I woke up on the ground with Lucifer offering his hand to pick me up. "Hey, buddy. You alright?"

  I looked up at him and took his hand. "I feel fine. I assume you healed me?" Lucifer pulled me to my feet. I grabbed Azrael's sword off the ground and I looked at my torso. The hole in my shirt was still there, but the wound was gone.

  "Yep. Healed myself too. If I'm being honest, I faked dying so she wouldn't finish me off. I didn't want to leave you all alone after you defeated her. Which I had full confidence you would do," he said.

  "Yeah, right. I see you're not above white lies," I said.

  "They're called 'fibs' and they don't qualify as real lies because they're not intended to be taken seriously. They just give the person fibbing plausible deniability because they didn't actually admit the truth," he said.

  "Right. You keep telling yourself that," I said.

  "Don't worry, I will," the Devil grinned wide.

  "So what now? Raphael's dead and Lilith is trapped in the sword. We can't stop the bank heist if we don't know where it is and Lilith is presumably the only person who knows," I said.

  "She can just tell us through the sword," he said.

  "Wait, why do you talk so much like me?" I said. "Your speech patterns are very similar to mine. What's that about?"

  "Oh, I adopt the speech patterns of people I'm in a bet or competition with. It makes them more relaxed and more likely to trust me and let their guard down. And that's when I strike!" He said all proud of himself.

  "You must be really proud of yourself. Taking advantage of and manipulating people. Must make you feel a real big man," I said.

  "You know what? I do. I really do," he said wistfully.

  "You're such an asshole," I said.

  "You take that back!" Lucifer said.

  "I won't take something back when it's true!" I said.

  "Ahhhh!!!" Lucifer yelled as he tackled me to the ground. Azrael's sword went flying. Lucifer got on top of me and started slapping me. "Take it back!"

  "No!" I said, putting my hands up in front of my face.

  "Stop that! Take your beating like a man!" He said, trying to pull my hands away from my face.

  "I bet you wouldn't if you were in my position," I said, slapping him instead.

  "I don't have to because I'm not a man!" Lucifer said, holding hands with my hands and struggling.

  "If you're not a man, then what are you?" I said, smashing our hands together to try to hurt him.

  "I'm a fallen angel. We don't have genders," he said, bending my hands backwards at angles they weren't supposed to go. It didn't hurt since I was invincible, though.

  "Wait, so you're like a ken doll down there?" I said, headbutting him.

  "No, I have a penis," he said, returning the headbutt. "And balls."

  "Wait, then, how are you not a man?" I asked, kicking him off me.

  "I am not defined by my genitals!" He yelled as he dove at me.

  "I guess I don't disagree with you!" I yelled as I kicked him off and pushed him back into the air and behind me.

  "Good! We're in agreement that I'm not an asshole," he said as he landed on his back behind me.

  "I didn't say that!" I said, getting up and turning around.

  My eyes widened as I saw Azrael's sword was stuck in the ground between Lucifer's legs. Its proximity to his aforementioned penis and balls was not what concerned me. What concerned me is that it was sinking into the ground vertically.

  "Grab it!" I yelled, pointing at the sword. I was ten feet away. Much too far to grab it myself. It would sink into the ground by the time I got there.

  "Ok, I guess," Lucifer grabbed his crotch.

  "That's not what I meant," I said. "Grab the sword!"

  "I just did," he said, looking down at his crotch. That's when he noticed the sword sinking into the ground. His eyes widened as he realized the implications. "Oh, shit!" He tried to grab it, but it was too late. The sword had sunk too far into the ground to pull it out. Only a small portion of the hilt was sticking out. Lucifer grabbed it with his fingertips but he couldn't get a good grip on such a small portion of the sword and it sank the rest of the way into the ground and disappeared.

  "Fuck!" I said, holding my head.

  "Fuck!" Lucifer said, grabbing his crotch again.

  "Why is that the first thing you grab when the worst thing possible happens?" I asked.

  "It's reassuring," he said.

  "Reassuring how?" I said.

  "Reassuring that at least I still have my boys with me," he said.

  "You're weird," I said.

  "I take that as a compliment," he said.

  "Take it however you want. We need to get that sword back! Who makes a sword where the hilt is the same width as the blade?" I said. "Not only is our only lead trapped in it, but it's also our only way to destroy the devil's trap. Who knows where we are now? We could be trapped in the middle of a desert for all we know. That would leave us stranded. We can't use the Gostelf corridor because Raphael was the only one who knew how to access it. And now he's dead! We're fucked!"

  "You don't know that we're in a desert. We could be in the city somewhere," he said.

  "Let's find out. Sarah blew a hole through a wall over there. Let's take that and see if it leads outside," I said, pointing into the dark in the direction I remembered the hole being.

  "There's no light coming from it. That's not a good sign. Maybe it's nighttime?" He said.

  We walked over to the hole and walked through. Lucifer pulled his overhead light through the hole. It was dark out and we were standing on asphalt. There were no lights or buildings to be seen anywhere, which also wasn't a good sign. I started walking in a straight line away from the building, and Lucifer followed.

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  "Where are you going?" He said.

  "I'm trying to see if the asphalt leads to street or a road or what I fear, sand and shrubbery," I said as we came upon the point where the asphalt ended. It ended where sand and shrubbery began. "Shit. It's a desert. We're trapped in a fucking desert miles away from civilization at night.

  "Hey, at least we're not in a desert in the daytime," he said.

  As if to punctuate his statement, the sky began to become markedly brighter.

  "Oh no," I said.

  "What?" Lucifer said, apparently not noticing it.

  "It's about to be daytime very soon," I said. "Look at the sky."

  "Shit, you're right. We better get moving then," he said. He began walking out onto the sand.

  "What are you doing?" I said.

  "What do you mean? We need to get to civilization somehow," he said.

  "Just because it's a building in the middle of nowhere doesn't mean it doesn't have a parking lot or a road to get here. If we take the road, we're more likely to reach civilization faster," I said.

  "Oh, right," he said, smacking his forehead. "Duh."

  "We just need to walk around the building to find the road leading here," I said.

  "Right," he said. "Let's do that then. Left or right?"

  "Left," I said.

  "Why left?" He asked.

  "Because it's the first thing that popped into my mind. Does it matter? Either way, we'll get where we're going," I said.

  "Well, I want to go right. I'm still upset with you and I need a moment alone," he said.

  "That's fair I guess. You go right, I'll go left," I said. I started walking left.

  "What if I want to go left?" He said.

  "Now you're just being obnoxious," I said.

  "You're right. I am. You got a problem with that?" He said.

  "No, I guess not. Just don't get lost," I said, walking right.

  Lucifer walked left, taking the floating light with him and leaving me without a light to guide my steps. I threw my hands up. "Great. Just great. One of the most powerful beings in existence is throwing a pity party for himself, and I'm stuck in the dark."

  The sky was starting to get light enough and my eyes were adjusting to the dark to the point that I could mostly see, so it wasn't as big of a problem as I thought it would be, but I was still annoyed. Why was he acting like such a baby? He was an asshole. He was the Devil, for Christ's sake! He was literally famous for being an asshole.

  Wait! My karmic rebalancing ability. Maybe I could get the sword back! I internally pressed the mental button that activated the ability and the scales snapped back into balance. A solid metal black flashlight appeared in my hand and it was on. Wow! That's all the juice I had in the tank? A flashlight so I could see in the dark? Now that was just disappointing. I mean, I guess I didn't earn much karma by slap fighting the devil. And my invincibility was on, so I didn't get hurt at all. Speaking of getting hurt, my jaw still hurt from when Raphael and Lucifer punched me. I guess his heals had to be targeted. They weren't fix alls.

  How were we going to get the sword back? For all I knew, it was traveling towards the center of the earth. I needed to ask Lucifer about that when we met up around the side of the building. I walked around the side of the large rectangular building, pointing my flashlight at the building every so often. There wasn't anything peculiar or interesting about it other than it was a building in the middle of the desert. But that wasn't that strange. I'd seen building seemingly in the middle of nowhere while driving before. Everyone has. Didn't know what they were for, but I didn't ask questions and as far as I knew, no one else did either.

  As I thought more about it on a personal level, I could understand why he didn't like being labeled as an asshole so badly. I mean, I wouldn't like it. Just because a person has done a lot of wrong, didn't mean they enjoyed being called an asshole all of a sudden. And those kinds of things tended to wear on a person. The more you get called something negative, the more it wears on you until you finally snap. Maybe this was just his snapping moment. I'm sure he'd been called that a lot over the many years he's been alive. The media painted him that way. Just because it was right didn't mean it didn't hurt him.

  When I came around the side of the building, I saw a small parking lot with two cars parked in the lot. The best I could guess is they belonged to Sarah and the tentacle monster. I don't know how such a massive thing could fit into a car to drive, but one of the cars was a pickup. Maybe it sat in the back.

  I saw Lucifer come around the corner of the building shortly after I did. He didn't look as upset as he did before. Maybe he had time to cool off like I did.

  When we got within speaking distance, I said, "I'm sorry I called you an asshole."

  "It's all good, bro. I am an asshole. I just don't like to admit it," Lucifer said.

  "I get it, man. Now, what you say we go hot wire a car real quick?" I said, pointing at the pickup.

  "You know how to do that?" He said.

  "Don't you?" I said.

  "No. Why would I know that?" He said.

  "But you're the Devil. Aren't you supposed to be good at everything, especially mischief?" I said.

  "That's largely exaggerated. I'm just a fallen angel. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, I'm less skilled than most people, because I don't spend much time on Earth. Believe or not, being the Devil is a full-time job. They're probably running around like chickens with their heads cut off down there without me." He said.

  "Then how are going to hot-wire this car?" I said.

  "I thought you were going to do it." Lucifer said.

  "I don't know how to do that. I'm a degenerate gambler with a minor ability to read people. I'm not a car thief." I said.

  "Then I guess we aren't hot-wiring a car," Lucifer said. He paused for a beat, then he said, "Try the visor trick!"

  "The what now?" I said.

  "You know the thing where the hero jumps into a car and the keys are in the visor?" He said.

  I stared at him incredulously. "You think that happens in real life?" I said.

  "Just try it. For me?" He said, putting his hands together pleadingly.

  "Fine," I said. I tried opened both cars. Both were locked. "They're locked. Guess your visor trick didn't pan out."

  "Break the windows," he said.

  "You think they would lock the cars with the keys behind the visor?" I said, staring at him, shocked.

  "I guess not. I didn't really think that one through," he said.

  "Clearly. I guess we're walking," I said. "Wait. Maybe we can use my karmic rebalancing ability. Beat me up and make it hurt."

  "Didn't I already do that?" He said.

  "I won that fight and you know it," I said.

  "Fine," he said, snapping his fingers. He got into a fighting stance. "Wahhh!!! Hiya!" He punched me in the chest, sending me flying and tumbling along the ground.

  "Are those sound effects really necessary?" I said, getting up.

  "No, but I do it anyway, because they're fun and they make me feel like I'm in a kung fu movie. Watahh!!" He punched me again, sending me flying again and tumbling on the ground.

  "This is taking a lot longer than I expected," I said, coughing up blood. "Wait! Wait! I'm coughing up blood. That can't be good."

  "It certainly isn't," he said, waving his hand over me, healing me. "I can't have you dying on me and winning that bet."

  "Of course, that's the first thing you think of," I said. "I'm going to try the karmic rebalancing thing now."

  I held my hand out and pressed the mental button, preparing for a set of keys to fall into my hand. I was not prepared for what actually fell into my hand. Ten thousand dollars. A nice neat rather small stack of cash.

  "Ok, that helps nothing," I said, staring at it.

  "Want me to beat you up again?" Lucifer said, cracking his knuckles.

  "No, I'm good. The first time was unpleasant enough. Let's just walk," I said.

  There was a road leading out of the parking lot and off into the desert. We started walking. As we were walking, I said, "How are we even going to get the sword back? It's probably halfway to China by now."

  "If we're lucky, the Mole People will have it," he said.

  "The who?" I said.

  "The Mole People," he said.

  "Oh, yeah. Why didn't I think of that?" I said.

  "I don't know. Why didn't you think of it?" He said.

  "Because Mole People don't exist!" I said.

  "Yes they do," he said.

  "They do?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

  "Sure they do. My father made them when he was building the underground atmosphere generators. Someone has to maintain them," he said.

  "There are underground atmosphere generators? Couldn't God just wave his magic hands and make the atmosphere exist?" I said.

  "First, don't say that name in my presence. Second, then he would have to maintain the atmosphere with those same magic hands. Too much work," Lucifer said.

  "So he made Mole People whose sole job it is to maintain these generators?" I said, still not sure I believed him.

  "Yes," he said matter-of-factly.

  "Ok. How are we going to get down there?" I said.

  "The Subterranean Elevator, of course. Well, one of them. There are many," he said.

  "Ok. Are there any nearby?" I said.

  "How would I know? I don't know where we are," he said.

  "Right. Don't you have like internal GPS or something?" I said.

  "I do, but devil's traps screw it up. I would call one of my fallen brothers to come pick us up, but devil's traps work on all fallen angels, so they're just as screwed as we are right now," he said.

  "We need to destroy that devil's trap soon or they'll get trapped out here too."

  "Wait, you're not the only Devil?" I said.

  "No. I am the only Devil, but there are devils, lower-case d. It's a title, but it's also a category. Devil is a term used for all fallen angels," he said.

  "I feel like I'm learning so much right now," I said.

  "You are, but let's shut that off for now. I want to let my mind rest while we walk. Too much is happening too fast, and I'm getting a little overwhelmed," Lucifer said.

  "Ok. Let's walk then," I said.

  And we did. We walked for miles before hitting the first sign of civilization. It was a diner, of course. It was appropriately named the Nowhere Diner. Boy, was I happy to see it. I was glad I kept that $10,000, because before that I was flat broke. I was getting waffles!