28th May 2012

  The ndlord was more than a little generous in his description, with ‘newly renovated’ doing a lot of heavy lifting. But the former two-up-two-down terrace with a tiny bathroom crammed on the back upstairs was not terrible, even if renovation really meant he’d spshed magnolia paint on every surface. The burned out car somewhat blocking the footpath out of the dead end of the street didn’t fill Charlie with confidence, but the ndlord was happy to take cash and get references ter. So they signed a contract for three months and Charlie fell, fully clothed, onto the bed, where she’d instantly dropped off to sleep.

  She woke the next morning to find Jess rapidly demolishing a bowl of rice krispies, her ptop perched precariously on the arm of the chair and tethered to her mobile phone. Spotting Charlie, she waved her spoon at the outside and mumbled, “We made friends.”

  Charlie wandered over to the window and peered out. A couple of men were perched on the crumbling wall, chatting to a third person. It took a moment for Charlie to recognise the situation, before she turned to Jess and excimed slightly too loudly, “Oh shit! That’s a drug deal!”

  “Yeah! Should mean we get protection. Or at least, house does.”

  “But! But! The police!” Charlie paced anxiously around the room. “I can’t.. I can’t be…” words had given way to hyperventition.

  It took a few minutes for Jess to calm Charlie down enough to get her to at least not colpse.

  “I,” she sucked in a breath, “I can’t be involved with anything illegal.”

  “Muh. You’re not involved, are’ya? They’re just out there doing their shit, and we’re in here doing ours. Cops ask anyfing’n’ you just say you didn’t see anyfing.”

  Eventually Charlie was swayed by Jess’s arguments – although she then switched to panicking internally about what Jess might be wondering about her from her minor breakdown and what she then might move on to figuring out about her. She was going to have to work on that, especially because, even from the brief gnce she’d seen while Jess was scarfing down cereal, the woman had enough computer proficiency that Charlie should be careful around her. It was slowly dawning on her that she knew nothing about this woman she’d moved in with. She tried to push that to the back of her head as she moved her focus on to pressing day-to-day challenges. Just little things like ‘I need to get to the pce I’m meant to start work at’ and ‘I suppose I should eat.’

  “Um, I don’t s’pose that there’s any more cereal?”

  “Yeah, ‘s in the kitchen. Milk’s in the fridge. Should talk ‘bout bills,” Jess mumbled before disappearing back into her computer.

  It took most of the morning and borrowing Jess’ phone, but Charlie arranged delivery of the remaining few belongings she had in storage, then she ran out on a shopping spree so she had actual, non-holiday clothes to wear. Finally she grabbed her motorbike from its storage. Her arrival in full leathers put a wolfish grin on Jess’ face. The reaction again reminded Charlie how little she knew about Jess, other than that she was gorgeous, and maybe she was interested?

  And waving a wad of notes at her.

  “Fer rent’n bills’n whatever. If you dun’ mind?” She smiled and fpped the pile of notes again. “I split it in half. ‘sume tha’s okay.”

  “Um, will this be a regur thing?!” Charlie stared at the money, her hand had automatically started reaching for the offered cash, but stopped in mid-air.

  “Well, y’know. I’m a consultant.” Charlie hadn’t known that. Although something about the way Jess emphasised ‘consultant’ made her wary. “Some companies prefer to pay in cash – uh – for the kinds of services I provide.” She waved her hand again. Charlie watched from outside as her hand reached out to take the cash. What the hell was she doing? It was pretty clear the kinds of work that Jess did could get her into trouble, and getting sucked in was the st thing Charlie needed. But there was just something about her.

  “Are you trying to under money through me?! No. Wait. Different question – why’re you telling me this?” Charlie fiddled unconsciously with the notes now in her hand. “We’ve not known each other long and – look, I’m not stupid. I don’t want to know what it is, but whatever you’re doing is not exactly legal, is it?”

  Jess gazed steadily at her. “‘m a good judge of character.” She grinned a broad grin. “Oh, ‘an I looked you up. While you were out. Checked’n shit. You are a squeaky clean girl, intcha.” Charlie watched an unreadable look cross Jess’ face while desperately trying to maintain her own poker face. Please don’t let this woman have destroyed in a few hours all she had worked for. “‘n yet, here you are. ‘s odd. ‘s almost in-ex-plicable. So I’m taking a punt. I think you’re more interesting than your history.” Jess grinned again, offering Charlie a look that suggested mischief. “Oh, an’ you’re cute, so that helps.”

  Charlie hid her blush by fleeing the room and, much to her own consternation, found herself shouting “Yeah, cash’ll be fine. I’ll sort it.”

  —

  “Not a-bloody-gain.” Charlie peeked through the curtains and sighed. Her bike was snagged halfway out of the garden gate, side panel hanging off, cut wires dangling like unruly hair, and the massive chain she’d installed after the third attempt at theft was taught against its bolts. “I wouldn’t mind so much if they were competent, but all they keep doing is making me te or ruining an otherwise good morning.” She started unceremoniously yanking on clothes.

  “Yeah, we were fucked when the dealers left. We ‘ad protection before.” Jess’ muffled voice got louder as she climbed the stairs and nudged the door open. “At least ‘ave your tea first. ‘S not like you’re at work today.” She paused, a smile slowly appearing on her lips. “‘n once the bike’s back in the garden– ” Jess’ impish glee was infectious, “Maybe you could come back to bed. ‘ve got an idea how to fix the morning.” She’d slipped her nightie off her shoulder, and lent seductively against the bed before slowly climbing onto it.

  “Jess… I – Oh fuck it.” Charlie pulled off her half-on jeans and, ughing, hopped onto the bed. “C’mere you.” She slowly slid Jess’ nightie up, pnting a succession of kisses and stroking her bare skin as she did so. Jess id back, stretching herself out. Her sudden yelp brought Charlie’s strokes to a screeching halt. “Shit? Did I do something wrong?” Charlie panicked briefly before following Jess’ pointing arm.

  “Uh, you threw my shirt in your tea.”

  Charlie gnced over at her bedside table and the tea now pouring down into the drawers and down the side. “Shit!” she excimed, dashing for the bathroom. “Fuck! I need a towel! Why haven’t we got any clean towels?!”

  “You could use a dirty one.” Jess yelled back as she hopped over, grabbing a box of tissues before pulling the drawers out and mopping up the tea. When Charlie ran back in, towels in hand, she found Jess sitting on the bed, staring at the door. Gone was her usual bubbly persona. Jess tossed the towels aside, then slowly took Charlie’s hands in hers.

  “I wanna to ask you somethin’, but before I do, I gotta tell you somethin’. ‘N I’m trusting you wi’ this.”

  She stared intensely at Charlie.

  “Okay.” Charlie gave Jess’ hands a reassuring squeeze.

  “Y’ know wha’ intersex is?” A nod from Charlie. “Yeah. Well.” She paused for a second, but the hesitation felt much longer, “I’m i-s, but… they gave me a bunch of operations as a kid, ‘n assigned me as a male, before I could make a decision about anything.” She spit the words out with venom. “They made me be a boy. Right. An’ I never was. An’ they kept pushing.”

  Charlie squeezed her hands again and waited for Jess’ eyes to meet hers.

  “I’m so sorry that happened to you… It sounds fucking awful. For what it’s worth, I don’t…care, if that’s the word. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

  “Yeah. Well. I’m tellin’ you because we’re together. We should be honest wi’ each other. But tha’s not the only reason I’m tellin’ ya. A while ago I noticed somethin’ about…you.”

  Charlie’s heart skipped several beats and the room got very, very hot. The whole world started swimming in front of her. She tried to swallow but her mouth was suddenly arid. Years and years building a life and a few fucking nights of… well, fucking, and everything was colpsing.

  Jess was still talking. Charlie managed to find enough of herself to mentally crawl back and apologetically ask Jess to repeat what she had just said. Jess took a moment and looked at her.

  “I know you said you’re not trans, lovely. Just a really good ally.” She smiled a slightly sad smile. “Charlie, hon’, did you have any operations as a kid?”

  The uncharacteristic sensitivity was making this endlessly worse. How many lies was she going to have to tell this woman who’d just bared something so personal to her. This woman that she’d come to care about. Charlie felt for a moment like throwing up.

  “Uh, no. Just… my appendix.” She tried to smile, but her face suddenly felt wrong. Charlie let the smile slide away.

  “I know your ‘rents died, hon, but y’might wanna ask for your records.”

  “Well, there’s just some marks, right?”

  “Yeah. Well, that and…you’re on HRT, right?”

  This time Charlie really did throw up. Sprinting from the room, she cwed her hair out of the way before her toast met the toilet. And Jess was there, moments ter, perched on the step down into the bathroom. Trying to find some bance, Charlie focused on the stupid little step. It was just enough to trip you when you left the room. She’d sworn at it most days. The whole back of the house was clearly a ter addition and whoever built it clearly hadn’t bothered with niceties like making the floor line up with the rest of the building. It wasn’t even a full step down. Just a few centimetres off caused by truly careless building. She stared intently at that, and not at the woman perched there.

  How did she find out? Charlie specifically researched and found HRT that was once-a-month slow release estrogen. Had it made by a biochemist friend. She’d stuck with it after transitioning because, well, it was better than the shite the NHS doled out. And she swore she’d hidden it well enough that Jess wouldn’t see it. Oh fuck. Jess was looking in her drawers.

  “Um. Yeah. I…had a hysterectomy.” The lie felt a thousand – no, a million times worse than she imagined.

  Jess looked at her for a moment before she held up Charlie’s spare vial of Estradiol Undecyte and said, “This stuff don't come from the NHS, sweetie. The tea was goin’ everywhere. An’ when I pulled your drawer out...” She trailed off, tapping the vial gently against her leg and waiting for some kind of answer.

  Charlie slumped, her back against the wall, hiccup-crying. She didn’t know Jess well enough to tell the truth. She didn’t - hadn’t - pnned to tell anyone the truth. All she had at the moment were tears, and Jess, slowly walking over and sitting just in front of her. Her hands out and there for her to take. Being fucking gentle. Not taking Charlie’s hands. Not invading her space. Just there if she wanted them. Fuck. How did this go so wrong so quickly? An actual retionship with a human. A human she might care about. Something Charlie really hadn’t prepared for.

  Extemporizing desperately, Charlie said something about not getting on with HRT. Liver problems. And she got a fancy private endocrinologist who recommended this ancient once-a-month injection. Charlie prayed Jess wouldn’t decide to research it, because the drug’d been discontinued for a while and expining that would be - frankly - impossible. Although it’d also mean she’d have to tell the truth, which might be a relief.

  Jess looked at her. It was that she doesn’t really believe a word of it, the disappointment writ clearly on her face. But she just let it slide, “When you’re ready to tell me the truth, I’m here.”

  Charlie slumped even further as Jess quietly walked out of the room.

  –

  Much to her own astonishment, despite yet another round of hastily completed post-yet-another-attempted-theft repairs, Charlie’s bike had made it to – and back from – the interview for the job she so desperately needed. And, if she was honest with herself, was intrigued by. Noah was quirky as hell, and getting to be a sysadmin and still ride some of the time felt perfect. “Guess who’s gainfully employed again!” she shouted as she dumped her helmet unceremoniously on the floor and started peeling off her jacket.

  Turning round she found Jess leaning against the living room door frame, with an excited ‘I need to tell you something’ look. Before Charlie could say anything, Jess started bouncing on her heels and decred that her other ft – the one that she’d been renting out – had been freed up, and they could move in, if Charlie was okay with it. She hopped from foot to foot impatient for an answer as Charlie realised that both she and Jess had a lot they didn’t know about each other.

  “How many fts do you own?” Charlie asked, startled.

  “Uh, just one now. I ‘ad two, but th’ other one burned down.”

  “And you didn’t think to mention this before…?”

  “Well, I ‘ad renters in it…innit.” she grinned at her own pun.

  Charlie sighed, and was preparing for another volley of questions before suddenly thinking back to her own stock of secrets. Perhaps she shouldn’t push too much.