A giddy-grinning man with a short beard and baseball cap stared wide-eyed into the camera.

  "Hey guys, this is Mike from Destruction Farm, we’re not on the farm today, but we got a special treat for you guys. You know I like big handguns and I cannot lie, and boy do we have something insane today. You all heard the news, all the big guntubers from Spooftube are being selected, or possibly abducted, by aliens. No this is not an intro skit, apparently we’re not doing one. THIS…” he said, lifting up a rather large pistol is the 579 Scythe. The first alien built handgun ever on youtube, and I get to shoot it, so suck it Kentucky Sean. He said as he was handed an unloaded handgun.

  "I'm Gizzy, and today we're letting immature primates shoot oversized pistols."

  “Oh that’s light for a big boy…or girl.” He said looking nervous for correction.

  “Relax. We’re not easily triggered, we understand context and intent better than, apparently, most humans."

  "Kinda feels like a Walther PPK Long slide, except really, really long slide. What is that like a 7 inch barrel?" Mike asked.

  5 inch barrel actually, it’s integrally suppressed and about 2 inches of that is just suppressor This was the standard handgun for the Medusa crew, except Vinn who was too damn big to use this.”

  “I mean, I’m a big guy and this still aint a small gun for me.”

  “He’s 750 pounds, well over 8 foot if you count the antler. He needed bigger guns.”

  “Yea okay, that's...so why such a big standard issue gun? Most everyday carries are way shorter.”

  “You ever shoot a 38 out of a heavier 357 magnum because it’s easier on the shooter for most situations?”

  “Sure.” he nodded.

  “You ever encounter an alien that can shrug off a 38 and wish you had the 357 magmum?”

  “Go big, dial it back. Nice, I like it.”

  “It’s designed to fire a wide range of bullets and power levels. The recoil system is actually part of the suppressor, so the more pressure the round has, the more backpressure it puts on the spring in a pneumatic tube, so the harder it kicks, the harder it brakes, and the same springs that can run the heavier power shells can still run the light ones. The suppressor actually moves back with the slide to compress the gas for higher efficiency. It’s called the 579 Scythe because it's part of the Reaper series, and the standard Scythe fires a 5mm, 7mm, or 9mm bullet, and that just depends on the barrel insert you use. We have two today, my personal one modified for bigger rounds, and the standard running the 9mm barrel. 20 rounds in 9, 25 in 7mm. It’s right at one pound loaded, assuming average brass or steel ammo. Very basic to use, the crew was all right-handed, so these are too, but they come in both and an ambi model. Controls are almost identical to a 1911, thub mag release, slide release, thumb selector safe, semi and burst.”

  “Oh shit, this has a burst setting? Soweeet.” Mike grinned.

  “3 round burst is standard, mine is full auto, 600 rounds a minute, so about half as fast as a switched Glock, or normal for an AK. Conserves ammo. Internal hammer, there’s no decock button, you just pull the trigger with the slide back and let it down slow. You can't fire it by letting go, it’s just...sketchy feeling. Single action, delayed rotating bolt, gas operated blowback, the suppressor vents forward. Now I tell everyone before they shoot this to expect a lot more flash than you’re used to. The propellant burns at a higher temperature, and these tend to throw a fireball much bigger than you expect from the recoil and sound.”

  “How is the recoil?”

  “Easy enough, unless you run spicy rounds. This here is the mag for the 9mm OSP, Osirian Standard Pistol. Typical 200 grain steel hybrid rounds, go on and give that a few pops but remember it the flash looks worse than it is. The recoil is about like shooting a 45ACP.”

  “Out of a suppressed Nine?” Mike squinted.

  “Just don’t bitch-wrist it.” she smirked. He steadied and fired, jumping a little at the unexpected…everything. “See? Not bad but stout.” She said, still loading her gun.

  “I’mma be honest.” He said, blinking and wiggling his finger in his ear. “That was a confusing experience. I didn’t wear ear pro, because in my mind this is a suppressed 9mm handgun, and kinda thought you were overselling the kick. Does the suppressor turn on and off or something?”

  “No. I forgot to give you the ammo stats. It’s suppressed, not quiet. It’s suppressed to both tame the noise and the recoil, so what you just felt and heard was the muzzle energy and bullet weight of a 308 Winchester in a handgun. That energy should have deafened you, and pitched the gun back into your face. The suppressor cut it back to that little leftover bit, and unfortunately the muzzle flash still kinda looks like a 308. Brighter propellant, not a lot we can do in a compact gun."

  “Yea I noticed that. You guys are carrying a mag full of 308 in a handgun for normal shit? Wait, hold up.” He said, taking out the magazine and looking puzzled. “This kinda just looks like a regular 9mm. I mean it looks weird, but it’s about the same size, like I could put these in my Glock and they would fit the mag. What the hell?”

  “That’s 75 percent projectile, 25 percent metallic high explosives. The bullet is 9mm, but it’s twice as long because we wanted more mass for that ass, that would absolutely turn your Glock into a grenade if it somehow fired it. Don’t try it. It won’t fire, but if it did, it would suck for you. We can fire 400 grain Tungsten/osmium alloy subsonics with more power than a 357 magnum and dead quiet, but the normal rounds are moving fairly fast, about 3002 FPS. Now normally the reason this runs 5,7, and 9mm is because a lot of people prefer a 30 round mag of 5mmOSP hitting like a 556 out of an AR15, than what you just fired that holds 20 and kicks like more. But you can't silence a 5mm projectile with any power behind it, too light.”

  “Yea everyone talks about length, but girth is important too ya know. Too skinny is almost worse sometimes. I wouldn’t know, I usually shoot 9mm or bigger but like some people I hear about. Bring a 22 to the range, the girls are like what the hell Mike, or that guy’s name rather. That’s what they would say.”

  “Moving on. As you can see from the charts here, the ammo is coded for Power ratings. Unlike American calibers that often tell you Jack Diddley Dick about the round, we like to know what we’re firing.” Gizzy sighed.

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  “We have standards, we just use inches. 50 cal is .5 inches.”

  “So a 500 magnum is ten times the size of a 50AE, with a whopping 5 inch wide bullet? It's not a 500, it’s a 50, and less powerful than a 50 BMG. 50 BMG is can take out a truck at a thousand yards, 50 GI won't go through a level 2 vest, it’s a bitch 50. What does GI mean…government issue? How many feet per second is in a government? BMG, Browning machine gun, how many foot pounds of energy is 1 Browning?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Okay fair point we do kinda just make up names for shit that don’t mean anything, but also in fairness, 500 magnum does sound really cool.”

  “1100fps of cool or 2500fps of cool? Just off the top of your head? Any idea what a 500 mag puts out?

  “I dunno. 44 magnum-ish I think…maybe less? Actually they come in different loads so it might...i'm seeing your logic.” Mike nodded.

  “Well, we use a more logical system. This is a 7mmOSPx2k. Now that sounds like a lot, but OSP just means Osirian Standard Pistol and everything is in millimeters, so you could just say 7x2k. That’s 7mm, 2,000 foot-pounds of energy. The reaper series moves in increments of a thousand foot pounds, and 2mm increments in diameter, so even at a glance with no idea what this is, I can see that it’s a 7x2k. It’s bigger than a 5mm and not quite a 9mm and I can visually tell that much, 2 gold stripes on the stub means 2,000. Remember, you’re only feeling a third of that recoil compared to a typical handgun with no suppressor or muzzle brake. Even less with the smaller calibers because the higher pressure to bullet weight means less kinetic push back from the bullet and higher efficiency on the recoil dampening. Now standard length for the pistol rounds for the Scythe are 28-30mm, 35 for my custom one. Standard is 2k foot pounds, but the guns will handle up to 5k if desired, designated by 5 gold stripes. As you can see from the stubs, the extractor rim and groove for the 5,7,and 9 are all the same, so just a barrel change and nothing else, changes caliber, same magazine. My custom one takes bigger rounds and bigger stubs, so you can't accidentally put a 7mm BRUT in a standard mag and break your wrist. This was a modification done mid-mission because we can 3d print anything in no time just by adjusting the computer files and pressing go. The rifles can actually fire the pistol rounds, standard rifle rounds or even special heavy rifle rounds that fit in the bullpup magazine, we couldn’t get a bullpup pistol to hold 2 calibers. Later into the missions I ended up just taking the new reaper Mikro rifle, designed for smaller crew members, and I just removed the stock and ran it like a big pistol. I was just done fuckin around.”

  “Oh bet the recoil SUUUucked.” Mike gasped.

  “You gotta remember, I may look human passable in a Charlotte model body, this one’s got a little custom work, but under the skin is a metal-reinforced skeleton and fiber strengthened muscles running off a nuclear power cell. Recoil for me isn't a factor until the recoil is so massive that it actually lifts my body weight and pushes me back. That Reaper Mikro is a 4 pound gun with 50BMG comparable capability, and I could control it one-handed in semi-auto just fine. We’re built heartier. I probably outweigh you by 80 pounds. The 7mm BRUT or 7OCPx5k was invented on the fly, as a result of us encountering shit that can take a 308 rifle round and just smile at you." she yawned.

  “Yea I’m gonna pretend there’s not…horrible things in space we don’t know about. That’s kinda more my style. It’s chill if they’re cool like you guys, but if their dicks and OP as hell, I…maybe just don’t wanna know.”

  “Don’t worry it’s handled. The mission was technically a success.”

  “How Technically?”

  “It’s complicated. Regardless of details, we found out real quickly that armor piercing was vital and silence was not, so I ended up running the 7mm Brut, which runs a 100 grain round at just shy of 5,000FPS. Kicks like a 44 magnum. Eats armor like groceries, and the extra 5 rounds per mag over the inadequate 9 was nice.”

  “I wanna be the first human to fire a 5,000fps handgun.” Mike muttered rapidly.

  “Well…you won’t be. Technically, you wouldn’t be. We have humans on my world too, don’t, don’t even ask why or how.”

  “I wanna be the first human on Earth to fire a 5,000FPS handgun. Please? Please, can I shoot the 7mm zippy?” He grinned.

  “You’re like a child with a beard. Yea, fuck it, go for it. You’ve shot more recoil on your channel. Ear pro, for the love of god, ear protection for that gun.” She hollered as the sound rattled the table.

  “WHOOo00000o! That is a ride! MAN I want this gun. He said, looking back with puppy dog eyes and waiting silently.

  “No. That’s my custom gun. You can keep the black one and all 3 barrels. I’ll let you have some of the ammo."

  “Hell yea! Awe man, new gun day is always a good day, but new alien gun day is special. Do I have to do anything crazy to clean it or oil it?”

  “Nope. Takes down like you’d expect, turn the pin 180 and pop it out, de-cock the hammer, whole thing comes apart, treat it like you would any gun. Throw it in the mud, freeze it in ice, you really won’t break it by accident. The iron sights are fixed, and you’ll figure out the holographic optic eventually."

  “There’s an opic with it?”

  “Yea, it’s on the gun. It’s fully holographic. Look here.” She said, pressing and holding the rear sight as a blue screen materialized in thin air, projecting a green dot in the center.

  “OH SHIT, boi. Freaking floating ghost green dot? Hurry me Obi, you're my only hope. No way! I’m so happy right now. I don’t know if you people hug?”

  “We don’t”

  “Mmokay, well this is amazing, how do I change the battery?”

  “You don’t. It should run for about a year on full blast, and the barrels won’t last that long with the boxes of ammo I’m giving you. So by the time the optic battery dies, the rifling is long gone, and you won’t have ammo or need sights.

  “Can I buy more barrels?” he asked.

  “Nope. That’s about a thousand round gun, and then it’s a very valuable paperweight. These were for one mission and disposable 3d printed like the ammo. They were meant to just barely outlast the lifespan of the crew…which was about 3 months.”

  “That’s…kinda horrible.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, we print more crew when those run out too. You know how many of this body specifically I’ve gone through?”

  “…five?” Mike asked.

  “I don’t have exact mission numbers on record, It felt rhetorical, I didn’t think you’d really guess a number. The point is: we can print clones like we can print guns, and these aren’t made to last a lifetime, unless you’re a clone on a mission where your lifetime is about 3 months. Just make sure you have the right barrel for the ammo, you CAN fire a smaller round out of a larger barrel, the gun will do it hot-dog down a hallway style. It will tumble and sound bad and the gun won't cycle right, but nothing will stop you from doing it.”

  “My wife might. I'm gonna have to share this with her. This means a lot to me. I know you’re probably just picking the humans with the highest subscriber count for exposure, but it’s an honor to be chosen. By the way, where the hell are we? I got black bagged and put on a very awkward 2 hour flight. Hey, wait, am I not on Earth? Am I not the first human on Earth to shoot this thing…am I the second guntuber to go to space and not the first human on Earth to shoot a 5,000fps pistol?” he asked, looking worried and confused.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Because that’s also really cool, I just wanna know what to brag about correctly, and Braden was first, and he got a 50 cal.”

  “Ugh, you primates and your 50 cal boners. Here, you can have my damn pistol, this isn’t the original anyway, it’s a reprint. I'll print a new one. The original got left behind. Now technically this is a not a 579 scythe, it’s a 9, 11, 13 scythe with a baffling adapter for 7mm BRUT. Unscrew this, remove the gasket tube, and it runs an 11mm and 13mm round. I’ll throw in some heavy ammo."

  “Wait, 13mm, is that 50 cal?”

  “Technically, it’s 51 caliber.” Gizzy squinted.

  “So I got a 51 caliber and Braden got a 50, SUCK IT, AK bro!”

  “Technically his is also a 51, they’re all 13mm. His is just a rifle, but you got 2 pistols and more ammo, and mine is engraved and custom.”

  “Yea, I’ll take it. That’s a win in my book. You can’t conceal carry a rifle.”

  “Well, I have. And technically this may not be legal to concealed carry since it’s an unregistered destructive device that can fire grenades, no I am not giving you grenades for it, just basic ammo. But this might be a list of felonies, you will want to cut that from the video, and I’m keeping the part now, where I tell you that beyond this, it is not my legal responsibility and I do not encourage you to carry or even fire this weapon.” She said with a massive wink.

  “Does winking mean the same thing it does here?” he asked.

  “Ugh, yes. Just cut out the part in editing where I winked, and try not to shoot your eye out, kid. Ho ho ho. Run the outtro music.”

  "I love you guys, peace out from the Demo Farm!" he hollered, dual wielding and doing an awkward dance as the music faded in, as well as a sponsor link for Black Tallon Energy and for some reason, Hidden Valley ranch.