Horse 2.0

  Present Day

  This time—this time I really mean it! I’ll never love another! I’ll never get close to another soul for as long as I live.

  Oh, Charamanda. My beloved. What cruel sorrow that my horn should have parted us. That with such a single, devastating thrust, I should be stripped of my heart’s desire, and the only warmth I have ever known.

  My only consolation is that I feel almost certain that her character, given her great beauty combined with her complex back story that hinted obviously at a quest of some kind, she has to be plot relevant. I am sure that somewhere, far out of my reach, she’s already respawned and is wandering once more, seeking the one who will kill the evil prince, and allow her to return to her homeland, where the cramboweye fruits grow.

  Only now, she wanders without me…

  I curse this horn! And I curse the day I was reborn into Tetra Chronicles. This land holds nothing but misery for me. I shall go now. I shall go with my horn deep into the wilderness, and die.

  But first, I’ll just have a little snacky poos…

  Munch, munch. Grass in the morning is so delicious. When it’s still cool, with the dew fresh upon the verdant blades… So good… Munch, munch…

  Thus preoccupied, I pass a few hours in blissful oblivion. Then, out of nowhere, dark wings.

  A creature straight out of a nightmare swoops down at me.

  D-d-dragon?!

  Before I can react, I’m caught in its claws.

  [-60 HP]

  Aye yai yai! It got me!

  Beating its wings, it swoops upwards into the sky, carrying me with it. A great, fiery lizard of prey, and it looks like I’m to be its next victim.

  Oi! I know I said I wanted to die, but I didn’t want to go like this!

  I struggle in vain in its great claws. I wriggle and writhe painfully as they dig into my flesh.

  [-12 HP]

  Let go of me! I flail my neck in an effort to stab it with my horn. After a few unsuccessful attempts, somehow I get my neck twisted around just so, and I’m able to jab my horn into the beast’s leg.

  With a grunt of pain, it releases me reflexively. Suddenly, I’m falling.

  Wait! I didn’t think this through! I don’t want to die falling, either! Catch me! Catch me, you stupid dragon!

  Too late. This is the end for me. Goodbye, cruel Tetra Chronicles. Goodbye…

  SPLAT!

  [-479 HP]

  What is this? I’m not dead? It appears I’ve fallen atop something soft and suspiciously squishy. Has my -2 luck finally come in handy for a change, and spared my life by allowing me to splat down atop some poor helpless wanderer?

  “Rev!”

  Someone is screaming.

  “Never mind that,” comes a voice from—beneath me?! Wait, this guy’s still alive?

  “Get this thing off of me!” he grunts.

  Someone is pushing at my rump.

  Ow! Easy, that’s tender!

  Somehow, I clamber to my feet and trot a few feet away to stare at the poor creatures that broke my fall. One, a horse, very dead. The other, a man, heavily armored like a knight, with blue eyes, a neat looking beard and a brown ponytail.

  “What the hell was that?” he demands, looking a bit dented after our encounter, but miraculously still in one piece. “It—it killed Horse!”

  “I think it’s a cow?”

  A cow?! What a rude fellow! Or is that a girl?

  Before I can get a good look at her, the roar of the beast overhead chills the blood in all our veins.

  Oh, no. I almost forgot about the dragon.

  With a pang of regret I realize I’ve brought death once more upon the innocent. These poor travelers, they won’t survive a run-in with that overgrown lizard.

  But, something is strange. Rather than running in fear or falling beneath its blows, these two stand and fight. And what a fight! The knight is so brave. While his partner transforms into a dinosaur, he taunts the overgrown lizard, even allowing himself to be scooped up in the beast’s terrible jaws and munched. But something’s funny. As the dragon tries to chew him up, I keep hearing the strangest sound, like the knight is ripping off some fresh ones. I nod sympathetically. Gas can be a real problem, even when you’re not a horse.

  In spite of the farts and the green gas cloud aura now surrounding the knight, I stand there, watching their battle, starry eyed.

  They’re incredible. Even the girl-turned-dino, she’s sacrificing her body to save her boyfriend. Whoa. Is it because I’m a horse? Why does the sight of two lizards getting it on got my mating instincts kinda…

  I shake my head fiercely. This is no time for foolishness! Those two need my help!

  While the fighter is occupied with the business end of the dragon, and the girl is occupying the other business end, I aim my horn just so and charge, ramming it into the tenderest part of the beast, taking down the last of its health.

  It dies screaming in agony.

  Eew! Disgusting! Now my horn smells like dragon butt!

  [You have reached character level 12]

  This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  Level up, very cool! More importantly, it looks like that nice couple survived the battle.

  I’m astounded. Especially by the man in the full plate armor who’s trying to wake up his girlfriend. He broke my fall, and then went toe to toe with the dragon, and he still survived. Just how lucky is this guy?

  At the thought, my heart thuds deep in my horse breast.

  Is it possible—could he be…the one?

  I must make myself presentable! First, clean the poop off of my horn!

  Fortunately, there’s a stream nearby. I dunk it a few times and swipe it on the grass to polish it, then quickly roll in some wildflowers to add a bit of perfume to hopefully cover the lingering funk of dragon ass.

  Much better. Now, to introduce myself.

  I approach the pair tentatively, limping after being carried and then dropped so brutally. My health is next to zero, but it’s too soon to lie down and die. This man, this man with the incredible luck. He’s the only one that can save me!

  “I thought he was a cow at first, cuz he’s so fat…” says the one with the long pistachio green hair, and on a double take I realize she’s a man.

  Anyway, what’s this jerk saying? Fat? Rude! I’m not fat! It’s true my knees have started hurting again after being spoiled by Charamanda, but—

  “That’s no cow.”

  “Yeah,” says the rude man, eyes gleaming with wonder. “He’s a u-uni-uni-unicor—”

  I hold my head up proudly to show off my best feature.

  “A horse with a horn.”

  Snort!

  Lies! I am a unicorn!

  [You are a horse with a horn.]

  Shut up!

  Insulted, weary, I ignore the system and come closer to the armored man.

  I shouldn’t hope too much. If I get my hopes up, I’ll only be disappointed. Maybe this guy has no need of a mount. Maybe—

  Just then, he holds out a vial to me. Could that be, a health potion?

  Biting out the cork and spitting it away, I grasp the vial between my teeth and chug it down.

  Yes, my health is regenerating!

  I drop the vial, and my heart soars when the man offers me a second. I go to take it with my lips, then I stumble, and with horror I realize I’m about to stab him through the chest with my horn!

  No! Just like Charamanda—he’ll be killed!

  Smash!

  [Skill activated: Virgin Killer]

  Oh, no! So much damage! The poor guy! And he was a virgin too, gone from this world too soon! Oh, what have I done?!

  “What the hell, bro?!”

  Wait, what? He—he didn’t die?

  My jaw drops and I stare at him in disbelief. Just who—or what—is this guy?

  [You have encountered a human player.]

  A human? As in, a real honest to God human from planet earth? But, does that mean the beta testing ended?

  [Yes. You were migrated to the new world occupied by human players.]

  Why didn’t you tell me?!

  [You never asked.]

  Then, can human players die?

  [Yes, but if you are bonded to one, then you won’t be separated from them. Even if the character dies, they will respawn.]

  “Rev, did you read this? It’s a mount, but it’s got stats just like a player! And three times your intelligence!”

  The girly boy’s voice snaps me back to the present, and I look earnestly to the knight.

  “Well? Aren’t you gonna claim him?”

  I hold my breath while the knight considers this. Then my heart thrills to hear his answer.

  “Alright,” he says, reaching out a tentative hand to pat the side of my neck. “You can be Horse 2.0.”

  [New Owner acquired. Your name has been changed to: Horse 2.0.]

  Wait, seriously, dude?

  That’s—the worst name ever!!

  Austen

  Resuming our ride to Highwall, Sherbie is once more busy on the forums bragging about his rare mount, Harrietta Stumpwalker. Meanwhile, I check out my new, seemingly ordinary mount, the horse with a horn. But the more I look into his character screen, the deeper the lore seems to go.

  Almost as soon as I claimed ownership of him, I got a system notification.

  [You have acquired a level 12 mount. Unallocated stat points: 2]

  I don’t really get it, but it seems as though this horse gets levels just like a player? Burning with curiosity, I open his character screen.

  [Character name: Horse 2.0

  Level: 12

  Race: Horse

  Class: Horse

  Subclass: Hero’s Mount

  HP: 610

  Constitution: 29

  Strength: 26

  Agility: 20

  Intelligence: 6

  Luck: -2

  Skills: Beast of Burden (2), Death by Plowing, Dressage (3), Jinx, Jump (3), Skilled Mount (6), Swim (1), Terror of the Innocent, Victor, Virgin Killer

  Mutation Points available: 4

  Current Mutations: Unicorn Horn

  Unallocated stat points: 2]

  More and more questions. Leaving aside the highly dubious sounding skills of Death by Plowing and Virgin Killer, what is this about Mutation Points?

  I look into the mutations menu, curious to see what’s available.

  [Currently Available Mutation Options:

  Bone Plating (10 points)

  Centaur Form (42 points)

  Dragon Scales (22 points)

  Elemental Wings (30 points)

  Enhanced Smell (1 point)

  Feathered Wings (16 points)

  Hands (10 points)

  Leathery Wings (20 points)

  Lesser Elemental Damage (2 points)

  Lesser Elemental Resistance (2 points)

  Phoenix Breath (50 points)

  Recoloring (1 point)

  Rocket Booster (9 points)

  Sharp Hooves (1 point)

  Silken Mane (1 point)

  Speech (16 points)

  Spiky Hooves (2 points)

  Spines (5 points)

  Turtle Shell Armor (14 points)

  Mutation Points available: 4]

  Some of these seem useful, while others are purely cosmetic. If it’s my horse, I don’t care too much about his looks. It would be more useful to me if I could turn him into a tank. For now, let’s check out these armor mutations.

  [Bone Plating

  +500 Armor

  Does not stack with Dragon Scales or Turtle Shell Armor, barding can still be equipped.]

  [Dragon Scales

  +700 Armor

  +20% All Elemental Resistances

  Does not stack with Bone Plating or Turtle Shell Armor, barding can still be equipped.]

  [Turtle Shell Armor

  +1000 Armor

  -20% Speed

  Does not stack with Bone Plating or Dragon Scales, barding can still be equipped.]

  Dragon Scales is the most expensive, but I think it would be worth it to save the mutation points and unlock it in the end. In the meantime, I should be sure to buy barding in Highwall to keep my mount alive long enough to get the mutation.

  For now, I minimize the mutations menu, and go back to the character sheet, putting the two unspent points into Agility for a total of 22.

  This is nice, I think as I feel my mount begin to speed up under me with the extra points. With Horse, the level ups were controlled by the system, but with Horse 2.0, now I’m the one controlling his growth. That’s an upgrade I can get behind.

  But this really is a strange mount. To think he’d come built in with all these customizable features, almost like a human character, but in mount form.

  Still curious about him, I poke around the system mount menu a little more, wanting to explore every facet of this new ride.

  But what’s this option I’ve just uncovered?

  [Would you like to open telepathic communications with Mount: Horse 2.0?]

  Wait, I can speak to my mount? Like, with my mind? That’s wild! I’d have to be some kind of animal loving lunatic to enable such a feature. And yet… Curiosity nags…

  [Would you like to open telepathic communications with Mount: Horse 2.0?]

  [Yes or No]

  I must be crazy, I think as I select the former, and wait a minute. Silence. Tentatively, I try reaching out with my thoughts.

  Hello?

  Hello?!

  A man’s voice, for some reason he sounds like a greasy truck driver. It feels a little weird to have his words channeled directly into my brain.

  Who is this? Can you hear me?!

  I can hear you. I’m your owner. My name is Revelator.

  You can hear me? You can understand me?

  Yeah. I opened a telepathic link, so—

  My horse gives a leap for joy without throwing off his gait, and for a moment, it feels like we’re flying.

  Oh, I’m so happy! I’ve never been so happy! This is the best day of my life, I can’t believe you can actually hear me! God, I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to talk to. I’ve been so lonely, you have no idea. And I’ve been through so much. You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve seen, man, even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. But now you’re here, and everything’s gonna be great now, I just know it! All my life, all I ever wanted was a pal I could bare my heart to. See, it all started when I was just a kid; no one at school wanted to be friends with me because I always smelled like nachos, and—

  Yeah, I think I’ve heard enough.

  Mute.

  Whew. Glad the game let me back out of that one. That’s the last time I ever let a horse into my head.

  Though, what was he saying in the end there about school and nachos?

  Bah. Probably wasn’t important. I mean, he’s just a horse in an online game. It’s not like he’s an isekaied truck driver on his second life or anything…