The fact that His Highness came to see this spectacle for himself was icing on the sweetroll for her, and she grinned manically and leaned in, watching him stammer as he stepped out of his automaton, fuming. She’d seen people get angry, get upset, get really pissed off at her for some of her zanier acts of snack thievery, but this, was a cut above, and she couldn’t help but be proud while giving him a salute.

  “Hi Barry! Fancy meeting you here, in this part of town!” she called out, and his eyes locked on hers, little brown caramel eyes that matched his inner soul of utter muck.

  “What. In the hells. IS THIS?!” he roared in unbridled fury. He had to adjust his crown to not be canted at an angle. All that gold must be such a pain in the neck–literally, in this case, because he rubbed the back of his neck before pointing to the copper pile.

  Sheesh. He looks even worse than the last time I saw him. She shoved the observation for later. It was time for gloating and humiliating cretins!

  “What’s this, you ask? My payment!” she answered with a gloating smile. “It’s on time, and all accounted for! I even rounded up! So, you’re welcome!” she added with a cute flourish. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, they had a failure of the arcane relay system, and they lost some paperwork. So I asked them, what’s the fastest way to get a payment in? They said cash! Sadly, it sounds like someone moved the gold reserves currency. And the silver wasn’t quite enough, on hand? So they had a whole stink load of coppers lying around!”

  She waved to the men still sweeping the coins into a wheelbarrow. They were going to need several of those, at this rate, and Barry glared at the giant mess and the onlookers now piling around and taking images with their arcane datapads. “Man, I gotta tell you, I had to rent the automaton for the day to drop this off! They’re super quick, they’re spot on delivery–”

  “Piss off you elven bitch!” Barry roared, his whole face twitching. “You’re making a spectacle in front of my tax office! MINE!”

  She crossed her arms, and kept wearing a smug look while leaning in. He was making a scene and showing his true colors in front of everyone, and people were paying attention.

  “Technically Your Highness, the office belongs to the municipal guild, which is not controlled by the palace directly, for reasons,” Greg stated as he read off his datapad. The slightest crease of a smile was on his face, but only for a second. “Would you like to see the city code for–”

  “Lockheed, you and your entire family are a disgrace to this city!” Barry screamed and was so violent in his head motion while little spittle-flecked from his mouth, that his crown dropped. One of his guards hastily grabbed it, and properly affixed it to his head–at a canted angle. Barry didn’t even notice. “Your repeat-criminal father should be in prison for the rest of his natural-born life if I have any say about it, and the rest of your extended family, too!”

  “Oh, then we agree on that accord–minus my sister, who keeps her nose clean,” Greg replied dryly, before closing his datapad. “I did check the regulations for reimbursement. This is all ‘above board’ as they say. Copper coins are acceptable payment at virtually every retail location within the unified kingdoms–”

  “Don’t tell me my own damn laws!” Barry shouted and pointed a finger at him, then Fiona menacingly. “You’re–you’re littering! Fine them!”

  “Uh…we made a payment. It’s not my fault your desk isn’t big enough to take said payment,” Fiona shrugged, while Barry’s eye twitched at this assertion. Little children were pointing at Barry and his entourage of guards, and even his assistant, a small man with a goatee who looked like the suit wore him, was looking anxious. “By the way, this payment is to Fiefdala. Not you. It's not your pocketbook.”

  “Your Highness, the optics on this are bad,” Barry’s advisor uttered hastily, then whispered something into his ear. Barry almost reached for the ceremonial saber on his hip, but then stopped, took a deep breath, and smoothed his vest.

  “Thank you for…making your payment on time,” he growled in a low tone. “I expect you’ll meet your burden next month?”

  She laughed in his face. “You didn't get the memo? This is it. Hero Tax paid off! But we're also going to contest the tax burden. Turns out, audits have to occur within 30 days, or pending proof, the claimant's case is assumed accurate.

  “What.” His eye twitched at this.

  “Yeah, we kept wondering why you were stalling. Well turns out, your own office filed fraudulent assessments of the recovered items from Douglas. It was like someone was trying to take me for a ride!” Fiona stated, feigning a gasp and a swoon.

  “Also, there are red flags on his handling of the account,” Greg said before handing him a small manilla folder. Barry grabbed it with a furious swipe, and Greg adjusted his vest. “Thanks for coming down to take this in person. It suits us that the palace has responded with such haste to the plight of Fiefdala’s champion.”

  Barry narrowed his eyes as he inspected the document, and snarled. “You planned this,” he accused Fiona, and she feigned ignorance with a confused look.

  “What, us? Drop ten million copper coins onto the street to make a scene, to bring you down here to serve papers of query, per the city laws? Nah, totally a coincidence,” Fiona brushed off.

  But, it was the truth. “But since we’ve got you here, I saved up a jingle,” she added with a lecherous grin. “Hey, I just served you, and this is crazy, but here’s my relay, so call me, Barry! And all the other lawmen, try to date me, but here’s my relay, so call me Barry!” She sang out, having stored that one in her head for weeks.

  Greg finally cracked, and snickered softly, while Barry’s brow twitched again like he had some kind of muscular problem, and Doug just laughed in a throaty uproar of delight. Barry pointed at them again, and screamed, “Arrest them!”

  “For…what, sir?” one guard asked, scratching his short hair and looking uneasy at this prospect.

  “For littering!” he heaved out.

  “That’s…a civil fine, not a criminal one,” the guard sighed, and pulled out a pen. “Alright Miss Swiftheart, I do believe that–”

  “No, arrest her! Arrest her, throw her in the dungeon!” Barry was breathing frantically, and smacked the offending guard over the head. “You daft idiot! She’s deliberately poking fun at me!”

  “Making fun of people wasn’t a crime, last I heard, Your Highness. Mockery is the most sincere form of flattery, as they say,” Greg smiled, having decided to lean into it. “Besides, all we’re doing is paying off a tax debt. In full compliance with the law. Surely as head lawman, you understand our desire to adhere and uphold these laws, yes?”

  “Uh…guys’ got a point,” the guard with a notepad shrugged. Barry was reaching for his ceremonial saber again, and his assistant saw what a lethally stupid mistake he was about to make, attacking the deadliest woman in the kingdom right about now, in broad daylight. He forcibly grabbed his arm.

  “Sir, we should go,” the mousy assistant whispered to Barry. “We’ll have a talk when we get back to Miss Hannalore–”

  That's when Barry cracked. His face took on a crazed, panicked expression, eyes wide. “Swiftheart, why didn't you take this deal?! All you had to do was be there at Vale and be a pretty face, sign a few papers, and be a show of force, and that was it! You would have been done! And you did this?! To what, spite me?!”

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  She raised an ear tip at this. “Uh, yeah, exactly. King Douchebag.”

  “Suck it, Barry!” Doug taunted, golden eyes alight in unfettered delight.

  “More to the point, Barry,” she uttered with fervor, and made sure to keep her distance from the guards looking uneasy at this public blowup. “You’re nothing like your dad. You never will be. You abuse your power to put me down, for what reason? Because you needed someone big and strong to get you out of a bad deal? You got caught stealing once. Your father confirmed it for me.”

  Barry was hyperventilating, clutching his chest. “I can’t…I can’t do it. I’ll never pull it off. What am I gonna do?!”

  “What you’re gonna do is admit you just were trying to live a luxurious life, at the expense of other people,” she uttered venomously. “Well guess what, Barry, I’m free and clear of you. Forever. I bet you thought I’d cave, and was a soft little elven girl who would fold the second real pressure was placed on her, and would take the first lifeline she was given. Well, you thought wrong.”

  That's when things went ominous, and she felt a light pulling on her chest. those vines from before were visible on her arms--and withering. The same vines that had appeared after he'd hexed her, upon her return to Fiefdala. More importantly, she felt a charge of energy--like a spark of life had returned to her. Barry's mark was visible on his wrist, and he looked on in horror as the thorned vines crept up his arm, constricting him, even though they were little more than illustrations on his skin.

  "S-S-Swiftheart--" he pleaded.

  She leaned in, eyes narrowed. “Say the words.”

  He gazed at her blankly. The vines constricted around his arm, then down his torso, patterning over clothing, jewelry, and boots. "A-a deal, please..."

  "Oh, you want to make a deal, now?" she asked in an edged tone. "I should let you get hoisted by your own petard, Barry. I should sit back with a shit-eating grin on my face as you get your comeuppance--"

  "Fiefdala's screwed if I don't do something!" he screamed out, his voice sounding choked. his guards tried to pull the vines--but they weren't physically there. the assistant was panicking, and Fiona stood there, composed, arms folded, and watched. Barry was making little choking noises as the vines constricted a little.

  "Okay, Barry, I know you’re having your breakdown moment, but stay with me for a minute. Here, I’ve got them prepared for you, right now. The words ‘Thank you for your services, and your debt to this kingdom is paid. Forever. For all time,’” she said, relishing this moment. “Anytime now.”

  "Fiefdala's...gonna go...under...in six months." His voice was barely a wheeze as a medical healer was called for.

  "Fiona," Greg stated quietly. "You realize you have power over this. Take the high road."

  She sighed. "You sure we can't make him a little vegetative, for being an utter jackass--"

  "Make a deal," he insisted as he let out a frustrated exhale.

  "Do we need to?" Doug growled. "I might be happy with any which way this goes."

  "Not helping, you firebug," Greg shot back.

  "Okay, fine!" Fiona declared to break up the moment, and she leaned in. "Barry, I just need you to nod your head. Here's our new deal, one that overrides the old one, permanently. Nod if you're listening." He nodded weakly, his eyes bulging in fear. "Okay great, First thing! you will never threaten me, my friends, my shop, my landlord, innocent children, and my cat, ever again, for the rest of your natural born life. Second thing, my debt is paid, and anything I do for Fiefdala is on my own whims! Third thing," she uttered, narrowing her eyes and speaking in a low tone and words dripping acid, "You're gonna spill out to to me just how deep in the shit you are, Barry. The whole truth."

  "I...agree." He sounded almost like an asthmatic when he got the words out.

  "Perfect!" she beamed, and shook his hand, even though he was on the verge of falling over, and his knights were utterly incapacitated by fear. Within three seconds, the thorned vines receded back to his mark, and he gasped for breath, shaking, and almost appeared like he'd soiled himself. "Pleasure doing business with you, Barry!"

  For the first time in a few months, she was truly free. And then Barry decided to upset the apple cart and announce that Fiefdala was screwed--unless he was lying, which it didn't really sound like--and she was going to have to figure out this mess, too.

  “It’s–it’s paid off. You’re free of any debts to the Kingdom and me,” he stammered, and stood up shakily.

  “Great! Thanks so much, Barry, love you bunches!” She would offer an ironic hug, but the guards might construe that as assault, so she didn’t press her luck. “Alright fellas, I think we’ve doled out enough karma for a day. Halsin, sorry man, I’ll send you a Wintrymas card for the holidays and a nice gift for the inconvenience,” she added with a pistol finger salute.

  It made her day when Halsin returned the gesture, grinning. “Try to stay out of trouble dear? Always knew you water-dancing elves would make my day interesting, hahaha.”

  Meanwhile, the pending meltdown went critical mass, as Barry fell to his knees, holding his head with his hands. “What am I gonna do?!” Barry’s voice shrilled upwards. Fiona had felt a panic attack coming twice in her life, and she saw it coming at him like a freight train, with the way he broke down in an instant. “I’m screwed. I’m so screwed!”

  “I believe this is the part where we bid good day and depart. His highness is feeling unwell, and needs to rest,” the assistant tried to cover, but she leaned in. But Barry was busy having his critical mass meltdown, screaming.

  “Dad’s gonna lose everything he built! I can’t let that happen!” he shrilled.

  For the first time in her life, she heard a tone of sincerity in his voice. Not smug, not contemptuous, not condescending, actual sheer terror in his voice. Now she knew there was something else at work. He hadn't been joking when he said Fiefdala would go under in six months. “I command you to–”

  She put a finger to his lips, eyes narrowed, and he went dead silent. “Finish that demand, and I will smack you so hard with my hammer, you will qualify for the first Cepalunean in space. Remember Barry, you made a deal. One you agreed to, because you decided to mess around with powers your dad warned you not to abuse.”

  He finally took the hint, and nodded, while the assistant wisely stood a few feet away, and the knights were glancing at each other, possibly weighing if it was worth a death wish with elven fury to try to protect their king. Fiona took two steps back. “I may be a still broke heroine, but you’re completely broken, Barry.”

  “Uh, is the king in danger here?” one knight asked.

  “I am the least of his problems,” Fiona retorted. “Back on track. You want my help bailing you out of whatever trouble you landed yourself in, Benchwarmer King Barry? You have no more power over me, and the price for what you did to the Adventurer's guild, and everyone else whose lives you made miserable, just skyrocketed.” she uttered with contempt.

  “B-but–”

  “Nah-ah, no buts, Barry! There are children present!” she chided him with a small finger wag. “The first rule of ‘Fiona gets to name her price’ is that you shut up and listen! This offer requires you to make a decision, today. All sales are final, by the way!” she added with a grin. He wheezed and nearly fell over his assistant, who gave him a shoulder to lean on.

  “You’ve assaulted the king!” the assistant screamed.

  “With what? The power of karma?” she claimed with innocence. “Buddy, I don’t think you’ve realized how many relays are rolling, that claim would never hold up,” she responded as she stretched her arms, looking smug. Indeed, people were still watching with keen interest. “You know what, I’ll cut you a break, Barry. My shop, in one hour. Get your act together, look kingly when you walk in the door, and be presentable. You look like an awful mess right now.”

  “Why…would you help me?” Barry finally came to his senses.

  “Because I get this feeling your stupidity is going to take a lot of other hard-working people down with you, and I can't stand for that,” she uttered in a low tone. “Greg, make sure Bonnie and Darla don’t put claws–or knives–into his face the second he shows up.”

  “Would that be the worst thing that could happen?” Douglas shrugged. “I might be in line for that–”

  “No, you’re not, business only,” she added with a scowl. “Barry, I’m going to be clear with you, just in case you get it in your pea brain that you think you can skate out of this. The entire Adventurer’s guild would want your head on a pike if anything happened to me, so don't get any cute ideas, and your own mark might kill you if you try anything against me, now. If you’ll excuse me, I have a business to run. See you then.”

  “I–I’ll be there,” he uttered meekly. The assistant went pale.

  “We can’t just–”

  “We are!” Barry screamed in his face. He then adjusted his crown, which had become askew during the whole confrontation; he then waved to the knights. “We’re changing my itinerary. Fiona and Friends Emporium, Two in the afternoon.”

  No one dared question him, and the automaton spun out of there like they were trying their first efforts at Cepalunean drag racing.

  Greg was the first to crack, of all people, and let out a belly laugh so hard he doubled over. Fiona joined in, as did Doug a few seconds later, while everyone stared, unable to comprehend what they'd just witnessed

  “I think that one is gonna go into a record book somewhere!” Fiona uttered between laughs. “Holy shit my body’s shaking, we just did that!”

  “I must admit…I did not think this day would go this way.” Greg’s laughs did fade into something slightly more composed. “But uh…I think you called it right, Fiona. The kingdom’s in trouble, and I’m pretty sure it’s not Barry being corrupt. This time.”

  “This might almost be worth getting turned into a kobold,” Doug chuckled, wiping some moisture from his eyes. “Guess you might want to wipe that rule away from the board before he gets there.”

  “Oh, no. Barry is getting dunked in the lake before this is over,” Fiona stated adamantly.

  Clever kobold, Doug.

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