Malus Story 4. Audentes Fortuna Iuvat1Fortune favours the boldIt's a night like many other. After a bountiful dinner, at which i maybe ate a bit too much, i think it would be a great idea to go at the local tavern to drink a beer or two with the company of my subjects. As i leave the throne room i am approached by the beautiful Fr?nze, the captain of the guards.

  "Your highness, where are you going?"

  I can see worry on her face. I give her a smile.

  "I'm going out for a drink or two. Nothing to worry."

  "Nothing to worry? Alcoholism seems to go rampant tely! Especially in your court. Even the guards are starting to drink!"

  I decide to calm her budding anger.

  "I gave them permission, don't worry. They need to wind up after a long day of work, don't they?"

  "Yes... But not with alcohol!"

  "Alcohol is the best to help you rex. Trust me."

  I reassure her, but that don't seem enough to calm her down.

  "Then let me accompany you!"

  I start to feel annoyed by her senseless worry.

  'Can't i just have some time alone? I'm the baron, for the emperor's sake!'

  "What kind of problems do you think i'll find in a simple tavern..."

  My tone ends up being slightly condescending.

  "Brawls are quite common in taverns."

  I give her an annoyed look

  "I'm the baron. My subjects won't dare to brawl if i'm there too."

  She persists with her stupid endeavour.

  'I'm happy to have such a zealous guard, but she sees problems everywhere...'

  "Once they're drunk they don't think straight. Don't you see how my colleague Oktavian behaves?"

  That name don't ring me any bell.

  'Who's Oktavian'

  "Oh... But i'm not like him, i have self control."

  "He says the same."

  I'm fed up with her.

  "Captain. I'm the baron! I'll go drink at my preferred tavern and you can't stop me. Since you are so worried about my safety, go patrol the gardens to avoid thieves going in. And no buts!"

  The redhead in front of me scoffs. She looks dejected.

  "Fine."

  As soon as she's leaving, i manage to remember that it was indeed true that some guards picked up my same pasttime.

  "However... Thinking this through... You're right, i'll bring a couple of guards with me, just to be safe."

  The girl nods.

  "I request to join you in your trip, your highness."

  I am annoyed by her stubborness.

  "You'll do as i've told you. I know other guards as capable as you."

  "But if i join too-"

  As i'm losing my patience, an great idea strikes my mind.

  "No, captain. You are indispensable here. Without me here, you're role as the captain of the guard is one of the highest here. I need your strength here to defend the castle and to bring order in this pce, while my other councillors bring order on the rest of the baronate. Do you understand."

  She nods. However, she don't seem too much convinced by my speech.

  "I understand you don't want me around. At least be sure to bring someone competent, not people like Schr?der and Krüger... they started to become like Oktavian tely. They've not reached his level as far as alcoholism is concerned, yet i see them frequently loitering around tely, disregarding their duty."

  "Captain. Trust my judgement. I'll pick the best guards around. Other than you, of course. Someone of your rank should do more important things than watch over me going in a tavern."

  She scoffs, finally leaving me alone. I may have not persuaded her, but i've still won our verbal sparring through attrition. I also leave the room soon after, with a smirk on my face.

  "Bartender, give everyone a mug of beer. Put everything on my tab."

  A thunderous cheer rises in the tavern as the clientele hear my words.

  "Hahahaha... People love me, don't they? Schr?der, Krüger, my loyal guards, do you love me too?

  "Yes, your highness."

  The couple of guards reply synchronously. I am feeling all the warmth from the tavern's clients and i'm loving all of it. I impatiently wait for the drink to be served. I start to tap on the counter with my fingers. Soon, the beer arrives. I drank it all in one big sip. My loyal guards did the same.

  "Ah... Sweet nectar... I'm sure that our lovely captain would have ruined such beatiful moment with her presence..."

  "Right. She's too strict to us. What's wrong with a rexing night of drinking?"

  "True."

  "Bartender, Another one for each of us! "

  The lively atmosphere makes pleasurable even the time wasted in waiting. That and a beautiful maid that is walking behind us, who are sitting at the counter. I turn my head towards her.

  "Hey, beauty. Have people ever told you that your beautiful?"

  My charm apparently failed, as she throws an annoyed gaze at me and walked away. That, however, don't sour my mood, as soon another mug of beer is delivered to me and my guards.

  I slowly... get up from my stool...

  'My head hurts... My bdder is full...'

  I slowly... Turn around... The guards... Are sleeping on... the counter...

  "Bartender... Where's the bathroom?"

  "It's on your right. you can see the sign."

  "Quietly please!"

  I reach the bathroom... Teetering all the way... I'm starting to feel cold... I enter... Trying not to fall down. I open... One of the stalls... And i start peeing... I can't really... see well where i'm aiming. As i'm... Doing my... Physiological need... I hear something... Talking nearby...

  "Geez, my shit sure stinks today!"

  'This... Is not something... I'm interested hearing.'

  "Could... You... Not talk about your bodily functions?"

  I hear a big *Sm*... That almost makes... My ears explode.

  "EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW HOW MUCH MY SHIT STINKS! IT MAKES ME PROUD!"

  'What reasoning... is behind it? Why... Such thing would... Make her proud?'

  As i... Finish spshing everything... In front of me... I realize that the voice... Was a female one.

  'Did i went... In the wrong bathroom'

  "Excuse me, miss... Is this the women's bathroom?"

  "The fuck are you saying! This is the men's bathroom!"

  "Huh? Then why... Are you here?"

  "BECAUSE I'M MORE OF A FUCKING MAN THAN MANY OF SO CALLED 'MEN'! LIKE YOU, YOU FUCKING TWINK!"

  I slowly... Turn my head... I see... A greatsword... Raising over... The bathroom stall's door... And the tter... Soon... Getting torn open... I stumble backwards... Wetting my pants... With pee i myself spilled all over. She's slowly approaching... raising her greatsword again... I'm trying to... Get up... Ag-

  "Gee... If i knew i would have fucking waited to shit..."

  ---

  The next morning, in a two story mansion, two men were arguing while sitting at a table at the first floor. One of them was worried while the other was annoyed.

  "Our gains aren't very high boss... I thought svery would have been more lucrative..."

  "Shut up René. I know what i'm doing. I'm still choosing the right clientele. I need to get the right people first to endorse my activity... And then i'll be able to get the trust of the baron first and of the marquess ter... And then things will grow exponentially!"

  "I hope so..."

  A *Sm* was suddenly heard.

  "I'VE GOT A FUCKING NEW DECORATION!"

  The boss was annoyed. He swiftly stood up.

  "WHO THE HELL LEFT HER TO HER OWN DEVICES!"

  "It was obviously Patricia, boss. She was the one who was in charge of her."

  "WHERE IS SHE, ACTUALLY? I HAVEN'T SEEN HER TODAY!"

  The subordinate scratched his head.

  "She accompanied your cousin when she left yesterday's night. She shirked her duties for some reasons."

  "She's an idiot! She knew that leaving that moronic, good for nothing cousin of mine meant unlimited chaos! Still, i wonder what she took as a decoration."

  As he said that, the woman opened the room's door and threw a disembodied head on the table. The sver's and his subordinate's expression were of pure shock.

  "THAT'S THE BARON'S HEAD! YOU KILLED THE BARON! YOU IDIOT!"

  "The who?"

  The woman was confused.

  "THE BARON! THE FUCKING RULER OF THIS PLACE!"

  The woman smiled, giving her a moronic expression.

  "I've fucking killed the fucking ruler of this fucking pce? That means i'm the new fucking ruler! HOORAY!"

  "THAT'S WRONG! THE BARON IS CHOSEN BY THE MARQUESS, OR IF HE HAS HEIRS, THEN THEY GET THE PLACE INSTEAD! AS HE WAS SINGLE NOW THE PLACE IS VACANT! YOU IDIOT!"

  The woman became angry again.

  "THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! I KILLED THE BOSS, NOW I'M THE BOSS!"

  "IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

  "IT'S FUCKING WRONG!"

  The woman smmed her own head on the table, making a hole where the hit nded. Seeing that, René left in a hurry, running away.

  "I... Just remebered... I have to... Fertilize the cats... Bye..."

  Meanwhile, the sver started to think.

  'STUPID RELATIVE OF MINE! She killed the baron, now i can't really increase my reputation here! The baron was needed! I have to act fast! Think, Adelbert, think...'

  The man started to search the room, until he managed to pick up a paper from inside a drawer under an empty bookshelf. He started writing.

  *Dear your highness the Marquess.

  It's with great pain that we inform your subordinate, Baron Liutbrand von Kirsch-Tarte, have perished after attempting to physically and sexually assault miss Domizia Gef?ngnis, my dear cousin, who accidentally entered in the wrong bathroom of a simple tavern. We would like to apologize to your highness for the death of your dear subordinatel. I hope you don't bear any grudge against us.

  Signed.

  Adelbert Gef?ngnis*

  'I hope the marquess is fooled by this letter. Maybe he can even give us some compensation... Or he can execute my stupid cousin... Either way, i may be able to gain something... I'm so smart...'

  "The fuck are you writing?"

  The woman was watching with a confused expression.

  "I'm just trying to protect our asses, since someone i know have killed the man i was trying winning the favour of. And i can still guarantee nothing for us."

  "I'm a strong woman, i can protect myself."

  "Sure... I'm sure you can defend yourself against an entire army."

  "I fucking know, right?"

  The woman failed to catch the sarcasm from his cousin's words.

  "I'm going to send this letter, You..."

  The man got up, pointing at the dy.

  "... Keep René company, and..."

  He pointed at the head on the table.

  "Put that in the trash."

  "Sure, cousin..."

  'The fuck i'll put my souvenir in the trash...'

  The man took the letter and left the room, and so did the woman, from another door, after taking the disembodied head of the former baron and starting to clumsily juggling with it.

  Some days ter.

  Adelbert Gef?ngnis was reading a book: "The alpha male and the many sluts that submit to him and make him dinner" ying on a couch in a room on the ground floor of the mansion. His face had a scivuous expression.

  'Go alpha male! Punish that stupid whore who thought she was stronger than you only because she trained all her life to become an S-rank adventurer while you got unlimited power because the god found you sympathetic.'

  *Knock Knock*

  The man heard the sound and quickly got up, putting the book on a nearby coffee table. He took his time to reach the door. He opened the door as soon as he heard another couple of knocking sounds.

  "There's a letter for you, mister Gef?ngnis."

  The man took the letter and smmed the door at the mailman. He ripped the mail's envelope open and read the letter.

  *Dear nobody.

  You had courage to tell me such things. Since one of my trusted man decided to assault a dy, i think it's only fair to compensate your cousin by making her the new baroness.

  His excellency

  The Marquess*

  A devious smile appeared on the man's face. He started roaming the mansion, calling for her cousin.

  "DOMIZIA, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

  His search was interrupted when he opened a door and he managed to dodge a flying gss bottle of vodka, which shattered in contact with the wall behind the man.

  "THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!"

  Adelbert barely managed to hide his contempt.

  "I wanted to tell you that you're now the new baroness."

  The woman, who was lying on a couch, raised her torso.

  "WHAT DID I FUCKING TOLD YOU, YOU DIPSHIT!"

  "Calm down, it's a mere coincidence..."

  "I fucking don't care. I'M THE BARONESS NOW! EAT MY SHIT! IT'S AN ORDER YOUR HIGHNESS!"

  The woman mimicked the motion needed when someone is on the toilet.

  "Stop it, you lowlife. Just because you're now the ruler doesn't mean i have to take orders from you. You'll be a puppet ruler to cover our operation and distract the masses. You're free to do whatever you want as long as you don't interphere with my pn. Now go recim your throne. And..."

  The man noticed the disembodied head of the previous baron on the window sill.

  "GET RID OF THAT FUCKING HEAD!"

  "Shut up. It's fucking cool."

  Domizia said that as she got up from the couch, ready to leave the pce.