Wanted Dead or Alive: Rex Malum Brimstone

  Crimes: Heresy, Attempted Treason

  Reward: 10,000,000 Gold

  Cannot be reasoned with. Deadly force likely required.

  Wanted Dead: Celeste Cherie

  Crimes: Heresy, False God Worship

  Reward: 1,000,000,000 Gold

  If sighted, terminate with extreme prejudice.

  -Wanted posters for the Gaian Empire

  Rex was trying to sleep. He had had a very long, exhausting day, and he needed time to recover his sanity. Operative word being “trying”. Because unfortunately, wanting to sleep badly doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll fall into a slumber at the drop of a hat.

  Especially when a certain elf won’t leave you alone…

  “Hi, Rex!!”

  Celeste threw open the door without even knocking, predictably. Clearly I need to put up a sign… No, she wouldn’t read it.

  “Hey, why are you sleeping in your armor? Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

  Rex groaned. “Because I’m too tired to get up. Is something the matter, or can I ask you to le-”

  “Yes, actually! I’m trying to find out what the goal is when you get all of the Orbs, what are you going to do with them? Societal change? Executing all your enemies? I need DETAILS.”

  Rex could feel his migraine getting worse. Gods damn it, she’s not going to leave unless I entertain this line of questioning, is she. FINE .“That’s assuming they even exist… ”

  “THEY DO.” Celeste pouted. Clearly that’s a touchy subject… better not touch that, lest her screeching split my head in half.

  Rex sat up, rubbing his head, trying to frame his reply in a way that sounded at least somewhat altruistic. “I don’t know, I’ll figure that out when I get there… all I know is that I want my gods-damned kingdom back, anything else is merely an accessory. Crushing the Empire would be a good use, I suppose.”

  “You should probably think about that more, it is important to have a long-term goal, like Asteron, who has plans stretching back hundreds of years-”

  Rex gritted his teeth. “I don’t need to hear about them.”

  Celeste tilted her head, seemingly unable to take the hint. “You seem tense. Is everything okay?”

  NOW you say that?! After waking me up, bothering me for trivial conversations, and refusing to LEAVE?

  “I am FINE. I am trying to SLEEP. Are you done with this line of questioning?”

  “Uhhh, one last thing.” Celeste stared at him, her formerly cheery expression turning dark and her voice shifting to an intimidating monotone. “You wouldn’t happen to be trying to replace the heads of the Empire, would you? After all, they control half the world… that’s a lot of power you could grab…”

  What is this… she’s never normally this serious. “N-no… I couldn’t care less what happens in that power vacuum, as long as Dragonia is restored to its former glory.”

  “Okay!” Celeste’s voice returned to its normal bubbly cadence, but the sudden shift still gave Rex pause.

  “Asteron wouldn’t send me to somebody who has negative intentions for the world, after all. Just needed to confirm for myself so I’m not COMPLETELY blindly following orders… thank yoooou!” She waltzed out of the room, completely forgetting to shut the door on the way out. As Rex staggered to his feet to shut it, he couldn’t get that mood swing out of his head.

  …I think I’d better watch myself around her… there might be a bad side I don’t want to get on, especially if even some of her nonsense is true…

  Celeste was busy praying. Asteron usually tended to grant ones that were more altruistic instead of selfish. Mental gymnastics to dress up selfish requests never worked- the perks of being omniscient, she supposed.

  Right now, she was busy praying for a safe voyage to their next destination. “Asteron, who art above the heavens, please grant my request for safe passage…”

  CLANG!

  Celeste looked over to find the source of the noise. The construct calling herself Spacey was swinging a hammer on the broken device from earlier. It was very annoying, but part of being a priestess was turning the other cheek to small annoyances.

  “So that we may reach our destination with no interruptions-”

  CLANG!

  Celeste sighed. Breathe, Celeste, you’re supposed to be above earthly temptations and problems… you have a greater purpose-

  CLANG!

  Celeste snapped, her attempt at decorum failing miserably. “WOULD YOU STOP THAT AWFUL NOISE?!”

  Spacey put down the hammer she was swinging away with, and yelled back. “Maybe you could you can it for a minute? I’m trying to concentrate on fixing this thing… and if i had some quiet myself I could fix it faster.”

  Celeste’s face twisted into an annoyed grimace. How rude! Doesn’t she know I’m the righteous hand of the Creator? I- and He- deserve more respect than that! “I am busy trying to make sure we get to land safely and make sure we don’t drown or something, that is more important than your… whatever that is!”

  Spacey continued hammering away at the broken cannon, completely uncaring for her righteous indignation.“Right. By praying to a god that most certainly has been dead for-”

  “ASTERON! IS! NOT! DEAD!!” Celeste stormed over, fuming intensely. Spacey didn’t even bother to get up from her seat to talk back.

  “All right, I’ll bite. If he does exist… I don’t know… ask him to set me up a blind date or something.”

  Celeste stammered. “He doesn’t take such selfish requests! If gods just gave people everything they wanted, life would be meaningless!

  “Ah, but it’s not entirely selfish. Wouldn’t more people knowing he exists give him more worshippers? That sounds like a good deal for both of us.” Spacey mused. “Also, I’ve been trying to find a proper draconic boyfriend for years. Surely that persistence is worthy of SOMETHING… eh?”

  Celeste sighed. If it’s in the name of spreading His word, I suppose I can bother him with the occasional self-centered prayer… “Great God Asteron, please grant this lady’s request to find her soulmate!”

  Silence. With every moment, Celeste’s apprehension increased. Spacey was tapping her foot. “Great response.”

  Celeste was sweating nervously, a fact not helped by how hot her priestess robes could be. Perhaps I wasn’t specific enough. Maybe if I give more details… “Uh… find her DRACONIC soulmate!”

  After a long, awkward pause, still nothing occurred, not even a puff of smoke. A cartoonish grin appears on Spacey’s flat face, as she chuckled. “Told you that wouldn’t work.”

  Celeste’s normally pale skin turned a furious shade of red as she fumed. “IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE’S CHOOSY WITH WHAT HE DOES! HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!!”

  Spacey shrugged. “Well, that sounds like a weak way to operate… he should take lessons from the ACTUAL gods, holding big festivals in their names, putting in public appearances… even sleeping around with mortals… really, this Asteron needs some better PR.”

  “HE’S ABOVE SUCH MATERIAL PURSUITS!!”

  “Sure, godhead.” Spacey waved dismissively. “I’ll just take my work somewhere else so you can finish your prayers in peace.” She got up, carrying the hunk of junk belowdecks.

  How dare she! Such an insult! If Asteron didn’t teach peace and forgiveness, I’d smack her upside the head for being so rude!

  Celeste was seething. “Forgive her, Asteron, she knows not the blasphemy with which she speaks… smiting won’t be necessary.” But maybe an annoying inconvenience would teach her a lesson… wait, no, she’d just chalk it up to coincidence and not divine intervention! DARN IT!

  Spacey was still trying to fix her broken Force Cannon, before spying Stephen down the hall, scribbling in his notebook.

  Oh, perfect! Just the man I needed to see.

  Spacey had read all the volumes of Scales of Passion- cover to cover, repeatedly. He wrote with such a romantic touch- clearly he knew what he was talking about. Maybe he knows where I can find a Mr. Right to sweep me off my feet and add me to his hoard…

  “Excuse me, Mr. Myer…” Spacey slid over, desperately attempting to hide her nervousness. Focus! It’s not that difficult of a question! You asked Rex earlier!

  Granted, Rex was not a famous author that she idolized, so it was a little more difficult.

  “Yes? Do you need something?” Stephen adjusted his glasses, looking a little skittish.

  “Weelll… I figured, since you probably have some experience in draconic romance, do you happen to know any dragon bachelors? I’ve been on the market for YEARS and I’ve had no luck…”

  Stephen coughed, looking rather guilty. Uh-oh. Too much? Half the people I ask that to just laugh… or call me a weirdo…

  “Apologies, I am sorry to admit that I, ahem… don’t know any personally. I merely write about the subject matter… I’m not as well-travelled as you may have been led to believe.”

  I suppose it was too good to be true… dragons are famously choosy. “Oh. Darn. Well, hopefully you can give me some tips for seducing one the next time I meet one… with the way you write, clearly you must be a maestro in the ways of the heart…”

  Stephen’s face turned into an uncharacteristically serious expression, his mouth curled into a thin frown. “...you should probably ask somebody else about putting that into practice.”

  “Wait, you- you don’t have real experience with this??”

  “Not currently.”

  Spacey couldn’t believe her ears, that she didn’t have, per se, but she couldn’t believe her hearing anyway. Here was the premier romance author of most of the known world, at least in her eyes, telling her that he had no luck with women.

  Was the pedestal higher up than he could possibly live up to?

  Truly, sometimes fate is a paradox. “Huuhhhh? That’s… quite surprising. You’d think if you write about something you’d be able to know what to do about it…”

  Stephen sighed, looking rather annoyed. “Bad luck, I suppose. Is there anything else, or can I-”

  Spacey realized too late what she had said. Oops. I think I touched a nerve… of course he’d take that personally. Oh no, I can’t alienate my favorite author!!

  Wait. I know how to fix this!

  Spacey grabbed his hand, a determined look on her face.

  “That’s it! By the end of this adventure, we’ll find the perfect soulmate for you, just you wait! I’ll be your wingwoman!!”

  Stephen looked fairly caught off guard by the offer. “You really don’t have to do that… I’m sure I can manage-”

  “I totally get what it’s like to have the deck stacked against you from the start, look at me, I’m a construct trying to find a dragon. Do you know how specific that is?!”

  Stephen raised his eyebrow. “Very, I would imagine…”

  “Then we can be siblings in loneliness together! Your books gave me hope for my happy ending, I’m gonna find you yours!”

  Stephen smiled. “...thank you, I suppose. I appreciate the offer.”

  “Oh, good, now that that’s settled…” Spacey mused. Okay! Now’s the perfect time to ask! GO! “I, uh, have some books that, uh… could you autograph them? PLEASE??”

  That appeared to put a big grin back on Stephen’s face, much to Spacey’s relief. “Of course, anything for one of my adoring fans!”

  Stephen’s hand hurt from autographing Spacey’s entire collection of his novels. The noises of joy she made made it worth it though. Finally, meeting someone who actually cares about what I write… I thought I’d just be reading anonymous fan letters for the rest of my life.

  He staggered onto the deck of the ship. He wasn’t used to sailing, having been in a landlocked city for most of his childhood, and holed up in hotel rooms writing for a big portion of the rest of his life.

  Yes, it’s nice to- what in the gods’ name is that smell?

  His train of thought was cut off by a stench of fish nearby- fittingly, coming from a large pile of dead fish near the ship’s railing. It wasn’t there when he was there earlier… Stephen squinted to take a closer look. “Why is there a pile of fish in the middle of the-”

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  “DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!”

  Octavia’s shrill voice interrupted his sentence, startling him like a cat spotting a cucumber. “Wh-where…” He looked around, but couldn’t see her anywhere.

  “One second! I’m in the middle of organizing those!”

  The voice came from over the side of the ship. Stephen took a look, and was treated to the strange sight of Octavia slamming a fish against the surface of the water in an attempt to kill it.

  “There we go, this one’s dead… perfect. That should be enough… probably…”

  Stephen beheld the fish pile once again. Did- did she catch ALL of those? With her bare hands… tentacles… whatever. Most people would probably be disturbed, but he was fascinated.

  Well, if the drider isn’t interested, perhaps… I suppose it’s worth a shot…

  Octavia hoisted herself up the side of the deck, her long tentacles sticking to the wood as she dragged herself over the railing.

  “Whatcha doin’?”

  “Thinking, I suppose.”

  She leaned in to stare directly into his eyes, with her bizarre pupils unblinking. “About whaaaaat?”

  Come on, Stephen, she asked! And you want to make a good first impression, don’t you? First impressions are everything!

  “You… wouldn’t happen to be single, would you?”

  Octavia said nothing, as if the question had frozen her thought process. Stephen hoped this wouldn’t burn yet ANOTHER potential bridge… Better to burn it at the start than hope for it to be built only for it collapse.

  “Ha! Yes, I am! But sorry, you’re not my type… you’re not nearly ugly enough.”

  He wasn’t expecting that reaction. He’d dealt with a lot of rejections in his time- too short, too skinny, mostly ‘too desperate’- or the worst, getting told yes only to be ignored later- but being told he was too handsome was a new one. “Wh- too handsome? That… that’s oddly gratifying that you think I’m handsome…”

  “Yeeeeaaaahh… sorry, I only go for people who are, uh, more on the wavelength of chaos… no rules… no etiquette… physical deformities… things like that.”

  Well, at least she let me down gently… I suppose I can take comfort in that…

  “So, what’re you REALLY thinking about?” Octavia leaned over the edge of the deck, her head dangling over the water. If Stephen didn’t see her tentacles gripping the floor, he would’ve worried for her safety.

  “Well, I’d kind of settled into a rut of publishing my work, getting paid, not really leaving whatever place I’d holed up in… trying to meet people… I just hope that this is what will finally help me find… someone who likes me back, is all.”

  Octavia laughed. “Man, thinking is hard. Whenever I do that too much, I get all stressed out and junk. So I try to do that as little as possible!”

  Stephen sighed. “I wish I could do that so easily…”

  The octomaid lurched back over the railing, looking pensive. “You know what you need? You sound like you need some chaos in your life. One sec…” Octavia reached into a pocket on her robes, and pulled out a purple book. On the cover was a strange picture of a purple octopus giving a thumbs up.

  “What… what is this?”

  “Oh, it’s the Tome of Zarnath! Daddy gives these out to all his worshippers to spread the bad word of him. If you need any advice on how to kick those thoughts out of your head, come see me and I’ll clear all that fog away.”

  “R-really? You’d do that?”

  Octavia was practically beaming. “Of course! People get so wrapped up in what’s right or wrong that they forget what the most important thing is- to do what you WANT. If you live your life doing what you want, everything’s so much easier! Part of my job is to spread that philosophy to the world!”

  Stephen thought for a moment before taking the strange tome from her. “...I’ll take you up on that, I suppose. Thank you.”

  “Great!! Now, I gotta drag all this fish to the kitchen… I’m sure somebody’s gonna start complaining about food soon…” She sauntered off, dragging a barrel full of the fish she’d caught behind her.

  Stephen couldn’t get a read on her. At first she seemed like an insane lunatic, but she was surprisingly personable… and her way of thinking was oddly appealing.

  …it’s that easy, hm.

  Stephen smiled. Joining this odyssey may have been the right choice after all.

  Octavia was dragging the barrel of fish behind her with her tentacles, looking for the kitchen. I can eat it raw, but I’m sure nobody else here can… except the metal lady, she can’t eat anything… somebody else could probably do better with this…

  She didn’t have any experience cooking whatsoever- only making eldritch concoctions which were hardly edible most of the time- so she hoped somebody else would. She heard a voice coming from a nearby room- it was Usagi, the cute little rabbit.

  “Hm. The pickings are rather slender aboard this vessel. Hopefully we make landfall soon… otherwise we might have to resort to cannibalism.”

  Oh, good, he can cook. Finally, I can stop lugging this thing around, it’s heavy! Gently opening the door and slinking up behind him, Octavia breathed in, and yelled a greeting as loudly as she could muster.

  “HI, RABBIT!!” Octavia exclaimed loudly, making Usagi jump onto the table in fright. Ha! His fur’s practically standing on end! I love doing that.

  “Don’t- don’t DO that.”

  “You should’ve seen the look on your face!” Octavia guffawed. “Looked like you were about to jump out of your fur!! HA!”

  Usagi climbed down off the table, dusting himself off. “Do you often go around making skittish people fear for their lives?”

  “Sometimes. But that’s not the ONLY reason I came here…” Octavia shoved the barrel forward and into the room. “I heard you looking for food, couldn’t find any… well, here’s some! Was busy grabbing all these juicy little fishies out of the water!”

  Casually grabbing one out of the barrel and shoving it under her torso so her beak could gnash the bones apart, Octavia continued.

  Usagi looked disturbed at the sight. “What?”

  “Did you- did you just… what did you do?”

  “Oh, it’s fine. I’ve got a second mouth with a beak under there, I won’t choke on any of the bones!” She grinned, her yellowed teeth gleaming in the light of the room’s lantern.

  Nothing Octavia said appeared to make Usagi’s concern any less apparent. Man. It’s a totally normal part of my body! No different than your ears, Mr. Too-Cute-For-His-Own-Good.

  Ignoring his confusion, she continued to ramble. “I was hungry earlier, but I caught too much to eat all by myself. Here, you can use it for everybody else!!”

  Usagi peered at the pile of fish, rubbing his chin. “That’s… a sizable amount, actually. How did you catch it? We don’t have any fishing rods…”

  “Oh, I just grabbed them and slammed them against the water’s surface ‘til they died!” She grinned even wider.

  Usagi looked even more disturbed than before. Octavia couldn’t see why. Would he rather I deliver them to him alive? That’d be way more inconvenient, I’d think…

  “...quite. Well, thank you for the help… I can handle it from here…”

  “Cool. Anyway, I’mma take a nap. Wake me up when dinner’s ready!!” Octavia ripped open the top of another barrel, and crawled inside.

  Mmmm… comfy. Who needs beds when you have barrels?

  Usagi was busy attempting to cook a few of the fish that Octavia had dredged up. Thankfully, while it lacked in raw ingredients, the ship’s kitchen was decently stocked with cookware.

  The oven had some firewood already inside, so getting a decent cooking fire going wasn’t terribly difficult. Some of those were rather large, I’m impressed. Half of them aren’t edible, though… And some already have bites taken out of them… There should still be enough for a few meals, at least.

  Usagi sprinkled a little salt in the pot, the contents of which were already turning a decent white color. Fish soup was always a convenient option for being on ships, even if it wasn’t particularly glamorous.

  An eyeball floated to the top of the surface. “Oop. Let’s just… get rid of that…” Usagi grabbed it with the spoon and tossed it into the pile of fishbones to the side. Hopefully there aren’t any other unpleasant bits I missed…

  “The fuck is that smell?”

  Usagi turned to see Arandia standing outside the room. She couldn’t get all the way inside, since the doorway was too narrow for her abdomen to fit through.

  “Ah, a simple fish soup. Octavia so kindly donated the ingredients. Good thing, too- this ship had barely anything to speak of in terms of raw materials.”

  Arandia cocked her head, seemingly surprised. “You can cook? That’s a surprise. I just throw shit on a fire and eat it. Hell, sometimes I don’t even have that.”

  Usagi shrugged, letting the remark slide. “I try to maintain that skill, yes. It helps greatly when keeping up a sophisticated appearance, or infiltrating the homes of rich folk. Or making breakfast the morning after a successful night out.”

  “I didn’t even know rabbits could eat fish.”

  “Harengon can indeed. Most prefer vegetables, yes, but when you’re on the run constantly, you learn fairly fast that preferences mean little if you’re starving.”

  Arandia chuckled in approval. “Isn’t that the truth… I’ve had to eat literal trash before to not collapse. I don’t even remember what good food tastes like anymore…”

  Usagi chuckled. “Well, you’re about to remember. I need a taste tester…”

  “Me? Can’t you ask somebody else? I don’t, uh, really have the palate for this…”

  “Oh, it’ll just take a minute.” Usagi grabbed a ladle, carefully spooning some of the concoction into a small wooden bowl. Carrying it to Arandia, he held it up so the drider could grab it. “Try it, please.”

  “Listen, rabbit, I just eat what’s put in front of me. Growing up in the shithole back-alleys of the world, I didn’t have the luxury of ‘not liking’ things. I’m not sure what opinion I could give…”

  Usagi groaned. “Oh for- just try it, already! Even knowing it’s EDIBLE will be good enough.”

  “Fine.” Arandia grabbed the ladle and took a big gulp of the soup, sucking it down in an instant with a loud slurp. “Huh. That’s… good. It tastes like fish, it doesn’t make me want to vomit… yeah. It’s tasty.”

  “Oh, good. Given the limited stock, I was worried.” Really, I was worried about pissing off someone of your size and strength, but that too.

  Arandia reached down to rumple his fluffy head. “I’ll have to nominate you for the party cook position, then… that construct can’t eat, and I wouldn’t trust most of the rest of these clowns with cooking shit. Especially not Celeste, she’s been eating sweets from her bag all day. Her concept of nutrition is probably a blank slate.”

  “I’m glad to hear your vote of confidence. On a related note, go get Rex for me, will you? He hasn’t left the captain’s quarters since this afternoon, and I wouldn’t want His Majesty to miss out…” Usagi chuckled.

  “Sure. Be right back.” Arandia clomped off down the hall, leaving Usagi alone in the kitchen.

  Usagi reached up to readjust his fur. Hm. I was expecting her to be a fool, but she seems more put together than I gave her credit for. I’ll have to consult on some schemes later… criminals have to stick together.

  Arandia moved down the hall, towards the captain’s quarters, going to get Rex. Usagi had finished the dinner he was preparing, and Rex was the only one who hadn’t shown up yet.

  She rapped on the door loudly, and only heard loud snoring in response. Clearly something extra would be required to get him up. Arandia sighed. Good thing the captain’s quarters have double doors… otherwise I’d have to get somebody else to go in there.

  She barely squeezed through the gap, thanking her luck that her rear didn’t get stuck again, and staggered into the room. Arandia beheld the sight, standing over Rex. He was completely conked out, snoring loudly. Damn, he sounds like a hibernating bear. Far cry from the pompous jackass who broke me out of jail…

  “Yo. Boss. We found food. Get up.”

  All Rex did was let out a noncommittal grunt before shifting under the blanket. She frowned, and grabbed his shoulder to shake it. “Get UP. Food. NOW. Unless you want me to eat all of yours.”

  Another incomprehensible noise, before getting right back to dozing.

  Fucks sake, this guy’s talking his ass off about being the ‘greatest ruler of the world’ and he can’t even get up for food? Jackass.

  Arandia rolled her many eyes. “Right, if you don’t want to get up, I’ll just carry you.” Arandia grabbed and tossed off the blanket, revealing Rex still clad in his armor from earlier. What? Why- that’s heavy, why wouldn’t he take it off?

  “Father… no!! I’m not going to leave you here!!”

  What the fuck…? Arandia was taken aback by the sudden outburst. Rex was talking in his sleep. About what, she had no idea… but it couldn’t have been anything good. She grabbed and shook him more furiously, which finally roused him from his slumber.

  Rex was groaning in his usual annoyed manner. “What?! All right, I’m awake!!”

  “Uh… you were talking in your sleep. Do you want to talk about it, or-”

  Rex looked away, his normally brash voice softening. “Just a nightmare. Nothing you need to concern yourself with. What is it?”

  “Well, other question is, why the fuck are you sleeping in your armor? It’s gonna smell later.”

  Rex moaned. “You’re the second person to ask me that! I was too tired to take it off!!”

  “Right. Well, dinner’s ready.” Without waiting for a response, she scooped him up in a bridal carry with her large arms. “Damn, you’re heavy. All those royal palace dinners must’ve put on a few pounds…”

  Rex was thrashing about, albeit weakly thanks to his exhaustion. “How dare you?! Unhand me! Kings are not to be carried around like bundles of firewood!! Especially when they’re trying to sleep!! AND I AM AT A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WEIGHT FOR MY AGE AND SPECIES!!”

  Arandia was in no mood for anyone’s nonsense, especially not when she was hungry. “Okay, asshole, want me to drop you on the ground instead, so you can crawl your way to the kitchen?”

  Neither of them said anything, and a wordless understanding seemed to have been reached. “Thought so. You’re lucky I’m a strong bastard, otherwise you’d be out of luck.”

  Arandia squeezed back through the doorway and carted him to the dining hall. She was having trouble getting his sleeping outburst out of her head...

  He was going on and on about reclaiming his kingdom… hm. Maybe he’s not as much of a blowhard noble as I thought. Or he is, and he just happens to have dead relatives. Whatever. I’m sure I’ll find out later.

  Or maybe we have more in common than I thought.