Getting back from Canada was a blur, and I seriously was about to kill whoever designed this schedule. Every team has to do one back-to-back-to-back a year, and ours was right at the beginning of March getting ready for a pyoff push. The fact it came after a really tough Canadian stretch was unfair. Add in one of the three games was a road game and I just wanted to take the statistician at the UHL who compiles this schedule into a conference room alone and have a talk. I promise nothing more.

  Thankfully, our away game was in Portnd, which is just a 90 minute drive so we wouldn’t even need to stay over after the game on Friday. Yes, our road game was sandwiched between two home games. Whoever designed this is a sadist.

  Our coach decided our backup would have his first start in Portnd, giving me the two home games to anchor this three game stretch. Thursday night was a clinical win 4-1, with Brock having a nifty little power py goal and an assist. He seriously is racking up the points at a pace I don’t think anyone could have foreseen. I was called into action in Portnd about 15 minutes into the game when we were down 3-1 despite giving up only five shots. They scored the st two 17 seconds apart and coach knew unless I got in there this one would be ugly. We had to start thinking about tiebreak scenarios with four teams fighting for the st two wild card spots, all within two points of each other. We cwed back a second goal early in the third, tying it up with about three minutes to go. It was a stalemate the rest of the game and they won in a shootout. Dumb luck. We gdly took the point though.

  Saturday’s game, was nervy to say the least. Not because of our opponent. We had Portnd again, except this time they came to us. Somehow our fitness seemed to just be improving these st few weeks and we skated circles around them and by the time there was 20 minutes left we were up 5-2. No, rather my mind drifted to what was going to happen after the game. Girl’s night. I promised Jenna we’d go out, and she and Sam arranged for us to all go to a bar in a college town about 45 minutes away. That wasn’t far by Oregon standards, plus it was a queer bar they promised. So, if I ran into anyone on the team there, well not that I would be judging, but we could have a little talk before anyone made any rash decisions and began outing each other. We were clicking. We were focused. We finally may be in control. The Western Conference wasn’t great this year, a lot of parity at the top and right at the wild card bubble. Anything can happen in a three, five, or seven game series, so any team had a chance to be pying for the Commissioner’s Cup.

  I was told I was wearing a dress tonight, and I was going to be made pretty. I had no say in this of course, even if it is exactly what I wanted. My mind was doing that thing where it required permission to do be myself. Its stupid, it got worse from my own self-denial and being in the closet certainly hasn’t helped. But now I have a support system. I have my team on the ice, and I’ve got my team off it. Who would have thought?

  But now, I had to work on shrugging these thoughts aside, just for the moment, not permanently, that’s called self growth, and focus for these st 20 minutes so we do not blow a winnable game. Then midway through the third period, something happened that I doubt anyone in the arena would ever notice in a million years. We were on the power py and Portnd dumped the puck all the way into our zone, allowing for a line change. Brock went back to get the puck, as he would be staying on with the second unit. As he skated behind my net I remembered something from st game. I started shouting to him on the ice, before he could get to the face-off circle in our zone. “74 on this unit is going to bait you and try for the shortie breakaway. Fake him to your left then you should have space on the right. Snipe it.”

  I could see him nod as he skated up. He dumped the puck in and we set up our power py in position. The puck was cycling and made its way back up to Brock at the point. He noticed 74 switch to try and defend him and almost immediately seemed to lunge left in a way that would make him stretch out too far and lose the puck. The skater bit, hard, and as soon as he tried to take off on a full sprint found himself out of the zone. That left Brock all alone at the point, with only three skaters actively defending. One of our guys was setting a screen, and our star let it rip. The twine in the back of their net exploded well before our fans could process what just happened in a split second. The roar was deafening, the fans were starting to feel it too. We may not be the best team in our division, but we’re pying damn fucking good hockey right now.

  As Brock got out of the mid ice hug our unit had he started skating to the bench to get his celebratory fist bumps from everyone. Before making his way down the bench he stared at me, pointed and yelled “FUCKIN’ BRILLIANT” so I could hear. It was his moment, but then again this is a team sport. Like you’re told from the start, its never just about you.

  The obligatory Riley media session was thankfully quicker than usual today, as she gravitated towards Brock trying to break down that power py goal. I once again didn’t bother to shower in our team’s facilities, not because I felt self-conscious about being around the guys, but rather I just wanted to get started on getting ready. It was almost 11 and I was getting that antsy feeling, I wanted to go out and have a drink or two and dance with my friends. I wanted to be free. Most importantly, I wanted to know that I could do this and keep both my worlds in orbit with one another. I didn’t want to give up hockey to live as myself. I know it would have to happen eventually, giving up men’s hockey at least, but for now? I had a cake and I wanted to eat it, too. Really though, I wanted to savor it.

  “God, you’re finally home,” Jenna said with mock annoyance as she started getting my things out.

  “I’m back from the salt mines, let’s rage.”

  “Now that’s the girl I’ve been missing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this from you?”

  “And you haven’t seen me as my authentic self out dancing in maybe two years. I’ve got all this pent up excitement.”

  Jenna just smiled at me. And then shooed me into the bathroom because none of us were willing to say it, but I smelled like I just finished a long hockey game.

  Taking the quickest shower of my life, it was time to get dressed. Yes, that meant putting on a bra and fake breasts, tucking and shaving my body. It was an involved process, but not one I was completely foreign with. I tended to notice that tucking would heighten by bottom dysphoria for days after doing it, so I wasn’t a regur practitioner, but for tonight, I wanted to look sexy. Compromises with my mental health could be made for a night of pure uncut dopamine.

  Once I was ready, it was time to wear the glimmering white tights that Jenna picked out to go with this mid length bck skater dress. It was long sleeved, because its fucking cold in Oregon, but I think that covered up what I thought were burly man arms perfectly. It wasn’t too long a dress, but it also wasn’t coming up to just covering my crotch. Being 6’1” makes clothes shopping hard on a good day, so where she found this dress baffles me. It even slimmed my shoulders.

  Then it was time for her to do my hair. Thankfully, Western Canadian men dominate our league, so having long hair wasn’t seen as anything but just growing out your mullet. That’s how Brock had some flowing locks, and you did not need to tell me that he was partying in the back. I had more of a Trevor Lawrence situation going on, and usually just wore my hair up in a bun. I just said I wanted to look like a hipster from 2012 and no one ever asked questions. For tonight though, Jenna straightened it after I watched, and put it up in twin braids. She then put in two little white bows to match, and the cackled at her genius as she started on my makeup.

  YouTube tutorials be dammed, this woman is a genius with contouring. I told her I would pay her for a seven hour lesson because when I looked in the mirror I gasped. I couldn’t recognize myself. Sure I conceptually knew it was me, but the gorgeous woman staring back at me? That couldn’t be me. Was it really me? Oh god, I finally saw myself in the flesh. Now I had to do this every day for the rest of my life.

  Backing me off that ledge was the sound of my doorbell. Sam must finally be here. She said she got her friend Lia to serve as the designated driver. Lia was a part time bartender are Markus’ and a bunch of other pces in Olympic City. She was also six years sober. So there would be no issues getting there and back.

  “Sam you didn’t tell me your friend was so hot,” she said eying me up and down.

  Walking in briskly, Sam didn’t even say hello as she pointed at me and said “boy liker.”

  “Then why is she coming with us to a lesbian bar?” Lia said pouting.

  “We’re going to a lesbian bar?” I said incredulously.

  “Yes. We didn’t tell you because you were going to get weird about it,” Sam said pulling out a thin bottle of vodka from a brown bag and putting it on my wobbly coffee table.

  “What, is she homophobic or something?”

  Sam gave me a quick panicked look, and I nodded slightly.

  “Lia, she’s trans and this is her first time going out in the area.”

  “Ohhhhh. Well that makes more sense why didn’t you lead with that.”

  “I didn’t know if she wanted me to out her!”

  “Well in that case, I’m Lia. You’re fuckin’ hot if you decide to switch teams.”

  “Rhea,” I meekly said.

  “And I’m Jenna!” She yelled from the bathroom as she finished her makeup. “And I like girls, and I think I’m pretty hot!”

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” Lia said pretty intrigued.

  “Rhea is the starting goalie for the Mariners, so this conversation and this night does not leave the four of us, capiche? I will fucking dismember my best friend if it comes to that.”

  “Down, girl. I get it. But wait. You’re fuckin’ Marks? The guy I watched a few hours ago shut down Portnd for the second straight game?”

  “Not a guy.”

  “Fuckin’ clearly. But dang. Alright. So who knows.”

  “We’re doing this huh?”

  “Girl, we’re going out we need to have cover stories in case someone asks about you now. I didn’t realize we were helping a young tgirl fly tonight.”

  “Literally just everyone in this room. And Riley Strauss.”

  Lia snorted. “You have kept this a secret all year except for the fuckin’ journalist?”

  I shrugged. “Oh, also one of the team trainers know.”

  “Rhea did you forget her name already.”

  “She told you?”

  “We’re friends! Of course she told me! I’m so telling Cra next time I see her.”

  “No you can’t she’s so nice!”

  “Of course she is. And yet one of the valuable members of the secret posse doesn’t even get a name!”

  I instinctually put my head in my hands, before Sam yelled at me to not smudge my makeup. Lia was having a bout of uncontrolble ughter at the situation.

  “Cra is funny. Sam’s like deeply in love with her and we still can’t tell if she’s a lesbian. Oh my god what if I texted her to come!”

  “Don’t you fucking dare.” The fury in Sam’s eyes could melt steel beams.

  Lia looked up white as a ghost, the sound a phone makes when a text message sends echoing across the apartment. So this was happening?

  “Oh you’re so fucking dead.”

  The car ride got noticeably less tense after Cra said she had to help her family with something, though she really wished she could be there. She told Lia to “tell Sam I said hi x” which of course led to more questions than answers. When these two disasters finally start holding hands will be anyone’s guess. I would also put money on the wedding ceremony happening as we py in the finals. Soon Sam was passing around a fsk for Jenna, her and I to indulge as we made the trek out to Crowe.

  Olympic City could be described a college town in its own right, but Crowe was the one with the bigger nd grant university. Football was the religion, so it made no sense to put a minor league hockey team there, even if it would be convenient and have a fanbase. It also had multiple queer bars, apparently. Most were for men, meat markets where the test grad school twunks could mingle with the townies, but there was one lesbian bar that was apparently super trans friendly. According to Sam, the reason we were going there was first, I would not be going home with anyone and get separated thanks to being a boy liker, and second I could be around women and just be more at ease and more comfortable. We would still watch our drinks like any good group of girls should, but the bar staff there had a reputation for having eyes like a hawk. Plus, Lia knew the DJ and said this was going to be a fun night.

  We managed to get there just after midnight, and st call would not be until 4 am. There were some state ws about what businesses could serve after 2 am, and this one qualified. Blue ws are weird, but I’ll take the extra time. Sunday was a pure rest day, and with practice not until Monday I was good to go.

  After finding a table and chatting, Jenna and Lia pretty quickly made their way to the dance floor. By that point in the night I had been glued to Jenna’s hip and she had been giving me plenty of hand squeezes whenever she could feel me getting nervous. I told her to go out and flirt because after Brock she needed a rebound. She smirked, accepting my generosity and quickly dashed away. In that moment I realized I wanted another vodka soda and asked if Sam wanted one too. She offered to go to the bar with me, but I said I had to do this alone. After ordering two drinks I bent over putting my forearms on the bar just staring at the one male bartender. His tips must be horrible, but his muscles were ripped. In that moment another tall girl sidled up to me waiting to get the bartender’s attention. Realizing they were making drinks she turned to me.

  “Oh hello gorgeous who do we have here?”

  “I’m Rhea,” I squeaked out in my best “girl” voice remembering the lessons I learned online trying to keep the resonance.

  “Sapphire, pleasure to meet you,” She said extending a hand. “What’s got you in this pce tonight all by your pretty self?”

  “Well half my friends are dancing. And I’m getting drinks for another friend. I’m also straight,” I said meekly looking down.

  “Oh drat, just my luck. But, I will say its always nice to see a fellow tall girl out in the wild.” She added a hint of vocal fry to that st sentence, enough for me to pick up on what she was doing.

  “Not many of us in this area are there?” I said hoping to convey that I understood what she was doing.

  “Not at all. So do you go here?”

  “No, I’m actually in town with friends from Olympic City. That’s where I live.”

  “Funny you should say that, that’s where my brother and I came from!”

  “You took your brother to a lesbian bar?”

  “Perceptive little one. I should ask what a straight girl such as yourself is doing, but I’m guessing all your friends are dykes?”

  “Or bi, yeah.”

  “And yet, the prettiest one I bet is straight. Yeah, I’m in town visiting him and he promised to take me somewhere I could pick someone up. Show him how it should be done on the road the little romantic.”

  “What does your brother do?”

  “Oh, he’s a hockey pyer.”

  No.

  “Look, he’s walking over now! Let me call him.”

  Absolutely not.

  “Brock! Say hi to my new friend.”

  I think I am going to die.

  “Sapphire what are you doing?” Brock said clearly looking uncomfortable.

  “Oh don’t worry she’s straight, I’m not going to face fuck her in front of you. This is Rhea. She’s also from Olympic City.”

  “Hi,” I said as soft as possible. God please do not clock me. Please do not clock me.

  “Nice to meat you Rhea, that’s a pretty name.”

  “Thanks.” At that moment the bartender decided to be an angel and swoop in delivering me my drinks. I quickly signed the check and closed out. “Sorry, I have to bring this to a friend!”

  “Why don’t we join you?” Brock asked.

  “Once we get our drinks!” Sapphire added.

  “Sure,” I said rushing to get out of there.

  I almost sprinted back to our table, where to my luck thankfully turned. Lia and Jenna were back, even if they were making out right next to Sam who looked like she wanted to die. I smmed the drinks down on the table and turned right to Sam with more urgency than I’ve ever shown on the ice.

  “Brock is at the bar. I accidentally talked to his sister. Who I’m meeting tomorrow for brunch. They’re coming over here. What do I do?”

  “Fuck. What in the fucking world,” Sam said. “Okay here’s a pn.”

  I just nodded. I needed anything or I was going to disassociate into another existence.

  “You go to the bathroom. Jenna, stop making out with my friend and go with her. We won’t know who is in there. I’ll stay here with Lia and talk to them when they get here. I’ll suss out the situation.”

  I just nodded grabbed Jenna’s arm and yanked her to the bathroom. Dragging her there, I realized it was a single person bathroom, threw her inside, joined her and quickly bolted the door shut.

  “What was that about Rhea!”

  “Sorry, you weren’t paying attention. Brock is here.”

  “You’re lover boy?? What the fuck is he doing in a lesbian bar in Crowe.”

  “His sister. She must be a lesbian.”

  “Is she hot?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Look, you needed to not start a panic attack. I did what I do.”

  I was able to breathe for a second and just ugh at that. She unfortunately was right.

  “Sam is talking to them now, she said she’d text me after sussing out the situation. I grabbed you here”

  “Before they could see you again. Got it,” she said finishing my sentence.

  I didn’t care that I was in a bar bathroom, I immediately leaned against a wall and slumped on the floor and put my head in my hands.

  “Hey, there’s no way he noticed. I work wonders.”

  “I know. I’m just. I’ve been so careful. And then I decide to go out one time.”

  “Hey, no. We’re not doing this. You wanted to go out. You were having fun. Literally a one in a million chance happened. Plus you’re having lunch with him tomorrow right? If Sam says he doesn’t know, you’re in the clear.”

  My phone dinged. It was a message from Sam.

  “Seems youre good. Sis mentioned cute girl. He said just introduced himself, asked how I knew her. Told him we’re friends and wanted to bring Jamie and Jenna along, but Jamie was too tired after the game. He started droning about how he could fall asleep right now. Lied and said Jenna was throwing up, so we have an our. Tell her she can have my next day’s tips. Sell it when you come back and we’ll leave.”

  I showed Jenna the message and she just wordlessly nodded. We spshed some water on her face making it look like we washed it in the sink, and had her “drunkenly” lean on me. After getting back to the table I apologized to Sapphire that we had to leave and said maybe I’d see her and her brother around Olympic City. They were nice as we quickly left. The 45 minute car ride back home felt like it took three days. No one said a word.

  Brock Lazenby you lucky son of a bitch that I am not hungover because you spoiled my first night out in Oregon as myself. How he and his sister were going to make an 11 am brunch reservation after probably being out until 5 am baffled me, but hey who am I to judge.

  Walking into the restaurant I saw the two of them lively chatting. Neither looked like they had been out the night before, in fact they both cleaned up quite well. How can anyone literally be this perfect at everything they do just presenting in public? Did his old money family make a deal with a demon? Don’t answer that, it probably is yes.

  Sitting myself down, I smiled extending my hand, “so you’re the infamous sister Brock talks about?”

  “Sapphire Lazenby in the flesh. And who may you be?”

  “Jamie Marks, the goalie saving this guy’s ass three to four nights a week.”

  She audibly cackled at that. “Oh this one’s funny Brock.”

  “Why do you think I wanted you to meet him? I figured you two would get along.”

  Sapphire seemed to smirk at that one. “No matter how many times I tell you I am never going to date one of your teammates. I’m a lesbian!”

  “That doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Oh my god the stupid stories I sent you after college are finally having an effect!”

  “What are you two talking about?” I said incredulously.

  “Don’t worry about it dear. Just little inside jokes I don’t think you’d understand,” there was that vocal fry again.

  I already knew Brock’s sister was trans from st night, but I needed to know if she had just clocked me. Because if so, this was bad. Very, very bad.

  “So how are you enjoying Olympic City? Anything memorable?” I said, beginning my inquisition.

  “This pce is super drab to be honest, but Brocky here took me to a dyke bar a few towns over in Crowe so I could have a good time.”

  “Brock in a lesbian bar?”

  “I know, I couldn’t believe it myself. Somehow I ended up talking to this cute girl who of course liked men, and just before I could try to nudge him over her friend of course was throwing up in the bathroom after making out all night. You early 20s fools can’t hold your drinks.”

  “Sapphire you know you’re like 28 right?”

  “And those five years matter Brocky!”

  It was infuriating how cute these two were. I was an only child, with parents that pushed me in sports and nothing else. I don’t really talk to them after fulfilling their dream of signing an NHL contract, because as long as I keep my career going I did everything that was expected of me. Once I make the show I’m sure they will try to reach back out and try to be in my entourage. Truly a shuddering thought.

  Trying to redirect the conversation I ask about Sapphire’s sporting history, mentioning that Brock said she was a decathlete in college.

  “Oh my god you outed me, you prick!”

  “What?” I said, genuinely confused about that.

  “Women don’t do the decathlon.”

  “They…don’t? And why would that…matter?” I genuinely had no idea where she was going with this. Was this about being trans? I already knew that. Crap, but she couldn’t know that I already knew this. At least I was genuinely clueless. Wow, good job Rhea.

  Sapphire was ughing and Brock was trying to stifle a chuckle.

  “I told you he’d be cool. And like you always tell me, cis people don’t know anything,” Brock said to his sister.

  “Yeah, yeah. Use my words against me. I’m transgender, hun.”

  “Ohhhhh. That’s awesome.”

  “That’s it?”

  “I mean why wouldn’t it be?” She eyed me incredulously at that.

  “Most people have like a million questions.”

  “I’m super tired, famished and just finished a three games in three days situation. I think you could understand that my mind is on this menu, not the intricacies of transitioning.”

  Laughing Sapphire could only agree and we began to order. Conversation went back to normal for a little while before Brock excused himself to go to the bathroom. Sapphire immediately turned to me smiling. Crap.

  “So, you sure no questions? None at all?” She looked like a hyena staring at a dead carcass ready to tear me limb from limb.

  “No, I’m good,” I said starting to stare bnkly.

  “You clean up very nicely by the way.”

  “What are you talking about.”

  “That dress looked stunning on you, I can see why he likes you.”

  My jaw literally dropped.

  “Oh Rhea, do not worry. Gosh, honey. Sorry. I thought you knew I knew. We had that whole thing down st night. Oh no. Fuck, you poor thing.”

  She reached her hand out to mine and squeezed.

  “No, he doesn’t know. No. I will never tell him. But, girl? He talked about you the entire way home. Was sad that he didn’t get a chance to talk to you, cursed his luck all that. He also won’t shut up about you as a teammate, so I would try and end this dual life as quick as possible.”

  “Its not that easy,” I say looking down doing everything I humanly can to prevent tears from forming.

  “I know. And I can’t even imagine. A fucking professional athlete. Shit.”

  “Yeah. Fucking, shit.”

  “Look, if you need to talk to someone about this and you will here’s my number,” She scribbled it down on the napkin, looking up every few seconds to see if Brock was coming back.

  “Thank you. I don’t need to say how”

  “Big a deal this would be? Not a fucking word,” she said once again someone finishing my sentence.

  “You said he liked me?”

  “Oh girl don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, you have it bad for him I could tell when you walked in. But seriously. I can’t imagine what’s weighing on you, and I’m so fucking sorry for outing that I knew to you. I remember what it was like in college, hiding that part of yourself. You looked so free st night even seeing you for just a few minutes. You don’t have to defend yourself to me. I just wanted to say you looked lovely and I mean that. Okay I see him coming,” Sapphire said breaking into a ugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Jamie was telling me about your hasty arrival. I heard your side I needed to hear his.”

  “Oh god, not that again.”

  How did this girl get a smile on my face so quickly? “Yeah, it was a shitshow.”

  “Well I’m gd you two are getting along.”

  “Don’t worry Brock, your sister is the best.”