Roxanne has already dozed off and is for some reason clinging to me like I'm some type of plushy. Well, the bed is pretty small I guess. I'm amazed that two people can even fit on here without anybody running into the risk of rolling over the edge.

  I run the events of today through my head again. "Today was the day that everything changed", I hope I can say that in the future.

  But the possibility to change doesn't only bring pleasant thoughts, I'm also remembering a lot of things I'd rather not. I guess those past events are what turned me into who I am now, but its not like I'm completely broken...       Well, maybe I am, after all I did kill myself.

  I bet moms pretty happy about that, the way she kept telling me to do it. Its funny how a small fight escalated into us completely hating each other. Really, I'm not even sure what it was anymore. I think I got mad at her for not believing me about something. For some reason I got really pissed and stomped off, and from that day on the tension persisted. She was mad at me because of how angry I got and that just made me more angry. It felt like she started doing little things to piss me off and even the stuff that might not have been intentional felt like it was prepared by my mom just to make my bad days even worse.

  And then came the day when stuff got really bad. I got into a fight with her again because I couldn't find something In my room. I was very sure that she took it, so I confronted her. Things escalated with her telling me she wished I was never born. Man, that really hurt. I don't know why, but maybe it hurt the way it did because back then I thought things might fix themselves again. At least I thought that until she basically told me that she resents my existence.

  Everyday was pretty shit from then on, like really shit. At home all I would do was fight, so normally I would just hang out outside, sometimes just walking around for hours, only coming back home when I knew that my mom would be asleep.

  That's also when we started drifting apart even further. We were on bad terms already and then we completely started avoiding each other, it was hard for me to even call her my mom. The few times I did talk with her I would just call her by her first name.

  Then I started boxing, just to have something to do while my mom was at home. I financed my training with money I stole from my mother. Yes, I hated her so much that I thought it was alright to steal from her. Good thing was, because I had so much time I started getting pretty good at the sport. Because I kinda started to like boxing I often skipped school to attend to training early in the morning.

  Man, my trainer got mad at me when he found out I was still a student and had the nerve to show up at the gym when I was supposed to be in class, but for some reason he didn't bother me about it very much. I think he understood that there must have been a reason for me to behave the way I did and telling me off about it wouldn't fix anything.

  School started sending me letters about my lack of attendance, but I simply threw them away. I would find the letters in the livingroom, opened and left on the table. That made it clear to me that my Mom didn't care about what I did anymore and even after drifting so far apart, I was once again hurt. Fuck, I might even have cried a little.

  Ignoring all my problems I got more absorbed into the sport of boxing. Man, It was exciting when I won my first amateur tournament. Yes, I was actually good at it. It was so strange, after winning all I could think was "Maybe this is what it feels like to have a purpose."

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  But of course life wouldn't be kind enough to let me remain happy. School is mandatory and me skipping school for boxing wasn't appreciated. I was forced to pretty much quit boxing via lawsuit. They didn't tell me to quit, they just arranged certain things to make sure that I would attend to school. And me attending to school would mean that I had less time for boxing.

  I'd actually be escorted from home to school, that's how bad it was.

  This was all around the time when I snapped. I still tried to pursue boxing, but it was difficult with my life falling apart all around me. Because of the whole escort thing I also had more contact with my mother again.

  Most of the time we didn't interact, we would just walk by each other. But there was that one day when I got really angry at her. After coming back from school I planned to steal some money from her wallet again. She had never complained about me doing so, so I assumed that she was probably happy that this was enough to keep me away from her.

  But as I was in the process of taking money from her wallet, her voice suddenly rang out from behind me. There she stood, looking at me from beyond the door frame. Obviously she was aware of what I was doing, but this was the first time she interfered.

  She looked incredibly sad, and when I say this I mean it. Her expression was one of somebody completely heartbroken. Anybody would have been able to read every emotion that she was feeling, just through that expression.

  "Why are you like this?"

  She asked me this as tears started rolling down her cheeks, and then she just looked at me. Maybe you think something like that would motivate me to try fixing our relationship. Well, you thought wrong. I don't think anybody but me would be able to comprehend how angry that question made me.

  "You're really asking me this?!"

  Theres no way that I would have been able to control my voice, I was already at the highest point of anger. If somebody had given me a weapon at that moment I might have killed her instead of myself.

  "After these past two years of you not giving a shit about me, now you try to fix things?! Do you really think now is the time?! I already have nothing left anymore and the only thing I fucking enjoy is currently being taken away from me! Now I have to look at you giving me that expression of regret, like you're feeling bad about this?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Just fucking leave me alone. I don't care, just die right now. I seriously hope that you die right now. Please, just disappear."

  My voice suddenly shifted from angry to regretful and sad when I started wishing for her to die. I really believed that it was all her fault, while now I believe that it was all my fault. Sadly, I'm still angry at her. She really ruined a lot for me, especially the opposite sex.

  Being honest, I might see my mother in all women out there. I'm not sure if I hate them all, but I have a massive lack of respect for them.

  There might be an exception though.

  I look over to Roxanne, shes sleeping pretty peacefully. She really doesn't care that shes sharing this bed with somebody else right now, guessing by the way shes clinging to me.

  Yeah, I do think that I respect Roxanne to a certain extent. But I mean, she is basically my only hope right now. Do I even see Roxanne as a woman?

  I think its just that I'm really not completely sure how to feel towards her. I respect her, but at the same time I don't know if I like her. Yet, I also don't hate her. Man, emotions are weird.

  Maybe one day I can look at her and get aroused? I think I really missed out on that whole unnecessary arousal part you go through in puberty, so maybe I can catch up.

  As I turn my eyes to the ceiling a small yawn escapes me.

  I think all these weird thoughts are making me tired.