"Towards destruction, the map, their path and ours leads everyone. Where the angels are born, they stand alone, for to love them was to y down one's life for them."

  The Book of Death

  Astrid could't figure out what woke her up; all of a sudden she was just awake. Her eyes went to the blinds covering the window. It was still dark outside and this time of year that meant the time was somewhere between midnight and four in the morning. Summer nights in these northern parts of the world only offered that many dark hours of the night, something Astrid had always been fond of. She refused to think about what it in contrary meant for those long winter months. Astrid loved the light and as far as she was concerned she could go without those dark nights altogether. This worship of sunlight conflicted a bit with her desire to be perceived as dark-hearted and deep, but she could do little about that. She loved the sun and that was that.

  Throwing her legs off the bed she put her feet in a pair of giant slippers; green and hairy, with three cwed toes. She scurried into the next room. The new door between the rooms hadn't been closed once. Astrid couldn't bring herself to willingly put such an obstacle between her and her baby.

  And there she was. A smile of pride, of love, of bursting with feelings, spread across her face. She just couldn't fathom the miracle lying there in the crib. The hair on the girl's head was slightly darker than her own, more like copper than her carrot-orange. Lucky for her, Astrid thought. Much prettier. Astrid wanted to caress her copper-coloured head but was afraid that she would wake the girl up, so she didn't. Instead, she sat down in the armchair her mother had gotten for her and rested her chin on the white wooden railing of the crib. Earlier that day, she'd told her parents that she pnned not to baptize the baby. Her father had shrugged, but her mother sat down on one of the heavy birch kitchen chairs with a sigh.

  "But Astrid. Everyone in the family expects to be invited to a christening. They want to meet Iris."

  Astrid stood her ground, though, and mum had given in without much fuss. "It's your decision to make, darling. You decide. Should you change your mind I still have baby gown I wore when I was baptized, as well as you did." Astrid picked up on the disappointment in her mother's voice, and it tore at her. Still, she felt strongly about this for some reason. Perhaps her mother worried the family would have yet one more thing to gossip about if they didn't baptize the baby? No, Astrid honestly didn't think that was what worried her mother. That's when she came up with the idea: they would have a naming party.

  "That sounds like a nice idea, Astrid. You decide who we should invite and I'll take care of the invitation cards, ok?" Astrid made sure to invite every retive she had. She knew it made her mother happy, and it felt like the least she could do. They'd both been so kind to her through all of this. No bming, no scolding. Not even a disappointed look, not once. Astrid was thankful for it, but it made her feel a little guilty. She still had not told them who the father was.

  "Mum, would it be okay if Iris wore the dress to the party, even if it's not a real christening?" The tear-filled eyes of her mother told Astrid this mattered a great deal to her.

  "Of course, Iris can wear the gown. And why wouldn't she? This counts as a name celebration just like a baptism in a church would've."

  Astrid let her thoughts wander back to the present and leaned back in the chair. With a quiet sigh, she ran her fingers along the gold-coloured seam of the padded arm of the chair. Mum really had been so understanding about all this. Astrid felt ashamed of the way she'd pictured her mother's reaction to this when she found out. Astrid was so sure her parents would go crazy when they find out what happened but they'd both been so chilled with it all. Not counting the question of the father, that was. They were not chilled about that part. Astrid got why, but she still couldn't bring herself to tell them. Just that night, her father had yet again brought the matter up.

  "Astrid, the father has rights. You understand this, don't you? We won't be angry with you, whoever he is. We won't be mad if he's of legal age when you're not, so you won't be getting him in trouble. This is about Iris."

  Dad was right, Astrid knew that. Iris deserved to know, and she would. Later, when she got older. Mum and dad deserved to know, too. She just didn't know how to tell them. How could she ever make them understand?

  The leaves on the trees had started to fall. That coldness in the wind with a warning: winter was soon to be here. Josefine had a new jacket, but it was starting to get a bit too thin for the cold. Still, she persisted. Astrid remembered her shivering in the crisp autumn sun as they walked down Hornsgatan to go for coffee. They'd started drinking it that summer. None of them liked it, but they were determined to keep going. It was one of those grown-up things one just needed to push through to get to adulthood. They spiked it with so much milk it got cold to drink, and tons of sugar on top of that. They were being silly, Astrid knew that, and so did Jossan. As long as neither of them called it out they would never admit it out loud though.

  After coffee and sharing a giant cinnamon roll, they'd strolled ?s?gatan, not quite ready to head home yet. The sun was still shining and the streets bustling with people. They had pns to go see Raiders of the Lost Ark at the movies. Jossan was obsessed with Harrison Ford. 'Totally dreamy', she called him. Astrid didn't share her feelings, to her Ford seemed like an old man, and he was too... manly. Astrid preferred David Bowie, Marc Almond or Robert Smith. Troubled, sensitive, complicated and beautiful men.

  They were going to fix themselves up at Jossan's pce before heading to the movie theatre and Astrid needed to swing by the apartment to pick up her outfit for the night, so they started to slowly walk towards the subway. However, the group of boys hanging out by the stairs to the subway station caught their attention. Astrid and Josefine lingered, and eventually decided to slip into the nearby store to get a mall package of cigarettes. Wanting to look cool, and needing a reason to stay there, close enough to the boys but not too close, making it too obvious they wanted their attention. Smoking here was a risk, they knew that Jossan's mother and her younger brother were out shopping for a coat and could be nearby, but the thrill of it overthrew their fear of getting caught.

  One of the boys caught Astrid's attention. He seemed to distance himself slightly from the rest of the group, not because he wasn't allowed in. He chose it. His hair was chestnut brown and Astrid remembered thinking maybe he'd look even cuter if he dyed it bck. He definitely had that troubled and complicated yet perfect aura about him. His hair was cut short in the neck and on the sides but longer on the top, sort of like James Dean. Not what boys their age usually chose to do with their hair. Strands of it fell into his eyes as he watched her under his brow. He wore a long-sleeved shirt under a rugged bck denim jacket. Bck trousers, rolled up over green socks in bck Converse. He stood out, the other boys dressed more like the boys at school with stonewashed baggy fit on jeans and big sweaters in bright colours, nylon jackets in a sporty fashion with hi-rise sneakers. This boy looked like he came from a totally different era. He had a Domus bag casually thrown over his shoulder and Astrid could spot the shape of books in it. The thought of him being intellectual made him all the more intriguing.

  Astrid and the strange boy had been staring at each other for quite a while when the other boys finally seemed to notice the two girls. They called them over.

  "Assi, should we? God, this is so awkward, isn't it? I'm so nervous!" Josefine didn't seem to sense Astrid's change of mood. She wasn't nervous at all. She wasn't... anything. She just knew she was supposed to talk to that boy.

  The girls never went to the movies that night. They told their parents they did, but in fact they spent the night with these boys. One of them had the house to himself as his parents were away, and Astrid and Josefine ended up joining the boys to go there. It was stupid and irresponsible. They both knew this, but being a teenager was a lot about ignoring what you knew. Astrid hardly said a word to any of the other boys. They didn't seem to care and neither did she. She spent the night with this strange boy. His name was Max, and his father was from Hungary. Some of the boys drank beers, but Astrid didn't. Max didn't drink either. They talked about music, about film, about school. He told her he went to a school on the other side of town, but by now Astrid knew the school he'd cimed to go to didn't exist. He was sixteen years old – or so he told her. Maybe he didn't have any reason to lie about that particur part, but Astrid questioned everything about him. She had good reason to.

  Max Varga. That's what he said his name was

  "Astrid, you know you're special, right?" That's what he said. "You have like a light burning inside of you that only I can see." She'd been fttered at first, perhaps a bit embarrassed. She wasn't used to boys talking to her that way. He seemed so old-fashioned somehow. She didn't realise until much ter that the light he'd spoken of was literal. He saw an actual light radiate from her. When he suggested they'd go outside to smoke Astrid said yes. She didn't want to smoke but she wanted to be alone with him.

  "Do you ever think about fate, Astrid?" She'd shrugged vaguely to that, not knowing what to respond. She hadn't, but since he asked maybe it was important to him. She wanted him to think it was important to her too. He smiled at her.

  "It's something incredible. Fate. A story. Like a book you've yet to read so you have no idea how it will end but you still know no matter what you do you can't change the story, or how it ends. It's been written already." When he took a drag of his cigarette the amber glow lit up, making his features look ghostly. When he continued, he sounded almost regretful. "

  You and I... we got leading roles in that story. It's cruel and unfair, because even though we get to really make a difference we still can't change the ending of the book. It'd be easier to just be one of those people who passes through the story unnoticed. We won't. Be unnoticed, I mean. Everyone will know who we were." Astrid remembered she'd nodded to that, not having a slightest idea what he meant. She wasn't usually one to hold back on sarcasm when she thought someone acted pretentious, but this time she'd stayed silent. Maybe because he didn't seem pretentious. Just... sad.

  Then he flicked his cigarette and turned to her. Stretched out his hand, touched her hair, ever so gently. Caressed her cheek with warm fingers. When his hand went around the back of her neck and his eyes fixed into hers, she didn't try to look away, didn't back out. To this day she could swear she never even had a choice. She couldn't even if she'd wanted to. Her heart seemed to slow down, sound became muffled, everything but him got blurry. She started feeling dizzy. Perhaps because of the nicotine, but deep-down Astrid knew that wasn't it. It was just calming to think it was. As she stared into his eyes, she could've sworn the colour in them shifted. From dark brown to amber. From amber to gold. From gold to... fire. His facial expression was distant yet so intense. When he kissed her, she closed her eyes and returned the kiss. It was an odd sensation, because she wanted to kiss him, but she also didn't. It didn't matter, he had all the control, and she had none. His arm went around her waist, holding her close. She complied. The kiss intensified as his hand went from her neck up into her hair and this was when she started feeling that sweet tingle in her body. She knew he'd be her first. Tonight.

  Everything after that was somewhat blurry in Astrid's memory. She wasn't sure how they ended up indoors again, somewhere dark. She remembered him pulling off his shirt over his head. Looking at her for a moment before gently pulling her t-shirt off her as well. As he very carefully undressed her, she realised her skin was glowing. It didn't frighten her, for some reason. She just looked at her hands, her arms. It was beautiful. She'd looked at him, almost expecting him to glow too, but he didn't. However, she knew what happened to her body wasn't only in her mind, because he whispered:

  "The light in you, it's like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You're beautiful. I kind of wish I was the one burning like you do now, but I guess in a way it is me. It's because of me, at least. Because of us."

  He'd unbuttoned her mint green cotton bra, touched her bare breast with gentle fingers. Astrid never had any doubt: she wanted it to happen. Her body wanted it. Yet, there had been a sensation of not being in control. A feeling of having no choice. It was disturbing.

  He'd encouraged her to y down on her back. Touched her glowing skin with delicate fingers. Circles on her belly, her thighs. He'd touched her there, and it'd felt like tiny explosions. He made her ready for him. Took his time, gave her the time she needed. It didn't hurt when he penetrated her. At least she thought so, her memory was once again in a haze on that part.

  It had been her first time. Afterwards, she did contempte if he might have drugged her anyway. It didn't make sense, and she couldn't figure out when this was supposed to have happened, but she had no other expnation for her memory being so fragmental. Still, being drugged didn't expined what happened after.

  He changed after they had sex. Suddenly he didn't look sixteen at all, he didn't seem to come from another era, the magic about him was gone. He was just a heartbroken boy, crying with his head rested in his hands.

  "I'm so sorry, Astrid," he wept. "I never wanted this for you. I had no choice, but I'm so, so sorry. It's so unfair, all of it. You should have a chance for a normal life, not this. I'm sorry..."

  His words had frightened her a little, but she'd comforted him just as well. They sat there on the bed together, her in panties and t-shirt, him already fully dressed. They held each other, and although she didn't cry like he did she felt so sad, like sorrow so vast had engulfed her completely.

  Then... he disappeared. It wasn't like he got up and left, he just disappeared. One second, he was holding her hand, looking her in the eyes, smiling a sad smile. The next she was alone in the room. She'd gotten dressed and gone back to the others. Asked them where he went. No one understood what she was talking about. No one knew anything about a boy named Max. She described him, and they all looked at her like she was crazy. The boys didn't have a friend called Max. And they were all sure: apart from that half hour when she'd been missing, they all saw Astrid sitting alone, refusing to talk to anyone.

  Max never existed.

  Astrid had struggled with this for a long time afterwards. Especially when she realised, she was pregnant. She tried to find him. She wanted him to tell her what to do. She desperately needed to not be alone in this. She managed to persuade Marianne, the school's hostess, to help her search through school records of every school in the district. Not a single school had a Max Varga attending. Or, they'd found one: Alexander Maximilian Varga – but he was in fifth grade. Either Max lied about going to school here, or he lied about his name. Finding out his name if Max Varga was a lie would be impossible, so Astrid hoped the lie had been about where he lived. Even if he'd lied about his age he surely couldn't be old enough to live on his own, so she simply called every person listed as Varga in the phonebook and asked for Max. No one had a son, or a brother named Max. Astrid brought it up with Josefine, even though they were both somewhat reluctant to talk about that night. It turned out Josefine also had somewhat blurry memories of it. She never had any beer either, but she had soda. She figured someone slipped her something and was ashamed. Learning that Astrid hade simir experiences the girls came to the conclusion they had, indeed, been drugged. They decided to never tell anyone. So, when Astrid took that pregnancy test and it came back positive, she didn't know what to tell her friend. Her being pregnant with a boy they'd decided was nothing more than hallucinations... Josefine wouldn't want to hear it.

  Hallucination or not, Max were often on her mind. She would fantasize about him showing up at her school, decring his love to her in front of everyone in the most romantic way. He'd kiss her and then take her with him to some dreamhouse where he wanted them to live from now on. After Iris was born, she thought less about him, but she did sometimes wish he'd turn up on her doorstep. She'd introduce him to their daughter, and he would fall in love with her the same way Astrid had. The three of them would get an apartment of their own, or they'd travel the world together, living like nomads.

  Astrid sighed and stretched her stiff body. She realised shed been sitting in that chair, staring at her baby, for well over an hour. She knew she'd never see Max again. She had a feeling Max didn't even really exist. So what was she supposed to tell her parents when they asked about the father to her child?

  Astrid eventually fell asleep in the chair next to the crib. She woke up when her daughter stirred, breastfed her and then went back to her own bed. It was rather unfortunate she spent those hours next to the baby but did so sleeping. The self-doubt in her was wearing her down, not understanding what had happened was eating at her. She was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with her. The experience was hard on this usually strong fourteen year old. Had she been awake and witnessed what happened that night she might have found some kind of consotion or peace in it. Maybe it would have made it a bit easier for her to talk to her parents about it. But, as it turned out, Astrid was sound asleep during that brief moment when her daughter's skin started to glow, much like her own had some ten months ago.