"Hey, can we talk?"

  Lilas nods silently, and I gesture to the sofa. He sat beside me.

  "I overheard your conversation with Aalackai." My cheeks burned with shame.

  Lilas didn't turn to face me; instead, he looked down at his palms. It looked like he wanted to be swallowed up by the ground.

  "What am I going to say...is going to seem cruel to say at this very moment after the conversation you just had with Aalackai," I paused for a moment before continuing, "...but I need to say it even if it's selfish. I need to get it off my chest. I feel like I am not at my tipping point." I said as I clutched my hands into fists.

  I glanced over to Lilas's unmoving body.

  "Say something." I urged. I nudged his knee.

  "What do you want me to say, Kitayana?" He said, truly looking at me for the very first time since I stepped into this room. He looked like he was about to cry, but was barely holding it all in. His eyes were glassy.

  I wish I could reach out to him, comfort him, and hold him. But I don't. It doesn't feel right for me to do that for him.

  How can I?

  Just a few days ago, I was ready to skin him alive, but now I feel at a loss.

  Lilas says quietly, "All I know is what you're about to say is going to feel like a massive blow to my head and maybe even my... heart."

  I stay quiet because I know Lilas is going to take whatever I say personally.

  Because I know I would.

  "Let's hear it then. Tell me, Love, what else have I done? To hurt you?" He looked at me with pealing eyes. A single tear fell from his eye. I couldn't help but reach over and wipe it away. For a moment, we sat just like that, unmoving until... I broke the connection.

  I slowly drifted away from his sadness.

  "Lilas, you've hurt me...," I whispered, blinking traitors' tears, "In ways I thought were unthinkable...I think that's partly why it hurts so much... It's because it's you."

  I glanced over to Lilas to meet his eyes, but he was already facing the other way.

  Wiping away my eyes, I continued,"...I do not doubt in my mind that if it were anyone else, I would be summering in range. Just maybe enough to kill them..." I trail off, "Maybe I would've thought things like, it's about time or I knew they would betray me...but it was never them, it was you. It was you... who betrayed my trust in you."

  "I—" Lilas began before faltering.

  "Lilas, I don't blame your feelings or how you feel...I blame your actions. I blame the way you went about things. I hate that you thought it was necessary to out me to move 'forward'. I hate that you didn't have the confidence to tell me how you felt without betraying me... I hate that I feel this way because of you."

  Lilas turned to face me. Confusion and hurt were sketched all over his face.

  He licked his dry, rosy pink lips before speaking, "My actions...were stupid and thoughtless...I recognize that," He paused for a moment, "but you're saying it's something else... how...you feel because of me." It was like his brain was working overtime trying to connect all the pieces together. But as he said those lost words, it was like he was bracing himself for rejection.

  I nodded.

  "I like to tell myself I am not an emotional person, but you know, and I know that's a lie," I laughed a little, "I am the complete opposite of unemotional. The truth is..." My voice breaks a little, "

  restraint is what keeps me... it keeps me going, it makes me who I am ...."

  I feel like my throat is going to cave in on itself and leave me to suffocate with my unspoken words.

  Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

  I glanced up at the ceiling and thought about my next words. I clear my throat.

  "When you told me you liked me and...Aalackai, something in me unraveled. Something... that I kept buried deep within my heart, started to poke its head out. Something uncomfortable—"

  Lilas blurted out, "I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable..." Lilas looked at me in panic. Like his worst fears were coming true...and maybe they were.

  "Feeling uncomfortable with myself...and my body has been constantly since I awakened. I... naturally assumed that was the case for you...but what may be the case for me might now be for you."

  "Kitayana, what are you trying to say? If I don't make you feel uncomfortable, then...it Kai?"

  "No, Kai could never make me feel that way...I think...it's not anyone who makes me uncomfortable but myself...it's my feelings." He looked at me like he was desperately trying to understand, "So, in a sense it's me, not you..."

  He chuckled very briefly before his face turned serious, "But I am the reason why you feel that way... If I kept my mouth shut, this never... You wouldn't be feeling that way. Nothing would've changed." Lilas said as he started to spiral. He ran fingers through his hair.

  "I think...no matter how you went about your confession, the results would be the same...It doesn't matter if you went about it the right way...I still feel this way," I slowly stood up and faced where he was sitting. I leaned down to face him at eye level, "I feel this way because...I am a coward...I don't let myself feel because it would break me and morph me into something... I don't want to be."

  Lilas had a look of unease when he looked at me. Once I've never since in all our years together.

  Swallowing hard, I tried to speak, but I couldn't.

  I can't love you the way you are meant to be loved...in fact, I can't love either of you without destroying what I built to be safe.

  "It's selfish, right?" I kneeled in front of him like he was some sort of god. I rested my hand onto his lap, "and cowardly..." He stroked my hair.

  "Cowardly? If you're a coward, then what am I?" He whispered as he gently tucked my hair behind my ear, "I push my feelings onto both you and Kai without any care about what the two of you think... I'm the worst. I'm selfish."

  "Being selfish isn't a bad thing... It means you know how to survive."

  Everything I do is for my safety...even if it means I need to step over them to ensure my safety...

  Gradually, his touch felt too warm for my hair. But I don't wanna pull away. I don't want him to stop.

  "Kitayana, you're not selfish, at least not in my eyes... You live your life in self-preservation, but my actions," His voice breaks a little as he continues, "I hurt you. I outed you. I disregarded your feelings and Kai's. All because I believed it was the right way to move forward..."

  "You seemed to recognize your faults...quite quickly." I looked up at him, and he looked at me.

  "I am emotionally incompetent, not completely stupid." He said that he signaled to me to get up. As he moved, he stood up and pulled me up with him.

  "Lilas, how do we move forward?" I said, robbing my face in exhaustion, "I don't want to lose you...I don't want to lose our friendship." I whispered into my hands.

  "I don't want to lose you either and most definitely not our friendship."

  "And what about Kai? Are you mad at him? Are you upset about the things he said to you?"

  "I...don't have the right to be upset with him. He's right. I am a total dumbass. Right now, Kai needs to cool off. He needs time for himself, and so do I. We all do."

  "There's very little space to truly have space for ourselves..."

  He nodded before he spoke, "Is it like how Kai said..? When I outed you...Did it hurt so much that it was hard to breathe?"

  "For a bit, it was like that, but when you told me your reason... it felt unbearable to continue breathing."

  He was quiet and nodded slowly. Like he was letting my words simmer into his consciousness.

  "Kitayana, it's late. Go get some rest." He slowly turned and headed up the stairs.

  My chest hurts.

  I feel like it's going to burst into flames.

  Scorching hot flames feel like they're going to engulf me. They want to suck me into oblivion.

  One of these days I might just let them, but...not tonight.

  I crawl up the stairs in grueling, simmering pain coursing throughout my body.

  When I get into the room, I shut it close, lock it, and push the drawer to block the entrance.

  "Where is it?"

  I rip the room apart trying to find it.

  "Where the fuck is it?"

  Slowly looking around the room, I realize I am in the wrong place.

  This isn't my room.

  Clutching myself, I try to push the drawer blocking the door out of the way. But despite my initial strength, it feels like it has dissipated.

  "Come on. Come on."

  With all my might, I push the drawer out of the way and make my way out of the bedroom.

  The hallway is dark. I can't see anything in front of me. I feel the walls trying to make it to my room.

  "Just a few more steps." I pant out.

  Just when I am about to open the right door. The doors to the bathroom open. The lights in the bathroom blind me for a few seconds before my eyes adjust.

  Lilas steps out, upper body naked, and his lower half covered in a white towel. He looked like he was just about to take a shower.

  Shock momentarily at his sudden appearance, I rushed to open my bedroom door and slam it quickly behind me.

  I lock the door behind me and reach to turn the light switch on.

  "Kitayana, are you okay?" Lilas calls out from the other side of the door.

  I ignore him and head to my bed under my pillow. I pull out the black box.

  "Kitayana?"

  I opened the box frantically. Inside lay a short, thick crystallized pipe. I taped it 3 times, activating a shield around the room. The magical rune then slowly deactivates the spell on my body, and I collapse onto the ground, the rune rounds away from me.

  For the next 16 hours, I won't be able to suppress myself or my heat. No one can come in or out without my permission.

  I am trapped in hell of my own making. No one is coming to help me. I won't even help myself.