The_Luce

  homophobia, intense gender dysphoria

  [colpse]

  I stared at my reflection in the sun visor mirror above the passenger seat in muted disbelief, while my mom prattled on about who-cared-what next to me. It was utterly unrecognizable. It wasn't me. That was not me.

  How did this happen? Which deity did I piss off to end up like this? A pale face, blemished with an outbreak of acne like I had never seen and dozens of dark hairs defiantly sprouting like weeds from concrete. Drab, brown hair, short and tangled and oily. An oversized gray hoodie obscuring what became of my figure.

  The only part of me I could recognize were my eyes, wide in horror and coloured the exact same icy blue as always. I wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't come out no matter how all-encompassing my despair got.

  Mom forced me to go to school today. I begged her to let me stay, but she said I had only gone a single day st week, and I couldn't miss another. Apparently, whoever's body I was in right now was a total fucking loser. As if today couldn't get any worse. Who the hell was he, and why was I in his body?!

  I racked my brain for an answer, desperately trying to figure out how to get out of this nightmare that I could barely wrap my head around. Was it something that happened st night? I thought back to yesterday.

  ***

  The night air was chilly enough, when Mike dropped me off at my front door, that I could see the fog of my breath under the porchlight. I let out an airy giggle as I smiled up at him, "I had a really nice time tonight."

  Ack! That was so cliché!

  He smirked down at me while I shivered, and not - just - from the cold. "Hey, babe, I had a great time too."

  I closed my eyes and puckered my lips. Come on, kiss me! Like in the movies! I didn't have to wait long; he was even more eager to make out than I was. I kicked one leg out behind me as we kissed - that was also in the movies - and we broke to gasp for air when I finally began to wobble.

  "Goodnight, Mike. See you tomorrow." I coyly winked as I turned to go inside. That'd give him something to think about.

  I leaned back against the door once I was inside, dreamily sighing. God, he was like, the hottest guy in my school. And he chose me! Unlike some other girls, I actually put a lot of effort into my appearance - that's what made the difference. I took a moment to preen in front of the hallway mirror, trying out different poses and expressions. My hair was kind of a mess after our date, but it wasn't completely hideous. I beamed at my reflection.

  From the living room behind me, my brother retched obnoxiously. I rolled my eyes and scoffed, "What, are you jealous I went out tonight while you're stuck pying your stupid little games, dweeb?"

  Gabe flipped me off - he just loved to use that stupid gesture whenever Mom and Dad weren't looking - while still using his controller with the other hand. He bit back, "Yeah, well, you smell. A lot."

  "Huh?" I blinked at the non-sequitur. I absolutely did not smell. I always made sure of that. He was just doing that annoying thing where he tried to baselessly insult me.

  "Yup, it's like," He recoiled his head and crinkled his nose, "Tactical nose assault. Why do you wear so much of that perfume, or whatever?"

  "Well, I guess I'm sorry that my perfume doesn't suit the tastes of a twelve year old boy. I know Mike likes it."

  He mimicked throwing up, "Yech."

  Little brothers were the worst. I was done humouring him, though, so I ignored his childish disgust and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of hot cocoa to top the night off with.

  As I was stirring the powder into the hot milk, I looked up to see Gabe turned around on the couch, silently gring at me over it.

  "Bel..." he whines, "Can I have one too?"

  "Make your own." He always asked, and I always said the same thing. That kid needed to learn to stop being such a baby. God.

  "Your roots are showing."

  I dropped my spoon, spilling some of my drink on the counter. "What?!" I nearly screeched; if only my parents weren't asleep upstairs. Was he serious?! I rushed back to the mirror, tugging at my hair to see if there was any brown peeking out. There wasn't. Jerk.

  "Ugh! Where'd you even- like, learn to say that?"

  Gabe, still cackling at my panic, shrugged, "Ionno. Saw it on TV."

  "What. Ever." I stormed back to the kitchen to retrieve my mug and promptly retreated to my room, not even bothering to dignify his request to py a game with him with a 'no'. Let me reiterate: little brothers are the worst. Especially mine. Why'd I have to get cursed with such an annoying one?

  No worries, it was fine: my room was an escape from all of that. When I was there, nothing else existed, and I was free to rex. Well, after my nightly routine. I cleaned off my makeup, took a hot shower in my wonderfully private bathroom, applied my skin creams, and changed into some cozy PJs.

  Sipping from my hot cocoa while I read one of my secret trashy romance novels, I felt content. Today was great, and I thought tomorrow was gonna be better, and eventually I was gonna be beautiful, and famous, and maybe even married to Mike Burnell.

  When I was ready I fell asleep quickly, with my mind unbothered.

  ***

  Was that anything? I didn't think so, it was just a normal date night! I'd had plenty just like it! Did this happen because I was a little mean to my brother?

  Ew. Ew! Did he wish I was a guy just so I would py games with him, or something? That little twerp! I took a deep breath - even that felt wrong, somehow - and grounded myself. I didn't know that yet.

  I stared out the passenger side window at the familiar streets zily blurring past, as Mom drove me closer and closer to the terrifying prospect of going to css like... like this. I had to get out of this. I had to.

  Maybe I missed some clue, some hint for how I could return to my real body, earlier this morning?

  ***

  I woke up the next day, after already forgotten dreams, to find everything different.

  The first wrong thing I noticed, out of everything, was the bizarre stiffness between my legs. It poked uncomfortably upright in my pajama bottoms, squished tight against the mattress.

  Like, what the fuck? The next thing I noticed was that I was ying on my stomach, which would normally squish my boobs, yet I didn't feel them at all. I had to be dreaming. I must've been having a nightmare right now. With my breath stuck in my throat, I shakily reached my hand down into my pants - this wasn't what I was wearing before, but I hardly cared about that at the moment - and my heart stopped when my hand grasped a fleshy rod. I could feel my hand touching it. I tugged, and I knew it was attached to me.

  I screamed, but the scream was wrong, too.

  The world beyond my bnkets - not my bnkets - ceased to exist as I wrapped myself into a ball, quivering and sobbing in the safety of total darkness. What was happening?! What the fuck was going on?! Why, oh God, why was I suddenly fucking male?!

  My door flew open, and my mom's voice filled the room. It would've been almost comforting, a shining beacon of familiarity, if it weren't for the name she called me: "Danny? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

  A fresh wave of panic and despair ripped through me. She called me a boy's name. A boy's name. Was I in the fucking Twilight Zone?! What was going on?! Honestly, I was still thinking that hypothesis held merit!

  Slowly, like a tortoise from its shell, I peeked my head out of the bnkets, staring up at Mom with teary, red eyes.

  "Mom," I sniffled, "Mom, I- I don't-"

  She sat down on the bed next to me, pulling me into a hug. I leaned into her embrace while my body shook the st few droplets of tears from their ducts.

  "I'm sorry, honey," she murmured down at me, "I know things are hard for you right now."

  What? Did she know what happened to me? I gasped, "Did you- do this to me...?"

  She raised an eyebrow, "Do what, honey?"

  Apparently not. Or maybe she was even more sinister than I thought, and... no, I couldn't think like that. Not yet.

  "N- Nevermind..." I trailed off, distractedly thinking about how disgustingly deep my voice had become - rumbling in my chest, all heavy and dissonant. Guy voice, guy body, guy life... I wanted to scream again. All day. Forever, maybe? It depended how long this nightmare sted.

  Mom withdrew from the hug first. She patted me on the shoulder as she left, and said, "Get dressed, we need to leave in ten. I'm not having you skip another day, mister!"

  Then I was left alone, again. 'Mister'. Somehow, the most baffling part of what she said was the notion that I could get ready for school in ten minutes. It'd usually take me that long just to decide on my outfit! I guessed boys had it easier, since they didn't have to deal with trivial things like zits and basic hygiene. Ew. Ew, I didn't wanna be one!

  With all the shock - and steadily increasing nausea - I was surprised I hadn't gone catatonic yet. Apparently, my mind was resilient enough to handle this. So far. I had to figure out what was going on and how to reverse it - as soon as possible - or else my mind was literally going to break.

  My bedroom was unrecognizable. If it weren't for the arrangement of the doors and windows, I couldn't even tell it was the same room. The walls were beige and decorations spartan, as if its occupant cked any personality. In pce of my vanity was a computer desk, with several empty cans of soda ying on one side of it. On the floor y scattered articles of discarded clothing.

  I apparently swapped bodies, or realities, or something, with a fucking slob.

  Staring at the closed door to 'my' room, pinching myself on the arm until it stung so bad I had no choice but to release it, it dawned on me how much - or, horrifyingly, how little - of a nightmare this really was.

  ***

  Nothing jumped out at me there, either. By now, I had a handful of hypotheses for what happened. but no hard proof for any of them. I wanted to bang my head against a wall in frustration.

  Once again, I ran through the possibilities in my head. Maybe a rogue general AI had stolen a copy of my consciousness and shoved me into my own personal torture simution. Maybe I had pissed off some deity, and now I was suffering a divine punishment. Maybe... I was having a complete mental breakdown, and my entire life up to today was just some enormous figment of my imagination.

  ...I hated how that st option somehow seemed the most pusible.

  Still, it didn't make sense. I remembered my life, years and years of it, and every single one of those memories I spent as a girl! A brain couldn't simply make all that up! Could it?

  I sunk down into the car seat, shutting my eyes tight and grimacing. If I didn't open them, I didn't have to deal with anything. I could pretend I was me again. Unfortunately, it was right at that moment that Mom stopped in front of my school.

  "I know I made you go today, but are you sure you're alright?" she asked. I cracked one eye open to see her peering at me in concern.

  I shrugged. No. Well, I was sure that I wasn't. I doubted she would believe me if I told her, though, so... whatever. I steeled my nerves, gulped, and opened the car door. I would go to school today, rather than get checked into a mental hospital. That was whatever too. I could handle it. I could totally handle it.

  Fuck, I was literally gonna die.

  ***

  I scurried into Ms. Keebler's Lit 12 cssroom four minutes early for my first Monday css in the real world - as well as in this freaking bizarro world. Some things didn't change, apparently.

  One thing I couldn't help but notice on the way here, however, was how much I had grown. This body wasn't... enormous, but I was supposed to be petite, damn it! I had grown by at least half a foot, and my proportions were all way off kilter. I felt so clumsy that I'd fall over with one wrong move.

  Surveying the room for somewhere to sit, I spotted my best friend, Kimberleigh. I always sat next to her in this css, and the seat next to her was empty as usual. Eager for this beacon of familiarity, I rushed to sit next to her.

  Bad idea.

  As soon as I sat down, my unwelcomeness was obvious. Kim sneered at me, "What, did you forget your seat?"

  "Um..." I had no clue how to respond.

  She rolled her eyes, jabbing her thumb behind her. She was pointing to an empty seat in the very back of css. I gulped.

  "Well?" she scoffed, "Are you stupid, or something? Get lost."

  "What the fuck?" I blurted, "What's your problem?!"

  In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have said that. From my perspective, though, Kim was acting totally out of character. We were besties since, like, 9th grade. Ever since I started being popur! She was always fun, and upbeat, and welcoming! Not... this.

  Her jaw dropped. "Ex-cuse me?" she asked, blinking with obvious fury.

  I could feel my skin burning under her gaze, as if every minute detail of this disgusting body was on dispy, even though most of it was hidden under baggy clothes. The feeling was so intensely disturbing that - combined with her increasing hostility - I had to flee.

  "Sorry, um, I don't, uh, know what I was..." I trailed off as I retreated to the seat she had so rudely pointed at. There were eyes on me. Too many eyes, too many people seeing what I was. I hid my head in my arms, folded on the desk. A handful of tears wet my sleeves.

  Someone sat down next to me. "Hey, D."

  That voice sounded oddly familiar. I shyly peeked up from my arm-sanctuary to see who it was. Oh, God. It was Geeky Zeke Reynolds. That annoying asshole?

  "What do you want?" I groaned. Seeing how this nightmare had gone so far, he was probably here to mock me. I swear, I couldn't take much more of this... this...

  Zeke winced, "Sorry, bad morning?"

  "Huh?"

  "I get it." He gently patted me on the shoulder, "We can, uh, talk ter, yeah?"

  I was too stunned to think of anything to say in response before css started in earnest. This really was freaking opposite world. Kim was a bitch, Zeke was nice, and I was a disgusting loser!

  Mike's face suddenly appeared in my mind. I shivered in horror; what would he think of me now? I couldn't be his girlfriend like this. Just the thought made me wanna puke. Was he dating someone else here? He'd better not be!

  The next hour droned on. We were reading something in css, but I couldn't focus on any of the words. I re-read the same sentence twelve times without processing it before I gave up entirely. Getting work done was not something I could do today. It was hard enough work just existing.

  I shut my eyes tightly, hoping desperately to wake up. Please, please, please. I want to be me again. Please!

  Nothing happened.

  The bell signalling the end of css filled me with simultaneous relief and dread. One down, but three to go. Not to mention lunch.

  Standing up next to Zeke, I noticed two things. One, I was taller than him. I hadn't been taller than him since we were twelve. While I knew this body had - significantly - more height than my real one, this was the first thing that really, concretely put it into perspective. I was taller than Geeky Zeke. He wasn't some basketball pyer, but he'd been taller than me for all of high school! It was almost dizzying.

  Two, I had to pee.

  Uh-oh.

  ***

  The entrance to the boy's washroom loomed in front of me like a portal to hell, ready to spew out demons at any moment. I had to go in there; I couldn't well go into the girls looking like this, now could I? They'd ugh me out. I wasn't ready to take any more humiliation today.

  I gulped. A guy - one of the jocks - brushed past me to enter. I had to share that space with him. And other guys. Like I was one of them.

  I wanted to hide. I wanted to run away. I wanted to avoid this forever. I really, really had to go.

  It was either go there or in these jeans, and that would just make my bathroom problem a billion times worse. Yup. Okay. I dashed through the entrance and around the corner with my eyes glued to the vinyl-tiled floor and my backpack straps in a death grip.

  The inside looked - and smelled - a lot like the girl's washroom, except in all the ways it was different. Three urinals repced two of the toilets, and in front of those urinals were a pair of boys vaping. No way in a million years was I using one of those things, so I swiftly hid in one of the vacant stalls.

  This was so... so... nauseating! This was just some normal, gross task I did several times every day without thinking, but twisted into a horrifying experience that made me want to melt into a puddle, or at least throw up! Well, good thing I was on a toilet...

  I just had to deal with this the same way I got dressed this morning: close my eyes, and try to think about anything but what dangled between my legs. Pants down, and go.

  Distracting myself from the alien configuration of my peeing-parts proved harder than hoped, and as difficult as expected.

  Maybe this was some kind of Freaky Friday situation, and I'd go back to my real life tomorrow. God, I'd never say another bad thing about guys, just let me be me again!

  ***

  The day continued.

  Calculus was as boring and unremarkable as ever, and I was now almost halfway through my torture. The worst part of the day, though, was just ahead: Lunch. This school had nine hundred students, and I had to be packed here with the rest of them like sardines for fifty minutes.

  Since waking up in this body, I quickly gained a fear of being looked at - of being observed. Of people scrutinizing me and judging me and identifying me as 'boy'. Now, trapped with everyone else in prime socialization time, I had to face it head-on.

  Right before I reached the cafeteria, someone grabbed me on the shoulder - enough to make me yelp in pain. "Yo, Danny. I gotta talk to you."

  Oh no, nononono! My eyes widened to an almost comical level as my body instinctively whipped around to face him, vioting my brain's orders to stop.

  Staring back at me was my boyfriend - well, maybe not anymore - Mike... and he didn't look happy.

  I couldn't do anything more than look up at him in terror - and thankfully that was up, even if only by a few inches. If I were taller than him, I'd die from sheer mortification.

  "Bro, are you really just gonna stand there like an idiot?" he ughed, then imitated a fish gulping for air. To mock me.

  Why was he being so mean? He was so sweet to me just st night, but now everything was fucked up. What had I done to deserve this? What horrible crime had I committed? I couldn't bear the sight of him, of how much he must hate me now.

  "Chin up, Faggy," he flicked at my chin, forcing me to look at him, "I just got a question, yeah?"

  My brain was shutting off at this point. I couldn't handle the abuse from a guy I had kissed not even twenty-four hours ago. It was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, I couldn't process it.

  He rolled his eyes, "Look, man, why were you creeping on my girl? Trying to fucking grope her? Hands off, dude."

  Oh, God, he really did have another girlfriend here. Then I realized what he said. Huh? Did this body belong to some fucking pervert?! What had it done?! Eww! These thoughts were expressed as: "K- B- Whuh?!"

  He shoved my shoulder, pushing me back against a wall. I winced in pain, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "Don't py dumb. Kim told me what you did this morning."

  What the fuck? Something in me snapped, "Well maybe this Kim is a lying fucking bitch, did you ever, like, consider that, huh?"

  It was a terrible thing to say, and I knew it when I said it, but I was filled with so much anger at my situation that I had to let it out in some way. Almost everyone in this world was acting completely out of character, and it was driving me up the fucking wall.

  Mike was pissed. "The fuck you say to me, you little shit?"

  I stood frozen, gazing bnkly at him like a deer in the headlights. I was going to get beaten up by my boyfriend. Well, as if I could call this version of him that. No, he was apparently my tormentor now. Why me?

  He smmed me against the wall, towering over me. I whimpered. He growled, "Come on, man, it's a simple question. I just wanna know."

  Too much. It was too much. I had been through far too much torment today; I couldn't take anymore. I crumpled to the floor, sobbing relentlessly as I curled into a ball.

  "What are you, a fucking baby? You're so gay, dude. Ugh." said Mike. He continued talking, alongside other voices, but all their words melted into an incoherent cmour as I retreated inwards.

  My tear-soaked hair tangled around my face as I considered how it wasn't my hair and it wasn't my face. I wanted out of this body. I needed to get out. I couldn't live through another fucking minute of it.

  Let me out. Let me out! Let me out! Please! Let me out!

  This was hell. I was dead and I was in hell and this was my eternal torment. Not even a day in and I was already broken. Good work, demons! You really got me with this one! My sobbing grew louder.

  Eventually, though I hardly noticed it, I was carried away.

  ***

  I re-read the informational poster about epipens on the far wall of my room in the back of the nurse's office for the fifth time in a row. It helped to distract me from the... everything. The tears were gone, by now, but the anguish was still there. The nurse called my mom, and she would be here any minute.

  What could I even say to her to expin this? "Sorry that I had a mental breakdown, I'm actually supposed to be a girl, not a boy, and my boyfriend just called me a fag."

  Not like she'd understand. I could hardly believe it myself.

  Before the nurse left me to rest, I had asked for the lights to be dimmed. I told her I had a headache, but I really just didn't want to see anything. Napping was impossible in this state, so reading poorly-lit wall posters was about the best I could do to entertain myself.

  A knock rang out from the door. "Hi, Mom," I weakly called out.

  It creaked open. "No, uh, it's me," said Zeke.

  What was he doing here? "What are you doing here?" I asked, leaning up from my cot. Okay, maybe that wasn't very polite. Forgive me, I was having a bad day.

  He looked taken aback, "Sorry, um- Is this a bad time...?"

  I sighed, "I don't know. I really... d- don't know what's even going on anymore. I feel like I'm going insane."

  He shut the door behind him and scratched at his cheek with one finger, "That really sucks. I can't imagine how hard it is to be in the closet like that."

  In the closet...? Was I - this person whose life I was currently stuck living - actually gay? I wasn't homophobic or anything, but that made me really uncomfortable. On top of all the other things that made me uncomfortable, anyway. "Oh. Uh, yeah..."

  He sat down beside me, pulling me into a hug. Part of me hoped they were gay lovers or something, because I really needed some affection right now. I leaned into the hug, sniffling quietly.

  "I believe in you, you know, and I'll be there whenever you decide to come out. You're really strong, Lily."

  ...What?

  Lily?