Numberland
Chapter 3: Week 21, Day 2
On an elevated stage near the vending machines, in the shadow of the tower of stacked pools, Wilson was making a map out of towels and rubber ducks.
There was a surprising amount of water-themed bric-a-brac just lying around. The more he explored, the more he found. Pool noodles, water wings, life preservers, and all manner of other items were scattered, seemingly at random. He saw beach chairs floating down lazy rivers. He saw towels tied into ropes and used as construction material. He saw a lifeguard’s tower, deserted, the chair occupied by a single rubber duck the size of a dime.
He’d gathered some of it up and used it to make his map.
If he had been able to walk along the wall in a straight line, it would have been easy to search for a door by just walking along its length. Unfortunately, the layout seemed to be designed to make that difficult. The area near the walls was peppered with water features to the point that dry land only made up about half of the surface. He would have had to swim the length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool every hundred meters, which was exhausting just to think about.
It was more practical to cut a straight line through the clearer territory further away from the wall, then turn and approach it at an angle. However, that meant he was essentially exploring the wall in a series of little expeditions. He travelled mainly through the easier terrain that was further away from the wall and made minimal forays into the difficult terrain next to the wall to check each section for possible doors. He quickly found it hard to keep track of where he’d been, and even away from the wall the rivers and pools were like a maze.
Hence the map. He used the towels to mark the pools and rivers, and he used the ducks to mark sections of wall he’d already explored. With each expedition to the wall, he added three or four more ducks to his map. The stage was too high for the pengaroos to jump onto, so his map was safe from being harvested.
He still hadn’t found another door.
With each trip, he brought back all the exchangeable items he could find and traded them for coins. He had about 150 now, far more than he needed for food, but he thought they were worth having. He might find another use for them. More pressingly, he’d had the idea that if he drained all the coins out of the machines he might be able to get the attention of whoever built this place. If someone had to come and refill the machines manually, then he could ask that person where he was and how to leave.
It had been a little more than a full day since he’d arrived in this strange place. He’d slept on a bed of towels, curled protectively around his stash of coins lest something try to steal them. He’d woken with dawn, or what he assumed was dawn. Either artificially or naturally, this place seemed to have a night-time when it got dark and a day-time when it got bright. But there was no moon, sun, or stars, just the endless expanse of glossy tile stretching up into the heavens.
He’d spent a bit more time watching the pengaroos, just in case he learned anything useful. After all, they were the ones who had taught him to find food.
In fact, he had seen something interesting: Some of the pengaroos could reach the upper levels of the tower.
He’d only seen it happen a few times. Every once in a while, one of the biggest and strongest pengaroos would make an attempt. It would build up enormous speed beneath the surface of the water in one of the pools at the base, then rocket up one of the water slides at top speed. Nine times out of ten it would slide back down a few moments later, but on rare occasions he would see it emerge from the top of the slide on the second level of the pool.
What they did up there, he had no idea. He doubted he would ever find out, since moving against the intense current inside one of the slides was beyond him.
When he was done updating the map from his most recent expedition, he decided to get breakfast out of one of the vending machines. Around the base of the tower there were machines that dispensed bananas, apples, and oranges, as well as fish, grapes, and something that looked like a lime (which he hadn’t tried).
He paid 5 coins into a machine with a picture of an apple and pulled the handle. By this point he was used to the way the products shot out of the funnel, and he caught the apple easily. But he wasn’t ready when a second thing shot out a moment later, and it smacked him lightly in the face and fell to the ground.
He picked it up. It was a slim magazine made of glossy paper. Across the top of the front page was the title SHELTER SEMIANNUALLY. Underneath it advertised its contents: Build a House in Sixty Seconds (page 2), Appliances You Literally Can’t Live Without (page 3), Home Defense for the Defenseless (page 8).
“What in the...” he said aloud. He flipped it open.
On the inside of the front cover, he read:
‘HOW TO USE THIS CATALOGUE
The articles in this catalogue are each imbued with the power of a Scroll of Mailmancy! To mail-order an item, follow these simple steps:
1. Collect coins with a value equal to or greater than the price of the item you wish to purchase.
2. Place those coins in an open space with a direct line of approach from above.
3. While facing the coins, recite the incantation provided in the article in a loud, clear voice.’
The opposite page was dominated by an advertisement for an item that could be mail-ordered (or so the catalogue would have him believe).
“INSTANT SHELTER BUILD-O-MATIC
100C
The Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic can instantly construct walls, roofs, windows, and more! With a range of over three meters, the Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic can construct a sturdy and functional shelter suitable for a single occupant automatically, with absolutely zero labor required*. Need something bigger? The fully modular Instant Shelter-O-Matic can be connected to any other Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic in any configuration. The Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic even supports the construction of buildings up to six storeys tall by stacking Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic units on top of connected Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic units. Unleash the power of your Creativity!
*Operation of the Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic consumes Creativity Juice. Consumption of Juice does not constitute labor for the purposes of this claim.
Just recite this incantation to order your Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic:
Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic,
An affordable solution for all my shelter needs,
I know that I’ll be satisfied with my purchase,
Because the Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic is a great item at a great price!”
“What in the actual heck,” he said aloud. He turned the page.
“HOT & COLD COMBINED Refrigerator AND OVEN
50C
Perfect for a minimalist living space, the Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven is the perfect solution to both food preparation and food preservation. Simply activate the Oven function to cook your food, then activate the Refrigerator function to keep it cold and fresh. So ingenious. With the Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven, your food horizons will be immeasurably expanded. Frozen fish? Cooked apples? Bananas that are hot on the outside but cold on the inside? With the Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven, anything is possible*.
“Definition of ‘anything’ limited to actions which involve heating or cooling items small enough to fit inside the Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven.
Just recite this incantation to order your Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven:
Hot & Cold Combined Refrigerator and Oven,
Heats food up or cools it down,
It can do one or the other,
But not both at the same time.”
He flipped to the end. The catalogue had 6 physical pages in total, counting the front and back cover, but because the pages were printed on both sides there were 10 numbered ‘pages’ in all. Each one was taken up by an advertisement for a different mysterious item, including an illustration.
The last two pages were given over to a section entitled ‘Self Defense for the Defenseless,” as advertised on the cover.
Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
“JOHN GONCHAROV’S AUTOGRAPHED HOME RUN BAT
25C
Signed by the infamous baseball player who never hit a single home run, this stylish baseball bat is just the thing to swing at the things that go bump in the night. Our team of expert woodologists guarantee that this bat is made of 100% genuine Chuckwood. But that’s not all! John Goncharov’s Autographed Home Run Bat is the only autographed baseball bat that comes with an ethics certificate from the Imaginary Wildlife Fund. That means you can be sure that our bats are made from ethically-sourced Chuckwood chucked by free-range Woodchucks living in their natural habitat. You’ll sleep easier knowing that if a wild animal attacks you in the middle of the night, the baseball bat you use to beat that animal to death will have been made without animal cruelty.
Just recite this incantation to order your John Goncharov’s Autographed Home Run Bat:
John Goncharov’s Autographed Home Run Bat,
Whether you’re sending them to sleep with the fishes or just need something whacked,
This is the bat for every occasion,
(As long as the occasion calls for a baseball bat and not the kind of bat that flies and eats bugs).
BILL PUDDING’S RECOIL-OPERATING AUTOMATIC PEASHOOTER
500C
They say the best defense is a good offense. If that’s true, you’ll never find a more offensive weapon than Bill Pudding’s Recoil-Operating Automatic Peashooter. Capable of firing over 600 peas per minute, Bill Pudding’s Recoil-Operating Automatic Peashooter will guarantee you victory in any food fight*. All you have to do is set it up, feed it peas, and crank the handle. Comes pre-mounted on a wheeled trolley for ease of transport. Mercilessly obliterate your enemies in self-defense with Bill Pudding’s Recoil-Operating Automatic Peashooter today!
*Claim based on the intensity of typical food fights in laboratory conditions. The advertisement should not be taken as a guarantee of victory.
Just recite this incantation to order your Bill Pudding’s Recoil-Operating Automatic Peashooter:
Whatever happens,
We have got,
Bill Pudding’s Recoil-Operating Automatic Peashooter,
And they have not.”
At first, Wilson would hardly believe the amount of effort that someone must have gone to in order to make this novelty magazine. But the feeling was feeble and muted. His capacity to feel incredulous was finally burning out after 24 straight hours in this absurd place. In its place, a feeling of tranquility and radical acceptance was growing within him.
Don’t think about where it came from. Just focus on the task in front of you. One foot in front of the other. The only question you need to ask is, is it useful?
Was this useful? He flipped back to the instructions at the beginning. It said that he could mail-order these items. All he needed to do was ‘recite the incantation.’ It wasn’t impossible that it could actually work. There could be microphones somewhere, maybe in the magazine itself, hooked up to a computer with voice-recognition software. He was past caring about what was or wasn’t probable - thinking that way hadn’t helped him yet - so instead he decided that either it would work, or it wouldn’t. 50/50, a coin flip.
If it didn’t work then it would cost him a few minutes of work. If it did work, maybe he could get someone’s attention and get out of here. It was worth a shot.
He decided to try mail-ordering something.
He counted out 100 coins into 10 stacks of 10 and arranged them in an open space on the stage near his map. Holding out the magazine, he recited the incantation at the top of his lungs:
“Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic,
An affordable solution for all my shelter needs,
I know that I’ll be satisfied with my purchase,
Because the Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic is a great item at a great price!”
“And,” he continued, “if anyone is listening, I’m lost in an abandoned water park and can’t find my way out. Please send help!”
He stood there for a bit, waiting for something to happen, but nothing did.
“Well I feel silly,” he said aloud.
He turned to go. Just as he did, he felt the air stir above him. When he looked up, he saw a massive bird descending from above.
It was about the size of an SUV, unbelievably huge for a bird. It resembled an eagle in body shape, except that it had a short flat beak like a duck. Its feathers were all white except the tips of its wings, which faded into black spots. It had strong legs that ended in talons, and in those talons it held on to a large wooden box. It beat its wings furiously to stay aloft with its heavy cargo and steadily sank towards him.
As he watched, it landed heavily just a few feet away from the coins he had set out. It disentangled itself from the wooden box. When it was comfortably on solid ground, it extended its long neck to bring its eyes right up to the coins, as if checking to make sure they were real. When it was satisfied, it used its flap beak to nip up the coins in fives and tens in a motion eerily similar to a duck eating bugs out of water. With shocking efficiency, it gathered up and ate all 100 coins in just a few seconds.
When it was done, it took off back into the sky with a startling vertical takeoff like a rocket. It shouldn’t have been possible for a bird of that size to leap straight into the air and fly into the sky, but it did just that.
An albatross, the largest bird on Earth aside from whatever that thing had been, needed a clear stretch of land to pick up speed in order to take off. It was like an airplane that way. To take off straight up would require enormous strength. Although Wilson was past being surprised by anything, he did make a note of that.
In any case, the bird left behind the wooden crate it had been carrying, and it dawned on Wilson that this might be the thing he had mail-ordered. After all, it had told him to put the coins in a place ‘with a direct line of approach from above’.
He approached it cautiously. It was a wooden crate roughly the size of a washing machine. Stamped on the top were the words
FOR INSTANT DELIVERY
WILSON THE MIXOLOGIST
SPLASH ZONE
NUMBERLAND
“Wilson the Mixologist?” he said. He didn’t even know what that was, so he didn’t think he was one. “Whatever. I’m not questioning things anymore.”
The box was held shut by ropes, but once he untied them the sides fell away easily and revealed the device within. It was a machine with a funnel on the front like the machines around the base of the tower. On its top surface there was a simple screen, of the kind you would find on a high-tech refrigerator rather than the kind you would find on a computer.
The screen said:
INTERNAL STORAGE EMPTY
FEED MATERIALS
20/20 C JUICE REMAINING
“Hmm...”
The only materials he had on hand were rubber ducks and towels. None of the loose items he’d found in his expeditions so far really screamed ‘construction material’ to him. They were mostly foam and flimsy plastic, probably not strong enough to hold his weight.
It needed to hold his weight because a plan had been forming in his mind from the moment he first considered that the Instant Shelter Build-O-Matic might actually work as advertised. If it really could build a multi-storey building, then maybe he could use it to build stairs, or failing that something climbable. Even if he couldn’t haul this thing all the way back to the door, he could still bring coins and order another one - or more than one, if needed.
The sturdiest material he had easily available was probably the rubber ducks, which was a testament to how few options he had. He didn’t know if the machine would even accept a duck, but he decided to try it anyway just to see how it worked. If it was anything like the other machines he’d seen, it would spit out anything it couldn’t consume anyway.
He stole a few ducks from his map and fed one to the machine. The display on the screen changed to show:
SELECT MATERIAL
> DUCK RUBBER (1 unit)
20/20 C JUICE REMAINING
Since there were no buttons, he assumed it was a touch screen and tried pressing DUCK RUBBER, which seemed to be the only option. The display changed. Now across the top it said CONFIGURE STRUCTURE (Materials Required: 10 units). Below there was a diagram showing a stylized square room.
Each of the four walls and the inside of the room were highlighted on the diagram to show they could be pressed. When Wilson pressed each one the walls cycled between solid walls, walls with windows, and walls with doors. When he pressed the center, it cycled between being empty and having a staircase down the middle that took up almost the whole space.
Recalling what the catalogue had said about wild animals attacking him in his sleep, he decided to configure it with 1 door, 3 solid walls, and a staircase in the middle. The (Materials Required) display changed to say (Materials Required: 20 units), he guessed because the stairs and solid walls required more stuff than a house with 4 empty door frames and nothing else.
He only had one unit available at the moment, but he decided to press on until the machine stopped him. He pressed the CONFIRM button and-
He must have blinked because he didn’t see it happen, but there were two steps out of a spiral staircase directly in front of him, where there hadn’t been before. They were canary yellow and made out of dense, sturdy rubber. It seemed strong enough to hold him up without buckling, at least. The structure was far, far larger than the rubber duck had been, which made sense if the Build-O-Matic thought it was going to build a house and a staircase using nothing but 20 rubber ducks.
The machine now said:
INTERNAL STORAGE EMPTY
FEED MATERIALS
19/20 JUICE REMAINING
CONSTRUCTION IN PROGRESS
1/20 MATERIALS PROVIDED
“Interesting...” Wilson said aloud.
He could have abandoned it there - there was no way he would be able to haul this gigantic machine all the way back to the door - and set about collecting enough coins to buy another Build-O-Matic to build a staircase to take him back to the room he’d been in before. Then he could follow the directions in the note, reach ‘the village,’ and from there hopefully get home.
But there was something he wanted to do first. Since he’d already bought this Build-O-Matic, he wanted to try building a staircase right here. He was quite close to the tower, close enough that he thought it would be possible to move the Build-O-Matic close enough to build a little tower of his own right next to it.
If he could do that, he could reach the tower’s second level. It wouldn’t even be that hard. He could test the staircase-building theory without buying a second Build-O-Matic, and he could find out what was up there that the pengaroos were so eager to reach.
The truth was that, deep down, he was having fun. The flame of his curiosity had been lit. He wanted to know what was up there. He wanted to experiment more with these strange machines.
Despite everything, he wasn’t really in any hurry to get back home. Not anymore.
