26

  An hour later, Edric was still crying. He had fled to the room Simend kept for him in his home and sealed the door behind himself. He had not turned on any of the lights, leaving himself in an impenetrable darkness broken only by the dim pulse of the lights in his arm and on the locking mechanism around the door's frame. His pillow was soaked through. He'd turned it over twice. He'd ripped off his own tunic. Even the sensation of the fabric on his skin was too much. He needed to not feel. He needed so badly to not even be. For the entire hour, his mind roiled over the same questions without ever being able to focus long enough to even contemplate finding answers. How could he face anyone in town again? Now that they all knew what he was. What he liked. How disgusting he was. Would they talk to him even if he wanted to see them? Or would they look at him the same way Binta had? He was almost glad that he would never see Sara again, because he could not stand to see her look at him the same way.

  "Edric?" called a voice at his door, accompanied by a soft knock.

  Edric's breath caught, and he sat up. That was Sara's voice. She had come back. Then the scorn twisting Binta's face flashed again through his mind, and he threw himself back onto his bed. He couldn't risk seeing Sara again. He couldn't! "Go away, Sara," he called into his pillow.

  "Let me in, please," she replied. "I want to talk to you."

  "I can't right now," he said. "I'm busy." He buried his face deeper into his pillow. What kind of nonsense excuse was that? What could he possibly be busy with? Washing his face with his tear-soaked pillow? She must understand what had just happened. Why else would she be there? But she didn't respond. He hadn't heard her leave, though, and he knew the platinum walls of Simend's home did nothing to block sound.

  He groaned again and rolled onto his side, staring at the door. Why had she come? So she could spurn him too? Was it not enough that Binta had exposed him in front of all of them? He could still see the look on her face. The disgust. The contempt. His chest began to tighten all over again as her words echoed through his head. That she deserved a real man. Not something like him. And now Sara had come to… To what, even? Rub his nose in it? To placate him with false platitudes about how it was fine if he struggled to enjoy sex like a real man was supposed to? To pity him?

  A torrent of sobs burst forth once again from deep within him, hard enough this time he was afraid it might cause physical harm. His trauma training went into overdrive somewhere back where he couldn't hear it, debating whether he could tear muscles or dislocate joints through despair alone. He couldn't stop himself even when the banging resumed on the door, much more forcefully than before. "Open the door, Edric," Sara said, and he could tell she had no intention of taking no for an answer.

  Not that he cared. "No!" he shouted between sobs. "I'd rather die!"

  "Don't make me get Simend!" she shouted back.

  "Do it!" Edric cried. "Only my symbiote can open that door. Now just leave me alone!"

  "I said open," Sara growled, and with a loud clunk and a torrent of gold though the sigils on the door, the portal sprung open. The princess and the shark gaped at each other through the opening until the glow piercing even Sara's tunic faded away.

  "How did you…?" Edric said slowly, but he was unable to get out any more before Sara charged into the room and jumped on top of him, knocking him from his side onto his back. His neck turned sharply to the side when his fin stopped his head from rolling with the rest of him. He could barely see her in the little light spilling into the room from the hallway.

  "I'm so sorry!" she said, burying her face in his chest and trying to wrap her arms around his much larger frame. "I can't believe that woman said those things to you! And in public, no less! It's bad enough to think them, but to intentionally try to hurt you like that. Especially since you still loved her."

  Edric held his arms out to his sides, hands wide open. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to touch her. She was so small, and he was so angry. "Get off me, Sara," he said. "I don't want to hurt you."

  She lifted her face from his chest. "I'm not made of glass, Edric, nor am I a child. You won't hurt me," she said. She began to crawl up his chest, he presumed to look him in the eyes, but she managed to plant a knee directly in his crotch on her way. He grunted and doubled over on himself, knocking Sara onto the floor. She hit with a thud and a yelp.

  "See?" Edric cried, rolling over so his back was to her. "I will hurt you!"

  "Okay, yes, that hurt," Sara said, pulling herself back up to her feet. "But that was my fault. Are you okay?"

  "No!" he shouted. Then he groaned. "I mean, yes, my balls are fine. You just surprised me, but I'm obviously not okay!"

  "I know. I'm sorry," Sara said. "Sorry about asking if you're okay when I know you're not, that is. I mean, I'm sorry for kneeing you in the crotch too. I didn't mean to."

  Edric covered his eyes with his hands. "Can we…?" He took a deep breath. "Can we not? Please? I don't want to talk about…" He didn't finish the thought. He didn't want to talk about his balls, especially with Sara. He couldn't take another woman telling him how weak and unmanly he was.

  Sara sat on the bed behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish I could make you open up the way I opened the door," she said. He could hear the pity in her voice. Her words stabbed through him, prying open his chest as surely as she said she could not. "I wish I could make you understand that—"

  "Stop!" Edric cried, curling tighter around himself. "Please! Don't say anything else. You're trying to tell me that Binta's wrong, that I'm not weak. That I'm not broken. But I am, Sara! Binta's right! I don't enjoy fulfilling the man's role with a woman. No matter how much I might love her, it's always better when another man is…" He couldn't finish the sentence. His face burned, and his lunch threatened to come back up.

  "Then why were you with Binta at all?" Sara asked.

  "Because I love her!" he answered. "And I thought she loved me. I would do anything for her. I tried so hard to be what I was supposed to be for her. I gave her everything she wanted. Attention. Care. A nice house. Good clothes. An easy life. All my love. But I wanted one thing for me, too. Just one thing. One thing she couldn't give, and one thing I couldn't ask her for. Because I knew. I knew this exact thing would happen. Just like it had both times before."

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  "You didn't tell her you were sleeping with other people?" Sara asked.

  "I did!" Edric said. "We talked about it! Me and Simend's work keeps us gone for months at a time. Binta and I agreed that neither of us expected the other to be celibate while I was gone. She just…" He sniffled. "She didn't think that I'd… She expected me to be the dominant partner."

  "Wouldn't it be easier to just be with a man then?" Sara asked. "I mean, you're obviously sleeping with Simend. Why don't the two of you just…?" Sara's voice trailed off.

  "Because I like women, Sara," Edric said. "I like everything about you. The way you look. The shape of your curves. The way those curves feel. The sounds you make." He took a deep breath. From this close he could faintly smell her, and even after an entire year, Sara still carried with her the scent of the roses of New Rome. "The way you smell."

  "Edric…"

  "I mean," he stuttered. "You as in women in general. Not you as in you specifically. Or anything like that. Besides," he went on before she could add anything else. "Sim knows how I feel. He knows I don't really love him. He's like a brother to me. Well, you know. Like a brother who fucks me. And you should hear the grief he gives me about it."

  "What?" Sara yelled. "Is Simend giving you a hard time about this? Do I need to slap him too?"

  "No, don't hit him," Edric said. "It's just Sim being Sim. Besides, he hasn't teased me about it for a while now. Might even have been a couple years at this…" Then he finally processed what Sara had said and trailed off mid-thought. "Wait. What do you mean, 'too?'" He rolled over just enough to stare at her over his shoulder, his bloodshot eyes wide. "Please tell me you didn't slap Bea."

  "I will tell you no such thing!" Sara said, crossing her arms. "She deserved it. And I'd do it again! Especially after seeing you here like this. Seeing how badly she hurt you makes me furious all over again. You know what, I am going to hit her again. For real this time."

  The princess began to stand up, but Edric rolled over and grabbed her by the hips, wrapping himself around her midsection to keep her from going. "No!" he cried, his face buried against her side. "Don't do that! It just makes me feel worse. I still care about her, Sara! And having a woman go off to fight for me just makes me feel even more useless than I really am."

  Sara didn't say anything, but neither did she struggle to get free from him. After a moment, he pulled his head from her side and peeked up at her. She was frowning down at him, her brows knit. "I know you're hurting," she said. "So I'm going to let your implication that women shouldn't fight slide for now."

  He grimaced. "That's not what I meant," he said.

  "I know," she replied. She reached down and began to stroke his head, always in the direction of his scales. He let her. He didn't have the strength to fight. Besides, it felt really nice. "So we'll address that later. Right now, I'm okay with just being glad that you've decided to open up to me after all. Thank you for telling me all this. I know it can't have been easy."

  He buried his face again, and Sara kept stroking his head. "I'm sorry," he told her. "I feel awful making you put up with me like this. You don't have to. You should just leave me alone for a while like I told you to. I'll get over it. I've done it before, I can do it again. Because seriously. Who's going to put up with me?"

  "I would," Sara said.

  He snorted. "That's sweet of you," he said. "But I meant as an actual partner."

  Sara's hand slowed and lingered beside his fin. "So did I," she said after a moment's hesitation.

  Edric's stomach rolled, and he curled up tighter around her. "Please don't," he breathed. "I know you're trying to be nice and make me feel better, but please don't. Not right now. I can't stand to have my heart hurt again so soon, and I know you're with Dalibor."

  "I, uh…" Sara said. Her fingers rapped nervously against the back of his neck. "We're not. Together, that is. If we ever were."

  That didn't make any sense. How could they not have been together? Edric loosened his grip on her and pushed away so he could see her better. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at her fingers. "What?" he asked. "You two spend almost every waking minute together and sleep together every night. You're closer than Binta and I ever were."

  "I know," Sara said, not looking away from her fiddling fingers. "But that was always… You know. Me. Not us. I wanted to be something more with him. I really thought he wanted that too at one point. But he made clear back in Alexandria that he felt about me the same way you feel about Simend. Like I was a sister. And not one that he fucks, just to be clear. Then today, after Binta's little spectacle, when I was ranting about how angry I was at Binta and how worried I was about you, he…" She paused to take a deep breath. "He told me to just go be with you. Because it was clear where my heart was."

  "He dumped you?" Edric asked. "Just like that? Are you okay? Do I need to go slap him for you?"

  "No, Edric," she said with a chuckle. "No, he's right. And I'm fine. Besides, he can't really dump me when the two of us aren't even together like that. I mean, the two of us have shared tents and rooms and beds for over a year now, and nothing has ever happened. He's very cuddly and very affectionate, and I truly adore him, but there isn't going to be anything more than that between us. And I realize now that the sort of affection he gives me isn't going to be enough for me. You, though…" The sudden huskiness in her voice made Edric's cheeks flush, and Sara took his unaugmented hands in hers. Or tried. Her hand was so small. "You have been nothing but kind to me, Edric Fisher," Sara said. "The entire time we've known each other, you've been kind and gentle and considerate. You care what I think in ways that the people back in New Rome never did. You want my opinion. You ask my permission. You make sure I'm taken care of before I even know I need something."

  "That's my job," he said. He did not pull his hand away from hers.

  "I know," she said. "But it's Simend's job too, and he doesn't do any of those things. Dalibor does them, but it always feels like he's doing it because he knows he's supposed to. Like it's a duty or like his warlord's instincts tell him its the optimal course of action. With you, it always felt like you did it because you wanted to. Even when you insisted on treating me like a child that would break if somebody looked at me wrong. Even when I know you went off to sleep with Simend after you and I parted. And even after we got back, after your job was over and you could have gone back to Binta, you chose to be with me instead." Her fingers froze. "Oh no. Edric! Do you think that's why Binta did this? Because she knew you cared for me? Was this my fault?"

  Edric was up in an instant with his arms wrapped around her. "No," he said. "Don't you dare think that. You did nothing wrong. This is on me, not you. If I could just act like a man should, none of this would have happened."

  "But you didn't do anything wrong either!" Sara said. "If somebody really loves you, they should love all of you. You shouldn't have to be somebody you're not just to make a person care about you."

  "But who's going to care about me after they know what I am?" Edric reminded her.

  That was apparently the limit of Sara's benevolent patience with him. "I already said I would, you oversized, fish-brained dolt!" she shouted.

  The course of Edric's thoughts crashed into her words and scattered all about the room. He couldn't even string together a way to collect them again. He just sat as her words replayed themselves, time and time again, inside his echoing skull. She was just being nice. She didn't mean it. She couldn't mean it. He was broken. No woman could want him. She was just being nice.

  "Edric?" she said.

  He realized then that he still had her trapped in an embrace, so he flung his arms out to free her. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to—"

  But she immediately reached up, grabbed his arms, and pulled them back around her. "I had been going to say that this was nice," she said. "Before you ruined it."

  His thoughts exploded this time, much like Simend's radiant flames. "Sorry," he mumbled. Without releasing her hold on his arms, she opened his grasp just long enough to wiggle fully into his lap before closing herself back in his embrace. She nestled into his chest, twined her fingers between his, and sighed in contentment. They sat that way for some time. Eventually, Edric let himself relax. He lowered his head, letting his broad jaw rest on the top of her head. She was so small that she fit perfectly against him. She was warm, too. He could almost feel her warmth, her radiance, burning away a cold and loneliness that he hadn't even known had been rooted so deeply within him. "You're so warm," he whispered.

  She nuzzled her cheek against his bare chest. "You're not," she said. His stomach lurched, but she wasn't done. "But I don't want you to let me go."

  "Then I won't," Edric said, and he did not.