Level One

  Cooper had never been a big fan of funerals. Usually when he got invited to one he’d either deliberately lose the invitation or make up some excuse for why he couldn’t go. One time, just after the death of his grandfather, Cooper had deliberately gotten himself thrown in jail over a long weekend so no one could ask why he didn’t show up to the old man’s wake. It wasn’t just that Cooper’s family was a bunch of pricks. (Though they definitely were). It was also that he never knew what to do with himself at a funeral. It didn’t matter what you said. It didn’t matter how you acted. They were always a drag regardless.

  On the other hand, he couldn’t just do nothing. Sure, he had only known Geek for a few days, and sure, he was just a jelly-person and not a real blood-person, but that didn’t make him nobody. In the end, Cooper settled for gathering up Geek’s things - his helmet, his shield, his spear - and piling them together in one corner of the Bunkhouse. In a real funeral there would have been speeches, but Cooper skipped that part because there was nothing to say. Instead, he just stared at the little shrine he had built in silence for a moment, then got back to work.

  His first order of business was to make his way back to the room with the massive wooden double doors. He left Geek 2 behind for this part, traveling under cover of ‘night’ to lessen the chance of running into any Kayins. Finding the entrance to the Bullpen again was easy enough. The charcoal marks he had quietly left on the walls while following the Kayin precession had done their job just fine. Cooper kept a careful eye on the lights around him during the trip over, and they never dimmed even a little bit, but once he arrived in the little room he still waited in the front of the doors for several minutes with the naked chick ring on, just to make absolutely sure there was no one watching. Only when he was completely confident he was alone did he actually approach the doors.

  As expected, none of the three L-shaped keys Cooper had stolen from the Bible Campers came anywhere near fitting in the lock: they were way too small. So Cooper moved on to plan B, pulling out his Swiss Army Knife. The knife had a long, thin, pin-shapped attachement on it that was probably meant to be a jewelry screwdriver, or a fishhook remover, or maybe just an extremely fancy toothpick. It was probably a little too small for picking locks, and Cooper had never been a particularly talented lockpick to begin with - even with his good hand - but he decided to give it a shot anyway, hoping that he might have some luck finally, for a change, just the once. But that didn’t happen of course. The screwdriver-thing snapped almost instantly as soon as Cooper stuck it in the lock. There were other attachments on the Swiss Army Knife that he could also have tried, but Cooper decided to get out there before they snapped, or his legs snapped, or he somehow got hit by a bus, or struck by lightning.

  Returning to the Bunkhouse, Cooper finally did something he’d been avoiding - pulling Geek 2 aside to have a long talk. Obviously, it isn’t easy avoiding someone when the two of you share a single windowless room, especially when one of you is in the middle of arranging a funeral for some other guy, so the mood in the Bunkhouse had been incredibly awkward for the last day. Of course, Geek 2 had showed absolutely no sign whatsoever of having noticed that awkwardness, but Cooper had definitely noticed.

  “Let me start by saying I’m sorry,” Cooper began. (Not because he was actually sorry, but because he had been married once, and that was how married men always start important conversations.) “I’m not mad at you or anything. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

  Geek 2 stared at Cooper at him expectantly, making no reaction whatsoever. For once, Cooper was glad for that.

  “So the thing you need to know,” Cooper continued, “is that I’m leaving. found the exit. I mean I’m not 100% sure, but I’m pretty sure. There’s a locked door between me and it, and also a huge fucking cow-monster, but whatever The point is I’m leaving. Maybe not today, but soon. AndI don’t think I can take you with me, so we need to talk about what happens to you once I’m gone.”

  To Cooper’s massive relief, Geek 2 took the news well. He listened patiently to the entire plan as Cooper laid it out. By the end, Cooper even noticed that the expression on Geek 2’s face had actually softened somewhat. Maybe that was complete bullshit, but Cooper decided to believe it anyway.

  After that matter was settled, Cooper and Geek 2 went to the Carrot Room to pick some vegetables. Then to the trout ponds to catch a couple fish. By that time the whole of the maze around the Bunkhouse had been pretty much mapped out entirely, so Cooper was able to make the whole trip without ever stepping on a tile that hadn’t been marked. Once the fish was cleaned and the freak-carrots were chopped, Cooper took all of it to the Other Bakery, where he dropped them into the witch’s cauldron for an hour or so. Once the stew was finished, he carefully poured it from the cauldron back into the pitcher. It appeared to be a little thicker than last time, which was great. His first attempt had been a little runny.

  Cooper did not remember the precise location of the secret door into the Bible Camper base - mainly on account of having left in a hurry last time - but he had it narrowed down to one of two different hallways. Also, he had Geek 2 with him, so if there was some kind of secret latch or button or handle on the outside of the door, hopefully Geek 2 should be able to spot it. Cooper tried explaining this plan to Geek 2, and the soldier had just stared at him the whole time like it was craziest shit he’s ever heard in his life, so eventually Cooper just gave up and started banging on the wall with the snake stick as loudly and annoyingly as he could.

  “Hey!” he shouted.

  “Hey!” he shouted again.

  He banged on the wall some more, continuing to shout at the top of his lungs until finally, several minutes later, a female voice behind him demanded…

  “What are you doing?”

  Cooper turned to find that once again the little blue bird perched on a crack in the wall just behind him, staring blankly.

  “I come in peace,” he said, holding up the pitcher.

  “What is that?” the bird demanded.

  “Soup. Thought you guys might be hungry.”

  “What do you want in return?” the bird demanded.

  “Nothing. I also have some honeycomb out here which I can give you in exchange for answering a few questions, but the soups on me.”

  “So the soup is completely free?” the bird asked.

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  “Yeah.”

  There was a pause. “Is it poisoned?”

  “Of course it’s not poisoned,” Cooper shot back. “Where would I even find poison?”

  “There’s poison in here,” the little bird retorted. “There’s poison everywhere.”

  “No, it’s not poisoned,” Cooper said. “Here, watch.”

  He lifted the pitcher to his lips, taking a sip. “See?”

  The bird fell silent again. “Thank you for the offer,” it finally said, “but we cannot accept that. Not unless you’re prepared to return the staff.”

  “Alright fine,” Cooper said, annoyed. “Go ahead and starve for all I care.”

  “It’s not that we don’t want it. It’s just that how can we possibly accept gifts from you after what you did?”

  “What I did?!”

  “You do realize that Hbiru hasn’t been able to walk for days?” the bird said passionately. “Every time he tries to stand up he gets dizzy.”

  Cooper had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. “The what now?”

  “Hbiru. The boy you hit over the head.”

  “Oh, you mean Four Eyes.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind. Yeah, sorry about that. I probably hit him harder than I needed to.”

  “If you just gave us the staff back we could fix him.”

  “Like I said earlier, I still have some projects coming up. I’ll give you the staff back when I’m good and ready. But if the kid’s doing that bad, why not just bring him out here and I’ll heal him myself?”

  Once again, the little bird fell silent for a long moment.

  “I mean if that’s the only reason you need it…” Cooper continued.

  “It’s definitely not the only reason.” the bird snapped.

  “Fine. And like I said, I will give it back to you once I’m ready. But in the meantime, if you want me to heal your friend, just bring him out here. I’m offering soup, plus a little bit of honeycomb, and all I ask in return is some information. Plus one pair of pants.”

  The little bird considered silently for a moment before replying.

  “What are pants?”

  * * *

  The meeting was set for later that night, a couple hours after “dark”. Cooper had tried to be more specific than that, but apparently Bird Girl had no idea what an hour was, so eventually he had to tell her to just come whenever she was ready. According to Bird Girl, the other Blue Teamers usually went out to look for food at night, so that was the perfect time for her to sneak out without being seen. Cooper also figured it was the perfect time for the Bible Campers to try and lay a little trap for him, but they would burn that bridge when they came to it.

  Cooper took Geek 2 with him that night, depositing him in the Lounge room nearest to the Bible Camper base, telling him to hide behind the wall until Cooper returned. He then put on the naked chick ring and hoofed it over to the Base entrance to wait. To Bird Girl’s credit, things happened exactly as she said they would. A few minutes after “dark” half of the Bible Campers crept out of the base with cloth bags over their shoulders, presumably going out to look for food. It was maybe fifteen minutes after that Bird Girl and Four Eyes stumbled out of the secret door as well.

  As expected, Four Eyes was not looking good. His eyes were unfocused, and while he was trying to walk, Bird Girl was basically having to carry him. Cooper watched them stagger painfully through a few hallways before finally saying “alright stop”.

  Bird Girl jumped as Cooper suddenly appeared right behind her, but didn’t protest when he took Four Eyes by his other arm.

  “The room’s right here,” Cooper said, pulling them around the last corner into the Lounge. “Let’s just put him on the floor and get this over with.”

  Cooper heard a sharp intake of breath. He looked up to see Bird Girl eyeing at Geek 2.

  “Don’t mind him,” Cooper said. “He’s with me.”

  Bird Girl sniffed, turning to Cooper. “Where’s the food?” she demanded.

  Cooper gave Geek 2 a nod. That was supposed to be the signal for Geek 2 to present Bird Girl with the fish soup and the honeycomb and all the other food they had gathered in advance of this meeting, but apparently Geek 2 completely forgot everything they had talked about beforehand, so Cooper had to tell him exactly what to do.

  “Did you bring the clothes?” Cooper asked once Bird Girl had her food.

  Bird Girl pulled the bag off her shoulder , handing it to Cooper. Inside were Cooper’s Levi 501s and his undershirt. Both were incredibly clean and freshly pressed. They even smelled nice. This was particularly impressive for the shirt, which Cooper distinctly recalled had been covered with blood the last time he’d worn it.

  “What about the other things?” Bird Girl asked, her mouth full of soup. Cooper took the other bag from Geek 2, the one full of glass bottles and the ball of yarn.

  “I think that’s everything you asked for.” Cooper said as Bird Girl fished through the bag.

  A few tense seconds passed before Bird Girl nodded her head curtly.

  “Okay. It’s all there.”

  “Wait a second. What about the hundred dollars?” Cooper demanded.

  “The what?”

  “The piece of paper. Remember those little pieces of paper with Benjamin Franklin’s face on them? I told you there was one missing.“

  “Right,” Bird Girl said. “I couldn’t find it.”

  “How hard did you look?” Cooper demanded.

  “Can we please get on with this?” Four Eyes asked from the floor.

  “Fine,” Cooper said, raising the snake stick. As expected, the circle over the kid’s head was fairly low, maybe 80%, with some sickly yellow mixed in with the green. Cooper still wasn’t quite sure what all the colors meant, yet, but he gave the kid a massive honk of energy from the stick just to be safe.

  There was a soft thump as Four Eyes’ head hit the tile, his whole body going limp. Cooper kept blasting the kid until his circle reached 100%.

  “Okay, that should do it,” he finally said.

  “Are you sure?” Bird Girl asked.

  “No I’m not sure,” Cooper snapped. “I’m making this shit up as I go along just like you are. But if he’s not better when he wakes up then we’ll just try again. Now are you going to answer my questions our aren’t you?”

  “Alright,” Bird Girl said. “What do you want to know?”

  * * * * *

  Name: Cooper of Vancouver

  Gender: Male

  Affiliation: None

  Age at Entry: 29

  Current Level: The Labyrinth (1)

  Jing: 10/10

  Qi: 14/14

  Shen: 0

  Status: Cursed (3)