Jenna was waiting for me when I got home after the road trip with a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

  I had all but forgotten before the trade deadline how cathartic it could be to have someone else there just to be present for your problems. I think that’s how I was able to compartmentalize in college in a way that was not too toxic. We had our space where I could explore who I was, and then on the ice I could focus on becoming the best athlete I wanted to be. That bance was fundamental for me to become an actual heralded prospect instead of just a seventh round flyer that was never anywhere near the show.

  Take away that space to be yourself and my mental state completely eroded. Add back in the space, but throw in some new complications, and well you have the situation I found myself in. Winning at a clip that would have turned heads earlier in the season, but juggling multiple identities with different people and a growing entourage of those who have seen all sides of me. Of course I was going to slip up eventually, that is too many balls to keep in the air. I make saves of cylinders, not juggle for fun. Though maybe I’d look into adding some juggling exercises this offseason to help with reflexes. That’s not a bad idea. Write that down, Rhea.

  “That bad a road trip, huh?”

  “We lost all three games.”

  “I know Riley told me.”

  “Brock tried to confront me.”

  “Riley did not tell me that.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  “I told him to back off and that we’d get coffee today. I’m just not sure, how I should go?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do I go as who I actually am or who he expects me to be.”

  “Okay first off no matter how you go you are going as yourself. Do not be something for someone else.”

  “Fine.”

  “Second off, you’re asking if you want to femme it up for him are you?”

  “Basically.”

  “I mean there are pros and cons to it, but are you meeting in public?”

  “Yeah, I suggested coffee.”

  “Okay well do you want people to perceive you?”

  “Absolutely not. But I was going to suggest somewhere we had both never been, oh my god he’s a recognizable person isn’t he?”

  “There’s that C of V education shining through.”

  “Okay so like androgynous masc. I can do that.”

  “You can absolutely do that.”

  “I can talk to Brock, I am a big girl.”

  “You can absolutely talk to Brock.”

  “Jenna, what the fuck is my life.”

  “Girl, I have no idea. But come here, give me a hug and let’s get you ready.”

  I texted Brock where to meet immediately after my second hug therapy session with Jenna. He acknowledged the text but said nothing more. God this was going to be terribly awkward. Walking into the cafe I stupidly did a little wave at him, before immediately walking over to the barista to pce my order. I couldn’t have looked less thrilled to be there if I tried. Great start, Rhea. Great start.

  Collecting my iced coffee I walked over to the table Brock found in the back corner of the cafe near a window. Secluded enough, I guess. There really was no good pce for us to do this, huh?

  “So,” I said sitting down.

  “So.” Brock responded.

  And then silence. Neither of us knew how to break this tension, or really wanted to say anything of importance. Maybe we both knew this was a bad idea. Maybe we both understood anything we said could be heard by someone, and if they were willing to viote the social contract our lives would be viral. Maybe this was just overwhelming.

  “I just want to start off saying I’m not going to apologize for who I am, but I am sorry things have seemingly gotten out of hand.” Good job Rhea. Set boundaries.

  “What? No absolutely no apologies.”

  “Well.”

  “Well what? You’re who you are. Full stop. Coming out is messy and I’m the one who is sorry that this had to end up like this.”

  “Let’s both quit the apologies.”

  “Okay, that’s probably. Yeah. Let’s do that.”

  “Good.”

  “So, what should I call you?”

  “Rhea in private, Marksy in public.”

  “Right. And you’re?”

  “A trans girl. Closeted. I’ve known since college. Jenna was the only person who knew at first, and well. Now a few other people know, including Riley. But that’s about it.”

  “Okay. God. Yeah. That must be…”

  “Incredibly emotionally taxing? Especially when a teammate of yours starts to get closer than you expect? Absolutely.”

  Brock chuckled at that.

  “Okay, fair. Look.”

  “I’ll let you go in a second. There’s some more I need to say. Okay?”

  “Sure. Its your moment.”

  “Look, I never meant to deceive you. You don’t know how much I wanted to come out to you, especially after meeting your sister. She clocked me almost immediately by the way, so we’ve been talking. She knows that…something happened between us. I didn’t go into details.”

  “Wait, wait.”

  “What?”

  “You were already out to my sister?”

  “Yeah, she figured it out.”

  “How?”

  “Brunch.”

  “That perceptive bitch! I get why she didn’t say anything, but I’m going to kill her.”

  “Don’t.”

  “A lot could have been headed off if she told me.”

  “And I swore her to secrecy.”

  Brock paused for a second. “You’re right. I know that you’re right. Just. Go on.”

  “Thank you. Anyway, she clocked me almost immediately and understood the severity of the situation. She wanted to talk about you a lot. Talk you up a lot. I did not need her to do that, I already knew how I felt about you, but there was just no way I could thread this needle especially with you having seen me out as myself. And then I did not expect you of all people to come back to that spot, let alone have a gaggle of dolls wrapped around your finger. I wanted to leave so bad that day so you didn’t find out, but I also couldn’t just run away again like I did the first time.”

  “Wait you ran away, I thought you got sick?”

  “Come on. No, you said hi. I then ran to the toilet with Jenna and we concocted some harebrained scheme to leave as soon as possible so you couldn’t clock me.”

  “I honestly would not have known.”

  “I know that now. But I was terrified. And I was so terrified when you kept asking me to come back to your pce. I knew we had grown close, but I was convinced that I had already crossed one line staying over after your dinner party.”

  “Oh, Rhea…”

  “So I wanted to run as fast as I could that night. I think a part of me wanted to drop a hint just so that this tension would evaporate. I did not want to lie to you Brock.”

  “You didn’t lie to me!”

  “I did though! I got close to you as your teammate, in a way that made me feel a lot of things. And then when I had the opportunity to be even closer to you as someone you didn’t recognize I didn’t bail immediately like I should have. So, I kept feeling like this liar and a fraud and I don’t want to ruin any friendship we had or anything else especially with the pyoffs coming up.”

  “Okay, first. Stop. You did not deceive me.”

  “No?”

  “No. It was always your story to tell, and well I happened to run into you twice while you were out as yourself. That is not something either of us could control. Yes, I want to admit right now that seeing you excited me. Like really excited me. There was something familiar the first time I met you, and now it just makes so much more sense. I couldn’t get you out of my head, okay? I literally kept going back to a lesbian bar on our off days hoping you’d be a regur. Because my sister mentioned that you liked guys.”

  “It was kind of cute,” I said smiling.

  “And here I thought I was a fucking stalker.”

  “I mean…”

  “See!”

  “But its also cute. I can find it cute.”

  “This whole situation has been really confusing for me, okay? I know you think you’re some degenerate creep, but I have been confident in myself since I was very young. All of a sudden I start falling for this teammate I barely know, who is a guy? That was fucking weird, Rhea. I did not know what was going on. I hosted that dinner party solely to get to know you. Like, yeah the team bh bh but I wanted you there. I’ve wanted to invite you over to just watch a movie so many times. But how could I do that without seeming weird? Fucking hockey.”

  “I know,” I said quietly. “How do you think I feel?”

  “I can’t imagine! Like, I’m compining about having a crush on my teammate and you’re going through one of the hardest things that you can. I should not have snapped the way I did in Portnd, I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “Brock. We said no apologies.”

  “You’re right.”

  “But, crush?”

  “Yeah Rhea I have a fucking crush on you. There. I said it.”

  I immediately put my hand on his. I wanted, no I needed, to show him that I heard him and I was feeling the same. But we couldn’t do this in public. It was too risky.

  “Not here. Come to my car.”

  He nodded and we walked over. He got in the passenger seat and I turned on the ignition. I put out my arm to hold his hand, and thankfully he reciprocated.

  “I’m not going to make this an awkward car ride. The feeling is mutual. I just can’t do this in public. Yet.”

  “Of course.”

  With that, I started to drive back to my apartment. Luckily, I chose something within a 10 minute drive. The tension was there, but it was a different kind. A tension of anticipation.

  Luckily, Brock did not need to be told where to go once I parked. He’d been to my pce before, he knew his way around.

  We walked in while I checked to see if Jenna or Riley were around and it seemed like we were in the clear.

  “We’re alone.”

  “Good.”

  “Very good.”

  We were standing in my living room staring at each other. He liked me. Brock Lazenby liked me, Rhea Marks. Not that schlub he met the first night being here, but me. Actual me. All of me. The person I have not shared with the world, but with the people that are mattering. And he wanted to reciprocate.

  I must have stared into his eyes for minutes. Getting lost in his irises, seeing just how beautiful they were. Finding every little detail, to savor and love. God, I really loved this man. I barely know him, but I love him. There’s no way I can say I like him, I am full on head over heels for him.

  He opened his mouth to say something else, and I put out one finger to shush him. It was now or never, if I was going to take that next step. So I leaned in and slowly went for a kiss. My lips met his and he seemed to realize what was going on. He opened his mouth in response and I could savor his lips in all their glory and taste him. God, he tasted perfect. That hint of saltiness that makes any fvor just better, and god he had a tongue that I could not wait to see what could be done with it.

  The kiss was small, and we both quickly needed to come up for air, but it was perfect. It was everything I had been thinking about the st few weeks and more. I wish it could have sted forever.

  “Okay, now we can keep talking.”

  “Oh yeah, you sure you want to do that Rhea?”

  “Yes, Brock. I’m not some sex crazed bimbo who is not able to form a sentence after kissing the guy she’s been crushing on for weeks.”

  “Weeks?”

  “Basically since the second you knocked on my door.”

  “That’s really cute.”

  “Its kind of pathetic.”

  “Hey, we’re not doing that.”

  Smiling, I said “right,” and led him towards my couch. I figured we would need to sit down for this.

  “So.”

  “So.”

  There we were again. That silence. The silence that could easily be filled by more kissing, and less talking. Not acknowledging the situation at hand, we could just get lost in each other. We did not have to figure out how to navigate the situation we put ourselves in if we were just permanently kissing. We could not win a championship by just kissing, the power of love is not that powerful, but we could not have to deal with the crushing reality of two games left in a season and just kiss. We could run away. We did not have to think.

  But, god dammit I wanted that championship. And I know he did too. More than anything.

  “So the team can never find out.”

  “Of course, Rhea. That’s obvious.”

  “Okay. So we need some ground rules.”

  “Sure. What were you thinking?”

  “If we manage to get room assignments together in Boise or in the pyoffs, things can happen. In the hotel room. Quietly.”

  “Things?”

  “Brock, I may not be on hormones but lube exists.”

  “Good girl.” He had a mischievous smirk on his face that suggested he was going to suggest that sooner much rather than ter.

  “That doesn’t work on every trans femme, you dolt.”

  “Worth a try. Sapphire said to do it.”

  “I’m going to kill her. She probably has poisoned you with the most online cliches.”

  “You don’t even know.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Okay, so quiet shenanigans and fun if we’re rooming together.”

  “Yes. Only if.”

  “I agree to those terms.”

  “No going out during the pyoffs. I’m going dry.”

  “That’s fine, so am I.”

  “But, if you want we can hang out here. Obviously Jenna is in the know.”

  “Or my pce! I live alone!”

  “Right, so shenanigans once we cross apartment thresholds.”

  “That’s perfect.”

  “I’m not going to tell ANYONE on the team during this run.”

  “Absolutely not. We’re locking this down.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  “Its your story.”

  “No, I mean having a hookup that you can only be around inside an apartment?”

  “Rhea, you’re not a hook up.”

  “What are we then.”

  “Well, we’re having this conversation and we just kissed so either friends with something more or you’d be my girlfriend. But what do you want.”

  I wanted his children. I wanted to propose on the spot. I wanted to smell him on literally all my shared articles of clothing and never be too far from him that I would not smell it anywhere.

  “I want to see where this goes. I really like you Brock.”

  “I like you too Rhea.” He grabbed my hands.

  “So, I guess you’d be my boyfriend?”

  “If you want it.”

  “I do. Badly.”

  “Good girl.”

  “Okay THAT time I felt something.”

  “How’s this. We’re going to try dating, but our dates rgely will have to be away from the rest of the town. But when we do that you’re going to be unabashedly yourself. No mascing it up for my sake.”

  “Deal. Unless I’m feeling super masculine.”

  “Unless you’re feeling super masculine. But I want one more thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I know of a good queer bar in Boise. I have teammates that would lend me an apartment for the night. If we make the pyoffs, we are going out one time as us. To this pce. You’re going to get changed, my old teammates don’t know you nor would they ask questions or be there. And we are going to go dancing like we should have in Crowe. Both times.”

  “Brock…”

  “Rhea, its risky. I know. But. I want this. So bad. And I think you do too.”

  “Fine, but you need 2/3 approval from the friend council.”

  “What?”

  “You’ll see.”

  After Brock told me he wanted to be my boyfriend and take me out in Boise, Idaho of all fucking pces, I immediately took out my phone. I changed the “Damage Control” group chat to “Brock Lazenby Disclosure Complete” and added his number. I immediately texted that he knows, he’s now in this group so we can keep stories straight and keep everything locked down.

  He and everyone else agreed that was the right move. He also asked what disclosure meant, and I told him not to worry about it for now.

  Then, I ran his pn to take me out and said the group needs to approve before I said yes.

  “Absolutely not,” Sam wrote.

  “That’s romantic,” Cra countered.

  “Is it safe,” Riley asked.

  “I’m on the fence. I’m worried about safety,” Jenna said.

  “You don’t need to just parrot your new girlfriend, Jenna. You have your own thoughts,” I quipped back.

  “Dickwad. Or should I say soon-to-be-dicklesswad,” Jenna snapped back.

  “Here’s my thoughts,” Brock wrote. He then started typing out a passionate defense of him doing it and even conceding that Boise, Idaho was probably the worst fucking pce on earth to take a newly out trans girl. But he had a pn, and it looked solid.

  Eventually, everyone but Lia voted yes. She just hadn’t been in the conversation. I hoped she was okay, especially with Riley and Jenna’s whole deal.

  I messaged Sam privately to check in, and she responded pretty quickly that Lia worked til 4 am this morning and then went to an industry party with a cute girl after, so she probably went to be when I rolled back into Olympic City. She’ll get up eventually and have thoughts for sure.

  Once the date was cleared up, I went back to staring at Brock. Somehow he had gotten cuter through all this.

  “So, this is happening?”

  “Yeah. It is.”

  “I guess you finally figured out that I was being literal when I called you pretty boy.”

  “Oh, I knew. And it made my stomach flutter, which is why it was so fucking confusing at first. But thankfully I was buzzed the few times you said it so I just rolled with it. Sapphire calls all her friends babe. I had an inkling that maybe you weren’t the straightest person on earth and it was like that.”

  “Weird how you’re both on the nose, but so far off base.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I only fucking adore boys. I’m straight as an arrow, babe.”

  “Well that’s just my lucky day, though I guess I’m going to have to interrogate those feelings I had for boy you.”

  “That’s what the offseason is for. When we have more time together.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  We immediately went back to kissing. And more kissing. We threw in some cuddling just to mix it up a little bit, but then we realized it was dinner. So we stopped kissing for a little to order food, and then went back to kissing when we made our choice.

  God, I wanted to blow him so bad. I wanted him to blow a load on my back after, too. But what was left unsaid was we both knew we had a game tomorrow. And unfortunately that would require focus. So, any little attempts at exploring our bodies together would have to wait.

  Dinner was a nice affair, and we stayed and cuddled to a movie until te that night. I’m pretty sure I heard Riley and Jenna come in, but if they did they did not say anything. My guess is they could not see anything but each other’s eyes or different parts of their bodies.

  Eventually, Brock did have to go home and prepare for our mutual game that we would be pying. I honestly did not remember much of the st home game of the year. I could not tell you what the person who got the jersey off my back in the fun celebration we do as a thank you to the fans looked like. I only had eyes for Brock. That’s when he was pying the puck or it was a timeout. During the game I was fucking locked. I wanted to win more than anything. But sadly, Eureka did as well. So a 3-0 win meant we were up one point on them going to the final game of the season. Just make it to overtime and that pyoff spot is ours. Win and there’s no doubt. We pyed the same time as them, so there’s no looking at the score and hoping for it being taken out of our hands completely with a loss.

  We gave the fans something to cheer about. We are on the precipice. I got my man. Let’s get that fucking pyoff spot.