Chapter 12Comfortable Little Lies18 February 2022Tears are nice.

  Yes, her eyes hurt. Yes, her head hurts. Her uniform is stained with makeup. She looks like a mess, but perhaps that’s good: at least people can see how much of a mess she is.

  Amy’s been sitting across from her for the past however many minutes. Saying things that Ace refuses to process, looking down on her with concern and contempt equally.

  Not even Ms. Lambert, someone she's been repeatedly reassured would love any trans woman, wants her. Amy doesn’t want her: not in the same way she wants others, at least. Her insistence that their connection is something deeper doesn’t align with the fact that she will get intimate with others, and only ptonically touch Ace. Yes, she will hold her hand, yes, she will put her arms around her and hold her close and yes, indeed, she will kiss her. But in all cases, she does so cautiously. As if Ace could break if she holds her too roughly.

  Something that she is, probably, quite right about.

  Kelynen said the girls here were picked for their vulnerability. That they picked those who were unlikely to transition in any other pce. Ace does, slowly, start to know why that applies to her: she’s a broken, hurt little thing, unlikable as she is, useful only as a target for whatever people have used her for throughout the years.

  Easy to manipute. Easy to abuse. To hurt, again and again. People see that in her, don’t they?

  Amy, sitting across from her, the mastermind behind her getting stuck in this pce, certainly does know that. The one who lies to her, refuses to protect her, offers false comfort and tells her that there’s a future for ‘Alice’, whoever that even is, at this point. Comfortable lies.

  No personality; No friends, no real ones, anyway; Not even that godawful site which revels in affirming all her worst fears. Alone in the world. She should be alone in the world.

  She yells, screams, letting the masculine in her voice rip through the woman in front of her, until Amy simply stands up, gives Ace one st pitiful look, and walks away.

  Good. Ace isn’t worth her time.

  Ace hides under her duvet and continues to cry, hating that she had to do what she did just so Amy would stop hurting her like she has been. She should stop pretending to love her, and just hurt her like others have before — without the promises of things ending up better in the end.

  20 February 2022“Alice?” Gwen asks for the fifteenth time, her voice getting increasingly strained at trying to maintain head voice whilst repeating a name without it getting boring: she’s said it quickly, slowly, lengthened the a, i, ess and e. She has tried a posh voice, like Kelynen does from time to time, and attempted her grandma's nigh-incomprehensible Welsh accent and dialect, at least for an Anglo like Alice. “Lulu said you need to drink something. You’ve not gotten out of bed for two days.”

  No response.

  “I’ve made some fresh orange juice.” She adds, in the hope that it will somehow make the girl in the bed next to her magically revitalise. Not that she cares about her revitalising, she’s struggling to care about Alice at all, given that Alice hates Gwen and barely puts up with her if made to.

  Now Gwen is the one being made to put up with Alice, and it’s a burden she has to carry if she wants to continue tricking Vivi into being proud of her.

  But she’s been trying to do that for hours. With zero progress. At this point, Gwen would settle for a mouth noise rather than Alice’s stomach grumbling or moving ever so slightly to make sure her body doesn’t hurt too much from inactivity.

  Maybe she needs to y it on more thickly. Try to make her feel guilty. So she does what is best for her, and more importantly, best for Gwen.

  “It’s really nice! Fey helped me make it. Zero additives—” She can’t help but wince at the fact she’s just hinted at something that really set Alice off before, because she doesn’t want to hurt her and make her angry again. “—or preservatives, just, you know, oranges. The juice is as fresh as it’s going to get, or well, it was an hour and a half ago—”

  Alice, realising that Gwen will keep talking at her until she gets some kind of reaction, offers just that. “I’ll drink the juice if you leave me alone.” She whispers, and Gwen is quite happy hearing that she’ll dri— that she wants Gwen to leave.

  “Sorry. I’m not allowed to go away. According to Vivi and Lulu, I need to sit here until you’ve finished your drink.” Normally Gwen wouldn’t listen. But she’s trying to manipute Vivi into praising her for work she only barely does, and that means she has to put at least a minimal amount of effort in. Especially because Vivi saying she’s proud of her is a whole experience, one she greedily wants to hoard for herself. She cried the first time Vivi said it. And the second, and the third, but she’s having an easier job handling it now. if she works hard, and she does now, the praise might even feel a little bit deserved despite being a total sociopath.

  “Please?” Alice begs.

  “Orders are orders, Alice.” Gwen grins, knowing Alice can’t see her face right now. She’s taking too much joy out of a cute girl’s suffering again, the suffering of having to deal with someone as wicked as her. “I have to sit here, with my little gss of juice, until you’ve had something to drink.”

  “Don’t you have other things to do?”

  “Yep! And it’s gonna be a much longer day if you don’t drink up quickly.” Gwen lies. She does have a few things left to do, yes, but they’re not exactly urgent. But Alice has a strong moral compass — much stronger than her own, certainly — and she is all too happy to use that against her if it means that her roommate will go along with what is clearly good for her.

  For Gwen, that is.

  “Um. Please?”

  “The door’s locked. I’m stuck with you just as much as you’re stuck with me.” Gwen adds. Lulu said earlier that it would help in convincing Alice of the fact that there really is no way she’s getting through the day without talking to Gwen: the sponsors think she should be talking to someone. Of the remaining options, she was the only one who Alice might talk to: Kelynen certainly tried.

  She wishes she could do more to cheer Alice up. She isn’t sure Alice would ever accept her as a friend, and she’s right to, but she can at least try to be a little helpful towards her when the girl seems to be struggling so much! It might be fake, it might be maniputive, but the girl needs that fantasy for now.

  “Vivi would be really annoyed with me if I didn’t find any time to help with making dinner today—”

  “Okay?” Alice whispers. “I don’t care about her dinner.”

  “Well, she does. Do you want her to get annoyed with me again? You might have missed this, but Vivi had me put in the time-out corner.” Gwen tries to not let her anger about that situation get to her head too much. She didn’t do anything wrong. Apparently, according to the sponsors, she was being too flirty with Elle, and Elle was getting rather much to handle even when she was not sharing a room with a girl implying a little too heavily that yes, she would want to, for example, have Elle kiss her, undress her, tie her up like a puppet, make her hit her, whip her, beat her until she feels immense pain, be left on the floor, frustrated, horny, unable to pleasure herself, cold and miserable, then be made to beg for mercy from the woman and not be given it because she, the abusive, maniputing piece of shit she is, deserves the pain and suffering—

  “Fine.” Alice sighs, breaking Gwen’s train of thought. “I’ll drink the stupid juice.”

  Gwen smiles and blushes, looking away for a second — for no reason in particur! — before going back to watching the girl in front of her, now sitting up and tenderly drinking from her gss.

  Alice looks miserable. More miserable than Gwen’s used to seeing her being. Less stuck in her own mind and afraid of her world, and more angry at the world and aware of the fact she’s completely helpless to do anything about it. Gwen wants to cheer her up — so she trusts her, and she can take advantage of her te — but still feels like she has to approach the situation cautiously. Alice is unpredictable, perhaps unaware of herself, and the st thing Gwen wants is to be yelled at again.

  Yes, Gwen might deserve it, but Alice is quite sweet if permanently anxious and being angry really doesn’t fit her.

  “So,” Gwen leans forward again, so she can better hear Alice whispering. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” Alice responds defensively. “I’m fine.”

  “You’ve spent the past two days in your bed.”

  “I’m fine.” She insists, putting her gss on the bedside table before she can spill it.

  Gwen inspects Alice again and thinks of a rather rude, if deserved, line. “If you’re fine, surely you could get back to work? Aoife could actually use some help, she said.”

  “I’m fine, but not fine.” Alice crifies. She doesn’t want to talk about it.

  “So, if Lulu asks me—”

  “No…” Alice whimpers. “Don’t tell her that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because,” Alice crosses her arms and looks away from her conversation partner. She seems very uncomfortable. “Why do you care?”

  “We’re roommates?” Now it’s Gwen’s turn to get a little defensive.

  “You’ve not always shown that care.” Alice seems bitter towards her and Gwen revels in finally getting what she deserves.

  “Unlike you?” She pushes her more. Baits her into being angry at her.

  “Well—”

  “And you know what?”

  Alice stares bnkly at Gwen, blindsided by the question.

  “I’ve forgiven you,” Gwen tries to smile as genuinely as she can, forcing Alice to drop her eye contact. “Because I know you can be nice.”

  “No.” Alice rolls back under her covers. “I can’t be.”

  Great job Gwen. You’ve hurt her again, dumbass.

  “Why not?”

  “Because.” She whispers. “Fucking because, okay?”

  “Why do you feel that way?”

  “Gwen—”

  “—I want to know—"

  “—Please—”

  “—Because I care about you—”

  “—You should stop caring—”

  “—and I hate seeing you suffering like this.”

  “Why?” Alice shouts. “Why do you fucking care?”

  “Because I think I like you, okay?” Gwen whispers comfortable lies. “I think I’ve gotten attached to you and want you to like me the way I like you, because I’m a stupid lesbian disaster.”

  Alice stares at her and lets the silence drag on for what feels like hours.

  “Don’t lie.” Alice is the first to speak. “I don’t believe it.”

  “I’m not lying.” Gwen has to try to hold back her emotions. Yes, she deserves people being angry at her, but—

  “It’s some kind of cruel joke.” The girl across from her sneers. “Nobody likes me.”

  “Plenty of people do! Me, for example.” Why can’t she stop being dishonest?

  “They only pretend to.” Alice whispers. “They act like they like me and then hurt me as much as they can.”

  “Why do you think you know my feelings better than me?” Gwen responds. Alice sees right through her lies, but she’s committed now, and if Gwen’s honest with herself—

  “Because it doesn’t make sense. I’m this. I’m an ugly man. Look at these bones.” Alice points at her jaw. “You’re not going to fix that.” She looks away again. “I don’t have a personality. I don’t have hobbies. There’s nothing here, okay? I’m just another failed male, thinking that some oestrogen will fix him.”

  Gwen frowns. She considers her next words carefully. She’s seen enough of these arguments to know that they won’t lead anywhere: there is no way to logically argue Alice out of the position she finds herself in.

  If only she could make her believe it. Awful to see people stuck in such obvious self-hatred. Gwen, in her continuous failure, is rather hypocritical in those feelings. Another reason to hate her.

  She looks at Alice. Looks at her fluffy, messy, but beautiful nutbrown hair. Looks at her face, frozen in a sulk-like state. Her cheeks have always been amazing to see, often red as they are. As much as she thinks her face is horrible, Gwen’s always found it rather lovely: her eyes, particurly, with the way she will shily look at the people around her and wish she was them. Alice's hands, now already starting to soften, in hers.

  Sometimes you need to act out a fantasy to make someone else feel better.

  She pulls Alice up to a sitting position, puts a hand under her chin, stares a little more into her eyes and pces a kiss on the girl’s lips, one that Alice returns.