The familiar pull started, but this time, something was different. He felt like he was being yanked crooked – all twisted up. The unusual sensation was colored by a feeling, almost like the memory had a flavor that was a little unfamiliar. Similar but different. An image began to form. They were in William’s house, and Anne was sitting in her favorite chair. But William seemed different somehow. Suddenly David knew why it felt so different. This was Spike’s memory. Not one of his or even David’s. He was seeing Spike’s life.

  “Don’t worry, Mother! This will be the best birthday ever!” A small voice came behind him and he spun as a little William walked through him. This was his eighth birthday. David recognized the suit. He’d been so proud, bouncing and showing it off as David had chased him through the house. This William was calm as he reassured his mother how happy he was with her company. He insisted that he couldn’t imagine a better birthday than spending it with her, his beloved mother. David remembered this day vividly. The fun they’d had. The laughter. Anne and Cook smiling. The cake she’d made. The presents. This had been one of his favorite childhood birthdays with William. Suddenly the scene shifted, and he saw the day as he remembered it, automatically jumping out of the way as the boys ran through. It was a memory he’d revisited many times before. Anne was stifling her laughter as she shouted for them to slow down or simply go outside. The boys shouted and raced out the door, letting it swing closed with a loud bang.

  The two memories seemed to be overlaid on top of each other, like a doubled film exposure. He was aware that Spike must be there, but could he see them both as well? His younger self sat poised in a chair smiling at his mother, but David knew that look. The boy was lonely. That was the face he wore for his mother. The dutiful and doting son. Oh, he loved her. Adored her! Always had. But he also tried to protect her feelings. David had cheered up William plenty of times, and helped make Anne smile himself. He adored Anne of course, but he’d always worked extra hard to make sure William was smiling. It had felt like his calling as a child. David realized how different this man’s life must truly have been. And if Spike could see the two existing side by side, what must he be thinking? David knelt in front of the young William and studied his face. There was a sadness he didn’t like to see. It cut him to the core. This was William without David. This was Spike’s childhood. He reached out to the boy, even knowing he couldn’t make contact, to put his hand against the child’s cheek wishing he could cheer up this little one too. The world began to split, and yank and tilt like his ship, the Endymion, during a bad storm at sea and everything shifted again.

  William was older this time. David recognized the new journal William clung to, along with his pen. That was his prized possession that year. He’d also begun to write his poetry in earnest. Took the notebook everywhere. David smiled at the familiar scene as William pondered his latest creation. This was his thirteenth birthday. The last one before David was living with them, but of course David had been here anyway. He was usually at their house and often preferred it to his own. After all, it was where his best friend was. He’d thought it was boring at home. Now he’d give anything to go back and spend just a little more time with his parents. Time had a funny way of teaching appreciation.

  William’s mother walked in and asked him what he was working on, and he excitedly began to read the poem. It was an early one, but one of David’s personal favorites and he recited it with eyes closed softly along with him, enjoying the sound of the younger William’s voice. His mother clapped delightedly as it came to a close and David couldn’t help but clap too. He opened his eyes to find the other William looking at him confused and frowning. “You aren’t supposed to be here,” the boy said. As a surprised David began to answer, the scene shifted, like someone had turned on a light. The grey feelings that he realized had been pressing down on him were suddenly gone and he saw his younger self standing against the door clapping. William beamed with joy, a vibrant contrast to the calmer pleasure of a moment before. Anne was still clapping, and David turned to see that her smile was far more animated as well. The pride in her eyes glistened as she listened to William recite.

  This is awful. His life. It was so sad. So lonely. No wonder I saw him so much as a child in his dreams. No wonder he didn’t dream about his past. I don’t want to see this anymore. How do I make it stop? David was beginning to feel desperate as the scene shifted again and the grey feelings pressed in. If he had to find a name for the sensation, he likened it to depression or maybe melancholy. The happiness felt muted. It didn’t touch the joy of his memories that David carried. The memories continued to layer over each other. All familiar times they’d shared, but the quiet of Spike’s memories left him unsettled. This was the life the man had known. And they were just reliving the highlights, like a life flashing before a dying person’s eyes, but disjointed and out of sequence. It was a familiar sensation, as David had spent so much of his own ghostly existence in memories, even those overlaid with William’s, but the triple exposure was making him sick to his stomach as much as it made his heart ache. Did I cause this somehow? Whatever it was I did, did I make his life a miserable imitation of the one he should have had? David wondered.

  David abruptly found himself back in Wolfram and Hart, standing in the middle of Angel’s office. The sun was up now. How long had he been stuck in those loops? He heard a scoff and turned around.

  “What are you doing here?” Angel huffed. David could hear the annoyance, and it grated on him likely as much as he grated on Angel.

  “Came here special just to see what the great Angelus was up to,” he retorted. “Destroying any lives today, are we? Or have you managed to actually save anyone yet?” He let his sarcasm drip, his frustration and heartache from the memories he’d just emerged from still too fresh for him to want to put on airs for Angel of all people.

  “I’m kind of in the middle of something.” Angel grumbled bad-temperedly, hoping that David would leave and go wherever it was he went when he vanished into thin air.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t care.” David replied, smirking at Angel’s obvious annoyance.

  Angel groaned at the too familiar phrase. It was almost like having two Spikes sometimes and was driving Angel crazy. Gunn cleared his throat and David turned to see him standing there, papers spread out on the table. Apparently, they were going through contracts, one of David’s least favorite parts of business dealings.

  David paused for a moment then wandered over to the table. “Gonna sic the IRS on any demons today?” Gunn ignored him completely.

  “You know, you really don’t need to stick around for this,” Angel prodded him, hoping he’d take the hint.

  David shrugged in response. “I’m bored. Maybe reading can help pass the time.”

  “It’s fine. We’ll just ignore him,” Gunn tried to distract Angel, hoping to keep things boring enough that David would leave on his own.

  “You shouldn’t ignore ghosts. They can get a might testy,” David remarked airily.

  “I’ll risk it. Angel? I’ll need you to sign these two papers here for the litigation proceedings. It’s a pretty straightforward case, though we’re utilizing some loopholes in a rather obscure statute.” Gunn began to describe his legal strategy, but Angel waved him off uninterested in hearing the details. So long as it worked, that’s all he cared about. David continued reading the contracts and found that while he could still follow the legalese, he also still found it incredibly dull. Legal documents really hadn’t changed much over the years, and he remembered why William had been the one to handle them. They made his head hurt with all the fancy language. Never could just be straightforward. Not for the first time he wondered if demons had designed the legal systems. This would not be the place to stem his boredom and hopefully avoid the flashes that he knew would get worse the less he had to do.

  At least this last time didn’t feel like actual hell. Bloody vampire soul’ll end up pulling us both down, he shook his head and wandered through the wall. Straddling the space between the earth and fiery damnation. Just my luck after everything we’ll finally be sucked down there. Maybe Fred is doing something interesting, he mused to himself as he climbed the stairs to the lab.

  Fred and Knox were bent over a computer, discussing findings from a case they were investigating. He paused in the door of the lab, hoping they’d explain more – it sounded interesting enough, but Knox told him that they didn’t have time to explain the intricacies of the science involved, effectively blowing him off. He sighed and wandered up to where Wesley’s office was. Maybe something interesting would be going on there.

  Wesley also tried to ignore him, but he stood behind him anyway trying to read over the man’s shoulder. He reminded David of family. A little like the cousin he used to play with when he was younger, before his parents had died and he couldn’t go see the rest of his family anymore. Wesley was studying something that appeared to be in Ancient Greek, though David’s was so rusty he could only pick up every couple of words.

  “Can I help you with something?” Wesley finally asked.

  “Just bored. Looking for something to do.”

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  “Well, I’m a bit busy. Maybe you could go look somewhere else?”

  “Sure, mate. Cause there’s so much going on around here for ghosts to do,” he replied sarcastically. “Maybe you could use some help, yeah? Sure I could do something?” He tried not to sound too desperate.

  Wesley sighed. “Can you read Ancient Greek?”

  “Little rusty I’m afraid,” he replied disappointedly.

  Wesley almost asked David how long ago he’d studied ancient Greek to find himself rusty. Not many people had studied it period, but then he remembered how insistent Eve had been that they get to the bottom of a particular passage she insisted was important to something the Senior Partners deemed incredibly valuable. “Then I’ll have to pass. This is my most pressing assignment and I don’t have time to work on finding you something to do. Sorry.”

  David sighed this time. “Yeah. No problem. I’ll just go wander elsewhere I suppose.” He shuffled out of the office through the wall, aiming a kick he knew would go right through the wall. Might as well still be invisible at this rate, he thought. Lorne wasn’t in his office. Probably off shmoozing some fancy celebrities, David mused. He ended up settling down on the stairs in the upstairs lobby where he could see Harmony behind her desk, and Angel’s office door. Gunn was emerging now and continued to ignore him. Angel leaned over to ask Harmony something, but he couldn’t overhear.

  He really needed to find something to do. Boredom didn’t go over too well, and being around Angelus kept bringing back old memories he’d tried to push out of his head for good. David knew that the longer the boredom lasted, the worse the flashbacks would get. He sighed. He definitely needed to come up with something or he’d end up disappearing again for who knew how long next time.

  By the end of the day, he’d managed to weather about ten more short flashbacks and come up with some ideas for how to pass the time. Spike either ignored him or walked away when he came near him, so he figured he’d just have to entertain himself. He would have liked to try to talk to Spike, and see what he saw, but he remembered the punch all too well. So long as Spike stayed in the building, he was close enough that David could afford to leave him alone. Maybe stopping himself from the flashes would be enough? He went to Fred’s office with the first part of his plan.

  “Sorry you want me to do what?” Fred asked him distractedly. David could tell she hadn’t really been listening very closely to his question. Knox had clearly tuned him out too. Yup, I definitely might as well still be invisible for all the attention anyone gives a ghost around here, he thought glumly.

  “Leave a radio on when you’re gone? It would really help with the boredom. Some music to pass the time with, yeah?”

  “Oh. Ok. Yeah, I think I can probably do that. What radio station would you like?”

  “I don’t know LA radio. Anything with some good classic rock ought to be a decent start. Really not into the pop or contemporary stuff if I can help it. Though rock and alternative aren’t bad.”

  Fred smiled considering the different radio stations she was familiar with. “A fan of the classics, huh?”

  David nodded. “Yeah. Something familiar at any rate. Used to listen to music more often years ago. Really helps pass the time. Can’t exactly pick up a good book, you know…”

  Fred frowned at that. “’Suppose not, what with you being all noncorporeal and all.” David just nodded in agreement and tried to smile. “What if I printed off some things for you? I could leave them on the table or taped to a wall for you to read?”

  David lit up. “You’d do that for me?” He asked excitedly.

  “Sure. Why not. What would you like to read?” David grinned from ear to ear trying to come up with a good answer and then frowned slightly when he realized he had no idea what he’d want to read if given the choice. He hadn’t had a choice like that in a very, very long time. His choices were usually picking who to watch in the choices that they made. When there was more than just Spike around at any rate. “Hard to print a novel,” he mused aloud. “Would you leave out some scientific journal articles for me? Maybe I can read enough to be helpful around the lab?”

  Fred gave him a surprised look and chuckled a little. “Um, ok. Like what?”

  “Dunno. You’re the science queen, yeah? What would you recommend for your current project, your majesty?” He said, shaking his head deferentially as he gave her a bow.

  Fred giggled a little at the gesture. “Hmmm. Let me see. I don’t know where your scientific knowledge starts David, so that makes it a bit difficult.”

  “Well, it’s a little rusty but I did study mathematics, literature and a little science at university. Physics, chemistry, and botany mostly. I’m sure I’d pick up whatever you put out quickly enough. Always was good at academics. Could be like a class of sorts! Maybe you could find time to answer questions that come up?” He said the last bit hopefully, going for a smile he hoped would win her over. He was terribly out of practice with people, but he remembered how to be a gentleman. He hadn’t been there long, but his gut said she was a good and kind person, so he held out hope she might be the answer to his prayers.

  “Maybe. Depends on how many questions you have. There’s an awful lot to do around here.”

  “I know. Or, well, I’ve noticed. I’d love to be useful. Learn something even. If you have time, I really would appreciate any assistance you could provide.”

  Fred nodded. She felt bad for him. Stuck as a ghost, unable to do much of anything. Spike hadn’t really been around and mostly kept popping up around the others. Though, to be fair, she’d been so busy the last couple of days since starting at the firm that she wasn’t sure what anyone was doing. “Alright. Let me see if I can put up some printouts of journals that talk a little about what we were doing in the lab today. It’s not much. And the papers might be over your head. And I really don’t have much time to teach you. And…”

  David couldn’t contain his excitement. “It’s perfect. Thank you! Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.” He started bouncing up and down like a little kid. Fred laughed at his delight. “Would you help me find a radio station you like? Then I’ll see if I can find some journal articles to print.”

  “If I had a body, I'd hug you. Air five?” He said holding out his hand in the air. Fred laughed and nodded.

  “Air five,” and they pretended to high five. David pumped his fist in the air in excitement. It took them about five minutes to find a station that wasn’t playing commercials to test the music, and then she printed out a bunch of articles, spreading the papers out on the tables and taping them to the walls so he could read them without needing to turn pages. By the time she was done, her walls reminded her a little of Pylea with writing covering so much of the surfaces.

  “Alright. That’s about all I can do for now.”

  “Seriously, thank you milady,” he said, adjusting his accent to a more formal British one, then gave her a deep bow. “You might just save my sanity yet.”

  She laughed a little and nodded. “No problem. Have a good night and enjoy yourself!” He nodded and started on the first article she’d suggested as AC/DC started to play in the radio.

  “Ooo. I love this song,” he said and smiled wide, bobbing his head with the music as he started to read.

  “Good night, David.”

  “Night, Fred. Rest well!”

  The next morning, David had a series of questions for her about what he’d read. But what surprised her the most was how well he seemed to follow what she’d printed. He couldn’t have helped them with their case yet, but he was picking things up quickly. He seemed happy and animated as they discussed some of the finer points she’d expected to go over his head. Proves me wrong for assuming he couldn’t keep up, she thought as she realized she’d judged him a little prematurely. His knowledge was not just rusty, but also a bit outdated at times too. Though he seemed to adjust quickly when she’d explain, he sometimes seemed embarrassed about how outdated his knowledge appeared. Finally, after about an hour, she noticed the time and apologized to him that she had to cut the conversation short. She could see the disappointment on his face, but he tried to cover it up quickly with a bow and words of gratitude for her assistance. Fred thought again about the suggestion Wesley had made when David first appeared, that he might be the First pulled through the amulet with Spike. Honestly, he just seems lost and lonely, she thought. Like a little kid at times even. Fred couldn’t help but think about how she’d felt when she came back from Pylea again.

  “If I’m not around this afternoon, would you still at least turn on the radio?” David asked hopefully.

  “Why wouldn’t you be around?”

  “I guess I mean in case I pop out.”

  “Pop out?”

  David nodded. “You know, like when Spike or I disappear? We do come back, but I really don’t have control yet over when we go. Not that I ever did,” he said the last part under his breath. As Fred went to ask him what he meant, a lab technician approached her with an urgent request. He had been waiting for over half an hour for them to finish up. She went to apologize to David, but he’d already vanished.

  Over the next few days, Fred tried to print out articles that followed up with what she’d had out the night before. David was there most of the evenings, excited to see what she’d come up with for him. One evening he looked particularly worn out, though, and just smiled and thanked her softly.

  “You ok?”

  “Hmm? Oh, yeah. I’ll be ok. Just need to distract myself. Popping in and out a lot today,” he said giving her a weary smile and shrugged. “Some days are harder than others.”

  “If you ever need to talk, David, I’m here.” David smiled at her. He wanted to share. He just didn’t think it was a good idea. He was still trying to figure out who these people were. She seemed trustworthy, but how could he be sure? Even if his gut said she was a good person, Angelus had always been a master manipulator. They were friends of Angel’s, and that didn’t say much. Not from what he’d seen of Angel or Angelus over the years. Just because the vampire had been cursed with a soul didn’t mean he’d automatically become a good person. He was, after all, running one of the biggest firms for the forces of evil. No matter what he said, David hadn’t seen much to dissuade him from thinking there was nowhere near as much good as Angel claimed.

  As he pondered, Knox walked up to them, pulling Fred away with a question. She apologized, and said goodbye, with what seemed like a sad smile. Shouldn’t keep pestering her, he thought. She’s too busy for the likes of me.

  There was something about her he liked, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. A little like Wesley and Lorne. Maybe they really were good souls in a bad place. He really hadn’t spent much time around Gunn to tell, and Harmony was, well, Harmony. He knew more about her than he’d ever wished to know when Spike was dating her.

  He looked around to see that Fred had only printed off a couple of short articles this time. But she had remembered the music, so he could hopefully make it last the evening. If he managed to read the articles during commercial breaks, and the music was good, maybe he could remain distracted enough to stay present. Then he could avoid the waves of memories, or worse, the feelings of hell that were pressing in on him more and more as time went on. He made it through one article before the memories took him under. One way or another he was determined to make it through the articles, and each time he came back to the world, he focused harder on the music and the words. Even when they didn’t make sense. He'd make them make sense. He had to.