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Chapter 72: Putting the Donkey in Assassin

  I gazed out over the walls of King Eduard the Defenestrator's castle, standing on a balcony on the keep. Beyond it was the capital of Greenrivers, and there were all sorts of people moving around on horseback below. It was a practical flurry of activity outside.

  "You're worried, aren't you?" D?é??om's voice came into my head. "And I'm guessing it's not about your sweet 16?"

  "Of course I am, and of course it's not. That's a Spanish American thing," I replied. "All my plans, and everyone else's plans, have been getting carried out for a few weeks. But I have no idea if they'll succeed or not. Who wouldn't be nervous?"

  I looked at my hand. A sense of trepidation flowed through me.

  "The fate of everyone in Motteburh is up to me and my allies. But I'm not sure if we'll succeed. We could end up making the Motteburh nobles double down and become more oppressive. Or they could get overthrown and replaced by someone worse."

  "That is always a risk with things like this," D?é??om noted.

  Gazing at the capital, I let out a deep sigh.

  "I hate this, not knowing if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm just making a mistake," I said.

  D?é??om's voice turned sympathetic.

  "At least you have self-doubt. Often, it's the people who don't doubt for one second that they're right who make things worse in the end," he stated.

  "I know that," I shrugged. "But it doesn't help much."

  A knock came at the door of the room behind me. I turned towards the decorated area, velvet sheets everywhere. Another knock entered my ears, and I approached the door. Suspicion flowed through me. Who wouldn't just announce their presence after knocking?

  I stopped halfway from the door. Reaching for my new sword, which was embedded with even more runes than my last weapon, I called out.

  "Who is it?" I asked.

  There was a moment of silence. Then, a voice I didn't recognize came from the other side of the door.

  "Is Lady Astrid here?"

  "Who's asking?" I questioned.

  "Mr. Fucks. Mr. Fred Fucks, here to deliver her new sword to her."

  What?

  "Fred Fucks?" I wondered if these people were Isekai'd to this world too.

  "Yes, Fucks. Is a good Greenrivers name."

  A moment of silence passed.

  "You know that it's pronounced Fuchs, right?" I questioned.

  More silence.

  "Of course, I know! It is my name! Now, tell me if Astrid is in here!"

  I turned inward, casting a spell to give myself temporary extrasensory perception, a new trick I learned at the capital. Outside of the door were five men with swords. It appeared that Motteburh had assassins capable of getting past King Eduard's security.

  However, I doubted they were spellcasters. The Motteburh nobles probably wouldn't risk their lives on a mission like this. And their slave sorcerers wouldn't be trusted. At least, I think they wouldn't.

  "D?é??om, do you think I can take these guys?" I thought.

  "Probably, but you'd end up wrecking this room," the deity replied.

  "And rebuilding it would waste taxpayer funds that could be used for something else. But I also can't just let these guys leave this place if they're after Astrid, and they might be long gone by the time any guards get here if I call them."

  "I'm sure you know what to do," D?é??om said.

  Risk-analysis made. Decision come to. Yes, I did.

  "Yes, she's in here," I called out.

  There was a loud thump! Outside, a foot collided with the door. I expected it to fly in with an explosion of splinters. Instead, I heard a voice.

  "Ow! My foot! Fuck! That hurts!"

  "D?é??om," I thought.

  "Yes?" he asked.

  "King Eduard put wards on the castle doors, didn't he?"

  "He did. They're basically impossible to break through if you don't have super strength."

  Another thump!

  "Owww! My other foot! That was my favorite!"

  Well, this was stupid.

  "Here, let me try," another voice spoke.

  I heard another man walking to the door. Then, there was a banging noise.

  "My knee! I think I broke my knee!"

  "No! Not your groin-kicking knee!"

  "No, that's my other knee."

  There was another loud sound.

  "Dammit! I broke my groin-kicking knee!"

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  I pulled out my crystal ball as more of the assassins broke their bodies trying to kick open the door. Soon, I dialed a number. King Eduard answered.

  "What is it, Saint Gustav?" he asked.

  "There are some assassins outside of my door, here for Astrid," I replied. "They've been breaking their bones on your wards."

  "I will send some guards over. Keep the door locked."

  "It isn't locked."

  A moment of silence passed.

  "What do you mean, it isn't locked?" King Eduard questioned.

  "It's been unlocked all this time," I said. "The assassins could have just opened it and walked inside, but they never even tried."

  For a moment, I thought I heard my normally stoic and intimidating monarch chuckle. But that passed quickly.

  "Stay in your room until my men get here," he ordered in a lighter voice than before.

  Then, he hung up.

  A few moments later, I was in a cold, dark chamber deep underground. King Eduard was there, along with Queen Eleanor, Astrid, Johannes, a few knights, and someone I didn't recognize. This newcomer wore black robes.

  In front of us were the assassins, who all had broken legs. Well, broken was a bit of an understatement. Shattered might be a better word for them.

  "Tell me, who sent you to kill Astrid!" Johannes shouted, slamming his knee into one of the men's guts.

  His target coughed.

  "I'll never talk. Never!"

  "Damn you!"

  King Eduard placed a hand on Johannes' shoulder. The boy stopped in his tracks.

  "I understand your anger, Sir Knight," the monarch said. "If my queen were targeted, I would be furious too. However, it is best to leave matters like these to the professionals."

  Johannes stepped back. King Eduard snapped his fingers, and the man in black robes moved forward.

  "This is Robert. He is my best torturer," the monarch explained.

  "Hello," Robert waved to the prisoners. "Am I going to torture them like I did to that little trident shit?"

  "If they do not talk, you will," King Eduard said.

  I did not like the idea of torturing these guys. But I was also friends with Vlad Tepes, so I kept my mouth shut.

  "We will never talk!" one of the assassins declared.

  "Oh, yes you will!" Robert declared.

  He reached into his robes and pulled out...an empty scabbard for a throwing knife. Robert then threw the scabbard into the guy's forehead.

  "Tell me the code!" he ordered.

  "The...what?" the assassin asked, seeming genuinely confused.

  "Tell me the code!"

  Robert threw another scabbard into the guy's head.

  "There is no code!" the assassin declared.

  "Oh, won't talk, eh?" Robert questioned. "I have ways of dealing with people like you."

  "What ways?"

  He threw another scabbard into his head.

  "Tell me the code!"

  "There is no code!"

  I turned to King Eduard.

  "Is this what this guy does to torture people?" I asked.

  "It is the most basic of his methods," my king answered.

  Robert grabbed the prisoner he was interrogating by the hair. He yanked the guy's head up so they were looking into each others' eyes.

  "Still won't talk, will you?" Robert asked.

  "I will never betray my lady!" the assassin declared. "Whatever you can do won't be as bad as what she does to me if she finds out I talked!"

  Then Astrid, who had been sitting quietly all this time, spoke up. Her voice was filled with nervousness.

  "Your Majesty, I think he might never talk. As someone from Motteburh...I do not think you can match the cruelty their nobles treat treachery with. The only one who can is Voivode Dalv," Astrid said. "I do not mean to question you, but I do not wish to waste your time."

  Queen Eleanor turned to Astrid, giving her a reassuring smile.

  "Do not worry, Dame Knight. We will find out who tried to have you killed," the monarch stated.

  After some hesitation, Astrid spoke again.

  "Are you sure?"

  King Eduard nodded.

  "Yes. Voivode Dalv is a true master of terror tactics and the human mind. And the Motteburh nobles truly hold the fear of their subjects," he explained. "But Robert's methods are beyond cruelty and beyond fear. Robert might not seem like it, but his mind is perfect for a torturer."

  "Bring in the horse!" Robert shouted.

  The...what?

  King Eduard and Queen Eleanor stepped to the side. The rest of us followed their example. Several torturers' assistants approached us, moving down the hallways of the dungeon. They brought a horse with them.

  Except the horse wasn't being brought into the cell forwards. It was being backed into it. This was a very strange sight.

  My gaze turned to the prisoner. Robert was casting a spell that forced his victim's mouth open. The slow realization of what was happening filled my head. I saw the prisoner's eyes widen with terror as he figured out the same thing, with the horse's rear end slowly approaching his gaping maw.

  "You know, some people question my interrogation methods," Robert said with a sarcastic tone.

  He then leaned in close to the captive. Robert let his lower face move out of his robes, revealing a wide smile.

  "They say they're pretty shitty."

  Panic flashed through the captive's eyes.

  "No! No! Please, anything but that! I'll talk! I'll talk! Just don't...do that!"

  Robert held out a hand, and his men stopped the horse.

  "Tell me the code!" he ordered.

  "It's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5," the assassin revealed.

  "Now, tell me who send you to kill the girl!"

  "It was Duchess Ardone!"

  A massive, 'oh shit' look crossed Astrid's face. She rushed over to the assassin with panic in her eyes.

  "Duke Ardone sent you?" Astrid asked.

  "Yes! Yes, he did!" the assassin nodded so fast that I thought his head would fall off. "Duchess Ardone wants you dead! And he won't stop until he takes your head!"

  "Or until we take his," Johannes spoke up.

  His fists were clenched with anger. I was getting mad too. But more than that, I was worried. I'm sure Johannes was too. Astrid was trying to be strong, but I could tell that she was terrified.

  "Duchess Ardone, eh?" King Eduard pondered. "That is a name that I haven't heard in a long time."

  Queen Eleanor nodded.

  "Yes. But why does the Beast of Bodkin want Dame Astrid dead?" she questioned.

  That nickname was not a good sign.

  "She's...she's my cousin," Astrid spoke up with some hesitation.

  Her usually strong eyes were filled with terror. That was sending waves of fear down my own spine. Yes, Astrid was generally afraid of nobles, but this was on another level.

  "Duchess Ardone always considered my...common birth a disgrace to our family," Astrid explained. "And now that I serve a noble of Greenrivers, she has an excuse to put an end to that disgrace."

  I breathed a sigh of relief. It was exaggerated on purpose to help reassure Astrid. Johannes placed a hand on his lover's shoulder, seeing what I was doing.

  "Thank the gods, I was worried there for a moment," I said.

  "You should be worried," Astrid stated.

  She shivered.

  "You don't know what my cousin is capable of. She's...ruthless, cold, cunning, cruel, and looks down on commoners even by Motteburh noble standards."

  "Yes, but she's your cousin," I pointed out. "That means that I have a plan for how to deal with her."

  Astrid blinked in shock.

  "My Lord, you do?" she asked.

  "Yes. And I'm sure it'll work. Your cousin might be formidable, but she isn't a dragon or an insane weather-controlling mass murderer. I've dealt with worse than her," I answered.

  Astrid's fear abated slightly at that.

  "Now, why don't you and Johannes go and relax in the guard room with the knights?" I suggested.

  "Alright," Astrid nodded, shivering a little bit.

  As she and Johannes left the room, I wondered if Astrid had PTSD or some sort of lingering trauma? Maybe she wanted to be the world's best swordfighter out of some subconscious desire for protection or control? Or maybe she just liked swords.

  "You handled that well, Saint Gustav," Queen Eleanor spoke after the others were out of earshot.

  "Thank you, Your Majesty," I replied before bowing. "Now, do either of you have a plan for Astrid's cousin? I have no idea how we're going to deal with her, and I think I'm even more afraid than Astrid is."

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