"What?"
"Oh my god. The Muddy Gambler. Right in front of me. I must be dreaming. You have such bad boys vibes in person. Like I can totally feel your aura of dark energy."
"What?"
"Oh my god. You were totally awesome. I can't believe you really painted yourself head-to-toe in mud? That's like... art."
"What?"
"And I'll never forget the way you said it. You know. The word. Sometimes I whisper it to myself at night. 'Again, again, again.' Ah, it gives chills. Say it for me, please, just once. I'm begging."
Bob blushed and ran a hand across his bald, muddy head. He looked down and muttered out, "Again."
The girl practically swooned. "And the evil manager was totally quaking in his boots. And you stood up, and looked straight at me, and said, 'You're all free now.'"
"I remember you. You were the pretty girl on the other side of the table taking pictures."
"He remembers me! The pretty girl, he says. I knew you were looking at me. No one believes me, but I knew. And now we're together again. It's just like I always imagined. Honest! I'll show you – I even edited myself into a picture with you. Do you want to see?"
"Maybe later."
"But what happened to your hair? I liked you better with hair. No, don't get me wrong, you still look awesome. You just looked even more awesome with hair, if that's even possible."
"Fire-breathing dog. You know. Shit happens." Was he trying to act cool to impress this teenage girl? Shut up. It's an irrepressible male instinct. There's no fighting it.
"That's so awesome." She got it.
"Anastasia, a pleasure to be... reunited." He held out a hand and she hugged him. She held on way too long, but Bob wasn't complaining. "So, Anastasia, should I take us back up to the surface?"
"You can do that?"
"Well, turns out the mud has a thing for me."
Now, it would have been really cool if Bob could platform up the ground beneath them and tower them towards the surface. It didn't work that way. He couldn't harden natural mud. That meant he actually needed to get inside the mud and use it like a current to push him forward. He didn't think she'd enjoy it. He was wrong.
"This is totally awesome." They were slithering together up through the mud. Bob's max speed was in the single digits.
"Hey, did you know I have an earth-clearing spell?"
"Really? Is that so? I had no idea."
"Don't you think that suits your ability? We are so compatible!"
"Yeah, I guess. I hadn't thought of that. We are compatible, aren't we?"
"Totally!"
They reached the top and emerged squelchingly onto the tunnel floor. They were drenched in mud. Bob didn't mind. He was used to it and he needed it for his mud-monster bonus. Strangely Anastasia didn't seem to mind either. Something was wrong with that girl and Bob didn't know whether to be freaked out or delighted.
The whole invasion troop was already assembled and waiting. A muscular, bald man in his early thirties looked like he was in-charge. He stepped forward and barked at the girl, "Anastasia, who's that?"
"It's a secret."
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"Anastasia, who the fuck is that?"
"Fine Ali, I'll give you a hint. He's saved me twice now."
"Dammit woman."
"You're so mean. I mentioned him a hundred times. It's the Muddy Gambler."
"The what?"
"Oh my god, seriously? I even showed you his picture!"
"You mean, the guy who rescued you in the fourth challenge? The one who somehow broke the whole casino just to save you, because he'd fallen in love with you at first sight?"
"Yes! You do remember!"
"No way in hell is that guy's real."
"Oh my god, why will no one ever believe me? Look." She pulled out her smartphone (that somehow still had charge) and beamed her wallpaper at everyone. "See?"
It was a picture of her and Bob holding hands. She held up to Bob's face so everyone could see the resemblance. Bob didn't quite manage to smile.
"I don't believe my eyes. It is you."
"Hello. Muddy Gambler here." Bob waved friendly.
"How did you... Where..." The poor leader seemed to be struggling to make sense of it all. Bob was right there with him. "Don't tell me you came looking for Anastasia?"
Wow. Should Bob do it? It was like mana from heaven. They were giving him the perfect excuse. In one fell swoop, he could explain what he was doing here, where he'd come from; he could make himself relatable and sympathetic. It was a get-out-of-jail-free card. The only downside was Anastasia. And that might even be an upside. She was eighteen right. Six years wasn't such a big difference. She was kinda cute.
Bob looked down at the girl. Anastasia's eyes were sparkling with pleasure and a pink blush had shaded her cheeks. Bob didn't think he'd ever seen anyone look at him quite like that. No amount of money in all the world could buy eyes like that.
"You came looking for me?" The girl grabbed Bob's arm and snuggled closer. Somewhere Sophie was watching the monitors and cursing the shit out of him.
"Sure, I mean, yeah, of course, or, well, see," Bob was sweating, "you might say, I happened to be in the neighborhood. The truth is... well, I live here."
"What?" The man looked confused. "You live here, in the mud? Like an earthworm?"
"Er... yeah, sure, you can think of it like that."
"A mud-human, cool." A little boy's voice sounded out.
Anastasia had drifted off into her own little private world. She wore a dreamy smile and twirled her fingers through her long hair, while clutching onto Bob's arm (no escape). Now and again she would whisper quietly to herself and Bob would just catch the words: "he came all the way for me."
Bob grimaced. You mustn't play with little girls' hearts. His expression did not escape Ali's attention. The older man eyed him up and down with an amused snarl. They were all friends here now. Ali slung an arm around Bob's shoulder.
"So Mr. Muddy Gambler. What's your name?"
Oh crap. Here it comes: "The name's Robert Brown."
"Robert," the man chewed on the name; Bob waited and hoped and prayed. "You mean like Bob then."
"I strongly prefer to be called Robert."
A couple of the adults looked between each other. Crap, crap, crap.
"Now, you wouldn't happen to be the Bob would you?"
"Like I said, call me Robert."
"You're not Bob the Brown are you?"
Mayday, mayday. The gig's up. They know me. Or hold on, Bob the Brown? Who's that? Bob didn't think he'd ever heard that title before. But it had to be him right? That was just too on the nose.
Noticing Bob's confusion, the leader stepped forward and shared a system screen with him. Didn't know you could share system screens.
System Leaderboard (simple)
- Bob the Brown (level 10, rank D)
- Paul of the Spear (level 10, rank D)
- King Cock (level 10, rank D)
- George the Golden (level 10, rank E/D)
- Cassandra Blade (level 9, rank E)
- Black Eye (level 9, rank E)
- The Blossom Princess (level 9 rank E)
- Kenshin Mushin (level 9, rank E)
- Asha Anansi (level 9, rank E)
- Serpent Sky (level 9 rank E)
I'm number one. And what the hell? The system couldn't just assign him a random title like that. There needed to be meetings, agreements and processes. Bob the Brown. I mean that's just... Bob the Brown. He rolled the sounds around in his mouth. Bob the Brown. You know that's kinda good. I sorta like. It makes me sounds like a wizard. Not bad system, not bad at all. I'm going to have use that, system.
The next time Bob got into fight he knew exactly what he was going to say. He'd give them a hard eye from under his hood and in his deepest wizard voice: "You cannot pass! I am Bob the Brown, a servant of the Sleeping Dark, wielder of the Mud of Egypt. The weapons of the enemy will not avail you, minion of Sys'truk. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass."
"Fine. I'll come clean. They call me: Bob the Brown, Arch Wizard of the Mud."
"So that's why you're covered in mud? And why you live down there in the mud."
A good number of the company aahed and nodded their heads like somehow everything had been explained.
"Magic-training and all," Bob tapped his nose conspiratorially.
And then someone else called out, "you wouldn't be Lord Bob, would you?"
"Pardon?"
"I hadn't thought of that," said Ali, stepping back and expanding Bob, "you know, Lord Bob. The million credit guy. From the Kill Bob quest."
Jesus Christ. That's what people are calling that quest? That is not reassuring.
"Me? What? I... well, now hypothetically, hypothetically mind, if I said, 'maybe,' how would you good people feel about it?"
Someone twitched and the next second a projectile was hurtling towards Bob.