Gisele stood at the edge of the Mandir. She took a breath and then shouted “Mystic Trooper Pink!” One time stop and a seriously great Guitar solo later she was back in her spandex and armor. She spun her pole arm flamboyantly and posed heroically, “Let’s do this!”

  “Hold up,” I said, raising a hand.

  Gisele stopped mid-step just inside the Mandir’s field.

  “Doug! You can’t just spring that on people!” Gisele called. After a beat she asked, “Seriously what is that?”

  Oh right. The Analyze Skill is crazy rare and everyone is super uncomfortable with it. I should probably ask permission before doing that. … or do I need to find a means of hiding that I have the skill. Brand and Angelica did react badly to me admitting to having the skill. Should I lie more? No, I am quite bad at that… also it is wrong and junk.

  “Weren’t you super hyped to prove you should go to war?” I asked in an attempt to change the subject

  “I mean yeah,” Gisele said, taking the bait.

  “Cool hold that thought. Spine hold still.” I said and then immediately used Analyze again. Learning is exceptionally hard when you are trying to beat the clock.

  Spine did not hold still. He turned to look at me and took a step back before asking, “Why? What are you gonna do? eghk!”

  Uh-oh.

  I selected one second.

  “I may have done a bad thing here.” I muttered to myself. “Hey Denise, could you come down here?”

  “What’s up?” Denise asked.

  “Why is everybody so weak?” I asked.

  Denise blinked at me. She was clearly trying to figure out if I was stupid. Then she realized I was. Then she mentally switched gears to trying to devise a polite way to say that without me smashing her head. I could tell that last bit because she was staring at my hands as she slowly almost imperceptibly took a series of teeny, tiny, baby steps away from me.

  “Denise so long as you hold to our agreement I am not going to hurt you,” I said. I rubbed my eyes. I was developing a near Narrator headache.

  Denise gazed at me doubtfully, “The mystic troopers are some of the strongest Common Scale players for their level on the planet. The power coins make them effectively Rare Scale.”

  “So why is Spine almost as strong as me?” I asked. The little guy was actually a serious heavy.

  “Doug, Spine has apotheosed. Less than ten thousand people alive today have done that. He is the only one at Common Scale alive today to do that. He also has nothing but Heroic Scale Perks and Two Demigod Scale Traits. Then all the buffs from your pact. You have put more resources in to him than most nations put into Heroic Scale players.” Denise checked her phone. She frowned.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  “It’s just Brandon.” Denise said looking up from her phone. “Lindsey is being… You don’t care.”

  “Why do you care?” I asked. I regretted that immediately. That was involving myself.

  “I don’t get to meet a lot of people. Brandon has his charms. Did you know he has an idea to end the forever war in Europe? It’s just that no one will give him a chance.” Denise stopped. She didn’t like the look on my face, “What?”

  “You can do better than Brandon,” I told her. “Seriously, get a pet, or take up rock collecting. The dude is an idiot.”

  “That’s not true,” Denise objected.

  “He’s banging Lindsey,” I countered. “First rule of being a guy is never stick your dick in crazy. He messed up rule one. And rule 6 always clear the zipper first. Don’t get involved in that.” I didn’t want to deal with finding a new Narrator. The next one might be another Wilson. That would be bad.

  Denise almost argued with me, “I am not going to discuss my relationships with you. Did you want something else?”

  “How do you craft a training dagger?” I asked.

  “I wouldn’t,” Denise said, baffled.

  “How would I craft a training dagger?” I pressed.

  Denise sighed dramatically as she checked her phone.

  Time started after a blizzard of Crafting checks. Technically what I had crafted were two Full Contact Training Daggers, and ten Full Contact Training Arrows. They would each do five damage per hit.

  “Okay before we get going on this, Spine, take these knives and arrows and give me your normal ones.” I held them out.

  “That’s cheating!” Tamara declared.

  “There is no cheating in war,” I said.

  “Then how do you explain war crimes,” Tobias asked clearly unimpressed with my bullshit.

  “It’s never a war crime the first time,” I said, quoting an electrician of non-svelteness.

  Spine took the weapons I offered and after a moment's hesitation gave me his stuff to hold.

  Spine and Gisele gazed at each other for a long moment. Then they kept doing that. The gazing just wouldn’t end.

  “Are you two going to fight?” Zarina called.

  “Is someone going to say ‘1, 2, 3, go!’?” Gisele asked.

  Spine, seizing the moment, shot her with his crossbow.

  “Ow! Dammit!” Gisele roared. She was pissed. She charged Spine, twirling her pole arm.

  “Timeout!” Spine shrieked. He held up his hands trying to ward off Gisele.

  For reasons I can’t begin to fathom, Gisele stopped mid swing.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

  “He called timeout?” Gisele said almost whining. She turned to glare at me.

  Spine took this opportunity to reload his crossbow and shot Gisele in the ass.

  “Ow! Why?!” Gisele shrieked.

  “There are no timeouts in war,” I explained.

  “That’s not fair!” Gisele insisted.

  “I am going to side with Doug,” Zarina said, shuffling a little closer to me, “War isn’t fair.”

  Gisele was not prepared for a united front of Doug-Zarina dickery. She gaped at us stunned.

  Spine shot her again.

  “You dick!” Gisele roared as she charged Spine.

  Trouble is Spine had been back peddling during Gisele's appeals to Zarina and my sense of fairness. She had forgotten that we didn’t want the Mystic Troopers to go to war. Regardless, Spine had the space to make yet another shot. This one hit her in the knee. It also caused an explosion of sparks.

  There are a lot of things you could say about Gisele, but no one could fault her grit. She kept running with a damn bolt in her knee. I mean I could probably do that, but I would bitch the entire time.

  With a dramatic twirl of her polearm Gisele clocked Spine upside the head. She then spun on her heels and struck him with the butt of her weapon. Then she just sort of stabbed him.

  “Nuuuhaaaagh!” Spine screamed incoherently as he stepped into another vicious strike from Gisele. The thing is though this got him into stabbing range. Spine hit her with a left and a right. Both impacts caused an explosion of sparks. The second hit also caused Gisele to flip backwards almost in slow motion.

  With a blaze of pink light she was no longer in her mystic trooper form. Spine bore down on her knives raised. He had one eye swollen shut and the other had a vengeful glint in it.

  “Spine, Stop!” I called.

  Spine considered for a brief instant and didn’t maliciously stab Gisele while she was down.

  Gisele raised her head and after a beat slammed the butt of her weapon into Spine’s crotch

  “Oof!” every man other than Spine said on reflex.

  “Gisele what the hell?” I demanded.

  “You said ‘there are no timeouts in war’,” She shouted back.

  “Stop!” Zarina ordered.

  “You alright Spine?” I asked.

  “Give me a minute,” Spine managed, his voice much higher than normal.

  When it was clear neither Spine nor Gisele were going to stab the other, I turned to Zarina, “So, Spine wins?”

  Zarina didn’t look happy, “Yeah I would say he did.”

  “I can still fight,” Gisele insisted.

  “That’s not the point you lost,” I told her.

  “Didn’t you just say there were no rules in war?” Gisele pressed.

  “I said there was no cheating in war. You absolutely can die. Which having your shell break counts as dying,” I was being a bit petulant, but she also totally lost.

  Spine tossed his hands in the air and whooped, “Hell yeah! I have taken a life! I win!”

  “Does that mean none of us can go to war?” Bob asked.

  “No,” Zarina said. That was unfortunate.

  Mostly because I said “Yes.” at the same time.

  The real issue here is Bob had asked an ambiguous question so either answer was confusing. Also Zarina and I didn’t coordinate. The true kicker was the kids heard what they wanted to hear and took that as a que. Momentum can and often does trump intent.

  “I’ll take him on,” Tobias said, stepping forward with his massive club.

  Some sweet guitar riffs and a transformation sequence later Tobias was bearing down on Spine.

  Spine was drunk on his earlier victory and made a crucial mistake. Instead of shooting or getting the hell out of the way of the massive club he gloated, “I am a killer! What are you gonna do-oof!”

  Tobias just womped Spine. The huge club made a Louisville slugger baseball bat on ball cracking sound. Spine went flying. Spine was big for a goblin but still wasn’t actually big. He took off like a rocket ship and sailed through the air like an arrogant stooge about to face check reality… and the ice.

  Like all things, Spine's time in the sky came to an end. He bounced and rolled to his feet. He then charged Tobias shouting obscenities. I am not going to repeat them. Mostly because it was a glorious stream of cuss words and I forget the exact order. Also I don’t think Human should be a derogatory term.

  Tobias’s feeling may have been hurt but that didn’t stop him from hammering Spine with his massive club again. Spine was launched into the sky once more. This time when he landed he started shooting at Tobias.

  Tobias had a strategy for that. After getting shot the second time he shouted at Spine, “You know only scared little girls just shoot at people.” he taunted.

  Spine paused and considered. He did want to be seen as a big, strong man. After a second he said, “Eh fuck you I am a feminist.” He then Shot Tobias again.

  What happened next could be described as a fight but it could also be described as one kid running away from another kid as he pelted him with crossbow bolts and harsh language. Basically it was like a Benny Hill bit but with way more foul language.

  Eventually though, Spine struck the final blow. Tobias changed back and had a crossbolt lodged in his arm.

  Everyone looked at the injury.

  “Do we take it out?” Spine aske reaching for the bolt.

  Tobias slapped his hand away, “Don’t touch it.”

  “Dude, it’s my crossbow bolt,” Spine snapped. He reached for the bolt again.

  “It is in my arm, jerk” Tobias snapped back peddling away toward the Mandir.

  “Doug, they’re robbing me!” Spine yelled.

  “There’s no robbery in war!” Gisele called. She may be just a little bitter from losing.

  “That’s just not true,” Zarina corrected. She was grappling with relief that her students weren’t going to war and disappointment that they weren’t winning the fights.

  Gisele almost pouted.

  I caught Spine by the scruff of his neck. I didn’t want him wandering into the Mandir’s effect. Lola and I were fighting, but she absolutely had favorites and Spine wasn’t at the top of the list.

  “Okay this isn’t great. We are doing best three out of five. If Spine wins one more fight, you can’t go to war.” I declared.

  This triggered another robust discussion about moving the goal post in war.

  Eventually it was decided that the mystic troopers couldn’t make me do things.

  “Alright pick your next fighter.” I said. We needed to wrap this up.