As the crew busied themselves conducting repairs, two maintenance workers waddled out of an airlock onto the floor of the jungle planet. They wore environmental suits with a gravity dampener connected to their utility belts.
They walked with the typical waddled gate of Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs, which made them appear cute and childlike, especially combined with their three-foot tall, portly statue. They were accompanied by a floating orb – a sentry drone.
“According to residual diagnostics,” said Clarence, “the microscopic cracks and fissures are just 30 metres from the airlock.”
“I’m amazed the damage is so minuscule, considering the fact we just traversed the interior of a highly radioactive super Earth,” commented Reginald.
“If the main zero-point energy collector was not offline, then the ship could heal this damage herself.”
“True,” agreed Reginald, “but if the main collector was not offline, then we would still be safe and sound in orbit, performing comprehensive scans of this planet.”
Moments later, an apex predator resembling a Pteranodon crossed with a sea cucumber, swooped down from a giant jungle tree to attack the duo. It was intercepted by the sentry drone that blasted the critter with a heat ray, disintegrating it in a puff of yellow gas, grey ash and the echo of its final, horrific, predatory roar.
“It is amazing that some lifeforms on this planet evolved the ability to fly. The gravity is truly depressing.”
Clarence pondered for a second, “I deduce that the dense atmospheric has a buoyancy effect.”
“Oh, I see,” replied Reginald, “so in effect the lifeforms on this planet swim more than fly?”
“Yes, in a manner of speaking Reginald,” agreed Clarence. He looked towards the dense and impenetrable jungle. The trunks of the trees looked like coils of thick brown rope, gnarled and twisted due to Evil’s immense gravity. “I say Reginald, how much power does that autonomous sentry drone have left?”
“I am not too sure Clarence,” replied Reginald, “power from all available systems were drained to maintain life support and then the gravity thrusters. It could be hours or it could be minutes.”
“Righty-o then,” said Clarence, “no time to waste, let’s repair this section of the hull quick smart.”
The two waddled along while the sentry drone buzzed about just a few metres away, firing endless volleys of heat rays at eternal waves of apex predators, hellbent on making a quick meal out of the two maintenance workers.
There were beasts that looked like floating slugs crossed with spent prophylactics and spiderlike monstrosities with abdomens swollen with pressurised gas, functioning as balloons.
There were twelve legged indescribable horrors that skated on slime they perpetually vomited and also giant one-legged worms with mouths like lampreys, covered in rows of teeth, that moved by wiggling.
Something akin to a three-legged Tyrannosaurus Rex with the head of an octopus, stomped from the undergrowth before the sentry drone zapped it into oblivion. The volumes of monstrous and virtually indescribable horrors were relentless.
“I must say Clarence,” said Reginald as he detected a microscopic fissure in the hull and sealed it with a chemical bonding agent, “the fauna and flora are quite relentless.”
“Indeed,” remarked Clarence, “this is not the planet to take the children for a holiday.”
“Indeedly not.”
“Indeed.”
“I always wondered Clarence,” said Reginald as he detected and sealed another microscopic fissure.
“What is it, that you wondered my dear Reginald?” asked Clarence as he also detected and sealed a microscopic fissure.
“Why would someone of your level of scientific knowledge and engineering, give up a prestigious job as a lecturer of Science and Technology, to work as a simple maintenance worker on a science vessel?”
Clarence finished sealing a fissure, he turned his attention beyond the upheaved and damaged jungle to pockets of pink clouded sky, “I had a mental breakdown of sorts Reginald.”
“Really,” said Reginald as he finished the seal for another microscopic fissure and turned his attention to Clarence, “and what caused that?”
Clarence contemplated for a moment, “Well I guess, I guess that some knowledge is power…”
“Agreed.”
“However, too much knowledge my dear Reginald, well … too much can be a curse. As “Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?”
“I am not sure Clarence that I am following your reasoning.”
“What I mean my dear Reginald, is that when one over-accumulates knowledge, they are blinded by the noise. To use an amended proverb, one loses the forest of wisdom, having been blinded by the trees of too much information.”
“Oh,” pondered Reginald, “oh, I see, that indeed makes sense Clarence.”
“Yes.”
“Yes, indeed,”
“Indeedly so Reginald.”
“On another matter but perhaps somewhat related Clarence, why do you think our species has such a collective fascination for the Western culture of late 20th century Primordial Earth?”
“Mmmm,” thought Clarence, he attempted to stroke his chin fur but realised that his head was safely encased inside the environmental suit’s helmet, “well, I think that is an interesting question, Reginald.”
“I mean,” added Reginald, “us Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs terraformed our homeworld Cavia and her moon Cavia-Filhote. And for a billion years we have thrived there. Over a billion years of history and yet we remain transfixed and mesmerised by the awfully primitive culture of mentally deficient, relatively hairless simians.”
“Yes,” chuckled Clarence, “Primordial Earth humans are fantastically stupid beings, sentient mind you, but infuriatingly unintelligent.”
“One could state the same for most of their descendants as well,” added Reginald.
“Agreed,” said Clarence, “most of the member species of the Commonwealth of Human Posterity are also shockingly stupid.”
“Fools, who somehow still managed to established themselves amongst the stars Clarence.”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
“And therein lies the answer to your question Reginald.”
“As to why us Semi-Aquatic Guinea Pigs are so transfixed by late 20th century Primordial Earth’s Western culture?”
“Well yes Reginald,” said Clarence, “and in fact, the reason that we as a species are so infatuated by late 20th century Primordial Earth, is exactly the same reason why the Commonwealth of Human Posterity are infatuated by this culture as well.”
“This is true,” agreed Reginald, “the Commonwealth of Human Posterity are quite infatuated, I mean, consider their grandiose heroes of hyperbole, that brave and epic squad known as the Terry Tuff Scruffs.”
“Oh,” agreed Clarence, “the Terry Tuff Scruffs are indeedly heroic and indeedly inspired by the action heroes of 1980’s and 90’s action films.”
“Indeedly so Clarence.”
Yes Reginald, indeed.”
Reginald turned to look at the dense foliage of the dark alien jungle that surrounded the Cerebral Rodentia, “Of course Primordial Earth humans are their ancestors. Even so, one would think that after the first couple of million years, the citizens of the Commonwealth would have long since forgotten about this culture … instead of emulating it so immaculately.”
Clarence stopped patching a microscopic fracture in the hull and turned his snout to the pale pink sky, “You know Reginald, of all the known universes and of all the known Earths where humans evolved, it is only on Primordial Earth that they survived long enough to invent interstellar travel.”
“This is correct Clarence.”
“Indeedly so.”
“Indeed.”
“And on all of those other Earths Reginald, humans became extinct for all kinds of reasons and most times, for a combination of reasons.”
“Reasons such as Clarence?”
“Well Reginald,” Clarence turned to look at his co-worker, “asteroid impacts, super volcanos, gamma-ray bursts, supernova explosions, climate change, pandemics…”
“Those are all natural disasters, Clarence.”
“Well yes Reginald, but on an infinite multitude of Earths, humans mostly went extinct through nuclear war, biotechnology, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology, environmental degradation, alien invasion, global systemic collapse and a host of other ways Reginald, way too numerous to attempt to mention.”
“I guess,” thought Reginald, “no, I deduce, that the humans from Primordial Earth have endearing qualities that gave them the edge to overcome so many, existential calamities and filters.”
“No,” sighed Clarence.
“Well then Clarence,” asked Reginald, appearing somewhat confused, “how did they possibly survive the statistical certainty of annhiliation?”
“Well, my dear Reginald,” smirked Clarence, “sheer blind and stupendously dumb luck.”
“Oh, I see,” realised Reginald, looking down at the ship’s hull, “now that definitely makes sense. I mean, on at least one of those infinite Earths in the pan cosmos, some version of the stupendously dumb humans had to win the cosmic lottery.”
“Most of these extinction events,” added Clarence as he put his gloved forepaws on his hips, “especially if the cause of these extinction events was due to human tendency to be incredibly selfish and short-sighted, usually occurred shortly after the 20th century.”
“I see.”
“And it is always just before the dying of the light dear Reginald, that humans were at their peak. The best books, music, films and television shows.”
“Oh,” realised Reginald, his eyes opening wide, “I understand … it is like using the analogy of fruit.”
“Fruit?”
“Yes Clarence,” smiled Reginald, “fruit, fruit is always the sweetest when it is most ripe, just before the rapid descent into over-ripening, fermentation and decay.”
“Agreed,” said Clarence, “your analogy is astutely accurate.”
“Why thank you Clarence,” Reginald smiled.
“You are always welcomed, my dear Reginald.”
Kerplunk.
The sentry drone fell lifeless to the ground.
Reginald and Clarence stared at each other in shocking realisation that the sentry drone had run out of power. They both turned and waddled as fast as they could back towards the airlock.
Clarence was the first to fall, snapped up by an apex predator that looked remarkably identical to a gigantic goanna. The lizard bashed and thrashed poor Clarence against the hull, before retreating to its burrow with Clarence’s lifeless body in its jaws.
As for Reginald, he made it just shy of the airlock, before the vine of a carnivorous tree, snatched him up and dragged the poor maintenance worker squealing into a flower laced with thorn like teeth.
“Captain!” exclaimed Helmsman Gertrude in excitement, engineering has repaired the main zero-point energy collector. It’s only running at 37% efficiency, instead of its normal 110% efficiency, but it’s enough for us to get back home.
“Splendid,” said Raggamuffin.
“Captain,” added Helmsman Helga, “unfortunately it appears that we have lost two maintenance workers who were conducting microscopic fissure repairs on the exterior of the ship.”
“Eaten?”
“Yes Captain.”
“Brave souls,” remarked Raggamuffin, “metaphorically speaking, may his fuggliness, watch over them, along with those valiant crew members dispatched by that diabolical saboteur in engineering, as they embark on that great voyage into the light of the pan-cosmic big fella.
Raggamuffin spoke into the intercom, “Crew, the main zero-point energy collector is back online. It is only running at 37% efficiency, but this will be more than enough for us to jump back home. Prepare for take off.” He switched off the intercom and reclined in his captain’s chair, “Helmsman Gertrude, take us home.”
“Aye-aye Captain,” winked Gertrude, taking a long, wanting look at Raggamuffin’s silvery, fluffed up pot belly.
The Cerebral Rodentia rose up from the surface of the planet and within a thousandth of a second, sped off into infinity across the bulk between universes. It left waves of rainbow, Bifrost energy in its wake.
Meanwhile the goanna lurked in its lair, chomping down and swallowing the body of Clarence. Evolution, driven by the ferocity of a biosphere composed of nothing but apex, super predators, endowed it with a rather sinister ability. Its digestive tract absorbed the memories of its prey. This was advantageous, allowing this ultraterrestrial space goanna, to learn the location of secret burrows and the habits of other potential prey.
As Clarence’s brain dissolved inside the alien lizard’s entrails, torrents of information poured into the predator’s own brain. Knowledge of how to build starships, transdimensional jump engines, forcefield generators and weapons of absolute destruction.
The information was so vast that another evolutionary adaptation kicked into overdrive. To accommodate the rapid influx of overwhelming knowledge, the lizard’s brain underwent rapid neurogenesis. As the brain grew in volume the body grew to accommodate it, bones fortified and muscles enlarged.
The goanna lurked in its lair. Its tongue hanged limp, drool dripping from its jaws and eyes that appeared for the first time to be self-aware. Consciousness emerged, endowed with comprehensive scientific and technological knowledge from the most advanced race in the known pan cosmos.
I must have a name, it thought to itself in mindful, reptilian rage, perhaps the pathetic prey I ate, it’s knowledge I took.
It was then that it stood on two legs and straightened its spine. No more would it scuttle around on four legs at the mercy of chance. It opened its mouth. Its long-forked tongue licked the strange red coloured blood from its serrated jaws.
It spoke its first words, “I am Clarence,” affirmed the Goanna, “he who will conquer and devour all.”
