The cold was biting, leaving behind little speckles of gooseflesh as Madelynn wrapped her arms around herself. The bed dipped next to her, and she peeled her swollen eyes open to see Callum sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning down as he fiddled with something. A pristin black uniform decorated him, and his hair was slicked back- those beautiful waves held flat under the weight of hair gel.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, reaching out to run her fingers against the rough fabric of his uniform.

  He startled, his back going rigid before he turned to look at her, a sad smile stretching his lips. He’d shaved off his stubble, that gruff, messy looking man refined into the soldier she’d just barely met that night at the Banquet. “You’re up early,” he breathed out as he reached out and ran a knuckle down her cheek. “I have to go to work.” His eyes trailed down her for just a moment before he turned away from her again.

  She pushed herself upright, watching as he laced up his boot. “Work?” she asked, her voice still scratchy from sleep. “What are they going to have you doing?”

  Finished tying his boot, he sat up straight and rolled his shoulders. “I’m not sure yet.” His voice was soft, and Madelynn’s brows drew together, wondering if he was upset over last night. “We’re a long way from Daam, so I imagine it’ll be office work.”

  “Sounds…boring.” She crossed her legs under her and watched as he stood, twisting his back and tilting his neck as his joints popped. “How long will you be gone?”

  “I’ll be back before the sun goes down,” he said easily, leaning down to kiss her on the forehead. His hand ran through her curls as he stood straight again, his eyes full of something she couldn’t quite place. “My mom dropped by this morning with some biscuits. They’re being kept warm in the furn, I believe.” He watched her for a second longer before turning away and exiting the bedroom.

  “Callum!” Madelynn pushed herself off the bed, her bare feet padding across the wooden floor. “You’re leaving so soon?”

  He was nearly at the door when he turned around to look at her. “I’m already running late,” he said, his voice tense. “It’s my first day in a new setting, I can’t tarnish my reputation with tardiness already.”

  Madelynn frowned as he turned away from her and slammed the door behind himself. She followed him, pulling the door open once again, and watched his carriage depart without so much as a wave from him. She wrapped her arms around herself as Callum’s oversized t-shirt did little to keep the brisk morning air from digging into her skin.

  Mud squelched between her toes as she turned back around and stepped back into the small cabin. What was his problem? He seemed so tense, and she was nearly positive it wasn’t from the prospect of being late to work. Maybe he was nervous about starting a new job after being campaigning for so long? Or was he frustrated with her inability to… perform… last night?

  The memory of their drunk escapades crashed down on Madelynn like a sack of bricks and she slumped against the door, sinking down onto the rough floor of the cottage. Her mother would’ve called her a prude for what she’d done last night- the other Ladies would have mocked her and said she was a tease. Was that what Callum thought of her?

  She took a deep breath, letting her head fall back to knock against the door. Was she truly such a failure? Callum had cradled her with such gentleness, so much love, and all she’d done is let him down again. Maybe she wasn’t ready to be a wife, maybe he’d been right and the marriage had been a mistake. She’d thought things would get better after they’d been wed, easier, but everything was just a new form of complicated now.

  She felt like a rabbit stuck in a pit of lions. On one end, she had Callum, who was so loving, so respectful- and his family, who’d shown her nothing but kindness. On the other, she had her family. Her mother, with her scornful eyes and rotten tongue, and her father’s quiet condescension. And Casimir- her stomach seized at the thought. He’d come back for her. He’d come and take her again and she’d be forced to endure whatever he threw at her because if not, he’d hurt Callum. Again. She couldn’t let that happen- couldn’t watch him suffer because of her poor choices anymore. When Casimir came for her, she’d leave willingly. She’d endure his torment so Callum didn’t have to. Maybe then, she’d be good enough for him. Be the wife he needed her to be.

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  Madelynn scrubbed her hands over her face. She was wallowing again, and she hated herself for it. If Callum was here, he’d scoop her up in his arms and tell her everything was okay because they were together. But… everything wasn’t okay. She was falling apart and everyone around her just seemed to tiptoe around that fact, like if they ignored the problem for long enough, her life would just piece itself back together. Or maybe they just didn’t care enough to acknowledge her torment.

  Callum cared, right?

  “Maddie?”

  Elise’s soft voice drew Madelynn from her thoughts. She looked up to see her looking down at her with raised eyebrows. She hadn’t even heard her emerge from her room.

  “You okay?” Elise asked, kneeling down next to Madelynn, placing a tentative hand on her arm.

  Madelynn closed her eyes, willing the lingering thoughts of doom from her mind. “Yeah,” she breathed out, pushing herself to stand, “I’m alright.”

  “You sure?” Elise asked tentatively, as if Madelynn was on the verge of snapping in half. She was.

  “Yes,” Madelynn replied, forcing a smile. She turned toward the kitchen and called over her shoulder, “Callum said Lora stopped by this morning with some biscuits.” She knelt next to the open furn, the smell of smoke smacking her in the face as she reached in and felt for the biscuits. She’d always hated that smell- hated the way it reminded her of her father’s cigars when she was just a child. Things had been so much easier then, back when her largest worry was whether or not she’d get the largest helping of noodles at dinner. Back when her sisters were still around to pick her up when she fell, when she was surrounded by so much love it threatened to suffocate her.

  When had things gone so wrong?

  Then, Elise’s hand appeared on her back, and she knelt down next to her with a concerned look. “Do you want to talk about last night?”

  Madelynn balked, leaning away from her. “What do you know of last night?” she accused.

  Elise held up her hands in surrender. “I don’t know anything!” she shouted, standing back up and whirling away from Madelynn. “All I’m saying is I barely even had the chance to settle down with my book before you two started ravaging each other… by the sounds of it at least.” She shot Madelynn a smirk that felt more like a knife in the pit of her belly.

  When Madelynn just stared at her, Elise tilted her head, the smirk falling form her face as she nervously twiddled her fingers in front of her. “Is that not what happened?”

  Madelynn scratched at the back of her neck, not knowing how to respond. It had almost happened. And then she’d nearly puked on him with all the sobbing that had torn through her.

  She felt pathetic all over again as Elise slid to the floor, leaning against the wall opposite her. “Can you please let me in?” Elise asked softly, her voice a quiet plea. “Every day since the wedding, you’re slowly slipping away from me.” She didn’t meet Madelynn’s gaze, her eyes watching her hands in her lap. “I’m supposed to be your best friend, but every time you shut me out, I feel like even more of a jester in your and Callum’s court.”

  Madelynn bowed her head. Elise was right. Madelynn had been so focused on her own struggles, she hadn’t stopped to consider that she was pulling away from Elise- her best and, for a long time only- friend.

  And so, Madelynn told her everything. She started with her desperate kiss after Callum’s violent seizure, what Casimir had told her when he’d shifted her away- and didn’t stop talking until she’d recounted her confession to Callum about all her horrible thoughts, and his distance this morning.

  Elise just nodded as she spoke, her years as a handmaiden sharpening her ability to absorb such gossip.

  And, when Madelynn finally finished speaking, Elise stood and pulled her to stand, wrapping her in the warmest, most tender hug she’d ever felt. Madelynn inhaled the scent of her friend- a light breeze on a dewy spring morning- and she felt home.

  Then, Elise pulled away from her, holding her at arm’s length. “So,” she started, her usual chipper tone not dampened by Madelynn’s long monologue, “it sounds like you’re pretty much losing control of your life- or at least feel like it.” Her lips twisted up into a sinister grin and Madelynn fought the urge to pull away from her.

  “And?” Madelynn drew out, not sure she wanted to hear her expanded thoughts on the subject.

  “And…” Elise pulled away from her, hurrying to her room, then emerging a moment later with her burlap sack. “I’m going to teach you how to use your Essence.”