Level One

  The first thing the guards outside Cockface’s quarters heard was the screaming. Then, a moment later, something invisible brushed past them, and the sound of running feet could be heard tearing off through the rest of the base. A moment after that, Cockface himself burst through the door, shouting at the top of his lungs, his face, chest and with some sort of red powder. He immediately ordered the guards to go after the interloper, but by then it was already too late.

  For the next two days the maze was absolutely crawling with Kayins. Cooper never actually saw any of them - he was laying low in the Bunkhouse - but he saw the lights in his room flicker at least six or seven times, so he was pretty sure that Kayin patrols must be passing somewhere close by. It was only on the third day that things finally started returning to normal.

  It wasn’t like Cooper wasted those two days. He used that time to make preparations. For one thing, he had tons and tons of grapes and honey and freak-carrots he needed to do something with. Plus there was all the random bullshit he had stolen from the Bible Campers, only about half of which he had figured out what it was good for.

  Cooper did have a little extra room in his duffel bag, but he was hoping to travel light. Also, he was feeling a little bad about lying to Bird Girl and running off with her snake stick. More importantly, though, he was hoping to find a good home for Geek 2. Cooper had decided that trying to take Geek 2 with him through the archway wasn’t going to work. Most likely that would just get him killed by the Cowfucker - “Cowfucker” was the name he had given to the monster guarding the archway. So instead he was planning to leave Geek 2 on Blue Team’s door step like a lost puppy. And since Geek 2 would be carrying a burlap sack full of food, Cooper had every hope the Blue Teamers would take him in.

  The most important thing Cooper was doing, however, was preparing for his showdown with the Cowfucker. He had a plan. It wasn’t great, but he had one. It was going to be nasty as fuck. Probably get a few people killed. But he was 100% sure he was going through.

  * * *

  The Kayins had set a trap for Cooper at the door to the Bullpen. Not a very good one though. Cooper noticed it almost instantly. As he approached the door, he saw a circle of darkness cutting across his path, and he realized there were naked chick rings in the vicinity. It was pretty easy to tell what was going on. There were one or two invisible Kayins standing in front of the door, waiting for Cooper to approach.

  Cooper had anticipated that they might try something like this, and he actually had a plan ready for it. He returned to the Bunkhouse, collecting the porcelain water pitcher he had previously used for fish soup.

  While collecting honey earlier, Cooper had noticed something about the honeybees. They had green circles over their heads, just like everything else. And when Cooper attempted to heal them, they fell motionless to the floor. So by knocking out a bunch of bees, collecting them in the pitcher and wrapping a piece of cloth over the top, Cooper had created what was basically a bee grenade. Even now, Cooper was holding the pitcher in his hands, listening to the droning of the bees inside. They sounded super angry.

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  Was he sure it was going to work? Hell no he wasn’t. But Cooper decided it was worth a try. He thought the element of surprise was important, so as he crept up on the Bullpen door, he did something that was the opposite of his instinct: he took off his naked chick ring. Immediately once he did that, the 100-foot shadow around him disappeared. That way he could get close to the bullpen door without giving himself away.

  At the last turn before the bullpen door, Cooper put his back against the wall. He quickly slipped the cover off the pitcher. Then turned the corner and hurled it toward the door. A moment later, he heard a satisfying crash. Then a droning sound, and some shouting in a nonsense language. Cooper slid his own naked chick ring on just as two pairs of invisible feet ran past.

  He got stung a couple times while he was unlocking the door. He tried not to worry about it. After all, he had the snake stick to heal himself with. But he was still in a bit of a hurry to get into the Bullpen, and that was part of the problem. Once the door was open, the archway was dead ahead, with no sign of the Cowfucker, so like a moron, he stupidly stepped inside.

  As soon as he did that, he heard an earth shattering roar. If he’s turned to find the Cowfucker looking at him, he wouldn’t have been that surprised. The problem was that he turned to find himself staring at Geek 1. Not only is he alive, Geek 1 is in perfect condition. He and the Cowfucker are standing in the corner like two guys shooting the shit and Cooper interrupted. The sight of Geek 1 caused Cooper to freeze, just for a second, and then the Cowfucker charged him.

  He probably should have just run back out the door. Like that was clearly the right move in that circumstance. But there were still a bunch of bees outside, and the archway was right there, so instead, Cooper decided to go ahead with his plan, like an idiot. First he reached into the leather pouch and took out the 3 remaining teeth, throwing them at the ground. Immediately, three more spear-carrying Geeks appeared at his feet. The problem was the Cowfucker already had a head of steam going, so he just knocked the new Geeks aside. Maybe if they had actually tried to fight him they could have bought Cooper a little more time. But they didn’t. As it was, Cooper got to within 5 feet of the stone archway before the ground shuddered next to his feet and a steel vise closed over his left shoulder.

  A moment later, Cooper’s head bounced off the floor. Then the ceiling. Then the floor again a few more times. Enough that Cooper lost count. He still had the cumberbund tied loosely around his waist, and the knife tucked into his pants, but somehow he forgot about his plan to turn and fight the Cowfucker, probably on account of all the head trauma.

  The last thing Cooper remembered he was staring up the Cowfucker’s junk from the floor, one massive naked foot raised over his head. Cooper had just enough time to realize the creature had feet instead of hooves before that foot crushed his skull.

  * * * * *

  Name: Cooper of Vancouver

  Gender: Male

  Affiliation: None

  Age at Entry: 29

  Current Level: The Labyrinth (1)

  Jing: 0/10

  Qi: 10/14

  Shen: 0

  Status: Deceased