Greg looked in the mirror, admiring his/Izzy’s reflection and carefully applying a little eye shadow.

  “Greg, are you putting on makeup?” asked Duffy.

  “So what if I am?” he shrugged with Izzy’s body.

  “You realize this is an archeological sight. They’re just collectors, not arms-dealers. You don’t need to distract anyone or set up a honey-pot sting or anything. It’s a desert planet with an old tomb, we land, we give them the gold box and they give us money. Assuming Crateslist.com is even remotely reliable as a sale sight, it should take like an hour.” Duffy informed.

  “It’s my brand new face, I can doctor it up if I want. Is there a crime in looking nice when I go out?” she or he shrugged. I’m not sure anymore. Nobody can follow this.

  “Greg, you’ve been acting weird and kind of a diva since you modified your own Izzy body. You even named it. It’s creepy.” Duffy noted.

  “How is this creepy?” Gizzy said turning around and looking just slightly punk-rock slutty. “And stop calling me Greg when I’m in character. It’s confusing when you switch back and forth. I need the reminder to keep track of what bits I have at any given moment, not to mention the poor audience.” She informed, winking directly into the camera.

  "What audience? It's 3 stranger and us."

  "Never mind, you wouldn’t understand." Gizzy said, shrugging to the reader.

  “Alright, GIZZY!! But this is like the alien equivalent of cross-dressing.” She pointed out.

  "It’s tactical. Sometimes it’s better to be less conspicuous, stealthier and more compact as a female, for missions that don’t benefit from a big blue hulk.” Gizzy argued.

  “That makes sense, until you look closely. Wouldn’t it be more tactical to not have makeup getting in your eyes when you sweat? Wouldn’t it be more tactical to have tiny boobs that don’t bounce around in your face when you run, instead of Izzy’s glorious rack stuffed in a sport’s bra? And why not cut your hair short? There is a very tactical and functional way to do this that would make perfect sense, and you just seem to have a weak-ass reason for everything.” She waited as he contemplated the reasons.

  “Okay, yes the boobs are impractical, but I don’t see you getting a reduction to be a better mechanic. I’m used to the weight balance by now, why throw that out of whack? As for the hair, that allows versatility in my disguises, and therefore easy to put back out of the way and easy to have access to if I need to modify the look. And the makeup I wear is all Aialyn Sport, it doesn’t run or smear even under stress or when eating. The dark eye shadow functions like when football players use it to keep the light out of their eyes. This is high-end stuff.” She justified.

  “The fact that you know brand names now is troubling.” Duffy nodded.

  "The irony is that they censor me when I brand drop."

  "I'm not even asking who anymore." Duffy sighed.

  “Why do any of you care what I look like? It’s my body, I grew it from scratch and I maintain the power systems myself. You’re just jealous because I look better in a skirt.” She defended as Lawg entered the room looking confused.

  “So are you a huge gay now or what?” he asked awkwardly.

  “In your dreams, twiggy.” Gizzy scoffed.

  “He may be technically correct because at this moment you are a chick dating a chick." Duffy pointed out.

  “Awe man, that would be so hot if it wasn’t Greg.” Lawg sighed. “Oh don’t judge me, it’s visually just two Izzy’s and if you ignore the ears and tusks she’s pretty good looking.” Lawg defended. “It’s not gay for me, shut up!” he snipped. "You're gay."

  “Actually…I think it makes them both bisexual, because Izzy’s dating a man and a woman, and Greg is a straight-man dating a woman, and also he’s a woman dating a woman.” Duffy pondered.

  “I’m so confused. I wanna go home.” Lawg whined.

  “You ARE home, this is your ship.” Duffy noted.

  “You’re confused?” asked Greg dramatically. I’m the one swaping my girlfrind’s clothes because they were literally made to fit both of us, so I look just as hot in them as she does, and sometimes she’s jealous of me because I carry it better. It’s a confidence thing you know, she’s not as bold in her selections. I mean look at these shorts and tell me I’m not killing it.” He said, posing. Lawg looked very sad, turning silently and walking off.

  “That was very uncomfortable to watch” Duffy admitted.

  “Yea, I turned up the weirdness because it’s funny to see Lawg uncomfortable.” Gizzy smiled in that familiar Greggy smirk.

  The shuttle landed, Gizzy and Duffy strolled out as Lawg and Marley followed. The dig sight was hot and dry as a jalapeno popcorn-fart in July. Popcorn with no butter or imitation spray for needed humidity. Super-dry. Gizzy held up the gold box and clicked the button to flip out the little key-flappies. The archeologist looked happy to see it, motioning the workers to open the crate of payment.

  “Gold box, 5,000 credits.” Gizzy said, tossing it up and catching it.

  ‘Your reward is in there.” The old man nodded.

  “Um, that’s pottery.” Gizzy corrected.

  ‘Those are easily worth 2000 each on the market, that’s at least 3000 more than you wanted, more if you are willing to look around and check competitive sights.” He assured.

  “Yea but we need money to eat and whatnot. Pretty sure if I cram that jar in the gas tank it won’t run on clay. Plus, how the hell do we know what those are worth, they could be priceless or garbage. I’m not a pottery dealer, I’m a scavenger.”

  “Well, then we have a problem. Does your ship run on ethanol?” He asked as the workers pulled guns. "We have plenty of Ethanol."

  “Omnifuel. Won’t run on ethanol.” Marley added.

  “Then you have a problem.” The old man repeated, re-drawing his gun for dramatic effect, making the hammer-cocking sound again as well.

  “No, YOU have a problem.” Gizzy said, drawing guns from her pack as Duffy and Marley drew guns and Lawg curled up in a ball behind the group.

  “Madam, let’s be reasonable. Nobody needs to get hurt.”

  “I dunno,” shrugged Gizzy. “I’m having a bad hair day and I kinda wouldn’t mind hurting some people.” She smirked.

  “Enough!” said a brunette worker, suddenly taking lead. “There is 2,000 in gold in the chest. It’s all we have and you can have the jars to take with you. If you need food and water, we can provide tortillas and salsa, and the number for a planet where a collector will easily pay double for the jars.” She suggested.

  “Sounds good.” Lawg said opening the chest. A gust of sand and stale air rushed over him and curled back to the chest. “That was creepy.” He chuckled. They looked suspicious, but the guns slowly lowered and they accepted the offer. "Anybody else see that, or no?"

  “As they waited, Gizzy sat by the fire, unrolling her leather roll of guns, knives and stabby things, chewing on a tortilla.

  “So. Are you the captain?” said the brunette.

  “Nope, I’m just the guide and the firepower. Adrian Michael Greggarious, but I go by Greg for short, and now that I have tits I’m trying to get them to call me Gizzy, they still keep calling me Greg. What’s your name?”

  “Anna Marie Nooksamahn.” she said coldly.

  “Anna Nooksamahn, what a unique name.” Gizzy complimented.

  “It’s fairly common where I’m from.”

  “So, Anna. I’m gonna call you Anna for convenience…what brings you here to the middle of the desert?” Gizzy yawned.

  “Immortality.” she smiled.

  “Metaphorically or literally?” she asked.

  “Both. That gold box is the key to ultimate power and undying eternal life.” She said looking into the sunset.

  "Yea that sounds great but it’s pretty shitty about 2,000 years in. Immortality is lonely and hollow.” She said, sharpening her Kukri blade and opening a bottle of wine with it.

  “You sound like you know. You have a wisdom to your youth.”

  “I’m an incredibly old man for a woman born last month. I’m also taken.” She informed, suavely.

  "I wasn’t flirting.” She playfully smiled.

  “I didn’t think so, but it’s good to make that clear. I do look fantastic in this light, and with my irresistible charm and this massive rack, nobody would blame you for trying.” She shrugged confidently.

  “Awe, thanks.” Said Izzy, watching from the ship, sitting up in her chair as she watched the screen from her room. “Seriously though, Greg, no lesbo stuff in my body.”

  “Chill out, I got this.” She defended. Anna looked confused.

  “Earpiece implant, Girlfriend isn’t even on this planet and she’s still got the choke collar firmly in her grip.” Gizzy chuckled.

  “Loyalty is underrated. I’ve been waiting for my man for almost a hundred years. Very soon, after the resurrection ceremony, we will be together again… forever.” She said looking at Lawg as her vision passed, pausing on him for a discreet smile that freaked him out a little. Duffy looked back and over to Lawg, then to Marley.

  “Is she flirting with Lawg while bragging about how loyal she is to her dead husband of over a century?” Duffy asked Marley.

  “Kinda shitty isn’t it?” He whispered.

  Suddenly, the wind picked up and visibility dropped to zero. Everyone took action, piling into tents, moving tools and supplies inside.

  "Everyone inside, before the storm get's any more intense!" Gizzy yelled.

  "It's already in-tents." Lawg noted. "I left the flap open."

  "Not in-tents, Intense…though as we argue about semantics it's doing both." Gizzy rationalized.

  “Sand storms here are extremely harsh here, it’s a very sticky sand but at least it’s gluten-free.” Anna yelled. “Best to take cover for an hour or so.” She nodded.

  “When is sand not gluten-free?” Gizzy asked.

  “Next planet down, Whole-wheat sandstorms that last for months. Anyone with Celiac Disease or Hipster douche-ism doesn't survive it very long.” Anna yelled.

  Gizzy and Duffy took cover in one tend and everyone else fanned out to pair up.

  The sun rose on the morning, casting a golden glow to everything. Gizzy yawned and elbowed Duffy discreetly. They unzipped the tent and Marley was already standing outside, peering through binoculars.

  “Anyone seen the diggers and that creepy emo-goth chick?” he yelled.

  "Nope. Who cares, we got the money, let’s go back.” Gizzy yawned.

  “Lawg is gone.” Marley nodded.

  “Who cares, we got the money, let’s go back.” Gizzy repeated. Duffy and Marley looked disappointed. “I’m kidding…unless you guys are cool with it…no? Just kidding. Let’s not take the easy rout back with the money, and instead, go find Lawg!” Gizzy smiled sarcastically.

  “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, I’m not into the kinky stuff. Maybe a little light tickling but the ropes are a bit much.” Lawg said as Anna tied his wrists and fixed them to the sacrificing stone.

  “I’m not seducing you, I’m using you. You look a lot like my husband.” She explained.

  “I’m fine with that too, hush-hush no string attached, but I’m gonna need my hands free.” He shrugged.

  "Not using you for sexual reasons…Using you as a vessel.” She said looking annoyed.

  "Like pottery, or for sailing? I like sailing but this is a pretty dry planet for sailing.” he asked. “Is this boat role-playing? I get the rigging metaphor, but I’m afraid where the mast is gonna go to be honest, my safeword is Pirate-booty.”

  “Not sex!” she yelled. “I’m sacrificing your body as a vessel for my dead husband that I’m bringing back from the underworld to consume your soul and use your flesh as material to regenerate.” she grumbled.

  “That doesn’t sound very fun for me.” He whined.

  "I don’t really care.”

  “You should care about me, I'm about to be your husband! Actually my crew does the body swap thing all the time, maybe you could talk to them about it, and get you a really nice boyfriend body instead of my string-bean carcass. You’d be way happier with a big blue boyfriend with abs and whatnot. I’m fairly sure they have huge alien junk, so there’s your vessel. Lemme just send them a text real quick, gonna need my hands!” he nervously chuckled.

  “The body doesn’t matter. He will regenerate with his godly powers and become unstoppable, even starting out in your puny-ass body."

  “Hey, this is a life choice, I diet and work out to stay this thin, lotta chicks love the skinny look, it’s trending on social media right now, you have no idea how much tang I get, I’m talking astronaut levels of tang! Barrels of tang! I’ll show you real quick, can I have my phone?”

  “That’s never going to work.” She scoffed.

  “How upset is your husband gonna be when he get’s a new body and I already crapped his pants?” Lawg asked.

  “Good thing I got this cool compass that points towards my weed.” Marley said leading the way. “I knew Lawg would get lost so I stuck a doob in his shoe. Pretty smart, hu?” Marley smiled. “Come on guys, that was clever and it’s really hot and I need the motivational positivity."

  “You are the greatest, never give up.” Duffy dryly mumbled.

  “You guys suck at motivation.” Marley sighed.

  “Dessert planets blow.” Yawned Gizzy. “I’d literally kill for a snowcone covered in shaved pork. Anakin was right, sand is just terrible."

  “Guy’s you have another sand storm headed your way.” Izzy announced, zooming on the screen. “What the hell is that?” she squinted.

  Marley’s eyes got large as he looked at the screen.

  “Um, people…I hope I’m hallucinating from the heat.” He said going pale, which is impressive, given the fur.

  “Nope, running might be a good idea.” Duffy said suddenly turning back and sand-shuffling at frantic speed. The horizon dimmed as a wall of sand rolled over it, cascading down the dunes at an alarming rate. The middle parted, as Anna’s face appeared in the leading wave.

  “She’s got Lawg AND superpowers!” Marley said, passing them up.

  “Why is he so fast on sand?” asked Duffy.

  “Big floppy padded feet!” Marley yelled as he got smaller in front of them.

  “Oh screw this, I’m fighting back.” Gizzy said, sliding to a stop and drawing guns.

  “Greg! You can’t fight her like this. It’s a tsunami of sand. It’s just animated sand, what the hell are you gonna do to sand?” Izzy barked

  “I’m gonna show this angry bitch what a real angry bitch looks like.” Gizzy said, as her eyes glowed white and her teeth lengthened. The sand arched down as Gizzy went nuclear.

  “Bad idea, abort meltdown!” Izzy yelled, as the screen went light blue and a mushroom cloud engulfed the sand wall, Duffy and Marley still shuffling for their lives.

  “Oh shit, guy’s keep running, Greg just made things way worse.” Izzy warned.

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  “WHAT!? Marley said looking back. “How could she make things worse?” he asked skeptically slowing down. The horizon glimmered with a slight green tint and sparkles reached over the horizon. A wall of hot, smoldering, slightly irradiated nuclear glass cascaded over the dunes like a wave of burning razorblades.

  “I was wrong, it’s sooo much worse.” Marley said, paddling his feet into the sand. “Duffy! Paddle faster!”

  “Oh good grief that was stupid.” Izzy sighed. A thin crust of green glass cracked as a metal spike jammed through. The metal spike folded out into 5 thinner pieces and began regenerating meat and tendons around it.

  “I made it worse.” Wheezed Gizzy, as a skeleton staggered out and smoldered red hot, exposed bio-mech organs knitting together slowly.

  “Greg, why?” asked Izzy.

  “Estrogen clouded my zen, emotions got real, bad decisions were made.” Said the skeleton as meat slowly knit over the face's surfaces. “HEY!! She yelled, trying to get the radioactive wall of glass to turn and look. It did. “Immortality over here, come and get it.” She wheezed, finally growing some form of skin.

  “And I’m naked again.” Sighed Izzy dramatically. “I’m always naked, can I have no privacy!” Izzy yelled. “Can I have one mission where a whole planet doesn’t see my entire array of goodies? Just one?” Izzy said, pacing the screen room.

  “Other pressing matters happening right now, Lawg probably being dead and the big horrible glass monster rapidly approaching. You got a plan-B or is this just gonna suck a whole bucket of assholes in about 8 seconds?” Gizzy asked.

  “You did this, ya dumbass, regular sand wouldn’t be that bad now would it?”

  “Maybe not a great time to point the finger and make me feel bad. We could save that for later and maybe shoot some ideas at me right now. I’d appreciate that.” Gizzy shrugged as the area got slightly darker and greener.

  “You got any cats?” she suggested. Menace looked at her with confusion. “I got nothing, you got anything?”

  “Agos mendenthys?” suggested Menace with a playful shrug. The big wall of horrible pointy death suddenly dropped and landed in a giant crash. Gizzy opened one eye, uncovering her face and crotch to see the huge frozen wall of razory spikes, halted just feet from her.

  “Yea, we’re using that from now on…what just happened?” Gizzy asked.

  “No frigging clue.” Said a dumbfounded Izzy.

  “Cinnamons.” Said Menace, placing a small gold book down next to Izzy.

  “We got something, looks like a tiny book of spells. Menace swiped it from the gold box before we sold it.” Izzy said flipping through.

  “Seriously? Magic?” Gizzy sighed. “That’s stupid, you can’t do space and magic in the same thing. Nobody will accept that.”

  “Who cares, we got a magic book, let’s use it.” She shrugged.

  “Izz, there is no such thing as magic. Magic is just misunderstood science.” Complained Gizzy.

  “Well, Menace just saved you from an undead wall of broken glass by yelling a very misunderstood science spell, so we’re using it.” Izzy barked.

  “It’s got to be a remote transmitter or something, voice command for the power system that controls whatever technology emo-bitch used for the glass-wall.”

  "Actually she just had a wall of sand, your brilliant plan turned a slightly abrasive powder into a ball of writhing pongee sticks made of carcinogens and self-sharpening death-crystal.”

  “Yea yea, I get it. My fault. We’ve established that, moving on. Look for a data port on the remote.” Gizzy suggested, as Duffy and Marley made their way the long way around the big glass pile.

  “There is no data port, it’s just a gold book.” Izzy sighed.

  “Well it has to have an auxiliary input somewhere, maybe it’s optical, look for a light or a fiber-optic node.”

  “It’s 3 metal rings and about a dozen playing card-sized gold plates. There is no optical feed or battery, or antennae or anything. It’s metal plates and rings. It’s basically notebook made of metal.” Izzy informed.

  “Scan it.” Gizzy suggested.

  “Boy why didn’t I think to scan the-Oh right, I already scanned it! I’m sending you the file data, spoiler alert: IT’S A BUNCH OF GOLD AND SOME RINGS!”

  “Oh what the hell?” Gizzy said checking the date feed. “It’s just gold and some rings. Okay, I admit the technology is far more advanced than I’m familiar with, clearly I’m not seeing the interface as intended. Let me run a spectrum neutrino-graph…yea it’s gold. Rings are made of…also gold.”

  “PLAY!” yelled Menace.

  “No, no sweetie.” Said Gizzy. “Not Play magic time, Just misunderstood science book.”

  “Greg, you can science it later, meanwhile we’re just gonna use the spells as if they were magic, mkay?” asked Izzy in a tone that was more informing than asking.

  “They’re not spells, they are voice commands for a device we don’t understand.”

  “You’re breaking up, some kind of magical interference.” Izzy said X-ing out of the screen and taking a sip of her soda. Menace looked at her. “What? He’s a moody-ass diva when he’s wrong, I’m not wasting more time arguing.” Izzy shrugged, sipping away.

  "Oo000Oo" Who'd Menace.

  “Oh great Pyramid of power. We offer you this husk as sacrifice.” Anna chanted.

  “I don’t wanna be a husk!” yelled Lawg, struggling violently as the ritual continued and ghosts gathered around him and Anna, who was wielding a dagger and reciting her scientific voice commands of the underworld. She blew a handful of scientifical bone-ashes over Lawg as his eyes rolled back in a reasonable and scientifically explainable manner. Probably voodoo.

  Gizzy wailed on the wall of the pyramid, unable to make a dent.

  “What is this damn thing made of?” She huffed.

  “Scientifically fortified gold-metal, the hardest material we never heard of.” Izzy yawned.

  “Okay, I get it. It’s all magic, it’s ghosts and dark souls and spirit powers, can I get some help here now? Lawgs are dying as we debate this.” She said, looking up at the orbiting ship.

  “You don’t believe that, you’re just saying it to shut me up.” Izzy argued.

  “Of course I am, why isn’t it working? I’m wrong, your’re right, I said the words, you can't expect me to believe them too, that’s not something I can just switch on in my brain. You know modifying beliefs requires months of complicated reprogramming and several diagnostic updates and software patches. You of all people know what kind of glitchy shit that can cause, little miss reboot.” He scolded, somehow actually feeling Izzy’s angry eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, I’m just pissed off and hormonal. I’m not used to this estrogen, especially without you tapping into the feed and leveling out the buffer.”

  “Blaming the Estrogen. That’s it, we’re limiting your lady-time to a necessary priority. I’m orbit-dropping in the big Greg. Hold on, the feed cut is gonna be rough.”

  “No, no. I got this. Everything is under control. I do not need some big, strong, man to drop in and rescue us. That’s sexist, and I’m disappointed in you. This mission can be done without man-power. Lawg is fine, I got this.” Gixxy barked.

  Lawg screamed in terror as the petrified corpse encased in stone, began moving, and dried mummy wrappings struggled to break free from the ceiling above him.

  “I want a hug.” He cried.

  “Stop hugging me.” Gizzy said, pushing Duffy away.

  “You’re a chick, if you’re hormonal and moody you’re no good to this mission. You need friendly non-sexual physical affection. It’s called cuddling.”

  “No I don’t, I need a laser drill and about 40 pounds of CRC-13 hyperbaric explosives. Stop trying to emotionally assist me and break something!”

  "I’ll try scientifically reciting vocal commands into the magic diary.” Said Izzy.

  “Gotta be a seam around here.” Gizzy said, feeling for edges. She got flustered and just punched it, as a glowing yellow light illuminated the seam and the big door opened.

  “We just won’t tell him.” Shrugged Izzy, handing the book back to Menace.

  "paperclip." she nodded.

  “All I have to do is get into the main chamber” Gizzy said, loading her guns.

  “According to the totally not-magic book, you need a gold sword or a gold spear to kill the thing. Go with the sword.”

  “I can’t just shoot it a lot?” Gizzy complained.

  “Damnit Greg, you of all people know shooting something a lot doesn’t always kill it, you’re better with a sword anyway.”

  “Yea those are good points. Where is the stupid Magic Sword and what incantation activates the special bullshit powers?” Gizzy sighed.

  "Nobody can save you now, husk." Growled Ana.

  Gizzy stomped into the room, wielding a large gold sword.

  “Let’s get medieval.” She smirked. Anna stepped away from the stone table where Lawg was tied up and screaming like the expected damsel in distress would do, only way girlier. She smirked as well, and drew a sword from the stone stand.

  “You’ve come to save your man?” she asked.

  “No, no. no-no-no. Not my man. I don’t have a man, I don’t need or want a man, and if I batted for that team I’d pick one ten times better than that scrawny, brainless chicken-shit. Technically I’m here because of peer pressure and forced responsibility. I personally would vote to leave him, but everyone get’s mad when I suggest that so here I am. Plus I finally get to fight a super-powered chick and not feel like I’m breaking a rule. I’m not doing this for Lawg…I’m doing it for me…and Izzy, and also so I don’t get denied sex, and also so the crew doesn’t hate me. It’s complicated. Anyway, cue the girly music, this sleepover party just got hardcore, and you’re about to get a spanking.” Gizzy said readying the sword.

  “Eew, Greg. Why did you have to make it pornographic?” Izzy sighed.

  “Wasn’t intended that way, just wanted to sound badass. I’ve had very little time to think up badass one-liners for when I’m a chick."

  "Anna, Anna!" moaned a background of undead, peeling from the walls.

  “You need to make it quick, Gizzy.” Yelled Duffy “We got zombies or something trying to get in, and if movies have taught me anything, it’s that all the bad stuff conveniently goes neutral or dies when you kill the big baddy. So dead that creepy Emo-chick and let’s go home with Lawg and the money.”

  “EEEEmo-chick” chanted the zombies, obviously to encourage their horse in the undead race. It’s completely reasonable. Stop rolling your eyes.

  “Hold on Greg.” Said Izzy. “There may be a spell to make her mortal or something.”

  “I got this.” Sighed Gizzy, twirling the sword. Anna chuckled with a haunting laugh and several additional sets of arms unfolded from behind her back, all wielding numerous different swords.

  “Damn…”Gizzy sighed. “Nobody informed of that thing, I’mma just go run and grab 3 more swords real quic-” She requested as Emo-chick attacked furiously before she could punctuate properly. Gizzy ducked and blocked, diving out of the way and attempting a kill-shot. Her sword struck stone and bent like a boomerang.

  “What kind of crap-ass carnival-metal sword is this?” she complained.

  “Well…it’s made of gold…how durable did you think it would be?” asked Izzy, flipping through spells. “Hey I think this is it.”

  “Read it!” yelled Gizzy, dodging swipes and blocking with random gold treasure. She began reading the symbols until the translator ran out of ideas on the last symbol.

  “Didn’t work.” Gizzy yelled, taking a firm kick to the stomach and rolling out of the fight.

  “Look for a thing that resembles a gold mace.” Duffy said deciphering the hieroglyphics. “Should be held by the statue of Agamephistopolise, ancient deity of gold maces and long names.”

  “That’s ironic as hell.” Muttered Marley. Gizzy ran for the statue and snapped the hand off, blocking the upcoming strike with the mace.

  “This thing isn’t very practical, does it extend out and get longer or is this all the length I get?” Gizzy asked. Lawg chuckled.

  “That’s what she said.” Lawg muttered.

  “Really? That’s what you want your last words to be, numb-nuts?” Gizzy asked. Marley looked at Duffy.

  “It’s actually pretty fitting for Lawg’s last words.” Marley shrugged.

  “How we doing on that mortality command code?” asked Gizzy, swinging the short-mace and missing due to lack of reach.

  “The translation software can’t figure out the last symbol. I can’t finish the incantation without it!” she said. “I’m gonna try googling it, maybe there are some hints.”

  “What’s it look like? A lotus, lightning bolt, some kind of stork?” asked Marley.

  “I don’t know, it’s an alien hieroglyphic.” Defended Izzy.

  “Describe it the best you can!” Gizzy requested, taking a painful clip to the arm.

  “Like a box of Chinese takeout, with a flower growing out the right side, a squiggly under it that is dotted with a star, kind of a superman diamond outline but open slightly for a little squiggle of Arabic cursive.”

  “…WHAT!?” barked Gizzy.

  “That’s the best I got, this is a real shitstorm of a symbol, why do you think the universal scanner can’t figure it out?” she defended. “If it was a common stork it wouldn’t be very secure as a magic incantation to bring down a deity. It’s probably something only the person who made the book knows, that way it’s not easy for any tomb raider or mummy-hunter to just kill the thing they spent a century resurrecting for the apocalypse. They’re not gonna make it easy for you.”

  “The bitch has 6 arms and magic swords, they can’t even provide the heroine with a real weapon? Not one? I just get this defective non-extendy short-mace. It’s basically a gold plated pepper-grinder. It even says Made in Taiwan on the bottom.”

  “Try peppering her!” yelled Lawg, just before a rock whacked him in the face for the dumb suggestion.

  “Next one is gonna be a whole brick!” Gizzy said, as a sword impaled her side. “Anyone got any ideas that aren’t just seasoning the emo-chick?” Gizzy wheezed.

  Menace bagan frantically tugging on Izzy's shirt.

  “Do bricks just follow us?” asked Marley to Duffy.

  “Bricks are pretty common materials.” She shrugged, tossing some dynamite into a doorway and collapsing it to prevent zombie from hoarding through.

  “How much ammo we got left?” he asked.

  “BUTTERED CORN!” encouraged Menace.

  “About 2 mags, and my lunch.” She shrugged, holding up her fish sandwich she packed for her lunch. She twirled it and dropped it back into the backpack.

  “Hope zombies are allergic to seafood.” Marley sighed. “Geese, Duff, I can smell the butter in that thing. How much butter do you use?”

  “…there’s no butter. This imitation crab-roll is a mayonnaise roll. There’s no butter.”

  Gizzy wheezed and bled blue, holding her gold stick and hoping for assistance as Emo-Anna circled and fancifully spun her 6 armed arms.

  “Y’all do realize I can just give you 5 minutes to clear the temple and just nuke it from the inside? We can clone Lawg back and call it even.” Gizzy suggested.

  “First off, it’s the principal, we can’t just treat the crew like Osirians and consider them expendable and printable. That messes with mortal’s heads and causes psychological damage we can’t predict. Furthermore, it may not even work, you remember the death-tsunami you created earlier, that wasn’t very productive was it?” Izzy argued.

  “AUGH, I hate magic. Just fix this magic with more magic. Start guessing at the incantation, you probably cant make it any worse.” Gizzy yelled, taking a scratch across the face. “My friggin eye!” she yelled angrily.

  “Wow, they really do get the hint early, and just go for the eyes.” Marley noted.

  “It’s a chick-fight between immortals, what else do you go for? Nut-shot?” Duffy shrugged, whacking a zombie with a fish-sandwich.

  “BUTTERD CORN!” yelled Menace, looking like she had an idea or just really had to pee. It was difficult to tell which. She tugged Izzy's sleeve harder.

  “We’re in the Thaal system, right? asked Izzy. “What’s ancient Thaalian word for buttered corn?” she asked, typing into Spoogle Search.

  “Well?” asked one-eyed Gizzy, flailing wildly with a gold stick.

  “It’s not Osirian internet, these things take a minute. Okay we got results: Two girls, one corn-cob. How to tell if your corn is organic, where to buy gluten-free corn. How to make butter from scratch using a magnifying glass and role of tape…a band named CoRN, some tribal-chief guy on tweeter named Robert Butteredcorn. There’s like 37 trillion results and they're all stupid. I’m jus gonna take a picture of the symbol and try reverse image searching.” She sighed. “Mortal internet is a joke.” She scoffed.

  “It’s 99 percent cats and dick-pics, you’re lucky if you get anything useful.” Duffy shrugged. “Unless you like cats and dicks, then it’s great.”

  “How you guys holding out?” Izzy asked politely, while typing frantically.

  “Like Microwaved dog-shit!” yelled Gizzy, watching Anna’s severed arm grow back with another sword already in her hand.

  “Actually we’re doing okay, turns out zombies are deathly allergic to seafood.” Duffy nodded casually.

  “Hit her with a halberd!” Lawg yelled.

  “You mean a Halibut?” Izzy asked.

  “I dunno the difference; both would make sense in this setting.” Lawg yelled.

  “Right, because advanced aliens who were deathly allergic to fish would have fresh fish buried in their temple in case someone needed to kill them.” Gizzy snipped, readying a brick.

  ‘Don’t brick me, I’m trying to help.”

  “BUTTERED CORN!” yelled a frantic Menace at Izzy, jumping up and down.

  “WHAT? What does that mean? Speak up girl, use more words. Is the symbol corn? Is there a corn weapon in the temple? Is Timmy in the well? Are you just really hungry?” Izzy asked. Menace rolled her eyes and took the keyboard, typed frantically and brought up a picture of a temple and a statue of an alien god, holding a stalk of corn.

  “It’s a corn-spear. They’re corn-worshippers. This is a Mayan pyramid, not an Egyptian pyramid. Forget the magic mace, there is a gold spear that looks like a stalk of corn, don’t argue just go find it and cob the bitch.” Izzy suggested. Gizzy took another deep gash across the ribs, getting exceptionally angry and trying not to just nuke the temple with gamma rays and microwave radiation. The stone door opened and Duffy came running out in slow motion, wielding a golden cornstalk spear and in a very college-javelin manner.

  “Move away, I was conveniently a runner-up college spear-throwing athlete.”

  she hopped and planted her feet, throwing the stalk. The corn planted itself into Emo-chick’s back, lighting her up with a golden glow and shaking the entire temple.

  “Why corn?” asked Marley.

  “Who cares, this temple is breaking up and this whole place is full of dead ends and traps.

  “You mean like a maze?” asked Gizzy. “it’s a corn maze…we’re in an Amazing Maize Maze?” she sighed, looking closer at the gold stick and noticing the rounded spikes looked a lot like nibs. “I’m fighting with a Maize-Mace in a Maize-Maze?”

  “Buttered corn.” Smiled Menace proudly, clapping and bobbing.

  Our brave heroes and also Lawg, sprinted dramatically out of the Amazing Maize-Maze with their maize-mace. They darted out the entrance as the temple shook and collapsed around them. The giant crystal nib at the top fell through the splitting stones as the occasional burst of white fluff popped out from the broken seams in the pyramid’s side.

  “This whole place is gonna pop!” Yelled Lawg.

  “SCARABS!” yelled Menace.

  "No honey.” Comforted Izzy. “It’s just oversized blue-corn nibs being ejected.” She said patting her head. Menace let out a sigh of relief, munching on her flip-flop sandal.

  “What about the money? We have to go back in and retrieve it!” said Lawg trying to break free of Gizzy’s grip. Duffy brick-whacked him to calm him down.

  “We left it outside the pyramid, in case it all started collapsing or slowly lowering into the sand, giving us just enough time to escape but not carrying any treasure. We’ve all seen movies, Lawg…granted we didn’t see the corn-thing coming, but the prep still helped.” She shrugged as they neared the spot where the alien camels were patiently waiting, munching on stray pop-fluff. They all faded to a stop and turned to see the mushroom-cloud of popcorn rising in the distance.

  “See?” noted Duffy. “If you had nuked the corn-queen she would have just gotten bigger and fluffier and you would have popped the whole temple with us inside. Sometimes you just gotta put aside the brute force and think like a comedy-writer.”

  Gizzy rolled her eye, maybe both, the missing one made it hard to tell.

  “Oh snap, crackle and pop!” Lawg gasped. “Are you just blind now?”

  “Of course not, I’m a sexy immortal demigod. You know how inconvenient it would be to have me permanently blinded and wear an eye patch like some kind of pirate-angel? I’ll just conveniently get another spare eye from the little furry guy that probably has one in the space-ship, so I don’t have to wear an eye patch all the time. I’ll even get a fancy one that glows with my other eye and somehow withstands my energy powers. We got one of those, right, token furry guy?” he asked Marley.

  “I think I have exactly one in the glove-box.”

  “See? It’s fine. I’mma go have a cob-salad.” She yawned.

  Back on the ship, Duffy relaxed in the den with Lawg, watching cartoons and drizzling butter over a huge slice of popcorn. Lawg yawned.

  “Well at least we have food, even if the gold we collected was just aluminum with a layer of dried butter on it, making everything look gold.

  “Greg’s kinda pissed about that.” She shrugged.

  “Yea he’s still not used to our ironically unfortunate luck. He’ll get used to all the rewards being disappointing tricks, and learn to enjoy the little things like free popcorn and not being turned into a living husk by a multi-armed emo-chick. Pass the tortilla chips.” He nudged.

  “Corn-salsa?” she asked.

  “Ooh, nice.” He said taking a dip. “Very corn-forward. You know that was my nickname in highschool?”

  “No it wasn’t.”

  “No, it wasn’t…good chips though.” He nodded.

  “Yea, good chips.”