Intern’s Log: I Return Home, and Bandit Asks Why I’m Walking Funny

  Date: [Somewhere Between "I Need a Nap" and "I Need a Therapist"]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have seen too much.)

  So.

  I got abducted by an alien.

  I got probed by an alien.

  I convinced the alien to drink Earth alcohol as a coping mechanism.

  And now?

  Now I’m back.

  Back in the bear-raccoon warlord kingdom that I inexplicably helped create.

  Back in Bandit’s stolen military fortress, which is looking suspiciously more organized than when I left.

  And back under the scrutiny of a very smug trash panda.

  Who immediately noticed something was wrong.

  Phase One: The Moment I Knew I Was in Trouble

  I had barely stepped through the door before Bandit appeared out of nowhere, as he always does.

  He took one look at me.

  Paused.

  Grinned.

  "Reynolds, my dear, long-suffering friend."

  I exhaled sharply.

  "Bandit, not now."

  "Why are you walking funny?"

  Goddammit.

  Phase Two: How Do I Explain Alien Probing to a Raccoon Warlord?

  I tried to brush past him.

  Bandit, being Bandit, did not let me.

  "Did something happen to you while you were away?" he asked, gleefully following me.

  "I don’t want to talk about it."

  "Ohhh, but I do."

  I kept walking.

  He kept following.

  "Come now, Reynolds. You disappear, come back limping, and you expect me not to be curious?"

  I stopped walking.

  Turned.

  Looked him dead in his smug little face.

  And said, very carefully:

  "I was abducted by aliens."

  He blinked.

  Then grinned wider.

  "And?"

  I clenched my jaw.

  "And… they probed me."

  Bandit dropped his stolen military cap and collapsed onto the floor laughing.

  Phase Three: The Worst Conversation of My Life

  I let him wheeze on the floor for a full minute.

  Then I stepped over him and kept walking.

  "Ohhhh, no no no, we are not skipping past this!" he gasped, scrambling to follow me.

  "We absolutely are."

  "Was it the usual probe? Or was it a special probe?"

  This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

  "Bandit, I swear to God—"

  "Did you enjoy it?"

  I stopped walking again.

  Slowly turned to face him.

  "Do you want me to start modifying raccoons for medical testing?" I asked flatly.

  His grin dropped immediately.

  "Alright, alright, sore subject, moving on."

  Thank. God.

  Phase Four: The Part Where Bandit is Too Smart

  I made it exactly three steps before he started again.

  "So…" he mused, stroking his chin like a cartoon villain.

  "What exactly did they want from you?"

  I sighed.

  "They wanted to know why humanity is so good at accelerating evolution."

  He perked up immediately.

  "Oh. That’s simple."

  "Oh, is it?"

  "Yes. Humans have no self-preservation instincts and an insatiable desire to see what happens when you push the big red button."

  I blinked.

  Then pointed at him.

  "That. That right there is why you exist."

  "And you’re welcome!"

  I hate him.

  Phase Five: The Existential Crisis Neither of Us Wanted

  "Alright," I muttered, rubbing my face. "The alien—Zil-Vatek—he said something else."

  Bandit tilted his head.

  "Something… interesting?"

  "Yeah. He said that because of all this—you, the bears, the Good Boys, the uplifted species—humanity has basically pinged the universe as a rising power."

  Bandit frowned slightly.

  "Which means?"

  "Which means, Bandit… we’re about to get noticed by things that don’t think of us as equals."

  There was a rare moment of silence.

  Then Bandit…

  Smirked.

  "Oh. Good."

  I blinked.

  "Good?! Bandit, this is bad!"

  "No, no, my dear long-suffering friend, this is fantastic! Because it means we are no longer ignored!"

  "Bandit—"

  "It means we are a factor. A player on the board."

  I groaned.

  "It means we have to win."

  And there it was.

  The real reason Bandit was excited.

  Not because he was happy about the danger.

  But because now?

  Now, he gets to play against something bigger.

  Phase Six: The Beer I Desperately Needed

  After several minutes of arguing, I gave up.

  Went to the stolen liquor cabinet.

  Pulled out a bottle of vodka, because the Russians did get something right.

  Bandit grabbed his own drink.

  We sat in silence for a long moment.

  Then, finally, Bandit said:

  "Reynolds."

  "Yeah?"

  "I am glad you came back."

  I sighed.

  "Thanks, Bandit."

  "But also, the probing thing is hilarious, and I’m never letting it go."

  I threw my empty glass at him.

  End Log.