What have I done?...

  I rolled my head over my shoulder. My eyes were glossed over in a white pigment of sleep. I felt my hand move from what felt like my pillow to my eyes. The smell of copper still flooded my nostrils. Now knowing it was blood. How could I have been such a fool? My hand was held in front of my face still not clear, but an outline of my hand was visible. I began to wipe my eyes with my knuckles only to feel a rough cloth tied rather too tight in the middle of my hand. It seemed to have some weight against my palm. My vision was restored to see a thick layered bandage around my palm, tied tight enough to make fingers go numb. I swore the tips of my fingers were turning purple. I was also aware that I was most definitely not in my room. My room was plain. Modest one would say. No more than my possessions, a bed and a few cabinets to store said possessions. This room was well lived in. I was curious about all of the paintings and trinkets until I noticed the familiar door I was so accustomed to seeing the outside of. This is Catherine's room. I am lying in her bed. I should know, I wash her linens. The same linen with a small black hole burnt in it. I pondered it would have been from a pipe but now I am unsure.

  My leg crept up to my stomach to figure out I was bare under these blankets. A sheer sense of panic began to settle. My brain awakened begging to flee. However, I had the same sense I was not alone. I was in bed by my lonesome but the feeling of eyes watching my movements were strong.

  "So? You are finally up Belly." Catherine's voice boomed making the paintings scattered across the walls. I turned to my right to see the corner of her bedroom was a desk the same size as her study. Covered in piles of books. Some were unnamed, others had titles. Catherine sat in a wooden chair with a mechanism in it to spin. Her face was clean from blood but her chest still had small faint spats. Her face seemed more tired than she normally was. Her anger settled with the teary eyes she presented. She held a beige drawstring bag in one hand, whilst the other held what seemed to be either clay or wooden pipe. I knew it was a burn hole in the sheets.

  "Catherine? Why am I here?" I yawned sitting up, I swiftly reached down to her bedsheet to cover my exposed chest. Even if Catherine has seen me nude on multiple occasions. This was not a happy occasion. She sat in silence not uttering a single tune. Catherine pushed a large clump of tobacco into the pipe roughly. With little pieces of tobacco lodging under her nails. Igniting the pipe with a crooked match. She inhaled, taking in the smoke for a moment before finally exhaling a large puff of smoke.

  "You had an awful fall in the parlour Bella." Catherine coughed. "I found you beside the mantel. I do not know why the hell you were there but thank god your injuries were minor." Her lips pursed inhaling again. "I was not in the parlour and you know that. We were in the dining room."

  "Were we? I cannot recall." She exhaled circling the bowl of her pipe with her thumb. "I would imagine when you fell you had some pretty damning dreams. You spoke in your sleep frequently."

  "Dreams? Is that what we are calling this Valeria?" I raised my tone not fully accepting my fate but hell, what more do I have to lose? "Are we going to ignore the fact I watched you feasting on a mans-"

  "Bella!" She interrupted. "It was all in your head darling, you were dreaming of a ghastly scene of gore! Whatever you think is not what is reality.."

  "Hm-..." I wonder, I know Catherine wants me to forget but how far would she drag this charade? "So you being a vampire and the undercroft?"

  "All in your head Belly." She tipped her pipe over onto a silver platter to find burnt tobacco scattered in ash.

  "The man hanging by his ankles? The smell of blood?"

  "Yes, yes. Everything. Even Carmilla at the west wing." She pivoted in her chair facing her back towards me, switching her pipe out for a glass. I am not sure if it was blood or wine at this point. She halted in a heavy sigh.

  "Uh-...Catherine? I saw your daughter before I apparently passed out. I remember that Valeria. I also remember her telling me to go to the undercroft."

  "No."

  "Yes, and she told me her mother was sick. To see who you really were."

  "No! No, Bella! Stop it!" Catherine spun around to her feet, a crack erupted as she gained her stance. At first, I assumed it was the weight of the wires in her dress until I washed her clothing to find no wires but, when I found out about her spinal injury. It made sense. If it does not heal correctly it will affect her.

  "Yes! She was fucking right! Everyone was right!" I leaped from her bed as I rushed to face her toe to toe. Though if the towns folk and Vadoma were right, perhaps it was not the most level-headed thing to run up on Catherine with not a single stitch on my back. "You cannot piss on my leg and say it is raining! I know what I saw Valeria! I hurt myself on your damn stonewall to the undercroft, which coincidentally is the reason I had fallen on your steps to scrape my knee." I pointed to my injury to see another bandage as it squeezed furiously. I must teach Catherine how to tie bandages or else I will surely lose the feeling of my limbs.

  "For fuck sake...fine..you are right...everything. It was a ruse." Her sigh dragged on as she sat back down in her chair. "Necrezut..." She began to rub her temples burying her face in her lap.

  Knowing this aloud made my stomach drop. The haunting suspicion became a sudden reality. The very thing made me sway. In nausea, or fear. I retreated quietly back to Catherine's bed, weaving my body under the thin white linen. We both sat in silence for what seemed like hours or felt like for me.

  "I-I'm sorry I forced it out of you Catherine, I-I just felt like you were always hiding something from me. Something as important as this."

  "Ha, so I suppose you would have still taken the job if I told you I was a vampire from the start? Hm?" She held her head up by her fist resting on her thigh.

  "Yes in fact, since I wouldn't have believed you. Until now that is." My foot trembled grazing the floorboard with every twitch my leg swayed. "Oh, of course, you are an educated young woman yes Bella?" Catherine arose with a tone used to mock me. "Come. Come see what your educated mind thinks of this anomaly." Her hand crossed over my body with her nails hooking into my bicep. She dragged my still body wrapped in her linen to the mirror that stood tall next to her closet. It was the same height as Catherine, possibly taller. I took a step forward bumping into Catherine's arm. I apologized under my breath before looking up to the mirror.

  All I saw was me. My curls and my olive skin appeared more pale. The white linen radiated off my body. "Do you see it, Bella?" I did not realize, Catherine stood beside me. Her shoulder brushing against mine, she lent out a hand with a gesture of a wave in front of the mirror.

  Nothing....absolutely nothing...

  It was as though she wasn't there. She stood beside me, but her being did not show. Only the outline of her dress hung over her curves. Catherine laughed out it began to rattle everything not tied down to the bedroom. "You see Bella? Do you!?" My eyes met hers' welled with held-back tears. Her sniffles erupted out of thin air as her concealment was short-lived. "I am a monster! How could you see me! How dare you not stand before me with disgust!" She sniffled wiping away a tear. Her tears were dark smudges of what seemed to be some dark makeup.

  "Because I do not see you as such. You are still a woman. Even in your...condition.."

  "Do not try and flatter me. I am a woman still yes, but a female reincarnation of a monster. A monster has created me. Ever so, the reason I have locked myself in my tomb." She turned away with her cries, slashing her hands through the furnished wall. Her nails dug thick cuts into the wall. The very same I saw in the cherubs. I do not know why I acted the way I did. My hand leaped out from my hip to attach to Catherine's. It shook for a moment. Her frail fingers vibrated between mine. Her palms were rough, her fingers clenched with the texture of the wallpaper and tobacco under her nails. I flipped Catherine's hand over leading her to the foot of her bed.

  "A tomb? Is that the real reason you desire seclusion? Or is it because you think you deserve it? To punish yourself?" I began to pick the wallpaper out of Catherie's nails. Her shaking calmed. "I was already punished, Bella. I am living my own hell."

  "How so? Why do you think the eternal afterlife is a punishment?" Her hand grew limp as I examined her nails more thoroughly. She huffed licking a tear from the corner of her mouth. "Would you like to know the full story or short?"

  "Well, if you say this castle is a tomb then, I suppose I will die here aswell. So, I have time." I released her hand to fix her hair which made me grow rather bothersome with the way it laid. Catherine laughed fixing her linen around my chest. "Fine. Go curl up in bed. I will tell you a tale of ignorance, lies, loss and taking what you have for granted." I crawled into the same spot I once arose on as Catherine lay beside me.

  "The year was 1770, and my family and I just got back from the Palace of Versailles. It was Marie Antoinette's wedding. She was a young babe when she was wed. I vowed never to allow Carmilla to be wed at such a young age, 16 yes, but 14 never. My husband and I were very close with Marie's parents. My husband especially. He was much older than me of course. Is that not the norm? I was 17 when I was wedded. Maurice Valeria. He was 25 years older. He was old enough to be my father but he was a respectable man with a sizeable fortune and this castle. The castle was in better shape back then. He promised me luxury and the finest food my pallet has ever eaten. That he gave me. Fine jewelry, dresses from Paris, and enough liquor to kill an army.

  However, the most precious thing my dearly departed Maurice ever gave me, was my children. David and Carmilla. David was my oldest. The heir to the Valeria household. He was as strong as his father but had my striking looks. He was a flirt. Vadoma and David were the same age at the time. Vadoma's mother would clean the castle bringing her daughter along. David would scurry around the castle walls. Technically, David would chase Vadoma and she would hide behind her mother's skirt.

  Then, the loveliest day happened in the Valeria castle. One day in April, the sunniest day, what looked to be that is. I gave birth to Carmilla. A daughter. The princess of our little castle. She held her head up higher than the queen herself. More confidence in her little frame than all of court put together. Her grasp on my skirt was firm but not in a state of fear, but in admiration. I had a little shadow everywhere I stepped. Watching the way I would brush my hair, and do my makeup. She would waltz around in my heels on the carpets. I could not know where she possessed her blonde hair. Perhaps from my mother. I never asked Maurice. By the time we were married, his hair was grey." Catherine chuckled. "My life was perfect so it seems. Until the Harvest Ball in autumn. October 31st. David was 17 soon to be 18, Carmilla was 14. It was a masquerade ball. Carmilla wore pink, the shade of Camellias. David was in black to match his father. Powdered wigs were in fashion than for high society." She sniffled holding back her heavy tears. "I even wore them. See, the line above my ear? It was once a rash. Or so I still think it's there." Catherine raised a huge strand of her hair to reveal a thick bubbled line behind her ear. Probably an allergy to starch.

  "I-I see it...is it painful?" I reached out to let my fingertip graze the line. "Oh no," She sniffled. "It's just a painful reminder of my greed. All of ours." My hand left the back of her ear as she sniffled back. My hair fell around my face as I tried to push it away. Catherine lent out her hands on either side of my head to manage my curls. Her hands met at the back of my head full of my strands. "Sweet girl," She choked out, her accent made it difficult to hear anything under her breath. "How can anyone gaze upon me the way you do, knowing what you know?" Her thumbs caressed my temples as her hands left my head.

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  "You haven't finished the story, Catherine. How can I judge without knowing the full details?"

  "I was hoping I wouldn't have to reiterate my past but, if you insist." Catherine coughed sitting up from the bottom of the bed to retrieve her glass of wine. She licked the rim letting the last mouthful fall to her lips. "Damnit!"

  "Here allow me. I'll go to the cellar." I leaped out of bed looking around for some kind of robe or stitch of clothing. "No. No bother...it was not wine." I stopped in my tracks with the clammy feeling of sweat forming behind my neck. "S-shall I-I find your preferred drink elsewhere?"

  "Ha, now who's the nervous one? Calm down. Your heartbeat is ringing like a church bell in ears. I'll fetch Vadoma. Vadoma! Vadoma!" Her voice boomed as the door to her room flung open. If Vadoma was here then I suppose it was morning or midday. "I have a question, so you hearing my heartbeat? Is that an actual illness or a vampire thing?"

  "Haha! You are catching on quickly. My illness was never real, not in the medical sense. My illness is because I am a vampire." Catherine huffed as she sat back down in her chair. Within a minute Vadoma appeared. "Well shit...took you long enough. You finally tell huh? To be frank, I thought you kill her or tell her by now."

  "Shut up you. Be thankful I do not drink gypsy witch blood or you would have been next." Catherine joked as Vadoma snickered pouring out her glass and leaving the vase on her desk. "Yes my lady, I know how you 'true' Romanians feel about gypsies." Catherine took a heavy drink almost choking back. "No, no. Now you put word in mouth. I said gypsy witch. Witch is the issue. I dealt with witches before, god forbid those bitches do not back down."

  "The coven of Scotland? God I forgot them. How can you remember everything as if it happened yesterday Valeria?" As they both continued their conversation I was baffled. By either the way they banter on or the fact Vadoma's a witch.

  "Excuse me! Um-...either I hit my head on those stairs or I just heard you are a witch?! Do you go at each other like that often? You know, threatening to eat her and gypsy hating comments."

  The two burst out in laughter as though they forgot to let me in on the secret. "Haha! I'm sorry detka. You did not hit your head, and how long she's worked for me we banter quite often. We have to or I think poor Vad would go insane."

  "Pfft...don't be daft. You would go insane without making talk to a soul. That's why I was pleased when Bella came. She won't shut up. It gave me a break." Vadoma joked as she pointed directly in my direction.

  "Daft? You are hanging around Belly here too long, soon she'll teach you how to curtsy. Anyways Bella, to make things short so I may carry with on my story since you are so interested and I frankly do not. Vadoma Vivda is from a long line of Gana witches. Gypsy witches from Romania that uses their magic to stay alive. She's been 20 for over 1,000 years, as of I have been 54 for 1,000 too."

  "Valeria, I believe it was September last month. You are 1,055 now."

  "Oh Jesus do not remind me. Fine. You get the jist, right? It is a lot but we need to move this along. Vad, go make dinner. We need food. Especially Bell; she looks rather pale."

  "Paler than you actually, I'll make stew." Vad scurried off closing the door on her way.

  "Sit Belly. Calm yourself. I will give you a minute before I continue."

  ?───? ??? ?───?

  With food in my stomach, and constant reassurance of what the bloody hell is happening. Catherine was still beating around the bush to finish her story.

  "Alright Catherine Valeria, I have been fed and processed this cluster fuck. Now would you ever be so kind as to finish your story?" I pushed the bowl to our feet as Catherine did the same. "Fuck...fine. Make me tear up again. I hope you do not have a weak stomach. Vad threw up when she found me. She had two messes to clean that night." Catherine shot back her last glass. Resting her head on the headboard.

  "Harvest Ball. It was the social party of the season. Every major family were present. Anyone who was anyone was there. Now, there are only two major families still residing in Media?. The Valeria's and Thomas's. That's not important now. So, the party was in full swing. My daughter was with her friends in a corner of the dancefloor just gossiping about gentlemen callers. Maurice, the time I thought was off having a drink of brandy with the other husbands but I was wrong. See, what I didn't know since our marriage was I was not the only one unfaithful. Sure, I had flings with women but never French whores. And never shipped them from Paris to our castle.

  I was chatting with our guests since my husband was busy playing find the caterpillar with another powdered wig twat. Until I saw David. Arriving fashionably late as per usual, however, he brought along a guest with him. One I had never seen. His name I remember, and his face. He was a dark presence. His black hair was slicked back and sporting a gold cane. He made my skin crawl. I promised I would never utter his name. The Viscount spoke of sweet things. Possible ventures to enrich David's horizons. To broaden them. To be a mentor more like. The stench that I am too accustomed to of blood which I thought so too was copper. He reeked.

  I suppose I could spare the party details and get to the end. The servants had left for the night after the hall was clean. I made my way to our room. To see Maurice and kick any whore out of my spot...but, I found a more gruesome sight. Maurice slit from stem to stern. Just like the man you saw dangling in the undercroft. The sight frightened me. I ran out of our bedroom to find my children. I ran to the west wing to find David was not in his room. I heard a noise I will never forget. The screams and pleas...o-of C-Carmilla." She choked naturally tearing up again.

  "I ran out of David's room to see Carmilla. Crawling out of her bedroom dragging her blood along the floor. Staining the bottom and the front of her soft pink dress. Just in a blink of an eye, there he was. The Viscount. O-Ontop of my daughter...ripping her throat open. Screaming out for me. With a mixture of her screams and sloshes of her blood. I tried to scream for him to stop until he rose to his feet. Dripping still with my daughter's blood. Charging to me." Catherine sniffled out wiping away another stream of tears. My stomach dropped again realizing why her daughter, Carmilla, looked so young as a spirit. "T-Than what Catherine?" I stuttered coaxing my throat with saliva. My hand grazed Catherine's bare shoulder as her sleeve now fell to her elbow. She did not care. Nothing but her shoulder was shown but in the moment her arms were folded tightly around her chest. Vibrating her body and breaking in a cold sweat.

  "A-All I remember...was his body on top of me. I remember that now because the hoops in my skirt broke behind my thighs. His face on top of me has burnt a hole in memory before he did this..." Catherine gathered her hair to lift it off her shoulders to reveal a large chunk taken out of her neck. I never noticed this. However, I never noticed how small Catherine's ears were. Frankly, I never saw her ears. The gash was old, faded into a mere scar but it was bright pink with a new layer of skin and two black holes under the new flesh. "I thought I died Bella...the smell of the Viscount and the dripping of my daughter's blood from his mouth mixed with my own-.." Catherine's pupils shrunk in size as more tears ran down. Staring off into space.

  *Catherine's memory*

  The very smell...of copper and cigars. No formalities, not an utterance. The Viscount left me. I peered over to see Carmilla's breaths slowly pace. "M-mommy...I-I'm c-cold..." She's faint, wheezing out. "I-It's alright darling..." I coughed with the weight of a thousand men on my chest staring up at the ceiling. "I-l-love..." Carmilla's breath went silent. My eyes raced back to see her. Not shut, staring widely at me with a blank stare. No breaths, no movement. "I love you too-...C-..Carmilla! Carmilla!" The tears rushed down my face. I tried to move my jaw but was halted by immense pain. Blood pooled under my chin, and the pain in my chest grew stronger. I screamed out, to feel my last and final breath. I took my final breath, and the final thing I could see was Carmilla's motionless bloodied body. Everything went black for a mere moment. Maybe more.

  My line of vision was restored in a bright light. Perhaps this was the gates of heaven. To rejoice and join my family once again.

  I was terribly wrong. Oh, so wrong. I was woken by the sharp pain in my body. I felt like vomiting. The sheer pain. I was meant to join my family. Not sit in my blood in the hall. Cold and alone. My skin crawled as if bed bugs were scurrying. I scratched my arms as I noticed my nails were falling off. Nail by nail, pulling away from my nail bed to part like a spiderweb, leaving blood and new skin underneath in string-like pieces. I would go in and out of consciousness, light-headed in a sense. The pain came back when I regained consciousness. My jaw locked up with an immense pressure building. I could feel my hips as I flipped onto my stomach. Once my chest hit the wet bloodied floor I broke every bone. My ribs shattered, and my elbows did too.

  "Ah!" I laid my hands on the floor only to have my fingers cock in different directions, ways fingers should not move. Each finger broke from left to right. My knuckles bulged out of my skin showing its pearly white bone. Each joint cracks violently. The blood that remained rushed to my skull, I could feel my blood run from my heart to my head. I could hear my heart trying to keep up, each thump becoming more deafening. My eyes strained with a dry burning sensation, I blinked only to be blinded with red.

  "P-please! God! Kill me! Kill me!" I sobbed out attempting to fight this feeling. I held my breath as I made an effort to stand on my feet. I wiped away the tears to realize it was not water, more thick in viscous. Boiling hot blood. Flowing from my corneas. I regained my stance but was halted. My kneecaps buckled breaking instantly. I fell to the floor feeling the mush of my thighs slide to the floor. "God! Please! Kill me! Help me!" The pain came back for a vengeance breaking my spine in half. Rushing my shoulders to the floor as my feet were still planted firmly on the floor. The back of my head hit the floor. I managed to flip my body around to fall onto my chest. I screamed out to fight, and my spine snapped. I felt every bone move slithering like a snake to my neck piercing into my flesh. The pain was unbearable in my body. The shock itself sent me spiralling in and out of consciousness.

  "G-God please...?n numele tat?lui...?i al fiului ?i...al sfantului duh. Amin-...." I remember saying my final pray as I my vision turned dark.

  *Present Day*

  "Catherine?" I sniffled out, rubbing her shoulder. "What happened after you fainted?" Catherine wiped away tears. Re-adjusting the position of her back, hearing the loud crack of her spine.

  "Well, I said my prayers. My last prayers that is. I thought that would be my salvation. Let us just say it fell on deaf ears. I awoke with this out-of-body experience. As if my body was not my own. It was new, cold and hollow. The weirdest thing I remember....haha...was I thought it was a nightmare. I had frightening dreams during my pregnancies so I thought maybe a little too much wine with dinner was the answer. But, it was not the case. I arose to my feet to see my peach skin was pale. My nails were gauged out and I had the hardest time standing straight. Still do but I manage. My nightmare was my very reality. I turned to see my daughter...my dead daughter. Still in her pink dress, pale as I. Her purple veins popping out. I threw my heels through the window, in a manic or angered state. I remembered running to Carmilla's room to retrieve her favourite pink silk blanket. I wrapped Carmilla's cold lifeless body in the blanket and picked her up, walking her down the west wing stairs to the undercroft. Where I buried her in the Valeria catacombs. Alongside Maurice. That took longer to bury him since the man was heavier and it was harder to drag him down the stairs. Haha!" Catherine joked. I thought it was so macabre to laugh at the situation but people grieve in different ways.

  "What about David, Catherine?"

  "You know, that is the strangest thing Belly. After watching my nails grow back and my teeth slowly rot and fall out to prepare for these sharp things." Catherine's long white nail tapped her sharpened canine. "I spent 2 years searching for his body. I left the castle even, thinking perhaps he was alive living in Media?. Laying low, kept his head down. I could not find him. I searched for life or a body in and out of the castle grounds. I suppose that the Viscount must have taken him hostage and dumped him somewhere far away. I hope he sees Carmilla and his father. Since I've been damned to live this life over and over." Catherine arose from bed stretching her arms to the ceiling.

  "Is this not a lovely life Catherine?"

  "Bella? Do you see life in this home? I sit and wallow awaiting for Vadoma to bring me fresh kills like a lion at the fucking zoo! A mere attraction for everyone to gawk and poke at."

  "So what does that make me? The lion tamer?" I leaned my weight on my elbow turning my body. "Ha, you think so? You know, to tell you the truth...at the beginning, this was a cat-and-mouse game. I wanted to see how long it would take you to anger me."

  "Shit, it did not take me long huh?"

  "Ha, of course. You are not like the others. I grew offly fond of you." Catherine turned for our eyes to meet. "So, does that mean you are not scared of this old vampire huh?"

  "No, not any more fears of you Catherine. You just startled me. I had wicked dreams of you ripping my intestines out and when you caught me I thought I would suffer that fate."

  "You forgot the finger fuck too love." Catherine whispered.

  "Huh?!" I gasped.

  "Nothing, nothing. I shut up. Go lay down. I'll join you in a minute." Catherine slipped her dress off fully nude changing to a short white sleepgown.

  I rolled over to my side facing away from Catherine. It was strange, I never slept in bed with another person let alone a beautiful person. A beautiful vampire that is. "Catherine?" I looked over my shoulder feeling Catherine's body lay in bed. "Yes, dear?" She sighed blowing out the candles on her nightstand. "Have you met any other vampires? In the 1,000 years, you must have?" I felt Catherine's hands snake around my body pulling my bare skin to touch her. "No need to worry. In the thousand years so far there have been no more vampires since. And if there is, I will protect you. No matter what."

  "Protect Vad too?"

  She huffed a sigh burying her face in the dip of my collarbone. "Fuck fine. I'll protect the gypsy as well."