cw: Anxiety/panic attack

  ---

  The forest Seven Feathers led Flowing Silk and Silk Petal through was quiet, dappled light filtering through the trees leaning over both sides of the narrow gully. It was peaceful and beautiful, but all of them were more focussed on finding the cave than appreciating the scenery.

  It took deceptively little time to find it thanks to the disturbance in the mud, tucked among the roots of a tree and screened by moss. The sparse cave had a surprising amount of space for how little was stored there, plenty for the cage with the unconscious real Jing and a pile of letters off to one side. Silk Petal immediately went for the letters and snatched them up, scanning through them hurriedly.

  Flowing Silk's attention was stolen by the spell-circle with two unassuming coins at its centre, scrambling towards it almost as quickly. It was probably a good thing that the caster was already dead or he would have received backlash from breaking the seal so incautiously.

  It didn't matter, nothing mattered except making sure that Ren was safe.

  He cradled the coins against his chest with as much care as he would have given a baby. "Thank Goodness," he whispered, "Thank goodness you're safe."

  He should never have had to reunite with Ren this way, but now that Ren's soul was safe he was starting to process that this was his grave money.

  Flowing Silk found himself faltering, clinging to the coins like a rock in a storm. Quick, distract yourself, don't go to pieces, not in front of people! Especially not in front of the new friends you were so fascinated by the fighting style of! You're meant to be a respected priest!

  "Yes, this is what I was sent for." Silk Petal confirmed.

  Flowing Silk forced himself to ignore the waves of grief lapping against his mind and looked up to engage in small talk as Silk Petal looked through the papers, “May I ask what is in those letters?”

  Seven Feathers nodded, “This is information - from a Sage Li in the Golden Phoenix Temple - about -”

  He couldn't have heard that right. He couldn't have heard them just casually mention his adoptive father. Sending secret messages and being wrapped up in dangerous politics? Sage Li was a quiet priest who avoided politics! And most people! Had Flowing Silk misjudged him that badly?

  But how many other Sage Li's would Ren know? Let alone ones that would trust Ren with highly secret information. It couldn't be anyone else, which meant that his adoptive father was involved in this snarl, but how? And for how long?

  There was a roaring sound starting to build in Flowing Silk's ears, "Sage Li?"

  It made a sickening amount of sense. Sage Li was good at gathering information, it was what made him such a good exorcist finding the root of a ghost's problems. Add onto that the friends he had made around the Empire when he was Xia and he could have a fearsome network on his hands if he wanted.

  But Flowing Silk thought he was happy with his quiet life, Sage Li had always warned him against getting involved in politics, after all. Did he know because he was involved? Why would he risk breaking that peace?

  … To make sure his adoptive son who had been gone for two years was okay?

  … Had he been the reason Ren was now dead for information?

  Petal shot an angry glance at Seven Feathers, "You can't just trust people because you decide you like them! What if they're the kind to blab everything they hear?"

  He had to admit she had a point but… "You do realise I will simply ask Ren anyway? I doubt he would hide it from me.”

  “Well, it's not for me to reveal the secrets he found." Seven Feathers gestured, "But I'm not sure Ren was the kind to betray his master's confidence. That said, all three of you seem like trustworthy people.”

  Irritation flared, words flying out of him before he could catch them. “Ren's master? My Master!” he snapped, spinning to face Seven Feathers as he stood, “Master Li is my father! He raised me! Ren is my best friend and…” he cut off his words with some effort, forcing his voice to return to its calm tone, “Sorry. Yes, the others are trustworthy and discreet.”

  Breathe, breathe, don't lose your temper, it's just the grief expressing itself in a different way. Flame fuelled anger wouldn't help here. Breathe.

  Seven Feathers turned back to look at Flowing Silk, silent for a moment as he studied the priest. When he spoke his tone was odd, “Not to mention... well, I didn't expect to meet you like this.”

  Flowing Silk blinked, irritation replaced by confusion so suddenly that the ground was ripped from beneath him once more, “What do you mean?”

  Silk Petal snorted, “Are you kidding? Stand on the other side of a pane of glass and you could be his reflection.”

  Flowing Silk blinked at her uncomprehendingly. This would be easier if he was used to seeing himself, but mirrors weren't something Xia carried, let alone something that a Temple Orphan had the funds to own.

  His eyes swivelled to the man in Graceful Swan robes only distinguishable from his own by the cut of the sleeves, the lack of stitching or hems and the lustre of the fabric. A reflection? Was- she implying they were related?

  “What?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper over the growing noise in his ears. He couldn't be- Not like this! Not after everything else! Every Temple Orphan wanted to know who their parents were! They all wanted to know why they were given up, what circumstances had forced their hand, that they had been loved.

  He'd daydreamed about it while doing his chores. How he'd introduce himself, how he would immediately know they were his family because he would see himself in them.

  He'd always imagined that they never wanted to give him up, leaning down with kind eyes to tell him where he came from, giving him history and lineage instead of a blank void. That maybe that history would help him work out where he belonged, that it would explain everything and finally give him context for his wonky mind.

  Speaking of his wonky mind, his vision was going fuzzy at the edges. His muscles were starting to lock up around the grave money in panic. Ren, help me. Flowing Silk whispered in his mind, squeezing the coins a little tighter as if they would shield him like Ren always had. This wasn't how it was supposed to go!

  “... What does that mean?” He asked in a voice that didn't feel like it came from his mouth at all.

  Seven Feathers continued to speak, implausibly, obliviously, as if he didn't realise the Temple Orphan's world was falling apart around his ears. “I've known for a while I had a brother, but we were both abandoned as orphans. Myself, in the Graceful Swan monastery here in the North, and you…”

  Flowing Silk felt the moment his mind refused to process it, the ringing in his ears growing to a roar. No, this was wrong! This wasn't how it was meant to go! He'd lost his love that morning! He hadn't even had time to grieve because he was busy solving their murder! He was only just standing! He couldn't deal with his childhood dreams crashing in on top of it!

  What vision he had left wavered with the beginnings of tears as the darkness closed in. He was breathing too fast but he couldn't breathe, couldn't think! His hands were shaking but he couldn't let go of where they were locked around Ren's soul and everything was just too much-!

  ---

  Flowing Silk blinked and found himself looking at the roof with Seven Feathers' worried expression floating above him. "Are you alright?"

  "He fainted. I'm fairly sure the answer's no." Silk Petal commented from somewhere above him.

  Seven Feathers promptly lifted his head to glare at someone Flowing Silk couldn't see, "What did you do to him?"

  "I didn't do anything!" A small girl's voice protested, and Flowing Silk groggily turned his head sideways to look.

  Flowing Silk blinked slowly at the sight of a small sparrow sitting on the unconscious Jing as Seven Feathers scowled, "A trickster spirit shows up right as he collapses and says she doesn't have anything to do with it? Try a more believable lie."

  She scoffed and hopped off her perch to shift back, clearly needing the humanoid body to wave an admonishing finger, even if she was blatantly ignoring gravity, "That was all you! How did you expect him to react when you dropped all that on him!" She spun to face the side with a huff and crossed her arms, "Besides, if I'd done it I'd have turned up earlier, I can't believe I missed the reveal!"

  Ah, that did rather confirm who the spirit was.

  Seven Feathers sighed, "Now that I can believe. But you had better not say a word, during this or of this, to anyone, or I will throw you out and I won't tell you what happened."

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  The spirit looked at him in horror and Flowing Silk realised that he needed to de-escalate this. He attempted to haul himself upright with a polite, "Hello Chun Wei. My apologies Seven Feathers, the passing out was my fault."

  When he moved the world spun. Once it settled everything felt slightly slower and more sluggish than usual. Had the day finally caught up to him? His ears had stopped roaring, but everything sounded far away instead.

  Seven Feathers immediately moved to support him and his hand was the only warm thing in the world. "Ignore her. Be careful, you just passed out."

  Would it be wrong to ask for his hand to stay? That point of contact was rapidly becoming an anchor now that he wasn't holding-

  Wait, where was- Where was Ren's Grave Money?!

  "Ren! Where's Ren?" Flowing Silk panicked, eyes wide as he scrabbled for the coins. As soon as he turned to search the floor he felt something shift in his lap and his attention snapped to the cheap coins that held everything Ren was, catching them before they could slip outside the safety of the robes Ren had commissioned for him. He gathered the coins to him carefully, checking that they hadn't been damaged when he fainted.

  It was silly, he knew that. Coins didn't dent easily, but he couldn't help it. He was barely holding himself together as it was. Heavens, he must look so pathetic. First fainting, then curling up around the coins like they were the only thing left in the world. He needed- he needed to get hold of himself before they disavowed all knowledge of him.

  He closed his eyes and willed his breathing to try and slow down. Find a distraction, Chun Wei was sitting right there, what had she turned up for?

  His eyes sprung open as he replayed what Seven Feathers had said before Flowing Silk had passed out. “... I have a brother? I have family?”

  Seven Feathers appeared to think very carefully about how much to say. “Yes. There's so much I want to tell you - and a lot I can't.”

  Even through his shock and the wonderfully reassuring touch at his shoulder his magistrate training tried to kick in. True, he couldn't see any of the tells that indicated they were lying, but this was almost textbook emotional manipulation! Finding someone vulnerable and giving them a new emotional bond to latch onto, using their compromised state to gain their trust.

  … But the way Seven Feathers had said it seemed far more like the thoughtlessness he'd seen on noble children, the ones who didn't realise how a single sentence at the wrong time could send someone's world reeling. He'd looked genuinely worried when Flowing Silk had woken up from fainting and seemed hesitant even now.

  Flowing Silk really ought to respond at some point, Silk Petal and Chun Wei were watching expectantly.

  "Why should I believe you?" Flowing Silk's voice replied, but his mind was already coming up with an answer - the way he'd startled as soon as he'd seen Flowing Silk jump down into the courtyard. In hindsight, that had been recognition, the look of seeing himself and realising who Flowing Silk must be.

  Seven Feathers was quiet, the worry fading from his expression to be replaced by hurt and disappointment hidden under a neutral mask, "There's nothing I can do but offer you my word and how similar we are."

  And his reactions, the things he gave away without meaning to, like the fact that Flowing Silk could see how his suspicion had hurt him.

  Concerningly, Flowing Silk felt himself wanting to accept this person as his brother. Of course his family wouldn't be held at bay by the barrier of white, he wore it too, even if their white was not the white of death. It only made sense that the person who was able to pierce the bubble around him was the sibling he'd always hoped for, family was meant to comfort you when you lost your loved one.

  Internally his rational mind wailed. It was such a simple trick! One of the oldest in any oratory guide!

  But heavens, it was working. It felt like he could trust him, and even if he was in a bad state, his instincts for who he could trust had almost never been wrong and Seven Feathers' hand was so warm against his back.

  To his shame he felt tears starting to form in his eyes and he let himself lean into Seven Feathers' side with a faint bump. Seven Feathers tensed up, but after a few moments carefully let both arms settle round Flowing Silk's shoulders in a loose hug. The weighted sleeves felt wonderful, pressing him back into his own body.

  He was real. This was real.

  Heavens but it felt so nice to be hugged after so long.

  Flowing Silk's resistance crumpled and he turned his face into his brother's shoulder, his usually fluid voice stilted and halting. “... I have a brother.” He swallowed, “You have no idea how much that means.”

  Seven Feathers decided not to comment and just continued hugging him. Flowing Silk finally allowed his voice to crack and his shoulders to shake. “I... my apologies, it's been a long day.”

  He didn't attempt to stop the tears sliding down his face, too relieved to finally be able to break down and let out some of the emotion that had been clouding his head. It had been so long since he'd had a hug, had any kind of physical affection, separated from the world by solemnity of societal interaction and the barrier of the white robes.

  Not only that but Seven Feathers was so similar and yet so different. It was too perfect, but he'd not seemed to speak with any falsehood. It was too neat, but the part of him that was breaking down and desperate for comfort after losing his rock was clinging to the stranger like he'd drown without them.

  He really hoped they weren't lying. He didn't have the strength to reject them.

  There was a nervous cough from above him and an uncertain voice, “Did you want to... uh, Ren's spirit, and…”

  Just like that Flowing Silk’s spine was stiff again, the composed priest mask slipping back into place. Duty first. What was he thinking, to cry on a near stranger?

  “Yes, my apologies.” Flowing Silk reluctantly moved away from the hug and stood, wiping his eyes with one sleeve. “I also wished to ask if I could learn the Graceful Swan style. But my duty to Ren must come first, also to see what he knew that was not in those letters.” He paused, “... And to see if he wishes me to take that burden for him.”

  “Of course you could.” Seven Feathers replied warmly, and hope flickered that maybe Flowing Silk hadn't ruined their first impression by bursting into tears. “It is no less than my duty to my School, and my family, to teach you. But firstly I should introduce myself - without dissembling.”

  Seven Feathers swept into a bow that sent eddies of dust whirling from his sleeves as Flowing Silk blinked at him in mute shock. “I am Han-Chi-Tao; Champion of the Autumn Dragon, Grandmaster of the Graceful Swan; and your brother.”

  It was impossible, ridiculous, that someone so vaunted would be his brother; but he was too tired and he felt his heart warm at the thought. An amazing elder brother he could look up to and have as a guide or goal, what more could he ask for?

  Flowing Silk felt a small, weak smile grow on his face and returned the bow, "I am Flowing Silk Ribbon; Priest of the Golden Phoenix, Master of the Pure Flame and Magistrate in training. I would be honoured if you would accept me as your brother."

  "Accept?" He raised an eyebrow, "It is not a choice, but something we obviously are."

  "Still, I wouldn't blame you for disavowing me after an introduction like that." Flowing Silk admitted.

  The eyebrow remained raised, "An introduction like what? Stepping in unquestioningly to defend an innocent, who is an important companion of mine? Saving her life despite dealing with the death of your friend, and then jumping in to support a stranger on top of that?"

  Memory flickered and Flowing Silk turned to look at her, "Wait, you said Silk Petal was your sister, does that mean…?" Strange. It felt like he'd been through so many emotions in the last ten minutes that he'd ended up somewhere approximate to normal and businesslike from how wrung out he was. It was probably because he'd overloaded himself and had reverted to just reacting to whatever was in front of him.

  She shook her head, "Friend."

  Something felt wrong about that answer, too tight and secretive, but he couldn't blame her for being wary around a stranger and a trickster spirit. Flowing Silk smiled, "Then I am very glad we were here to defend you."

  "Same here, Wan is an ass." Silk Petal grumbled.

  "Wan?" Seven Feathers - no, Han, frowned, "One of the others at the temple?”

  “The one in exceptionally fancy robes that Xiong landed on.” Flowing Silk replied, "I did grow up alongside him though, he made rather a point of belittling me for having no family."

  Silk Petal smirked, "Guess you've proven him wrong then. But for now I should go and start decoding these letters."

  Realisation filtered through, "Wait- If you say that Ren and Master Li trusted you… We know some more about what the Red Devil masks might be doing."

  Han's brows snapped into a frown, "Wait, they've hunted you before?"

  Flowing Silk nodded, "We thought they were collecting artefacts - they took the Star that Xiong and Sheng were pursuing while attempting to hunt me for these." He tapped the sheathed Wheels on his back, "Though given this assassination I'm no longer sure what they're after."

  Now Silk Petal's eyes narrowed with urgency, looking directly at Han, "They've- we need to deal with them."

  Han nodded. “Swift Nightingale was already looking into them. Perhaps we should send Samidha in to help him.”

  “If they don't kill each other,” Silk Petal agreed before looking back to Flowing Silk, "Thanks for letting us know. That information could be important."

  Flowing Silk could even take a guess as to why, "Important because Starmetal is a component of a True Death Gate?"

  There was silence.

  Silk Petal had stopped, taking on a strange form so that her blue tattoo was visible. Han held out a hand towards Silk Petal to hold her back, his voice serious as he met Flowing Silk's gaze. “How do you know about that.”

  Flowing Silk’s mouth set. He'd known this all tied together somehow. It only made sense with the tangled threads in the vision from Lagos. “We found the notes of some demon summoners connected to larger things while I was pursuing the missing Princess, who I believe is trying to find the Eye of the Unborn Serpent."

  Chun Wei's eyes widened and Silk Petal breathed out far too carefully to not be controlling it, “You are… very well informed. But this information is dangerous, just look at what happened here."

  Flowing Silk said nothing, looking at the Grave Money in his hands.

  Silk Petal didn't look away, "So believe me when I say that you must tell no-one - nobody - about the Ritual. If the wrong people find out - there goes our best chance of ever curing this rot. It could be the Thousand Years of Darkness all over again.”

  Flowing Silk nodded, “Then I suspect you wish me to burn the notes.”

  “Yes, if you don't mind.” Han said.

  “Now, if not sooner.” Petal added.

  “And as to the Eye,” Han continued, “Why do you think we were investigating the 72 Devil Society to start with?”

  So they are connected to the Eye. Another confirmation. Flowing Silk pulled out the book and one of the Wheels. "Fire, if you would not mind?"

  -Oh, I've been waiting.- An eager flame lit at the tip. Flowing Silk smiled and threw the book up, bringing the wheel down in a clean slash of flame.

  The ash drifted down and Flowing Silk breathed out, something about the cleansing satisfying even as the ash covered him and Silk Petal.

  Han stepped effortlessly between the specks to keep his robes gleaming white. Flowing Silk thanked the wheel quietly and tucked it away before he shook his robes slightly to clean them. They really were close to Han's, for all his were Priest-cut and had the line-line pattern rather than being cut like wings.

  “If that is done?” Silk Petal said, causing Flowing Silk to jump slightly, “I think we'll have to part ways here. I need to head into the forest today if I'm to get back west in time to help with the Huns.”

  Flowing Silk bowed deeply, “My apologies for keeping you. I should be getting back to contact Ren as well. It was a pleasure to meet you.”

  Silk Petal bowed in return, “A pleasure meeting you." she grinned, "Perhaps we'll meet again and I can help you a bit more with those quests of yours.”

  "I'll return to the estate as well." Han confirmed, "I haven't had anything to eat yet today and I owe you a lesson. There are a few other things I need to do in the area so I may stay around to get to know you better."

  The idea of having his newly found brother nearby to help him with the immediate grief was a relief. Flowing Silk bowed low, "I would be very grateful for your presence, Grandmaster, thank you."

  Han smiled, and Flowing Silk got the impression he wasn't the only one who had been looking forward to having a sibling all their life, "What else is family for? You go on ahead, I'll catch up with this servant later."

  Flowing Silk smiled and gave a bow of farewell before leaving the cave behind.

  such a day. Good thing his (literally) found family is growing.

  Patreon, is there anything I could change to make it more appealing, eg: more advance chapters? (If so, how many?) Or maybe combining the side content into the advanced reading? Let me know your thoughts!