Mirrond: So… I have somehow written it in one evening… and Resus corrected most of it one evening… which is… strange a bit. But, here it is - another chapter.

  Resus: Yeah… we wrote 90% of it in the last 48 hours… and that’s exactly like saying “we didn’t write anything the last week”...

  Mirrond: We had reasons…! I think. After writing this like a madman I have problems with my memory D: Who are you? Who am I?

  Resus: Oh, right… You were sick… And I’m not qualified to write it on my own when it’s so full of dialogues and exposition :P

  Mirrond: I thought about making a joke about me being a sick person all the time and only catching an illness lately, but I decided - fuck it.

  ********************************

  Chapter 7: Shadow’s job description should be ‘harbinger of idiocy’

  Trying to keep my voice low, so that Gavlan won’t hear me, I whisper several typical keywords you would expect to open the interface in this situation. Nothing. Few gestures I’m able to come up with also don’t seem to have any effect. I guess the knowledge from all this novels, manga and anime isn’t as usable in real life as one would assume. I read and watched literally hundreds of them… and by far that didn’t give me anything, beside irritation over clicheness.

  Back to the topic, let’s think about this some more. What sort of interface opening trigger could be set by a mad deity that seemingly finds joy in making fun of me? I’m afraid the answer is - I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! This could be literally anything, from a mad dance to self harm using something sharp… or a spoon. It’s impossible for me to find out and trying anything without knowing what is it exactly would be ridiculous, tedious and - ultimately - pointless.

  Thinking about this as an actual game there should be an option allowing customisation of such trigger somewhere in the Options menu… but I can’t access it now!

  Hey, Shadow… are you listening? How about a little help? Because, you know, in this situation, your appearance WOULD ACTUALLY BE USEFUL FOR ONCE! And look, you’d be able to make fun of me and this little problem of my!

  For a second I kinda expected him to answer to my thoughts, but… nope, no such luck for me. Great, just great. Fun-fucking-tastic to be precise. Now it’s certain - I’m the shittiest reincarnated ‘hero’ ever. I don’t know how many real reincarnated heroes the apparent multiverse had… but I’m positive that I’m the very first one to not be able to open his own interface...

  Okay, for now let’s settle with ’It’s all Shadow’s fault in the first place!’ because I really need to go to sleep. Tomorrow - when the shit’ll hit the fan - and everyone will learn of my brother’s death - I’ll better not look like sleep-deprived zombie. Besides… maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to figure something out regarding this whole mess?

  It’s damn hard to fall asleep when you know that your dead brother’s body lies on the other side of the wall.

  * * *

  Waking up to a screaming woman is kind of what I expected. And, weirdly enough, it’s slowly becoming a routine for me. Next thing I know is Gavlan shaking my arm and asking if I’m ok. He’s my bodyguard after all and if they found my brother dead I’m his priority again. I ensure him that everything is ok and he leaves the room, I guess he heard my father approaching because I can hear them talking for a short while.

  The conversation is quickly over and it seems like father rushed to my brothers room. The scream following right after the bang of opening doors hitting the wall is filled with anguish and despair.

  * * *

  Ok, I honestly didn’t think that my brother’s death would affect him so much. I may sound biased but he wasn’t as bad as I thought before the whole ‘my uncle is touching me’ incident. It actually seems like he was sensitive enough to actually nearly break after losing his bastard son who so far gave him nothing but trouble. The scream two days ago was pretty much only the beginning. After wallowing in… whatever it is that people are supposed to wallow in… for some time, he switched into apathy and that’s pretty much his condition even now.

  But it’s not like he was completely broken. His eyes aren’t lifeless and given enough time he will shake it all off. However for the time being he is no use so grandfather was the one to organize the funeral. And I must admit that for someone not originally from this world the funeral rites in Res are quite… peculiar. As far as I know this world doesn’t really have any concept of afterlife, so the funeral is more like a sacrifice to the goddess of water that is worshipped here. Bodies are cremated and the ashes are thrown into the sea or a river. At least that’s how it is for the poor. Rich families, like Veles, have a little different approach.

  They have tombs. Every wealthy family has one. It’s nothing more than a place filled with pedestals on top of which there are stone bowls filled with water mixed with ashes. The only ‘decoration’ is a name, dates of birth and death written on the pedestal, plus names of your parents. Our family tomb was, quite surprisingly, right below the mansion. One of many closed rooms in the building turned out to be a spiral staircase. But the biggest surprise was my brother’s funeral itself.

  Sometime during the preparations I overheard a conversation between two slaves about my brother’s situation in the family. And based on what I heard, having a child with a slave isn’t as rare as recent events would suggest. It’s heavily frowned upon and considered as something really bad - especially because of a strange believe that slaves are somehow ‘worse’ than free people, but it happens from time to time. And because of that, there are actually rules and regulations for this kind of a situations. I’m not sure though if they are official like ‘laws’ or just what people silently agreed to do.

  Anyway, owner of a slave can in fact legitimize the child and said child can be treated as a heir, but if he or she has any fully legitimate half-siblings they have priority over him or her. However it’s a rather rare occurrence for anyone to legitimize a bastard.

  On the other hand, if the owner refuses to acknowledge the child his family can still ‘adopt’ it. It’s as if it was an orphan now under care of the family. It’s actually a rather common practice as such children can be properly educated and later become helpful in managing family business. They are generally really loyal, as their parent - or after his or her death, the family head - can legitimize them anytime they see fit. That ‘adopted orphan’ could also get betrothed to a member of a different wealthy family. Although I have no idea why the ‘slaves are worse than free people’ belief doesn’t apply here… Anyway, both ways conclude with them living peaceful lives full of riches, so being loyal is definitely tempting. Actually, as far as I know, Lena is an example of such adoption.

  The last option, however, is for the master to denounce the child, who then ends as his slave with only one parent. Which is a pretty heartless thing to do, but it happens from time to time.

  Back to the topic, when we entered the tomb during the ceremony, there was my father’s name written as a parent on the pedestal prepared for my brother’s ashes. I could hear shocked whispers among some of the less prominent family members. Only that daughter-of-a-bitch - Iverie - didn’t look shocked at all. This pretty much explained why she killed him - Naharius must’ve legitimized my brother in secret, but she somehow found out about it.

  The ritual itself was short. The body was cremated earlier, so all my father did was pouring ashes into the bowl. Then we all leaved the tomb, leaving only Naharius behind. According to Gavlan ‘he wanted to be alone for a bit’. The feast began shortly after.

  I don’t really enjoy it. Being in the same room as Iverie is making me want to break something. I barely even notice what I’m eating and that my father entered the room. He looks like a shadow of his former self. Especially because of the bags under his eyes. After one or two hours I begin having a little headache so I excuse myself and go back to my room with Gavlan following me. I’m also really sleepy - even despite it still being a few hours till dusk. I fall asleep really quickly.

  Then… there are dreams. Quite vivid. People and places from both of my lives mixed together into something totally incomprehensible. The theme slowly starts becoming darker and darker. And finally… it turns into a nightmare.

  I am in a building. A palace or castle, built from really massive blocks of dark stone I don’t recognize. The room I’m in is enormously spacious, all I can see is a forest of pillars that seems to continue without end - no walls in my sight - and a throne in front of me. There is Shadow sitting on it. This time he looks much more evil-godlike. The only part of his body that’s still a black whirlwind is his face. The rest is covered by what looks like a really sinister set of black armor with thorns as a motive. It’s decorated with a crude image of sickle-like red moon painted on his chestplate. His body is strangely slim, I kinda expected the Evil God Of Madness to look more… macho? Especially in his magnificent Black Armor of Badassitude.

  “Damn, what a creepy nightmare.” I mumble to myself but before I can do anything else I receive a powerful kick in the stomach.

  I fly backwards, piercing through several pillars. And… IT HURTS, IT SO FUCKING HU… wait, it hurts? Which means…

  “Yes.” I hear Shadow’s voice while trying to stand up, I can see his face very, very close to my own. He looks pissed. “This is, more or less, reality.”

  “Fuck, you know you could’ve just pinch me!”

  “Sure I could, but kicking you was so much more enjoyable.” I’m trying to come out with a riposte but before anything leaves my mouth he smiles - wryly and without any sign of joy in his eyes. “Besides… I just had to somehow punish you for being SO MUCH OF AN IDIOT and dying already!”

  What?

  “Dying. You know - the moment when your body becomes unable to continue living, and your soul… well, that part depends on whom you ask. “ He starts laughing out of nowhere. “Who like who, but you should be pretty knowledgeable in the subject, it’s your second time after all.”

  “How? Was it Iverie?” He helps me up. Despite receiving his kick and piercing through several stone pillars I’m not even wounded, but i guess it’s not all that surprising since I’m already dead and all…

  “Looks like my blessing’s working. A bit too late, perhaps?“ Another burst of laughter. “Victim’s cause of death - cerebral hemorrhage. Looks like someone really raised his blood pressure. Yeaaaaah.” And then he puts on pair of sunglasses out of nowhere.

  “Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami’s opening scene. Sweet… you got any more of them references to my world? NO! Cerebral Hemorrhage?! What the…” But he doesn’t let me finish.

  “It’s a fantasy world. From your perspective anyway. The are like billions of various poisons and toxins out there. And I must point out that this particular one is actually really awesome.” He looks so genuinely enthusiastic about it… ”When added to food or beverage its effects start as a little headache and sleepiness. But when the victim *wink* fall asleep… it fries the brain. Side effects - realistic dreams and nightmares. Cerebral hemorrhage is this train’s last stop. Though even if someone wakes the victim before it’s all over there’s always at least slight brain damage devolving a healthy person into a retard or a vegetable. Thankfully this state would last only until the victim falls asleep again, as then… bam! Cerebral hemorrhage.” Second of silence, and yet another burst of laughter. “Damn, I really like those words. ‘Cerebral hemorrhage’ sounds soooooo awesome and intelligent.”

  I decide to ignore his nonsense. “So, what you’re saying is that this way it would look like a natural death.” I think out laud. “And even if someone would decide to do an autopsy, all that could be found are signs of…”

  “... cerebral hemorrhage!” Can’t you just shut up for a moment?! “Well, of course if twenty people die because of it one night in a single house, everyone would know that it was this poison. But if it happens once at a time to a single person…”

  “... especially someone who was thought to have mental problems when he was younger.” This time I’m the one to interrupt. “Iverie would easily persuade anyone that it was all because of a hidden disease, that damaged my brain when I was younger. First retardation and then... “ I notice what I’ve done a second too late.

  “... CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE!!!” Oh God, if only I had something sharp… I really want to stab Shadow. To death. WITH A FUCKING SPOON. “Think like that too much, and in the future I’ll grant you a magic spoon as a divine artifact.” Obligatory burst of laughter… “Watching you stabbing people with it would be GLORIOUS! You would be so pissed at me, that you’d end up getting…“ Oh please no. “CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE!!!”.

  AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! The worst part is that this guy could really do this. And being known as ‘The Dark Lord of The Magic Spoon’ by this world’s future generations is’t the peak of my dreams. “Shadow… is that poison something well known?”

  “No, not really.” He answers promptly. “Well, it’s known just enough so I can tell you a bit about it without breaking any rules.” Rules? “It’s one of the Old Empire’s glorious inventions. Diluted in water 1:1000 it ends up us a harmless drug that can be used to stimulate vivid dreams. It can also be used as a lubricant for heavy machinery involving magic. And rubbed into skin in small quantities restores magic power. Quite useful but hard to create so it’s pretty rare. Well, it was hard to create by the Old Empire, because with today’s technology it can’t be replicated.”

  For some reason I’m sure that if I ask anything about the Old Empire I’ll hear something along the lines of ‘sorry, can’t say anything about it'. Enhanced intuition strikes back. Shadow smiles wryly when I think that.

  “Oh, and by the way...” Before I have a chance to say anything he’s speaking again. “It looks like it’s linked to a strange underground ‘cult’ that’s currently under the Temple’s investigation. They already used this poison in a few assassinations, so they definitely have access to it. And no, this isn’t breaking the rules as long as you already heard about it but simply forgot because you were sleepy back then. And I didn’t add this to the Codex because of very important reasons.”

  This might be a useful tip… This cult, whatever it is, must be connected to both Iverie and that magician who helped her. And because of that… wait… Codex?! “Thank God I just remembered about this… You see, I can’t open my interface because I accidentally closed it before reaching Options and there was nothing in the tutorial about…”

  “You did what?!” He starts laughing really, really hard and speaks through that laughter. “And just so you know, it’s totally not like I already knew about it from watching you all the time but simply decided not to help you because observing your desperate struggle was oh so very funny.”

  “Oh fuck you.”

  “In your dreams.” More laughter… This time even I smile a bit. Bad sexual innuendos are always good. “Well, changing activation trigger is pretty much the first option there. But you know, aside from blessings and codex entries I can’t change anything in the system anymore so everything is just set to default. Lucky for you I can inform you what the default is.” I have a terrible premonitions about this…

  “And just what the hell is the default trigger?!”

  “Well… It’ll be easier if I just show you!”

  I start hearing music coming from everywhere and I’m forced to watch an evil god of madness performing a dance from the ‘Gangnam Style’ video…

  No.

  NO.

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  Oh God why?!

  At least no one will ever know about this except the two of us, right?!

  I manage to complete the short dance sequence on a SIXTH FUCKING ATTEMPT! And by now Shadow completely lost it… He’s rolling around laughing uncontrollably and bouncing off the pillars, like some kind of maniacal billiard ball… Seeing the interface window opening before me gives me the feeling of relief that can’t even be described.

  I click - carefully, as accidentally closing it again would be worse than death - on the Options button. I ignore most of them - there will be a time later for proper exploring - and focus on the first one. ‘Interface Activation Trigger - Gangnam Style dance’. To the right from it there’s an arrow. I touch it and the trigger changes from ‘Gangnam Style dance’ into ‘Cut out a maiden’s heart with an obsidian knife.’

  WHAT?!

  “Hey, it wasn’t me!” Shadow is suddenly standing in front of me. “Most of them were added by my… ahem… friends and colleagues. But don’t worry, there can’t be too many of them.”

  I switch to the next and read it out loud. “Participate in an orgy with thirteen black prostitutes and a tamed armadillo.” Wait… what?! I glance at Shadow, but he is currently too busy admiring the ceiling. Oh for fuck’s sake… N...next?

  “Perform a Black Mass with at least forty participants on a cemetery at midnight.” JUST HOW CAN IT EVEN BE A FUCKING INTERFACE ACTIVATION TRIGGER?! Next.

  “Sell a dangerous drug to an underage.”… That one is actually more evil than idiotic. Next.

  “Wearing human skin as clothes stand on your head and recite ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn’ backwards thirteen times." … I actually have problems deciding if the ‘gods’ I’m serving are a band of idiots… or creepy bastards… maybe both? The title of creepy-idiot-bastards quite suit them, at least if they’re all similar to Shadow. Next.

  “Jump from the rooftop of a building that is at least twenty stories high while singing The Ode to Joy.” How about no? Next.

  “Kill a person by hitting him repetitively with a spoon.” Is Shadow adding this shit when I am not looking?! Next.

  “Scream as loud as you can in a public place.” Well.. that’s a bit impractical. Next.

  “Run a marathon on one leg.” Em… no. Next.

  “Tear your arm out and wave at someone with it.” … Next.

  “Eat a tiger.” No? Next.

  “Let yourself be eaten by a tiger.” What? … Next.

  “Tame a tiger and make it dance the Gangnam Style dance” … Does one of them have some kind of an obsession over tigers?! Next.

  “Gather big number of tigers, kill them, reanimate them as zombies, and then let them create a havoc on the streets of a big city creating one and only Night Of Living Tigers!……………………….. apparently yes, very much so. Next.

  “Make sweet sweet love to a ti…” NEXT.

  “Say tiger.” Next… Wait, no! It was actually quite normal…

  “Have sex with a tree.” … unlike this one. Well, I can’t move back. Next...

  “Let a tree have sex with you.” Just… how… nevermind, I don’t even want to know in case there actually ARE such trees around. Shadow suddenly starts laughing… even louder than he was all this time. Next. God, please, let it be something normal. PLEASE.

  “Oppa Gangnam Style dance”.

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

  I despair for a moment. My dark thoughts accompanied by never ending laughter of a mad deity that once again is rolling on the floor bouncing off of pillars. Shit, I’ll have to settle with the ‘Say Tiger’ one, right?

  I click the right button repeatedly and eventually arrive to ‘Make sweet sweet etc.’. Then I click once again.

  ‘Have sex with a tree.’

  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? I click right button again. ‘Let tree have sex with you.’ and again…

  “Gesture (presets).” Shadow stopped rolling and instead is standing few meters away from me, whistling something and once again admiring the ceiling. Totally. Not. Suspicious. Well, I’m not going to say anything… for once he has done something useful. My level of hatred towards him was just lowered from infinity to infinity minus one. Great job!

  Below the ‘Interface Activation Trigger - ’ another option shows up, labeled ‘Gesture Presets’. I immediately search through it. Majority is idiotic and impractical (like using your hand to mimic movements that are commonly associated with masturbation) but… finally…

  “Reach with your right hand as if the status window was already there. WHY COULDN’T YOU MAKE THIS A DEFAULT?!”

  “Because it wouldn’t work if you didn’t know to do it…” Shadow, with a serious face, made a serious remark. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHADOW?!

  “So… it would be exactly the same as the actual default?”

  “Well… yeah! But booooooriiiiiiing!” Nevermind, he’s back.

  I hate him. Well.. at least now we can finally get back to business!

  “So… you’re going to resurrect me now, right?” He nods to that. “Could you maybe… emm… modify me and my surroundings a bit?”

  “Depends on what do you mean by ‘a bit’.”

  “I mean, could you leave detectable traces of poison in my body? Add signs of me vomiting in the bathroom sometime in the evening. “ I can see his eyes opening widely.

  “Ohhh, so that’s your ‘Master Plan’ this time. Certainly interesting. Has potential to be amusing. And it can be done without breaking the rules! Sure, I’ll do it.”

  Suddenly I feel myself falling into darkness. But before it devours me completely I manage to ask one final question.

  “Wait! What are the rules?!”

  His only answer is laughter…

  ****************************************************

  Mirrond: Just so you know - there will be no orgy with tamed armadillo in the story later on ;_; If this makes you sad, go see a doctor.

  Resus: Or… buy a perverted armadillo?

  Mirrond: Something like this can be bou… wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.

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