Rebecca Pov

  It was really early in the morning, it wasn't like 3 O'clock in the morning, (for once in my goddamn life), it was more like 5 O'clock in the morning, no it wasn't healthy how little sleep I was actually getting here, but that's a discussion for later on, (like way way way later, ok, good).

  Anyway I was laying there feeling like an arsehole, (I don't remember why I felt like an arsehole, just that I did feel like an arsehole), hoping that I wasn't waking Levi up with my fucking tossing and turning, (he's not even like the stereotypical man who sleeps through fucking everything as he's a light sleeper), but I did wake him up, (because of course I did).

  "Babe are you okay?"

  "Yeah I'm okay, why wouldn't I be?"

  "I don't know, it just seems like you might not be"

  Levi knew me so well that he figured out that I was kind of freaking out about Jordan's first Christmas, (yes I know it's weird to worry about a Christmas that Jordan will never remember, but I'm a fucking weirdo), but I also didn't want Levi to worry about me anymore than he already was, (because he definitely was), though I wasn't ever going to get Levi to not worry about me, (apparently that's just part of loving someone).

  "What's up?"

  "You know me too well"

  "I would bloody hope so Bex, I asked you to marry me"

  "(Sighs), I'm really worried about today going right"

  "Even though Jordan won't ever remember it?"

  If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

  "Yeah, even though Jordan won't remember it"

  "Is this to do with you worrying about being like Rita?"

  Levi was really hitting the nail in the head, and we both knew it, I really didn't want to admit that out loud, (emotions and dealing with said emotions are fucking hard and I can't deal with that sometimes), but I also don't like lying to anyone, especially Levi as he's my person, ya know, (maybe you don't know, but I digress), so I did admit it to him, (it was better for me and my mental health in the long run, but that didn't make it suck any less).

  "You know what, probably"

  "I would bet you Dad's shop that she didn't worry about any of your siblings first Christmas"

  "I wouldn't be so sure, she does love her sons way more than she has ever loved her daughters"

  "Is it the right time to tell you that I really want to punch your mother?"

  "I appreciate the sentiment but I would rather not have my husband in prison for elderly abuse"

  "She's 46"

  "Yeah well she's legally 52"

  "You're joking"

  "I'm really not, she was 15 when she and Jack got married but they had to be 21, so they lied about their age"

  Could this be viewed as me avoiding actually talking about what's bothering me?, probably if you're really looking at this for far too long, but I try not to linger on things for too long, which in itself isn't healthy for me, but that is why I'm writing life out like this, as apparently it's supposed to help with healing, (I really need actual therapy but I really don't have that kind of money).

  Anyway it was about a half hour before Jordan normally woke up, and theoretically we could've gone and made ourselves a cuppa or something, but honestly I was far too comfortable to want to get out of bed yet, (sue me, my husband's comfortable), so we just stayed in bed for a little while longer, (I suppose it could be considered weird that I stayed in bed when I'm an insomniac but fuck it, my bed's comfortable).

  "You don't normally stay in bed that long after you wake up-"

  "Levi I didn't sleep last night, plus I'm comfy"

  "So you haven't slept in like 3 days?"

  "That's correct"

  "Babe"

  "I know"

  "You really should go see someone about it"

  "They'll just give some powerful sleep tablets and they don't work for me and I'll just be drugged up all the time"

  You could've asked me why sleeping tablets don't work for me, but at the time I didn't know why, just that they didn't work for me, now I know that it's because my brain doesn't properly produce melatonin, (which I learned more about when my older daughter was diagnosed as Autistic), but regardless it's not fun trying to cope with so little sleep.

  Jordan eventually woke up, so we did actually have to get out of bed, Jordan was actually ok once he was out of the cot, (at the time I didn't know that babies don't know that they're not a part of you until they're like 7 months old, so it makes sense with hindsight).