The emergency exit doors burst open with all the grace of a drunk rhino, revealing a stairwell that smelled like a gym locker left in a dumpster. Before Kylie could even process the stench, a goblin with breath that could strip paint launched itself at her face, dagger glinting with what she really hoped was rust.
Serena's mop—now more weapon than cleaning implement—whistled through the air like a deranged baseball bat. The once-white mop head had transformed into a horror show of matted blood, suspicious brown stains, and... was that an eyeball dangling from the strings like some macabre Christmas ornament?
Serena's mop—now less a cleaning tool and more a grisly instrument of war—cut through the air with unexpected grace, tracing a perfect silat arc. The once-white mop head had become a nightmare tapestry of matted blood and suspicious brown stains, its frayed strings now decorated with a dangling eyeball that swung like some grotesque Christmas ornament. As she swung, a sudden golden light enveloped the makeshift weapon, its limp strings stiffening with newfound purpose as if remembering their warrior heritage.
[Weapon Evolution: Mop → Temporary Silat Keris]
Duration: 3 minutes
"Popo would be proud! (But still disappointed you're not married)"
THWACK!
The goblin's head snapped sideways with a sound like a melon dropped from a second-story window. As it crumpled, a notification popped up:
[Skill Acquired: Tumbuk Lintang (Cross-Strike)]
Warrior Class (3★)
Effect: +30% critical chance when attacking horizontally
"The stars guide your strikes... and also that one guy's eyeball apparently"
Kylie barely had time to process this before the stairwell erupted into chaos. From above and below, green-skinned nightmares came pouring in, their battle cries sounding like someone stepping on a kazoo while being strangled.
"Party in the stairwell!" Kylie shouted, hefting her trusty chair. "And by party I mean a massacre!"
She hurled the chair downward with the grace of an Olympic shot-putter who'd had one too many energy drinks. The metal legs CLANGED against the steps before plowing through three goblins like a bowling ball through particularly ugly pins. One unfortunate creature did a perfect cartwheel before face-planting into the railing, its loincloth flapping in the wind like a sad, soiled flag.
Note to self, Kylie thought as she caught a glimpse of something swinging freely beneath the tattered cloth, I did NOT need to see that. Do female goblins even exist? Are they just... born from pits of sludge or something?
Above her, Serena had entered what could only be described as a "mop-fueled rage." Each swing sent goblins tumbling over the railing in arcs that would've been beautiful if not for the screaming. One particularly acrobatic specimen did three full rotations before disappearing from view, its tattered underwear flapping like a surrender flag. The distant SPLAT that followed was both horrifying and oddly satisfying.
"STRIKE!" Serena cheered, immediately grimacing as a chunk of something foul flew off her mop and splattered against the wall.
Back-to-back now, Kylie's hand found the fire extinguisher mounted on the wall. The moment her fingers closed around it, she felt a strange kinship with the red canister.
You're my friend now, she thought at the extinguisher. We're gonna have so much trauma bonding.
With a dramatic pull of the pin (because if you're going to potentially die, you might as well look cool doing it), she shared a look with Serena. The silent understanding between them needed no words:
You whack, I spray.
You stab, I choke.
If we survive this, we're getting so drunk.
What followed was a symphony of violence set to the soundtrack of goblin screams. Serena's mop became a blur of destruction, each strike sending another green body cartwheeling into the abyss. Meanwhile, Kylie unleashed hell in aerosol form.
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The chemical blast hit the ascending goblins like a bad breakup—sudden, painful, and leaving them a mess. Their skin immediately broke out in angry red blotches, eyes streaming tears that mixed with snot in a truly disgusting display. They clawed at their faces with such desperation they might have been trying to remove their own skin.
Huh, Kylie observed clinically as one particularly stubborn goblin kept coming despite looking like it had been marinated in pepper spray, apparently their mucus membranes are a weak point. Good to know for future genocide.
When a few determined (or just really dumb) goblins pushed through the chemical fog, Kylie greeted them with the extinguisher to the face—the international symbol of "no thank you." One reached for her ankle only to get a steel-toed boot to the snout for its trouble.
[Party Synergy Achieved: Dynamic Domestic Duo]
Effects Activated:
-
"Clean Freak Fury": +15% damage with cleaning supplies (Your Tiger Mom's voice in your head: "Why you hit like girl? Hit properly!")
-
"Improvised Renovation": Chemical attacks induce 20% accuracy penalty (Enemies now experience same disappointment you felt bringing home B+)
-
"IKEA Bonding Moment": Stamina drains 10% slower near furniture (Because Asian kids know the pain of assembling Billy bookcases at 2AM)
"A+ for violence! Finally something to make ancestors proud!"
Kylie stared at the floating text. "I swear if this system asks why I'm not doctor yet...".
Serena jabbed her mop into a goblin's eye socket, twisting viciously. "You're telling me. I just unlocked 'Proficiency: Bloodstain Removal' mid-combat." She yanked the weapon free, sending a spray of greenish gore across the emergency exit sign. "My inner Monica Geller is screaming."
The system cheerfully updated:
[New Title Unlocked: "Trauma-Bonded Roommates"]
Effect: +5% synchronization when complaining about tiger parenting
"Why you no dodge properly? You think Harvard accept students who die to goblins?"
Kylie blinked at the notification as she brained a goblin with her fire extinguisher. "Oh come on! We're not even roommates!"
The creature collapsed, its loincloth riding up to reveal a tramp stamp that read 'Mama's Lil Monster' in Comic Sans.
Serena gagged. "That's... that's biologically confusing."
[Anatomy Update: Goblin Reproductive Theory]
Hypothesis: They reproduce through sheer annoyance
The women shared a look of utter despair before simultaneously kicking the next wave of goblins down the stairs. Their synchronized groans of disgust blended perfectly with the sound of bodies hitting concrete.
The system pinged again:
[Synchronicity Bonus Upgraded!]
"You've achieved 'Passive-Aggressive Harmony' - Critical hit chance increases 5% when sighing in unison"
Kylie wiped goblin viscera from her cheek. "I both love and hate how this apocalypse runs on dad jokes."
Serena nodded, using her mop to vault over a lunging goblin. "At least the loot drops are honest." She gestured to their latest acquisition:
[Loot Obtained: "Goblin's Last Will & Testament"]
Contents: "Tell Karen she still owes me 3 gold for rat kebabs"
As the last goblin fell, Kylie leaned against the wall, staring at the blood dripping from her improvised weapons. The extinguisher nozzle was clogged with something fuzzy, and Serena's mop had developed a disturbing aura.
"You know," Kylie mused, "when they make the movie about this, they're definitely going to cut the part about the underwear."
Serena snorted. "And here I thought preschool teachers were supposed to be good role models."
[Achievement Unlocked: "A+ in Goblin Slaying"]
Reward: Permanent 10% damage bonus with furniture
"Finally! Now go marry nice doctor!"
The women exchanged a glance, then simultaneously flipped off the notification. Some bonds, it seemed, transcended even the apocalypse. "Our mothers would be so proud," Kylie deadpanned.
"And still disappointed," Serena added, decapitating a goblin with a mop string.
The effect was immediate. Their movements became a perfectly choreographed dance of destruction. Serena's mop strikes flowed seamlessly into Kylie's chemical assaults. Notifications scrolled through their vision like a particularly violent news ticker:
[Goblin Scout Defeated!]
+12 EXP
Loot: Rusty Dagger (x2), 6 Gold Coins
[Goblin Scout Defeated!]
+12 EXP
Loot: Goblin Ear, 8 Gold Coins
[Goblin Scout Defeated!]
+12 EXP
Loot: Leather Scrap, 7 Gold Coins
Then came the sweetest notification of all:
[Level Up!]
Congratulations! You are now Level 3
+3 Stat Points Available
+1 Skill Points Available
New Skill Obtained: Eco-Harmony Biologist → Verdant Warden's Codex
"To nurture is to understand—and to understand is to know exactly where to strike when the balance is threatened."
New Understanding: Goblin Physiology (You've seen things. Terrible things.)
Panting but victorious, the women stood back-to-back on the landing. The stairwell looked like a Jackson Pollock painting if he'd used only blood, snot, and regret as his medium. Serena's mop had officially given up any pretense of being a cleaning tool—it now resembled something that would make a biohazard team quit on the spot.
Kylie looked down at her shaking hands—not from fear, but from the kind of adrenaline rush that makes you reconsider all your life choices. The system messages hovered at the edge of her vision like a particularly judgmental ghost.
Serena wiped sweat from her brow with the cleanest part of her arm (which wasn't saying much), leaving a red streak that made her look like a warrior princess who'd had a very bad day at the spa.
"Well," she gasped, eyeing the carnage, "that's one way to clear a path." She paused, sniffed the air, and immediately regretted it. "Oh god. My mop smells like death and poor decisions."
Kylie nodded solemnly. "We should name it."
"Not until it's had a bath. Several baths. Maybe an exorcism."
Above them, the exit sign for Level 11 flickered like a beacon of hope—or possibly just faulty wiring. Either way, it marked their next destination.
As they prepared to move upward, Kylie took one last look at the warzone they'd created. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a quiet voice wondered when killing had become so easy.
Then a goblin sneezed somewhere below them, the sound echoing pathetically up the stairwell, and she decided some questions were better left for therapy sessions that would probably never happen.
"Ready?" Serena asked, giving her mop an experimental swing that sent something unidentifiable flying.
Kylie hefted her now-empty extinguisher like a club. "Born ready."
The door to Level 11 loomed before them, promising answers, more enemies, and almost certainly worse smells.
They stepped forward together.