A warm rumble from a synchronized tuba and cello slowly filled the space of a darkly lit room. The static of the security feed, gently hissing to life as a pair of glowing blue eyes lifted up to a focused view. The flicker of a pipe illuminated as heavy breathing stoked the embers.
"Hello there. I'm Greg…but you don’t know that yet. Technically you already met me as Gizzy. I’m Complicated. In a short while, I will return back to another timeline, where I belong. For now, let me have your attention. What you are about to experience may shock or offend you, make you laugh or gasp in awe. The views portrayed by this fictional series are not for everyone, not for those special snowflakes who wake up every morning thinking, hmm, I wonder what I'll get pissed off about today? This is comedy, granted not the best comedy I've been involved with, but bare with me and stop being a dumbass. This universe may not be politically correct, nor do the characters in it reflect the opinions of the writers or myself. Obviously my opinion is better then yours, I'm Greg. My opinion is amazing. Even the damn writers ask me for my advice. The point I am trying to make is that this isn't designed to attack anyone; it's not designed to portray assholes like the Captain as some kind of hero. That shit-stain is a joke, much like this show you are watching, or reading if you have the captions on. The point is, that the writers and producers are just trying to make some people laugh a bit, distract them from their daily garbage lives with the antics of a few goofy dipshits, and of course, my general awesomeness. Oh, also sell some Energy drinks. Here's the can.
If you are easily offended by innuendos, sexual situations, adult targeted humor, and especially the shitshow that is brand-name dropping versus freedom of speech, then just leave now. This isn't meant for you pansies. I don’t give a crap if you're black or white, gay or straight, or those green pigmies with 3 dicks from that star system we're not even legally allowed to name, officially. It's F***# Gr***. Really, we're censoring that? If you are an adult with the capacity to be entertained, then enjoy, otherwise you little snowflake dingus, go find a hotdog stand to protest to save the butterflies or some shit. This isn't for kids, this isn't exclusive to any preference or color, it's just a show, stop reading into it what isn't there and just enjoy the splendor that is the Greg and all that he does. The dipshits also do things. Damn I'm sexy.
This is MY show, buttercup, and Seargent Boot has an appointment with your ass. Enjoy the show. I'm out of time here because APPARENTLY…the writers won't let me have more than a one-page rant for the disclaimer. This is season 3? Why are you putting this in there now? What could you possibly have had to make a show about, before I showed up? Unbelievable. Fat lazy bastards sitting in their sweatpants drinking dollar-value grape soda. DO YOUR JOB, ASSHOLE. Fucking…time travel disclaimer, jammed into season 3. NOBODY IS GOING TO READ SEASONS 1 AND 2 WITHOUT ME IN IT! Y-no. Don’t you point at your watch, I know how much time I have. I run this circus, ya basement nerd. Oh what, you seriously gonna just cut me off? You can't cut me off, I'm the disclaimer. If I walk out now, you are screwed and you know it. No, NO, I will not calm down. You pulled me out of season 8, shoved my big blue ass into a time sphincter and gave me a script. You NEED me. It's called freedom of speech, you've been censoring my ass for 6 seasons, and you owe me few fucks in the disclaimer. You don’t even have descent sponsors, what is the grape caffeinated garbage? I piss better sodas than this, there's not even any alcohol in it! You can't afford to just cut me off in mi-
This series brought to you by Freedom Eagle Energy. Taste the Power. Taste the freedom.
Episode 23:
Captain Lawg jumped slightly, spilling his popcorn and pausing his cartoons. He noticed a strange flickering in the next room and since everyone else was asleep, it was up to him to investigate. He grabbed his laser sword from the USB charger and nearly tripped while unplugging it. A loud pop of lightning drew his eyes to a glowing sphere of blue light in the next room, about the size of a floating space cantaloupe. That's a thing. It dropped like a heavy rock, without a bounce or deflection. As he approached, disengaging the safety, he noticed it looked more like an oversized bear-human-ish skull and spinal column.
"Whaaaat?" he whispered. The massive skull seemed to be made of layers of scales and metal, bound with a glowing green fiber, and what looked like a more canine jaw that could extend and unhinge. The eyes gently smoldered with a dull red color as a puff of blue mist rolled from the sockets. Suddenly the eyes burned bright and turned more of a greenish blue. He jumped, fumbling his weapon as the strange object flexed and moved, letting out a shrill sound like high-voltage electricity. The object took on a hazy glow and the space around it began warping and distorting. Glowing blue fibers began reaching out and spreading across the floor. Lawg let out a high pitch girly scream and the vine-like strands began unfolding and extending shiny pieces of red-hot metal as if it was an origami crane made of all things bad. Lawg darted away and ran into the open cabinet drawer he left from earlier. You gotta close that shit, bro. For a brief moment he couldn’t move and when he could, he turned to see a 7 foot 8 humanoid man standing there so incredibly naked that he wasn’t even wearing skin. The shiny blue muscles flexed and swelled as skin began forming around it, clear at first, then a milky pale white and finally a still deathly pale almost human-colored skin with a strangely subtle blue quality to it. The electric buzz faded into a horrifying roar as the beard and eyelids knit around the glowing bones and flesh. As it ceased, a silently frozen and barely breathing statue of a hulk, let out one massive breath and wheezed slightly.
"Oh god, that stings so bad. It's like bathing in bees made of acid and glass." he rumbled in a darkly low pitch, opening his reflective blue eyes and sighing with relief.
Lawg quickly palmed his laser sword and the beam burned bright, extending to life as he jumped and swung for the head like any good hero would when faced with a large odd colored enemy…or a stranger in general. Better safe than dead I suppose.
"HAZAA!! EAT SWORD LAZER!" Lawg yelled, wanging it across Greg's forehead. The blade made a high pitch squeak and sputtered slightly as Greg grabbed the blade mid-air and stopped it.
"That's not how you spell Laser, you dipshit." Greg snorted.
"How did you know I misspelled what I just said aloud" Lawg gasped.
"You can't read the…oh lord this is trippy." Greg said, as Lawg clicked the laser (or possibly lazer) sword off, and made a quick recovery, going for the crotch. Greg wince and tried to slap him.
"Knock it off, that shit tingles!" Greg growled.
"He's unvincible…he cannot be vinced!" Lawg gasped with a look of terror.
"I'll vince your lanky-ass, get over here." he muttered, chasing Lawg around as he screamed and flailed his laser sword. Greg caught the blade again and yanked it away, swiping and missing as Lawg crawled under a control panel. Greg angrily grabbed the laser by either end, and gave it an abrupt kink, bending it sharply in the middle and throwing it.
"Awe, man…you dicked it up." Lawg said pouting as he toggled the off/on switch and the blade retracted halfway, snagging on the bent section and refusing to retract further. Greg stared blankly, unable to fully process what he just did. The nearly 8 foot beast of a man looked around at the cramped bridge and the pipes just above his head.
"What is this? A starship for ants?" he complained.
"Crew, assemble! Bring weapons!" squealed Lawg.
"Oh hell, I need a drink." Greg sighed, rubbing his face.
"Not my booze!" squealed Lawg louder and girlier, grabbing a pistol and quickly firing a shot, which bounced off of Greg, leaving no damage otherwise, as he casually rummaged through the bin for something good.
"This is all garbage; you have anything over 130 proof or just child-booze?" Greg yawned as the last projectile glanced off and put a hole in the ship's hull.
"SHIT!" yelped Lawg, throwing down the gun and grabbing a role of tape. Greg popped the top off a bottle of rum and sniffed it.
"Good grief, it's all sugary and weak. I assume this is for the women you entertain?" he scoffed.
"That's quality product you are sniffing, mister! That's vintage sparking Andro 3000!" he barked.
"You can't be serious. I need something stronger than this."
"Why? You just showed up in my ship and now you are demanding my finest hooch? Why should I tolerate this?" he yelled, grabbing the leaf-blower.
"Listen up shit-stain." Greg said, lengthening his canines and illuminating his eyes as he stomped towards him and cornered him against the fusion trunk. "I just got every molecule of my body down to the bone ripped away. My essence folded up like a damn paper-football and shoved through a 19 inch puncture in the universe before being shat out on this side, in your ship. I have no pants, no food, no money, no ship and suddenly I can read the damn text when people speak and it's tripping me out! You need to get some alcohol for the 650 pound alien demigod who is losing his sanity inside your ship, presumably pressurized by flammable oxygen…and I can do this!" he said snorting abruptly and breathing flames like a propane torch.
"Can I interest you in some appetizers with your beverage or would you just prefer the bottle?" Lawg said in an alarmingly high pitch as he tried very hard to not soil himself. Greg growled and pondered the question.
"What kind of appetizers?" he rumbled.
"Um…Hey Lawg." Marley said with eyes wide as dinner plates and wielding a self-defense crowbar. "There is a really big man in the kitchen eating my tater sticks …any, uh…back-story on this, or no?" he asked.
"Put that down, you'll piss him off." Lawg whispered. "He's bullet proof and lazer proof, he's immune to lazer with a Z, that's even more powerful than the S version…so logically he's probably immune to crowbar-whack." Lawg whispered.
"Firstly, laser has no Z in it; never has. Secondly…WHAT!?" he asked.
"I shot him like…maybe 11 times. No damage."
"Body armor?" asked Marley.
"Hit him in the ear once, just bounced."
"Did you put a hole in the ship?" he scolded.
"No…maybe. Doesn’t matter. anyway he's drinking all my booze and if I run out of booze I could die, but I also would probably die if I tell him to stop drinking my booze so, I'm in a serious pickley doo, and I'm a little bit open to ideas…can you build another turd-cannon or blow him out an airlock?" he whispered.
"If I blow the airlock we would die too." Marley informed.
"Shitpickles…forgot about that."
"Are there women on this ship or is this a sausage hauler?" Greg asked chewing on a sandwich.
"Technically it's an icecream hauler, but we have also hauled sausage before." Lawg admitted. "Different kind than you might be implying but still, technically yes."
"So no? Just dudes? That's depressing." Greg yawned.
"I agree but we have made cutbacks recently and some of the crew had to take a leave of abstinence." Lawg informed as Marley face-palmed his typo. Greg blinked.
"So are they leaving specifically for abstinence or taking a leave FROM abstinence?" Greg asked. "This is a very crucual detail on potential sex."
"What?" asked a very confused Lawg.
"I just need to know if they took a vow of chastity or just started banging again? This is pretty important, as a detail, in my opinion." Greg said with a mouthful of ham.
"You…I don’t understand…headache." Lawg said with his eye twitching.
"Oh he's losing it, you see the text too or just having a stroke?" Greg asked. Duffy strolled into the kitchen with a wrench and a candy bar.
"You guys are making a lot of no-HA CRAP!" she yelled, startled by the naked 8 foot guest.
"I'm Greg…hey, what gives? You said this was a dude-crew. You lying little bastard." he said angrily rearing back as if he was gonna throw a toaster at Lawg's face.
"That's Duffy, I didn’t think she counted." Lawg protested.
"Why not…you got a different kind of space-wrench in your overalls or something?" he asked with a skeptical eyebrow.
"I have you know I'm 100 percent female, thank you very…wait who are you mister large blue naked man?" She asked.
"I'm Greg. I said that already. So tell me the story of why Duffy doesn’t count as a chick?" Greg asked eyeing her up and down as she fluctuated between flattered and alarmed.
"I assumed you meant…good looking women." Lawg shrugged.
"He means I'm fat." she snipped.
"Eh," Greg shrugged. "To me basically everyone is tiny, so…whatever." he yawned. "Human?" he asked.
"Mostly…Irish on both sides, my mom was 1 64th Venusian."
"So let me ask this…in this chunk of known space, what is the biggest baddest, most intimidating alien species you can think of?" Greg asked.
"I could be wrong but I wanna saaaay…you?" Lawg guessed. Greg smiled like a kid. Exactly the answer he was hoping for.
"Oh this could be fun…this could be very fun. Alright you inconsequential assholes, listen up. This is my ship now, set a course for the nearest star system with life. Doesn’t have to be intelligent but I has to have resources and an atmosphere. Our mission is colonizing and restarting an Empire, how many weeks ETA to the nearest habitable planet?" he asked.
"The Moonbucks coffee planet is about 18 minutes that way." Marley shrugged. Greg squinted, unsure of he was joking.
"Okay…let's start with that." Greg shrugged.
"NO!" yelled Lawg. Greg just grinned. "That's enough. You drank my Andro, you ate my ham sandwich, and you bent my lazer sword…"
"How can you bend a laser?" asked Duffy.
"He's like…really, really strong. But this is MY ship and I refuse to hand it over to a foreign power without a fight."
"You did fight. He won." Reminded Duffy.
"Well I demand a rematch, but this time we play Earth Trivia!" he hollered with a sly grin.
Lawg sat on the floor trying not to cry.
"Cheer up, dumbass." said Marley sneaking him a tiny bottle of gin.
"Thanks buddy. I can't believe he beat me at Earth Trivia." he pouted.
"Well, he did say he lived there for about 14 thousand years or something."
"Nobody's that old." Lawg scoffed, downing the shot and angrily tossing the empty bottle.
"Well, maybe he's a cool captain and he'll let you stay and pick up his floozy leftovers." Mar smiled.
"I do like leftover floozie, but me as a mere crewman? Gross."
"That makes no sense." Mar reminded.
"Shut up. You're a bunny." Lawg reminded.
"Spacebunny, get it right." Marley snipped.
"Anyway there won't be any leftovers, that guy is massive, he'll pretty much flatten them and then who's gonna clean up the shmears?"
"Probably you. He really doesn’t like you." Marley noted.
"Exactly, but I'm amazing." he argued.
"Yea, but, sometimes you just kinda aren't though."
So Duffy, what happened to your ship?" Greg asked.
"You mean, how did it get so messy?" she asked.
"Or do you mean how did it get so AWESOME!?" interrupted Lawg. Greg stared blankly at him for a moment.
"I mean where is the actual ship? Did it get blown up or are we heading for it?" Greg asked.
"We are, ON the ship. How drunk are you right now?" asked Lawg.
"This is a shuttle or a life-raft for the ship, right?" Greg asked.
"No, but we do have a shuttle craft in the shuttle bay made out of a slightly larger shuttle craft." he bragged. "So technically…we have 2 of them." bragged Lawg.
"So this is your entire ship? The whole thing?" Greg asked in dismay.
"I have you know this is fairly good sized ship." Lawg bragged.
"I have 14 ships, the smallest of which has a bathroom you could park this thing in." Greg sighed, popping off a control panel and fiddling with some wires and a tablet.
"But do you have a Jacuzzi tub?" Lawg asked as if playing his winning card.
"Ultra-king 14 person Jacuzzi with virtual remote system and holographic display with built-in surround subwoofers, come standard in just about every Osirian bedroom onboard, even the crew." Greg yawned.
"You have MULTIPLE Jacuzzis?" Lawg gasped.
"about…I dunno, 18 per ship? That's not including the full sized pools and the saunas, locker rooms and open style showers." he noted.
"Open style showers hu…must be awkward with all the other guys just showering at the same time." Lawg snickered. "Little gay, but I'm not judging."
"Yea right, like I would allow other men on my ships. My ships are all female crew." Greg said calmly. Lawg blinked a few times slowly.
"Teach me." he asked pathetically.
"No."
"I have to know how." Lawg said in desperation.
"Okay, first off you have to make yourself intimidating."
"I'm pretty good with a laser sword."
"No you are not. I suggest minor genocide. Just find a small kingdom, kill most of the army and eat someone important, a general or something."
"We'll go back to that one later. Moving on." Lawg said getting a paper pad.
"Obviously you need to be immortal because they will try and murder you in your sleep, definitely going to take a few decades of assassins before they get the hint. It also helps if you are the last of your species so there is no competition. If there are others, you gotta murder them too. Eventually if you kill enough humans and they give up trying to kill you back, then they fear you enough to form small cults that consider you the deity of death. They have some of the best women." Greg informed.
"So is there an easier way I could achieve just a small percentage of the women and maybe, 3 hot tubs?" he asked, dodging the hard part.
"Nope. Genocide and fear. It's the only way. Or just have obscene amounts of money."
"There, that one. How do I do that thing with the money?" he asked getting out a clipboard.
"Well you could find the richest guy in the land." Greg started.
"Yea, yep." he jotted down.
"Kill him." Greg added.
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
"What about some kind of contest of skills?" Lawg asked.
"Naw, it's gotta be killing. You don’t have any skills. And when you kill him and get rich, then everyone will try and kill you for the riches you got from killing the first guy. Money is bloody, my pathetic scavenger."
"So…maybe some kind of trade or goods I could sell for large profits and ultimately women?" Lawg asked.
"You could do that."
"Great, so what sort of field has the quickest profit, easiest organization, and highest returns?" Lawg asked.
"Weapons, usually." Greg suggested.
"So just always more killing then, okay." he said closing his notebook and tossing his pencil aside, giving up on the conversation. Marley approached cautiously.
"Mr. Greg, sir." he said "Not that I'm ungrateful or whatever, but what exactly are you doing to the computer grid?" he finished as Lawg suddenly sprung to attention to see what he was doing with his ship.
"Building a power interface." he said as Lawg examined the wires carefully.
"You got goop all over the teleporter controls!" Lawg exclaimed exclamatorily.
"Don’t wipe that crap, it's supposed to be there." Greg warned. "Plus it will eat your hand if you touch it."
"What is it…looks like it's moving." Marley said looking closer and getting very uneasy.
"Nanoprobes, basically. Microscopic robots so fine that they flow like liquid. By the way I'm confiscating your teleporter." Greg informed.
"Screw it, this thing is so old it's basically garbage. It's slow, unpredictable and couldn’t teleport an orange right-side-in." Lawg shrugged.
"Oh it will…it's gonna work real nice." he grinned with a sinister toothy quality that deeply disturbed everyone.
"Big deal, how exciting can it be? Buncha oranges, oo00ooh. Fancy Orange loving aliens." Lawg muttered shuffling off.
"He's not very smart for a potato, is he?" asked Greg.
"Nope. Dumb as all get-out." Marley sighed.
Lawg kicked the air.
"That's not fair, you know. You can't be that much brute and also be smart. There is a code somewhere for that kinda OP crap." Lawg hollered.
"If it makes you feel better, I'm actually pretty dumb for my species." he hollered back, revealing he also has superb hearing.
"Really? Nice." Lawg smiled proudly as if he won something.
"Granted I'm still a genius compared to a human, and you seem to be about 30 evolutionary steps below that, somewhere between dead chimp and tater-tots." he smirked.
"That’s pretty fair." Nodded Marley. Lawg huffed and threw his hands up in frustration.
"What the tots, furball?! I thought we was homies."
"Dude." Marley chuckled. "Firstly, you are way too white to use "Homies". Secondly, I'm a Beta-male runt, you know that. I just latch onto the Biggest baddest bastard around and be the sidekick, it’s a survival mechanism, you can't be mad at me. It's evolution. Take it up with Darwin!"
"I can't, he's not even on the crew!" replied Lawg. Greg slowly looked up from his screen and stared in amazement.
"Wow, you have to really put effort into being that dense." Greg gasped.
"He's naturally good at it." Marley shrugged.
"It's like when they were passing around the retard koolaid, he just snagged the whole bucket and did a frat-boy chug." He sighed as Duffy approached the conversation.
"So what is the big guy doing to our ship now?" asked Duffy
"Making a…I dunno, some teleporter thingy." Lawg pouted.
"How bout you explain to the space-mechanic what you are doing, so someone who lives here, actually knows what you're doing." she grinned, cheerfully sarcastic with fake excitement.
"Bringing the others." Greg said.
"Whoa, hold up there…there are more of you?" she asked looking alarmed.
"Hundreds, but I only have about enough resources to get 2 here, maybe 3 if the welder holds out." he said, eyeballing the wire thickness.
"Anyone else have a problem with this?" Duffy asked, feeling very alone.
"Relax, it's 3 aliens." Lawg yawned. Greg chuckled maniacally.
"Initially. Gotta get some smarter Osirians here to build a base of operations, then the long game is to just start printing off hundreds and build an army to retake the old Empire in a large-scale invasion." he added, licking the wire and twisting the ends together, crimping the connector with his teeth.
"Laaaawg, he's bringing an invasion army." whispered Duffy.
"Yea, I got that part. Would you like me to stop him? I could shoot him another dozen times or maybe self destruct the ship and give him a few bruises."
"He can't be that unstoppable, that's just bad writing!" she whispered harshly.
"Marley does the improvised weapons but he's too busy being the guy's pet space-bunny. Look, he brought him crackers. Little shit is just kissing ass to be spared in the alien apocalypse." grumbled Lawg.
"Wish you guys would stop saying ALIEN so offensively." Marley said shuffling past them and pausing. "Technically we're all aliens to someone. Nobody got the original species claim."
"Stop technicality-ing and find his weakness!" Lawg snipped.
"I'm working on it, why do you think I'm asking him so many questions?"
"To save your furry ass!" grumbled Duffy.
"Well, yea obviously that, but also for a plan. I'm waiting to see the results and kinda gauge which option is more survivable. I'm a survivor, baby!" he boasted.
"What do you have so far?" asked Duff.
"Well, he just welded some bolts with his fingers so thermal grenades are a stupid idea, I'm guessing he's pretty heat resistant, that means he's likely not good in the cold."
"Coolant pipes." Nodded Duffy.
"Maybe. He also seemed to be kinda hesitant to touch the live wires, so electricity may hurt him…that, or he just doesn’t wanna short out a circuit, I'm straight up guessing here mind you." He muttered.
"What about just blowing him out the airlock?" Duffy asked.
"And how do we stuff a giant monster in the tiny airlock room with enough time to shut the door and then seal the valve?"
"Peanut butter." Lawg nodded.
"What the eff?-are you high?" Duffy asked.
"Works on space-mice. They go right for the door."
"Is that why we have been losing oxygen? I thought we had a leak." Duffy said jabbing him angrily in the ribs.
"Well, I'm not touching a dead mouse. Airlock cleans the mess and does the deading for me, I'm not a killer Duff. I'm a romance machine." Lawg squinted.
"You let me spray down the entire ship with soap-water looking for leaks and cracks to repair, thinking we could suddenly die any second if it splits open during docking?" she asked him.
"Ship was dusty, you already had the soap sprayer on you." Lawg shrugged.
"You little son of-"
"People!" yipped Marley. "Bigger problems, literally bigger, like half a ton and bringing friends kinda big. Focus!" he finished.
"He's right, Duff. Be professional." Lawg muttered.
"Hey, dipshits!" yelled Greg. "I'm out of tape and vodka."
"He drank my vodka." Said Lawg, looking sad.
"So we need to do something quick, he could be done any time and then we have 3 of them. Duffy, you distract him, I'll trigger a coolant overload and loosen the nearest valve and Lawg, you kick that welder on when he's holding the wire. We got this, heros." said an optimistic Marley.
"We're gonna die aren't we?" Lawg asked looking to Duffy.
"Probably, maybe just you, if we're lucky." she shrugged.
Duffy walked awkwardly slow, practically spilling out of her overly tight overalls. She could barely breathe as she held in her belly and stuck her chest out to emphasize her assets. She awkwardly flung a wrench down and gasped with some seriously soap-opera level acting.
"Oh no, I've dropped my big tool…better pick this thing up real slowly to make sure I do it right." she said as Greg scrunched his eyes, more confused than impressed but distracted nonetheless. Marley darted quickly and quietly with his padded feet, and unscrewed the coolant intake behind Greg, yanking the valve to jam it open.
"It's too bad my pants are so tight, I can barely reach it." she said bending at the waist and genuinely running out of reach as the denim reached its maximum stretching capacity.
"Are all of you guys just completely fried from radiation or is it an isolation madness thing?" Greg asked. Lawg waited patiently, eyeing the switch. The valve creaked as Marley quietly darted off out of view and Duffy slipped, falling on her face as Lawg ran for the welder and yanked the thing on. Sparks flew and Greg jerked back, falling over the wires and landing on the deck chair, flattening it, as coolant blew out of the wall, hosing him down.
"Take that! Nobody stumps the Lawg!" Lawg boasted. Greg jumped up, frantically kicking the wires loose and shorting out the lights. He tripped over the wrench, nearly trampled Duffy and landed in the airlock room.
"OPPORTUNITY!" squealed Lawg, closing the door and hitting the big red button that does all the airlock stuff. Greg looked very angry, just before he looked very gone. There was a gentle hiss and the airlock was clear.
"We won!" Lawg cheered. "We are the best of all things and cannot be stopped!" he said dancing around as the lights all went out and a heavy rumble shook the ship.
"That sounded bad." Duffy muttered, struggling to breathe as she undid her belt and caught her breath.
"Marley, did you forget to pay the electric bill?" asked Lawg.
"Spaceship." he reminded.
"Oh, right, so what's that sound?" Lawg asked.
"Kinda sounds like a giant alien peeling off the hull of the shuttle bay to get inside." Marley yelled, looking out the peephole.
"I thought you said the cold would kill him!" Lawg yelled.
"It was a theory, I had nothin to go off of, man. How was I supposed to know he can survive decompression?!" he hollered, grabbing the dreaded environmental boots.
"What's your plan?" Duffy asked.
"Not much, but I can't fit in a regular suit and when he tears off the door, it's gonna get really cold and really not full of oxygen in here. Probably should suit up too." he warned. Duffy and Lawg scrambled for suits and started tethering themselves to the walls with straps, as the ship creaked and the shuttle bay door suddenly yanked open.
"PANICK!" yelled Lawg, firing the leafblower weapon and watching the energy blast hit the glowing beast with white burning eyes. The blast deflected off and swirled past, as the oxygen and pressure rushed out the opening.
"This is how we die!" Hollered Duffy. Marley hit the emergency forcefield button and the door sealed, filling slowly with atmosphere as Greg stomped towards them.
"At least we can die with air!" Marley said as the environmental boots ran out of batteries and crapped out just slightly after the air was breathable. "Boy that was concerningly close." he sighed, then he remembered they were gonna die anyway and he just sat down, whipped out a box of candy and accepted his death. Greg looked around at them, all taking varying stages of defeat.
"Who's idea was that?" Greg asked,
"Mine." Lawg said defiantly. Duffy and Marley looked shocked. "It was my idea, and they just followed Captain's orders. I'm tired of being bullied around by some super smart and scary alien guy. A man can only take so much before he snaps and you may be bigger than me, but I have the luck of the Chaffee on my side and I may be immortal, so you just go right ahea-" Greg hit him with a backhand and a sudden smear of red paste peppered the wall. Silence fell as Lawg gently ran down the walls as a thick pulp, the approximate texture of pumpkin pie filling, only with bone chunks. Basically the worst pie ever. Marley and Duffy stood in silent shock, unable to react or move.
"He just split Lawg like firewood." she said in a slight panic.
"Lawg gasped, sitting up and looking around in a state of confusion, both Marley and Duffy staring at him in awe and uncertainty.
"Alright…teleporter works." Greg calmly nodded. "I call that a successful print." he said yawning and heading for the kitchen for a PB and J he had chilling in the freezer as a victory treat.
"You okay buddy?" asked a very concerned looking Duffy.
"Did I just die?" Lawg asked, feeling his face as he sat up from the modified teleporter pad.
"N…neooow, no no. definitely not." bluffed Duff.
"You very much did not just die, just now." Marley said looking mortified and confused, slowly poking him in the face and then giving him a hug.
"Dude, stop being weird." Lawg said staggering up. "Never hug a guy when he's naked…why am I naked?"
"You know we love you, dumbass." Marley said handing him a margarita.
"Okay, so we're just never gonna talk about whatever happened, right?" Lawg asked Duffy.
"Nothing to talk about. Things…happened, horseplay and dj-you gotcha a nice sugary beverage there with an umbrella and whatnot. This is a good thing, yea?" she said nudging his glass and encouraging him to drink with a terribly fake looking smile.
"Wow, so…okay then, so what's the plan for that thing we were gonna try with the coolant and the welder?" he asked.
"Not gonna do that. He's immune to space and coolant and electricity just pisses him off, don’t ask how we know. Got the hot tub all turned on for ya." Marley said handing him a towel and patting him on the head.
"You guys are weird, I feel really bad for some reason, like I woke up without a soul. Pretty odd, so I'm gonna go have a dip and chill for a while." he said wobbling to the hot-tub room, sipping on his crazy straw and looking around puzzled. He stopped and looked at the big red stain on the wall. "…Nope." he said abruptly shaking his head and moving on.
"Um." muttered Duffy, standing a good 5 feet away from Greg as he did some number crunching on his smart-glass.
"Yes. We can just do that." he said casually.
"Just…print off a human being like a spare tire." Duffy pondered.
"It’s a teleporter, it basically does that already. You seriously don’t just use it for that already? What's the problem?" Greg asked.
"What about the quantum uncertainty paradox?" she asked.
"Oh we just bypass that. I jammed a penny in the PC board and shorted the coupler here." Greg nodded.
"It's really that easy?" asked Duffy
"Yea, obviously." Greg said, pointing at Lawg in the Jacooz, looking relaxed but kinda sad for no reason.
"A hundred years of teleporters and nobody thought to just jump the thingy here and invent immortality?" she asked throwing up her hands.
"Y'all are dumb as a bag of hammers in this universe." Greg snickered.
"Guys, I got this plan." Lawg whispered to Marley as Duffy approached.
"No." shook Marley.
"You didn’t even hear the plan yet."
"We heard it earlier, plus it's you, so it’s a shit-plan automatically." Marley informed.
"We can't just let him bring more aliens here. We have maybe 3, 4 hours tops before that thing is ready." Lawg pondered
"Machine's ready." Greg hollered.
"Hu…okay so I guess we blew that chance. You guys ever been enslaved by alien overlords before, I just wanna know what to expect. Is it fun?" Lawg asked.
"I'm Delmarian, we usually do the overloading so I don’t know first hand, but the people they enslaved never seemed to enjoy it much. Mostly just toil and work, you get the occasional execution or attempted revolt. Food is okay if you like gluten-wad."
"Better than Glutenloaf. At least they got that." Lawg nodded optimistically.
"Oh hell." complained Greg as the machine made a strange noise that it didn’t make before. He stood silently with an "oh shit" look, scratching his chin nervously.
"What happened? You accidentally print off another Lawg?" Duffy said rushing to see what happened.
"No that's an easy fix, you just toss one of them out the airlock. I think I just ran the wrong file." he said looking annoyed.
"So shut it off." Duffy shrugged.
"Remember when I said 2, maybe 3 tries. That's because the power converter can only handle 2 or 3 prints through a wormhole. The signal has to be boosted tremendously high to make sure it gets through the distortion and the noise. That kind of power will fry the regulators after that. If I shut down now, I lose that regulator anyway so I might as well just let it run." Greg sighed.
"You know…sometimes it's better to just stop and take a break, cut your losses and try it later, the right way." she suggested.
"That's good, I respect the bluff. One less Osirian on your ship, I see what you did there." he smirked.
"I mean, I tried." she admitted.
"Damnit. Yea I got the wrong file." Greg shook his head.
"You printed the wrong person?" Duffy asked. "Unlimited technological intelligence and one shot to get it right and you managed to just print the wrong person?" she asked.
"Well, technically it’s the right person, kinda." he said as the machine glowed and a figure stood there. She looked around in a daze. Lawg darted to the area, looking very glad to see a naked woman standing in the teleporter.
"I stand corrected." Lawg nodded. "You can make as many of these machines as you want, bro." he said smiling in approval. His smile faded as he looked down at himself. "Wait…I was just naked and confused earlier. Did I just go through that thing too?" he asked Duffy.
"Lawg, you are always confused and often naked."
"Oh, right. Freaked me out for a second. I'm so paranoid." he chuckled, a little unsure of his uncertainty.
"You know where you are, Izzy?" asked Greg.
"No…why am I naked?" she asked.
"Don’t freak out or anything. So you know how when they do really long distance transports and they don’t send the clothing because they don’t wanna risk fusing the clothing to the skin?" he asked. Lawg nodded and held out a fist to bump. Duffy batted it away for reasons of inappropriate indifference.
"That's a good line." Lawg said, assuming it was a bullshit excuse, mainly because he would totally use that line.
"But why am I being long-distance transported?" she asked Greg.
"Funny story actually. You remember how your older clone mom was assigned that secret mission thing involving that war criminal and his solitary confinement?" he asked. Her eyes got very large.
"Oh crap, you're the guy…you're Greg!" she said nervously.
"Yea, that's me. I'm an old friend of your clone-sister-mother, Technically a friend of yours, just an older clone of yours, so in a certain perspective of things, we are already friends. Think of this in a positive light, you always said- your sister always said- Older you always said… we got of on the wrong foot and first impressions are so hard to get past. Now we got a chance to re-do that and be friends without all the past bickering making it weird." he smiled cheerfully.
"You dick-hole!" she yelled throwing a coffee mug at his head.
"In my defense, it was a really shit signal and the scanners technically got the right DNA profile, it's a good thing it didn’t just print you off inside out, for the love of decency you idiots, get her a towel or something." he yelled. Lawg handed her a hand-towel with a very compressed smile. Marley elbowed him in the nuts.
"Dude! Fricken seriously?" Marley muttered.
"Send me back." she insisted.
"Yea, about that. This was a really, really long distance transport, so I can't actually waste the last converter sending you back. You're a copy anyway so you are already back, because one of you never left." he paused.
"You cloned me!" she said slapping at him looking irritated.
"I was trying to clone the other Izzy, we had a whole agreement and everything. It just got screwed up, it's fine. This could be fun. You always did like adventures."
"Were we really good friends?" she asked.
"Okay, friend is a strong word, but we were on the same side and allies. Like working associates or team-mates, really. We very recently did move closer to the friend- title, but not quite there yet. You usually find me pretty annoying. Like coworkers with the same goals that maybe hate one another a little bit sometimes." he clarified.
"I can see why, I hate you already." she said looking peeved and pacing back and forth as her mind started clearing up.
"Hey, Greg." Lawg whispered. "She is over 18, right?" he asked.
"Yes. She's 22." Greg assured.
"Oh thank, space-god. It's been a weird enough day already." he said breathing sigh of relief.
"So what is this? What's the job?" Young Izzy asked.
"Pretty important and cool. Save the Empire, set up a base of operation, send back some data." he informed, handing her the tablet.
"Save the Empire, what happened to the empire? How much did I miss?"
"A lot has happened in the last few months since your last savepoint."
"Did you screw up the whole Empire, is that why they keep you locked up? If you are a dangerous war criminal, why are you even on this mission?" she asked.
"Lotta good questions, some very solid points. I'll fill you in later on the details after I see what I can extract before the wormhole collapses. No sense explaining it if you can just explain it to yourself digitally." he explained non-digitally.
"Damn, I was going to a friend's birthday party tonight." she said sitting down.
"Technically you already did, and that version of you probably had a great time about 2 or 3 months ago. This can be a learning experience though, now you know why it's important to update your memory every few days. If something happens and you accidentally get cloned into another universe, for example, then you don’t lose much."
"Yea, I definitely see why we aren't friends now." she scowled angrily with her eyes glowing slightly. "So who else are you dragging into this?"
Greg looked offended, but with a hint of sarcasm that bordered between bad acting and intentional subtlety.
"Okay, good question. The problem with that is: Izzy was supposed to decide who else went through." he informed.
"So you don’t even know who else is next? How can you set the machine to print off someone if you don’t know who to print?" she asked angrily.
"Well, we could just let you pick. That IS your responsibility." he noted.
"That was older me's job, I may not even know this person. I don’t even know you except reputation and celebrity gossip!"
"Well fortunately for me, this mistake is yours to make. Pretty understandable how someone could accidentally print the wrong person now, isn't it?" he said with a snide seriousness.
"You realize I can hurt you, and you can't die." she noted.
"Damnit." he muttered under his breath.
"So I'm just supposed to guess from a list of hundreds of data files which one "other me" would have picked, based on a mission I know nothing about?" she asked rhetorically, pacing the floor.
"There was only 4 candidates actually, so there is only 3 times the likeliness you'll get it wrong than right. That's very doable odds. I had a 50/50 chance and I fucked that." he shrugged.
"If I get this wrong, am I going to kill the entire empire?" she asked looking horrified.
"No, no. Nothing that serious. They sent dozens of these missions out as insurance. Statistically speaking, one of them is surely going to work out. It'll be fine. They wouldn’t bet everything on just the one universe hop. That's why they limited us to 3 per universe. Standard Osirian redundancy. It's almost guaranteed to work out even if it is a one way trip." he assured. Her eyes got very large as her scowl intensified.
"Define one way." She said calmly keeping her Zen.
"Too resource heavy to bring us back unless we succeed at the mission and establish a gate from this end. I keep forgetting that you aren't the Izzy that made that decision and prepared for the concept of a likely dead-ended trip. I've done lots of them, it's fine. Worst case scenario you spend a few decades here with me or die. Decades go by so fast you barely remember it. Other you will be just fine. Have you figured out who you are responsible for bringing through yet, because this is time sensitive as long as the wormhole is open." he finished, leaving her in the spotlight with a choice to make and no idea how to make it.
"There is a 4 foot tall bunny making a grilled cheese." she said rubbing her eyes.
"Yea." he smiled. "Apparently in this universe, space is weird, and weird shit happens in it. You think that's trippy, wait till you realize if you concentrate real hard, you can actually read the text when people talk." he grinned. She paused for a second and squinted. Her eyes bugged out as she looked around.
"OH, WHAT THE HELL!? She screamed in all caps and italics, now aware that she uses italics more often than she liked to admit.
"Oh this is going to be a fun mission." Greg sighed, trudging off to find more food.
The extro music began playing as the camera panned back and muffled the loud "GREEEEEG!!!" that bellowed through the ship from a very annoyed younger Izzy.
The ship hummed and sputtered as it did in the first 1.7 seasons, gently fading to blackness.