Intern’s Log: Evelyn and I Are Getting Closer, and a Drunk Alien Just Showed Up Offering Anal Probes

  Date: [Why Me?]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I was having a moment. A nice moment. And then the universe ruined it.)

  So.

  Somehow, against all odds, things were actually going… well?

  ? Evelyn and I were getting closer.

  ? She is disturbingly into everything happening around us, but I kind of like that.

  ? For the first time in forever, I wasn’t running from some horrifying crisis.

  And then?

  Then a drunk alien showed up offering anal probes.

  Because of course that’s what happens in my life.

  Phase One: A Moment of Peace (That Lasted Exactly Two Minutes)

  Evelyn and I were sitting by the water.

  It was…

  Nice.

  ? No Bandit.

  ? No scheming.

  ? No sudden scientific disasters.

  ? Just us, drinks in hand, actually talking like normal people.

  I was finally letting myself relax.

  And then a bright, flickering blue light appeared behind us.

  I groaned.

  "No. Not now."

  Evelyn just smirked.

  "Should I be concerned?"

  "Yes. Absolutely yes."

  And then, before I could do anything, a portal opened.

  And Zil-Vatek stumbled through.

  Drunk.

  Very, very drunk.

  Holding a glowing probe.

  "REEEEYYYYYNOLLLLDS!" he slurred.

  "I COME BEARING GIIIIIFTS!"

  I hate my life.

  Phase Two: The Part Where Evelyn Meets My Drunk Alien Abductor

  Evelyn raised an eyebrow.

  "Is this the alien that probed you?"

  I buried my face in my hands.

  "Yes."

  "Huh. He’s shorter than I expected."

  Zil-Vatek wobbled dramatically.

  "EXCUSE YOU, HUMAN FEMALE, I AM PERFECTLY SIZED FOR MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY."

  Evelyn sipped her drink.

  "Uh-huh."

  "I SHALL PROVE IT WITH SCIENCE!"

  And then he waved the probe around wildly.

  I ducked immediately.

  "NOPE. NOPE. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS."

  Phase Three: The Alien Has Had Too Much to Drink

  "How… how are you drunk?" I demanded.

  Zil-Vatek giggled.

  ALIENS DO NOT GIGGLE.

  "I CONSUMED BEER AS PER YOUR HUMAN CUSTOMS!"

  The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

  "Oh god."

  "AND THEN WHISKEY!"

  "Oh god."

  "AND THEN A DRINK CALLED RUM! I HAVE ASCENDED, REYNOLDS!"

  I turned to Evelyn.

  "Do you see what my life is like?"

  She just grinned.

  "I like him."

  OF COURSE SHE DOES.

  Phase Four: The Alien Has… Concerns?

  Zil-Vatek wobbled onto a nearby chair.

  "So. So. Listen. Listen, Reynollllllds."

  "I’m listening."

  "I gotta. Gotta tell ya."

  "Oh god."

  "THERE’S SOMETHING OUT THERE, MAN."

  I paused.

  Because his voice suddenly got serious.

  "What?"

  "Ssssome… thing. Some… THINGS. And the Galactic Council. Pffft. PFFFFFFT. They don’t care! BUT I CARE, REYNOLDS. I CARE!"

  I felt a chill creep down my spine.

  Because even drunk, Zil-Vatek had never been wrong before.

  Phase Five: The Part Where I Realize He’s Not Joking

  "Alright," I muttered. "What kind of things?"

  Zil-Vatek leaned in close.

  "The kind that… that waits. That listens."

  I didn’t like that.

  I didn’t like any of that.

  Evelyn, still sipping her drink, finally spoke.

  "Waits for what?"

  Zil-Vatek turned to her, suddenly very, very serious.

  "For you to grow."

  The hair on my arms stood up.

  Phase Six: The Drunken Warning That I Will Definitely Not Forget

  "Look," Zil-Vatek mumbled, rubbing his temples.

  "I tried to warn them. Galactic Council doesn’t care. They never care. They think uplifted species are a human problem."

  I felt my stomach drop.

  "And what do you think?" Evelyn asked.

  He stared at her.

  Then at me.

  Then at the sky.

  "I think…" he muttered.

  "I think they’re waiting to see if you’re worth fighting for… or consuming."

  I said nothing.

  Because what the hell do you say to that?

  Phase Seven: The Alien Passes Out, and I Need Another Drink

  Zil-Vatek swayed.

  Took a deep breath.

  And then collapsed into the sand.

  "Oh, good," Evelyn muttered. "He’s asleep."

  I just stared at his unconscious body.

  Then at my drink.

  Then at Evelyn.

  "I need something stronger."

  She laughed.

  "I don’t think that’s going to help you."

  She was probably right.

  Final Thoughts (Everything is Worse Now)

  ? Zil-Vatek got drunk and showed up with a probe.

  ? Evelyn met him and was not phased. This is concerning.

  ? He warned us that something is watching.

  ? Something that waits for species to grow.

  ? And the Galactic Council is ignoring it.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  We are running out of time.

  End Log.