“You did what,” Himari-chan excimed in shock. “You just came out to her like that!?”

  “It wasn’t like I pnned on telling her st night, I just have a difficult time lying to people. But it’s fine, right? She’s cool with her aunt and you going out, so why would it be any different with me?”

  “That’s not the problem here,” Himari-chan groaned and nursed her growing migraine.

  After working the morning shift with Himari-chan, she suggested we get lunch together. Since I had been eager to talk to her about what happened, it was an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. She and I got along surprisingly well, and she helped calm me down after my fight with Sasaki-san on the beach, so I was desperate to hear what she’d tell me.

  Not only did I have no experience with romance, but I wasn’t exactly the best at communicating my feelings. Mom could read my mood with a single look, so I never needed to expin to her how I felt. Aoi-chan was much more straight-forward and would call me out whenever I acted strangely. Now I was in a situation where I couldn’t talk to Sasaki-san about my honest feelings, but I also couldn’t understand why I felt the things I did.

  When the boy who asked about my swimsuit wanted to get Sasaki-san’s number from me, I felt a tightness in my chest and an uncomfortable rage built up within me. Then to see her get mad at me out of nowhere was the st straw for my rational thinking mind. Could she really be so dense as to not understand why I’d be upset about some random boy who asked me for her number? Not only was the boy a coward, but he was also a complete jerk.

  Himari-chan seemed to think that the problem wasn’t me telling Sasaki-san about my sexuality, but I couldn’t understand what it was then. Wouldn’t telling the girl whom I had already agreed to live with in the future that I was interested in women be an issue?

  “Alright, what exactly is the problem then,” I asked, eager to get some crification.

  “Geez, you’re denser than Rina-chan,” she groaned. “How about I ask you a hypothetical then? How would you feel if you learned that Sasaki-san wasn’t opposed to dating women? Would you be eted, or would you be more nervous than before?”

  “Give me a moment so I can run such an unrealistic scenario in my head.”

  The thought that Sasaki-san would be interested in dating a girl hadn’t really crossed my mind before. While she had made it clear that she was fine with same-sex retionships, she never expressed interest in a girl. While she did seem comfortable sharing things with me that I thought were too intimate, such as her body, I chalked that up to her being a gyaru.

  “If she were to be interested in dating a woman, then I guess I’d be nervous. Even if she was into women, that doesn’t mean that I’d be her type. She may be into the masculine type or gyaru like her. Objectively speaking, I’m pretty pin, not to mention my personality being difficult to deal with. If she were into women, I’d be nervous that she wouldn’t be interested in someone like me.”

  “Ugh,” Himari-chan sighed. “Sayaka-chan, tell me, do you know any of Rina-chan’s other friends?”

  “No. I was under the impression that she didn’t have any friends other than me. Why?”

  “Do you actually think that she cares at all about your appearance? She’s not a shallow gyaru like you imagine her to be, she doesn’t care about what people think when they see the two of you together.”

  Himari-chan was trying to make a point, but I couldn’t understand what it was. If it was that Sasaki-san didn’t have a type, why couldn’t she have just said that?

  “Okay, but why would she be self-conscious about hanging out with a friend? Isn’t holding hands in public a thing gyaru do?”

  “Didn’t you tell me that she suggested that she wasn’t actually a gyaru? That it’s just an act? If that’s the case, why would she act like one after telling you that she isn’t one?”

  “Even if it’s an act, she’d still demonstrates those behaviors,” I expined. “Even if she acted that way to make friends at first, it’s probably been engrained in her mind, and she doesn’t even think about it anymore.”

  “She hasn’t had friends, let alone gyaru ones, in a couple years. Don’t you think she’d drop a few of those behaviors?”

  “I don’t know, she’s hugged me a few times and touched my hair, none of which mean she’s attracted to me.”

  “Okay, fine. She knows you’re a lesbian and is fine with it. She also probably knows that you find her attractive because you suck at lying. None of that scared her off, right? In fact, you said she sounded slightly excited. Why can’t you just be straight-forward and ask her if she’d be interested in dating? I doubt she’d be any more upset than when she learned you liked her tits.”

  “Ah, why did you phrase it that way!?” I cried out in embarrassment. “Geez… To answer your question; wouldn’t it become awkward between us if she rejected me? It’s one thing to know that I find her attractive, it’s another thing entirely for her to know I have feelings for her.”

  “Useless lesbian…” Himari-san muttered under her breath. “What is your pn then, idiot? Just pretend you have no feelings for her while you gawk at her in your apartment when you eventually move in together? Oh yeah, that wouldn’t be creepy or raise suspicions at all, dumbass. One day she’d catch you sniffing her panties and ask what you’re doing. That’s a million times worse than just asking her.”

  Where did she get the idea that I’d ever be interested in the smell of Sasaki-san’s underwear!? Was that a thing that lesbians did that I was unaware of? Nowhere in the books that I read did a girl sneakily sniff the undergarments of the girl she liked. Perhaps it was just a thing that adults did. Thanks to Himari-chan, since I was going to become an adult soon, I had to be on high alert for any unusual urges to huff Sasaki-san’s underpants.

  “Why would I ever do such a thing? In any case, I understand what you’re trying to say. Aoi-chan said something simir about making up excuses to not be upfront about my feelings. In all honesty, the thing I’m most scared of isn’t confessing, but what happens afterwards. I don’t have good a experience with retionships, as I’ve said before, and it scares me to think about entering into one of my own.”

  “What exactly are you afraid will happen? You don’t need to tell me the root cause of that fear, just what you’re scared she’ll do,” Himari-chan asked in a soft, understanding tone; a change from the combative and annoyed tone she had been using before.

  “I guess I’m not sure if I can trust someone enough to allow myself to be vulnerable around them. What if she changes after we begin dating and I’m stuck in a miserable retionship? What if she’s not as into me as I thought, and she cheats on me? What if, after I’ve opened myself up to her and trusted her fully, she changes her mind and wants to break up? Arguments and fights are common within a retionship, and I can handle those things in stride. What I can’t handle is dating someone who will eventually hurt me, either physically or emotionally. High school romances rarely st past graduation, so is it really worth putting myself out there for something that will fall apart as soon as we’re no longer in the same pce in our lives?”

  Himari-chan nodded in silence, digesting everything I had said. She didn’t want to give an empty response, or one that cked true thought. My worries weren’t easy to brush aside with a simple assurance that her girlfriend’s niece wasn’t that kind of person. Everything I had seen from Sasaki-san had been great, but that was what scared me the most about her.

  In my experience, everyone hides their faults and insecurities around people they want to impress or get along with. Perhaps Sasaki-san was just showing me her good side while hiding her real self that wasn’t as good natured and sweet. We hadn’t known each other for very long, and I hadn’t seen any other side of her than the gyaru side that she showed everyone. Despite what my heart wanted; I couldn’t rush into a retionship carelessly.

  “Then learn everything you can about her, the good things and the bad things, before revealing your feelings. Look, if you want to hold her hand or kiss her, you shouldn’t feel bad about that, but if that’s all you can handle right now, don’t enter into a retionship with her until you’re ready. If you can’t ask her directly, you could always ask Touka about what Rina-chan was like in the past. I’m sure she’d love to bbber on about her beloved niece.”

  Himari-chan’s response was exactly what I needed to hear and not just empty words dismissing my concerns. There was wisdom in her words, and her advice made sense to me. If I wanted to mitigate my anxiety, then I needed to make sure Sasaki-san was worth the risk. The best ways to learn about her were time and talking to her retives. If I just asked her to tell me more about herself, she would gloss over the parts that really mattered.

  “Can we change shifts tomorrow? I want to work with Touka-san in the morning, so I can talk to her while Sasaki-san is busy.”

  “That should be fine, I’m sure Touka will be happy to work with you for a change. Are you that eager to learn more about Rina-chan?”

  “It’s not like I can ask her mother or friends, so the best I can do is her aunt. They seem to be pretty close, so I’m sure she can tell me a lot about what she was like in the past,” I expined.

  “Touka is a lot to deal with, so be prepared. Oh, and if she flirts with anyone, give me a call. I’ll be sure to remind her who her girlfriend is.”

  Himari-chan was rightfully possessive of her girlfriend, who seemed to be a serial flirter. Touka-san brought it upon herself though; flirting in front of the person she had been dating for years was just idiotic. That was one behavior that I hoped Sasaki-san hadn’t pick up from her aunt. Even if Sasaki-san was the sweetest person in the world, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the amount of jealousy I’d feel whenever she flirted with someone other than me.

  It was a testament to how serious my feelings were for her that I subjected myself to so many new emotions. In the past, I avoided anything that was out of the norm or was overly familiar. The part of me that had hidden those emotions had finally begun to loosen its hold, and I was suddenly faced with a deluge of uncomfortable and unfamiliar emotions. Yet it was worth it if it were in the pursuit of getting closer to someone who I felt strongly towards.

  Sasaki-san wasn’t an easy person to read, thanks to her years of pretending to be something she may not have naturally been. However, it was worth the effort and emotional turmoil to learn more about her. If things didn’t go my way, for one reason or another, at least I could say I took my emotions seriously and didn’t run away from them.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  “Isn’t it more fun to work with me than that grumpy girlfriend of mine,” Touka-san asked with a silly grin on her face.

  “It’s been different, that’s for sure. Although, I hope you know that I’ve been keeping a tally of all the girls you’ve flirted with. Are you sure that you’re dedicated to Himari-chan?”

  “Ah! Yes, of course I am! I’m just a natural flirt, I’d never cheat on her! We pn on going abroad to get married in a couple years; I wouldn’t think that far in the future if I wasn’t serious about her!”

  Touka-san was much too defensive for my liking, but I could also tell that her behavior was an ongoing issue that had been pguing their retionship for a while. While I didn’t think she had any dubious intentions, it was a bit weird to hear her compliment girls on their looks when she had a partner she pnned to marry one day. Then again, it’s not like I was an expert on healthy retionships; how would I know what was acceptable in their retionship?

  “Marriage? Wow. You must really love her,” I pondered out loud.

  “Well, duh. Are you just now figuring out that I love the girl I’ve been dating for years and currently live with? Sheesh. Rina said you weren’t good with romance, but I didn’t think you’d be this inept.”

  “Forgive me for being skeptical about the girl who stared at a customer’s cleavage while I made their order.”

  “Her neckce! I was looking at her neckce! Are you trying to get me killed or something? Did you ask to switch shifts just to bully me?”

  “Of course not. Actually, I wanted to talk to you while Sasaki-san was busy. Do you mind?” I asked, hoping that she wasn’t too mad at me.

  “Heho! I think I know what this will be about,” she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows and a suggestive tone. “Alright, count me in. We get off soon, and then we’ll talk over lunch.”

  It was strange how I could easily talk to two people who I had only known for a short time, yet I couldn’t speak candidly with the person I liked. There was something comforting about talking to someone who was like me and could empathize with my experience. What also helped was how id-back both Touka-san and Himari-chan were. Neither of them seemed to get bothered by much and were open to talking things out. Their retionship was different from mine with Sasaki-san in more ways than one.

  After speaking to Himari-chan the day before, I had a renewed resolve in me to rein in my emotions and slow things down. I had been so caught up in my feelings that I didn’t consider anything other than the anxiety of thinking of her body and coming out to Sasaki-san. The most important thing was trust, and I didn’t have enough information to determine whether or not I could trust her wholly.

  She was fun to talk to, and extremely caring, but I knew nothing about her past. It was hypocritical of me to focus on that point while I was unwilling to share my own past experiences, but I just wanted to know if she had always been the same person. If she changed herself to fit in, then what was she like before and would she change again in the future? If fitting in was so important to her that she went as far as changing everything about herself, then would she worry about it in the future?

  Same-sex retionships weren’t totally uncommon, but they still weren’t accepted by a rge portion of society. There were inherent risks that came with a lesbian retionship; things like discrimination in the workpce, limited living options since a lot of pces didn’t allow same-sex couples, and the judgmental stares we’d inevitably get. While I didn’t care about the opinion of others, Sasaki-san was the kind to think about that stuff. Would she be able to sacrifice a “normal” life in favor of being with me? It was impossible to know without learning more about her.

  When the time came to change shifts, I hurriedly hung up my apron and exited out the backdoor before Sasaki-san could start a conversation. It’s not like I was avoiding her, but I didn’t want my resolve to waver or for my mind to be in a state that would overlook things that I’d normally be concerned about. A sober mind was a necessity when approaching such sensitive topics.

  “Alright, kiddo, let’s get some lunch! I’m starving,” Touka-san exaggerated.

  “Lead the way, boss,” I answered in a monotone.

  “Can I ask why you’re so interested in my beloved niece? Are you doing a background check to learn if she’s a bad influence on the youth?”

  “Don’t be stupid,” I retorted. “I’m sure you’ve already deduced what this is about. You may be an airheaded idiot like your niece, but you’re not blind.”

  “Please don’t call me an idiot, that’s your pet-name for Rina after all,” Touka-san replied with a smirk. “It’s only natural for you to fall for my niece, she’s perfect. Don’t ask me to badmouth her, because I won’t. I’ll only insult my sister!”

  “Uh-huh. I don’t really want you to praise or badmouth her, just the truth will suffice. I know it’s wrong for me to go behind her back like this, but I have my reasons.”

  “I’ve done worse, so don’t worry about it. How does ramen sound?”

  “Whatever is fine. Just take it out of my wages.”

  “Pfft, no way! The least I can do is treat you to lunch once in a while, don’t worry about it. Save your money for something you really want!”

  It was strange to hear Touka-san talk about money in such a responsible way. She didn’t come across as the type to be frugal with her money, but she ran a successful business. Granted, a lot of their success was due to Himari-chan handling most of the business affairs, but Touka-san wasn’t as irresponsible as I thought.

  We went to a local ramen restaurant and ordered our food before we began the heavy talk. It would be difficult to stop once we started, so it was better to get everything else out of the way first. Soon, the time came for the awkward discussion to commence.

  “Sasaki-san said something that suggested that she wasn’t a natural gyaru. What did she mean by that and what was she like before?”

  “Not wasting a second are you,” Touka-san commented between bites of ramen. “My sister sucked as a mother. Rina was alone most of the time because her parents prioritized their work over everything. They paid for whatever she wanted, and would order meals for her, but they rarely saw her. As such, she grew up isoted and wasn’t sure how to rete to the kids in her css during grade school. Even though she had all the games and manga she wanted, she didn’t make any friends and was extremely shy.”

  “That sounds like a drastic deviation from the person she is now,” I pointed out.

  “She’s a freaking huge otaku dork. She got obsessed with anime and manga, and would collect figurines, limited edition releases, and whatever other merch there was. She was particurly into the gyaru she saw in manga. They were always popur, with a lot of friends, and were outgoing and beautiful. When the time came for her to enter junior high, she decided to act like the gyaru she saw in manga. Her parents give her a ridiculous allowance, so she could buy all the trendy clothes and accessories she wanted. And it worked! She made friends and was just as popur as she dreamed of being in grade school.”

  “I see… She did mention that she was an otaku, but I wasn’t aware that she was that severe. It’s a bit shocking that all it took to make friends was mimicking what she saw in manga, but she’s weird like that.”

  “She’s also pretty,” Touka-san added with a chuckle. “She really took her appearance seriously. While a lot of kids in her position would eat nothing but junk food and ze around the house, she was careful with her diet and worked out regurly. People flock to pretty girls who are trendy and rich. As you can imagine, her friendships weren’t very close.”

  “That expins why she was so happy when I accepted her in spite of her appearance and not because of it,” I mumbled. “Alright, so then what happened? There was some drama with her ex or something right?”

  “Yeah. That guy was a total dick. They met at an anime convention, and she wasn’t dressed as a gyaru, so she thought he liked her for her personality and their shared love for nerd stuff. She didn’t catch on to the fact that he was a brat even though he never wanted to hang out when it wasn’t convenient for him and that he never took her anywhere other than bookstores and cafes. The bastard even tried to kiss her! Fortunately, she was able to avoid that and his other attempts to persuade her to do indecent things. Of course, he was cheating on her, and when she found out and threatened to expose his prickish behavior, he started telling everyone that she cheated on him. The stories became so embellished that they even began saying that she had an abortion and that she was a sex fiend. Can you believe that!? My pure, innocent niece was the furthest thing from a slut, but they just figured that she was a gyaru and that’s what those girls do.”

  “My mom really didn’t help with debunking that assumption,” I sighed. “Well, that expins some things, I suppose… Wait, why did she have condoms and a… massager in her bedroom?”

  “Ugh! Don’t get me started. My dumbass sister thought it was a good idea to give her that stuff “just in case”. It speaks volumes about their retionship that sis thought it was better to give her condoms than talk to her own daughter.”

  “Then I should apologize to her for making an unfair assumption when I found them.”

  “Don’t worry about it, she’s not really one to care about that stuff. She’s probably more embarrassed that you saw them than your wrong assumption.”

  Touka-san seemed very loose-lipped about her niece’s private life, but I trusted her not to share anything that Sasaki-san wouldn’t want her to. Learning that Sasaki-san was actually a shy, awkward otaku and not a gyaru was strangely comforting. Just as I didn’t care about her being a gyaru, I didn’t care that she was an otaku. If she gave up the makeup and fshy clothes in favor of figurines, bookshelves of manga, and sweatpants, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about her.

  If I were being honest with myself, I actually wanted to see the grade school version of her. If that was what she was actually like, if that was her true personality, then I wanted her to express that. If she was a dork who chased after limited edition manga, I wanted her to do that without worrying about how I saw her. While I liked how she dressed because I found it extremely attractive, I wouldn’t want her to wear them just for my selfish desires.

  “What’re you thinking,” Touka-san asked after sitting in silence for a few minutes.

  “Do you think she wants to stop being a gyaru? Or do you think it’s an irreversible change?”

  “Pfftahaha! You have no idea how much of a dork she actually is. Do you think she hangs out at home in full makeup and hotpants? She still has a ton of otaku stuff; she just hides it from sight. She’ll probably never be as shy as she was as a kid, but it’s not like being a gyaru is in her DNA.”

  “I see… Do you think she’s clinging to me because I accept her? Like, would I become an afterthought if she made otaku friends who accepted her?”

  “I think you should ask her that yourself,” Touka-san deflected. “Now that I’ve told you about her past, how do you feel? Did I ease any of your concerns?”

  “Yeah, you did… What’s her retionship with her parents now?”

  “They didn’t care about the idea of her sleeping around; do you think they’d care if she dated a girl? That’s what you were really wondering about, right? They talk on the phone maybe twice a year and she only sees her mom once a year or so. Her dad works overseas, and she hasn’t seen him in years. It’s not like they hate her or anything; they just don’t know how to be parents. They support her financially and that’s their way of showing that they care.”

  “My mom adores her, so at least she has someone to go to now,” I added for my own comfort. “If you can’t answer this, just say so, but… Is she the kind of person who changes her mind easily?”

  “Once again, I advise you to ask her that question. I’ll just point out that she’s still a gyaru even after all these years despite it not being beneficial for her anymore.”

  “Mhmm…”

  “You know, it’s a bit rude to ask someone to share something that you refuse to share yourself. I won’t pressure you to tell her anything you don’t want to, but don’t you think she also wants to know about your past as well? Maybe it’d help her understand you better,” Touka-san sat back with a smug grin on her face.

  “Has she ever been violent with others,” I asked in complete seriousness.

  Touka-san’s smile faded and the shine in her eyes dulled. My question wasn’t subtle, so she most likely connected some dots in her head, but I wasn’t going to dance around to find out the answer. To me, it was just as important as her personality was.

  “No. She’s a very gentle person. She rarely ever gets angry, and she’s never shed out because of her emotions. It would never happen, but if she were to ever y a hand on you; I’d personally beat her ass and drag her to the police.”

  The tone of Touka-san’s voice was deadly serious and sincere. She knew that it wasn’t a topic she could joke about or take lightly. I had no intention of sharing what happened, but I couldn’t overcome the fear of being trapped like Mom was.

  “No offense, but I can’t just take your word for it. Until I’m certain that she won’t hurt me, I’ll keep my feelings to myself. I trust you not to tell her about this.”

  “Of course… I’m not really sure what to say. She’s the sweetest person, but I’m assuming you’ve heard empty praise before. Rina doesn’t know, so don’t bme her if she’s insensitive.”

  “I won’t, but I also won’t talk about it again after we leave. I need to protect myself before all else, and I can’t trust someone I’ve known for a few months.”

  “Fair enough,” Touka-san said solemnly. “Please don’t hurt her in an attempt to protect yourself.”

  Content with our discussion I stood up and took a deep breath to decompress from such a heavy topic. While Touka-san had answered a lot of my questions and most of worries had been eased, I still couldn’t let go of my biggest fear. Sasaki-san wasn’t at fault for my trauma, nor was she responsible for the past, but that didn’t make it disappear. All I could do was hope that she would prove herself as the gentle person I believed her to be.

  “I have no intention of hurting Sasaki-san. All I want is some peace of mind. I’ll accept everything else about her, her fws and insecurities, and her true self. None of that stuff matters to me. There’s only one thing that I can’t accept, and I don’t believe that she’d ever do that, but I can’t be certain right now. Once I can trust her wholly and completely, I’ll never let her go.”

  Touka-san responded by embracing me, which wasn’t what I expected her to do. She was more like an older sister than an aunt to Sasaki-san, so it made sense for her to be protective of her. It felt strangely nice to be accepted by the family of the girl I loved, even if we weren’t going out.

  Not another word was spoken after that, which was unlike the normally talkative and hyper Touka-san. There was no need for more words, and anything would have felt forced to fill the silence. She was the first person I had ever subtly hinted to what I went through when I was younger, but I felt it was a necessary exception for me to make. For too long was my heart and mind controlled by the past, but I was finally ready to move forward. And that was all thanks to Sasaki-san.