When I first started getting serious about my training I would remember the moment when a simple workout would go from hard, to hard and effective. It can be hard to pick up on for those who don’t train their bodies religiously for a living, but for me that moment would usually come when the sweat I would accumute on my body during a cross training exercise, no longer stayed on my body. Little droplets would start to accumute on me, as the surface tension these beads formed eventually each could no longer compete with my skin. As the drops made their way to the workout mat around me, I would realize that the exertion being done had passed some arbitrary threshold from exertion to pushing my limits. The sweat I was producing was liberated, free to fly as I toned my body harder, bending it to my will.

  If I didn’t have sweat pools around me finishing a tough workout, it could mean one of a few things. I probably didn’t hydrate enough beforehand, leading to less sweat, or at least that’s how I assumed it worked. Or, more likely, I just didn’t push hard enough. There are plenty of workouts where you intentionally reign in your training in order to focus on technique, or build a much rger endurance base, but that’s not what I am talking about here. I’m talking about workouts where you are trying to push yourself and you just don’t have it. The ones where you’re tired, but you know there was just more you could have given.

  All of this was going through the back of my mind, where I noticed sweat droplets pooling off my forehead and onto my yoga mat well before the instructor called for the rest period at the end to recenter ourselves. Nice. I totally met my threshold for how hot yoga was supposed to go, and can officially call this rest day a success.

  Not having a game between Sunday night and Thursday night this te in the season was a blessing. A rare off day would help the entire team prevent being ground into dust as some of the hardest stretches of the season came up. I intended to take full advantage of that…by doing maintenance work and ensuring there was actual physical exertion. As a goalie, you don’t get the same type of workout that the forwards and defensemen do. So, an off day like today feels a little different. I did not want to go stir crazy. So I got up at 7 am, went to a local gym that I have a basic membership to and did about 20 miles on the exercise bike and a long stretch routine. After, I hit up my usual off day hot yoga css, to flush everything out of my system, and keep limber. I don’t know if there is an actual benefit to hot yoga compared to any other form of yoga, but I always feel refreshed after so why change now? Let alone before a stretch run.

  I quickly made my way out of the studio, making sure to grab my shoes and jacket. My yoga mat had straps that helped me carrying after rolling it up, so I would be able to avoid lingering. Being a regur at this studio, I recognize a lot of the people doing csses with me. The st thing I want to let slip is that I’m a professional athlete in any sort of capacity. Most people really do not care, but there’s always one or two fans of the team lurking around waiting to jump on any opportunity to ask a pyer of the local hockey team inane questions about their craft. Once I slipped my sneakers on I turned quickly towards the exit hoping to avoid small talk at all costs and promptly walked right into the back of a woman looking to do the same.

  “I’m so sorry,” I choked out trying to help pick up the stuff they dropped.

  “Jamie?”

  Of course they recognize me. Of fucking course. I grabbed their wallet and cellphone and looked up right into, “Riley?” Of course.

  “No way.”

  “Hi, um, I guess?”

  “Never took you as a yoga person.”

  “We have professional interactions, you literally have no idea what I do outside of hockey.”

  “Well, what do you do outside of hockey?”

  “Hockey.”

  She ughed at that one.

  “Like I said, never took you as a yoga person.”

  “Its great for recovery!”

  “Oh my god you’re off the clock and somehow you’re still on the clock.”

  “Well, what do you do outside of reporting!”

  “There’s a coffee shop just down the street, how ‘bout I tell you?”

  Was I being asked out right now? By the beat reporter who covers me for a living?

  “Yeah, that sounds really nice actually.”

  “Oh awesome, you have to buy your own. The paper is strict about this. Even if its just happenstance. And, like, two people catching up in a friendly way.”

  Okay, so definitely not a date.

  It must have taken me a second to answer to that because Riley immediately piped in.

  “I’m not asking you out dude, just figured we’re both out and parched? Did you think I was asking you out? Oh my god Jamie, really?”

  Crap, crap. I needed to sell this faux pas. Don’t talk Jamie, keep spacing out.

  “Earth to Jamie?”

  “Huh, sorry?”

  “What was the st thing you heard?”

  “Uh, I said that was nice and thought I saw someone outside?” Nailed it.

  “Uh, huh. Sure. Anyway, just wanted to say one you have to buy your own coffee for ethics rules that are weirdly strict on small things, and two this was not a date.”

  “Woah! Hey, did not think it was a date.”

  “Let me guess, you actually just spaced out for a second, heard me deny it was a date then kept the act so you didn’t think I thought you actually thought it was a date?”

  “How do people keep doing this?”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Yes, you got it right. But an iced coffee sounds fucking fantastic right now.”

  “I knew I liked you Jamie.”

  It does not matter the temperature outside (a balmy 23 degrees Fahrenheit by the way), there is nothing like the first sip of a nice iced coffee brewed by someone that actually cares about the beans they source. The crisp bitterness cuts through the noise of life slowing you down just for a tiny second to re-center yourself, plus the caffeine kick doesn’t hurt. I could get lost in a cup anytime I wanted, a nice, rexing break from the daily grind of just being yourself.

  “So, are you listening to me at all?”

  “Huh?”

  “For someone so focused at their job, you really just are not with it are you?”

  “Sorry, this coffee is just so fucking good.”

  “Riiiiight. Anyway, I was saying that Wembanyama may be the best first overall pick in a decade and the Bzers need to do everything they can to get that pick.”

  “They’re not good, right?”

  “Yeah, absolutely terrible. Just trash. Cannot watch them.”

  “And yet…”

  “There’s hope! There’s always hope!”

  “I never pegged you as such an Oregon sports nut.”

  “Well I never pegged you doing hot yoga on your day off.”

  “You as anyone should know there are absolutely no days off,” I winked at that line.

  “You really are a goof you know that?”

  Weirdly, I was having one of the easiest conversations I have had with someone since moving to Olympic City and it was the person who’s job it is to scrutinize every one of my actions and contextualize them for a mainstream audience.

  “So, like do you tell all your sources that?”

  “Jamie Marks are you flirting with the local beat reporter to get better coverage?”

  “What! You’re the one that called me a goof! I would never.” Great, first I mistake this for a date, and then all of a sudden I’m flirting with the girl. I should just walk away and never talk to her again. Maybe if I leave now, I can reach the coast by nightfall. Perhaps earlier if someone picks me up on the side of the highway.

  “Kidding, you fool. You’re not my type. For a number of reasons.”

  “I’m also incredibly focused on my career right now, not looking for any sort of retionship.”

  “You know that’s what people say right before they find the person they’re going to marry right?”

  “What do you mean for a number of reasons?”

  “Huh, blowing past that one real fast aren’t ya? Well, first of all you’re literally someone I cover for a living. That would be an ethical minefield that even Princess Diana couldn’t clear.”

  “Right, yeah. That’s what I figured.”

  “Also, I’m a lesbian.”

  “Well there you go.”

  Oh, Riley. You sweet, sweet summer child. If only you knew. Also, you are absolutely not my type. You have not asked me one question about hockey this entire conversation. And its literally your job. I’m going to have to tell her editor.

  “Still avoiding that earlier comment, huh?”

  “No, my personal life is off limits.”

  “Look what we have here! Not a denial! Anyway, I literally just came out to you, you owe me something juicy.”

  “That’s not how that works.”

  “And how would you know?”

  Why does everyone around me have me dead to rights on everything I say? Is there something in the water in this town?

  “My best friend and now new roommate is bisexual. We would go out to queer bars together in college. Because as she put it, straight bars are just so quote unquote boring.”

  “New roommate?”

  “Yeah she just showed up on deadline day. Took a bus from Vermont. Had no idea she was coming.”

  “Your best friend dropped in unannounced and is now living with you?”

  “Yep.”

  “And, you’re just okay with this?”

  I didn’t have an answer to that. I wanted to have an answer to that. I wanted that answer to be an unequivocal yes. I wished in that I could say that point bnk and have it be true based on willing it alone.

  “We…we have a complicated history. I’m gd she’s here. She just also injects a lot of chaos into my life.”

  “For a goalie that must be heartbreaking.”

  “You have no idea. I have to find a date for tomorrow.”

  “AND now we get to the good stuff.”

  “Oh, shush.”

  “I will absolutely not. Jamie needs a date? This should be an A1 story.”

  “Okay none of this gets ever shared or printed, is that correct?”

  “I wouldn’t dare. I am actually really enjoying hanging out. We should do this again even if it means we’ll have to figure out how to bance everything.”

  “Me too. Genuinely.”

  “I do have a life outside of my job!”

  “Yes, it involves watching basketball, a sport I have no idea about.”

  “I know you’re trying to get out of talking about your date, but what sports outside of hockey do you actually like?”

  “Hockey.”

  “I said outside of hockey.”

  “They py hockey on grass in most of the world, we call it field hockey, but it is actually known as just hockey.”

  “Are you telling me you’re a field hockey nut? What are you finding illegal streams to watch Australian field hockey when you cannot sleep?”

  “Maybe! Maybe not! You’ll never know!” I was giving her the stupidest smirk right now.

  “Oh my god just tell me about this fucking date.”

  “Jenna asked me to go out on a double date with her, not that big a deal. I’m just not seeing anyone and now need to find someone to go with me.”

  “So tell her no.”

  “I tried.”

  “And?”

  “It blew up in my face.”

  “Who cares? Just don’t go.”

  “Look, she’s new in town and has not had the best luck with partners. I’m doing her a favor by going there to watch out for her.”

  “So this date is bad, huh?”

  “What? No. I’m just being a good friend and taking one for the team.”

  “It sounds like hell, dude.”

  “It absolutely is.”

  “Who did she even find to date within a week of getting here?”

  I paused. I saw where this was going and had absolutely no intention of sharing Brock’s name.

  “Jamie…who on the team is she going out with?”

  Before I could push back on this, my mouth went on autopilot. “Brock.”

  “Okay, now I’ve gotta hear this story.”

  Riley alternated between being entirely aghast at Jenna’s selfishness and ughing at the sheer absurdness of the situation I found myself in. Unfortunately, the time got away from both of us and she had to leave after I wrapped up my predicament.

  “You owe me the story of what happens next week.”

  “Why next week?”

  “I swear how are you this out of it?”

  “Oh, right. We have three games this weekend.”

  Thursday, Saturday and Sunday we were home against three opponents. Then we’ll have a week long road trip to start March with four games. After that we have some scattered games throughout the rest of the month, and then it will be pyoffs time if we were to make it. Currently, we were three points above the line thanks to results going our way during the st two wins. In theory, we controlled our own destiny having pyed two less games than most teams below us. Plus, most of our remaining games after that road trip were at home. It was like the schedule was designed for us to peak going into the pyoffs.

  “You starting all of them?”

  “At least two. That’s for sure. Probably all three after winning both of the back to backs this past weekend.”

  “Alright, well get ready to give me some good quotes, okay?”

  “Yeah sure,” I said clearly not being all there. I was calcuting my next move quickly. Riley had let me in on a lot and I figured I could trust her. Would it be so bad to let someone else into my life? She’d definitely be gone from this town next year. That girl was going to be a star reporter, in some big city. Knowing my luck with what I’m about to do the New York Union would poach her. “Hey Riley, can I walk with you to your car? Wanted to say something.”

  “Yeah, sure, dude. Everything alright?”

  “Yeah, absolutely. Just, kinda sensitive. You mind if I get in the front seat for a sec?”

  We both entered her car, with the atmosphere 100% turning awkward and tense because of me.

  Riley shut the door and immediately turned to me, “oh my god Jamie are you gay?”

  “What the fuck?”

  “Sorry. Sorry. Just kind of assumed. That’s usually how coming outs go, in a pce where the other person can’t, like, immediately bolt after hearing the first line. I didn’t want things to be too awkward so I kind of jumped the gun.”

  I was floored. How did she know something like that was coming?

  “Look, you’re not the first person to come out to me, dude.”

  “No, no I’m not gay.”

  “Oh.” She got real quiet after that.

  It took me a few seconds to come back from that one.

  “I think? I think I’m actually straight?”

  “Now you’re just fucking with me Jamie, what the hell?”

  “No, sorry. Just thinking through a lot of things at once.”

  “So you came with me to my car to tell me you like girls? That’s what’s so important?”

  “I’m trans Riley.”

  Boom goes the dynamite. Things were noticeably silent after that for what felt like hours. It probably was fifteen seconds at the most. This better have been worth blowing up the entire professional retionship we built all year.

  Instead of saying something Riley just leaned over the center console and hugged me. Rather hard, actually.

  “Um, thanks.” I said still not really sure what to say in this moment.

  Riley then turned her forehead and nestled it into the crook of my neck while keeping the hug going.

  “Thank you for telling me,” she said rather softly, just above a whisper. “Thank you.”

  Instead of just blurting out whatever was going in my head - yeah, you’re welcome it was telling me to say - I just hugged her back and kept the silence going. You’ve done it now Jamie Marks, you let someone else into your life.

  “Is there any other name you want me to call you by?”

  Stammering, I shook my head no.

  “Alright, are you sure Jamie is okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, for now.”

  “So, who else knows?”

  “Jenna.”

  “Of course she does.”

  “She’s known for like two years. She was a lifeline for me in college.”

  “Gotcha. Anyone else?”

  “No.”

  “And I will keep it that way, I promise you.”

  At least she was a reporter with integrity. “You can’t ever print this.”

  “I would never. I’d be upset you even suggested that, but I can’t imagine how scared you are right now.”

  “Little bit.”

  “Its okay to say a lot a bit.”

  “Okay, fucking terrified actually.”

  “Well I can say that I absolutely was not expecting this, but am so grateful you let me in. So, boys huh? Now that ‘I’m straight’ comment makes way too much sense.”

  “If literally anyone on the team found out…”

  “Yeah, we’re not touching that trauma ndmine with a 10 foot pole today. Only happy thoughts.”

  “Thank you,” I got noticeably softer at that one.

  “Okay well this was definitely worth hanging around after for.”

  “Again, you can’t tell…”

  “Anyone,” she didn’t even let me finish. “I get it Jamie, I really do. I’m a lesbian in small town Oregon. I may be out, but I’m not telling every single person I meet about it. I felt I could trust you, and clearly you feel the same.”

  “Yeah, that’s absolutely it.”

  “Okay, well. I think we both really do have to run, but we’re not done here. We are talking about this again and I’m going to meet the authentic you, okay?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “I know it now is the stretch part of the season. We’ll figure it out. I’m sure I’ll get to meet Jenna, too.”

  “Are we really that co-dependent?”

  “Good luck finding a date Jamie,” she didn’t even have to answer that question.

  Tuesday’s practice breezed through with a lot of three on three drills hoping to test our new goalie and of course our new star defensemen Brock.

  I faced the majority of shots against our top line and top pair defensemen, usually indicating that I would be starting on Thursday. Coach didn’t really need to confirm it, I was expected to start every game except the one or two he told me to sit for. Every point mattered, and if I was on it then we were going to the pyoffs. I was not going to miss out on the postseason after st year’s disappointment, even if I was just here for the final seven games. I lost two of my three starts and we missed out on the pyoffs by five points. I knew if I won all three we still wouldn’t get in, but it felt like we were so close. That’s why this team was so cohesive. We had a mission.

  Brock, to no one’s surprise, fit in like a glove. It was like he had been practicing with us all year. Our defensive system was not that advanced, but it still would take a little time for him to understand all our little cues and positionings. Yet, he anticipated a lot of it. Plus, at the end of practice he didn’t stand out during the stick sm. What a genius move by the idiots in our front office. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes?

  After a hard workout, I made my way to the trainer’s room, hoping to get worked on. Some deep muscle massages would be perfect before three games in four days even if they were all at home. Greg, our main trainer was busy tending to some injuries that are still being healed up, his assistant was the massage savant anyway, so I was so thrilled to see her walk in. If only I could remember her fucking name. She was new this year, but asking her again in te February what it is after seeing her all year would be the most embarrassing thing I did in the st 24 hours, so I could not take that risk.

  Luckily for me, she was wearing a nametag! It must have been since this was the first practice with a few new folks and she was being nice to them. What is my luck today? Cra. Okay, hello Cra nice to re-meet you for the eightieth time this year.

  “Hey Cre bear, excited to get worked on today,” I’m sorry what the fuck came out of my mouth?

  “What the fuck, Jamie?” At least I was not the only one completely confused by that.

  “Can I try that again? Possibly delete my entire existence and pretend for one second I was never conceived in the world?”

  She chuckled at that. Thank god.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use my name, let alone the nickname my father called me when I was four.”

  I buried my head in the massage table, as sheepishly as allowed by human emotions. “That’s because I probably never used it,” I said with my voice muffled by the pillow. “I, um, actually forgot your name.”

  “Oh, let me guess. You saw the name tag, thanked your lucky stars and weirdly completely out of character tried to be cute with it?”

  Okay, for real what is going on? Are my thoughts being broadcast out to the world at all times? Am I just a non-stop narrating stream of consciousness monologue that the world can hear even if I am oblivious to the broadcast?

  “I take it your silence means, yes.”

  I nodded hoping that somehow the molecules in my skin lined up with those in the table perfectly for a split second and my head would literally be buried into it, meaning they would have to decapitate me in order to extract me.

  “I’ve only known you since August, Jamie. And we talk from time to time.”

  Lifting my head up and turning to her I said, “you’re right, but also I am terrible with names. There are people I spent three years in college with that I interacted with weekly who’s names I still do not know.”

  “I highly doubt that, but considering you’re the only pyer who got me, and the other members of the training staff a Christmas gift this year, I’ll let this slip up pass.”

  “Hey! You said you liked what I got you.”

  “I absolutely did!” It was in that moment Cra started the massage causing me to tense up. “Did that hurt?”

  “Yes,” I paused after saying that as her fingers dug back into my hamstrings, “but keep going. Please.”

  “You’re very tight after this practice Jamie.”

  “And I even went to hot yoga yesterday.”

  “Clearly, you’re following your routine. What’s up?”

  “Oh, just a lot on my mind.”

  “Sure. But that’s possibly the most vague answer you can give.”

  “I have to find a date tonight since my friend set me up with this double date and I don’t have anyone to go with.”

  “Jamie Marks I am absolutely fttered, but this would be a massive conflict of interest even if it was just for fun and not a real date.”

  “What? I wasn’t asking…”

  “Plus, you’re not my type for multiple reasons.”

  “You are the second person in 24 hours who I did not ask out to say this to me.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Let me fucking guess, you’re a lesbian?’

  “I mean yes but that wasn’t even the answer I was going to give.”

  “Well its the second time I’ve gotten that answer.” Looking up I noticed her give me a curious look. I couldn’t quite pce it, as it was between a smirk and a look where she wanted to ask something but did not want to pry.

  “I was going to say I don’t date hockey pyers and I don’t date people who give me gifts before they’ve asked me out.”

  “Understood on the first one, even if I was in no way asking you out, but, uh, very confused about the second one.”

  “Honestly, made it up. Was going to say lesbian. But you got there first.”

  We both ughed at that one. The conversation kind of died off as Cra went to town on my legs, really getting in there with her massage. Its kind of hard to come back from any sort of awkward interaction when you’re grunting every three seconds and saying “yes that feels great,” through gritted teeth.

  “Alright all done goalie boy, I’ll see you before Thursdays game. And I want deets about this date.”

  “Why does everyone I tell this to want to know so badly?”

  “Tell Riley I said hi after you tell her about it.”

  That got me to freeze.

  “How did you…?”

  “Lucky guess.”

  I don’t think I could get out of there fast enough.

  Why did I tell the guys that I would come to Markus’ after practice on Tuesday, but I did intend to honor my word even if it mean 4pm happy hour. This would get me a really, really cheap beer before this stupid date tonight. A date I still do not have anyone that I could go with. I was going to end up third wheeling my own best friend and teammate when I had the opportunity to get her to drop even just seeing him. Good one Jamie.

  I walked in and waved to the booth of my teammates, sans Brock thankfully, and walked over to the bar.

  “Hey Sam, I’ll take half a dozen wings and a lite beer on tap. Close it out, thanks.” I handed her my card. This would be an in and out precision strike to keep appearances.

  “You got it. Your friend Jenna starts tomorrow by the way, I’m training her.”

  “Please, please, go extra hard on her. She deserves it.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t dream of going easy on her.”

  “I want to kill her right now actually.”

  “I have got to hear this.”

  “I have a quote unquote double date with her and my new teammate Brock tonight. Still haven’t found anyone to go with.”

  “Jamie Marks, are you…”

  “I swear to god if someone says that line to me again.”

  She couldn’t contain her ughter. “But seriously do you need a friend?”

  “Wait for real? Usually the person I bring this up to, when pointedly not asking them out tells me I’m not their type and that they are a lesbian.”

  “Oh, I am. Which makes this even funnier. You will have to expin that tonight at our date.”

  “I am so lost.”

  She wrote her number down on a napkin. “Text me the details, my shift ends in an hour.”

  “You’re serious.”

  “As can be. Here’s your beer by the way.”

  “Well you’re a god damn lifesaver.”

  “And you’re going to compliment me on my outfit.”

  “I wouldn’t think of doing anything else. Hell I’ll even buy a rose from a guy off the street for you to really sell it.”

  “I knew I liked you, Marks. Now get out of here.”

  I took my beer to the table where Brady, Cude and Scott were waiting for me.

  “What was that all about, Marksy?”

  “I am having dinner tonight with Samantha, Brady.”

  “I thought she was a giant lez.”

  “Seriously Scott? What are you 12?”

  “Turn thirteen next month. Its a miracle the UHL lets me py.”

  “Oh fuck off.”

  “But for real Marksy, you got a hot date?”

  “Not really, Cude. Just dinner. I need someone to go with me with Jenna and her date. Its this st minute thing and I didn’t want to be a third wheel.”

  “What one of us wasn’t good enough Marksy? Not into boys?” Scott was batting his eyeshes being the cheekiest fucker at the table.

  “Wait, Brock was telling us about this yesterday. He’s going out with your friend Jenna?” Brady seemed genuinely confused about the pns.

  “Not sure what it is, man. They hit it off the day we were in Eureka.”

  “I think he said something to the effect of he’s not sure he’s into her but was surprised she asked him out and appreciated that. You know how chicks are with athletes.”

  “Yeah, Brady I do. Jenna’s not like that though, obviously.”

  “Yeah, obviously, like we’ve clearly met this girl or know all about her,” Cude was staring daggers.

  “Look, she’s going to be working here. We go here a lot, you’ll get to meet her.”

  “So we’re going to get to know your life somehow.”

  “Unfortunately.”

  “Damn, man, why are you so down on yourself? We genuinely like you! We ask you to hang out all the time!”

  “Because there’s no one else our age on the team.”

  “Nah, if that was it we’d ask the vets to hang. We genuinely like ya.”

  I had never really considered what Brady was saying. I just figured we were four guys brought together by circumstances. Do they hang out other times together? Was I missing out on the quintessential male friendships I was supposed to have as a straight cisgender man to my fellow teammates? I had to stifle eight million internal chuckles thinking that, but maybe I really should have made more of an effort.

  “Let’s go out on the road trip.”

  “Fuck yes, dude! That’s what I’m saying!” Scott beamed at me. “I know the best pce in Victoria.”

  “Sure, we’ll have a Canadian adventure. You three and the American goalie. And I guess American defensemen.”

  “Two American defensemen.”

  “Wait, Scott you’re American?”

  “Nothing gets by our goalie!” I seethed at Cude while he piped up.

  “Yes, Jamie. I’m from fucking Connecticut. We’ve talked about this.”

  “Right. Right. You’re right.”

  “I know I’m right. You really are out of it off the ice huh?”

  I shrugged. Sam brought over my wings and I housed them. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but didn’t want to wait until dinner tonight.

  “Alright, I’m off. See you tomorrow. Stay out of trouble tonight boys.”

  “We want details!”

  “Actual details!”

  “Not just your me vagueness!”

  “Alright! Alright! You and everyone else will get them.”

  That implication sent them into hysterics as I walked out of the door.