“You’ve got the wrong… I hesitate to pick a term.”
“Thief lord?” Zia asked. The bulky, tanned woman behind the desk raised a single, distinctively unamused eyebrow. I thought the bouncer was built, but this lady works out. I can’t even blame expensive tailoring and padding, because you can see muscles shift when she settles in her seat. I’d be built like that but it’s not the most feminine look. I worked out before I came out, but… well.
“We were made aware of this, honored… I hesitate to guess a name,” Zidrist cut in with just a hint of sarcasm. How can raising the same eyebrow appreciate Zidrist’s wit while disdaining mine? “But we need directions, and it was, ah… suggested that we could do some work for you to be directed to the correct—sorry, to the… hmm. Directed to the thief lord we seek. Known to you on a purely social basis.”
Zia’s attention wandered while Zidrist fenced verbally with the thief lord. My line was something that would have gotten accolades for the Daring Kaliskast. I’m starting to doubt they’re even the real and true adventures of an itinerant ouroboros.
It’s a nice mansion. The outside is adobe, but the walls were thick enough to conceal masonry, and the inside is all wood paneling. That’s got to be expensive in a land of constant sandstorms. Not to mention, it’s an added storey tall, so that third floor doesn’t hang out in the gloom of narrow streets and buildings leaning against each other. And the furniture doesn’t so much as creak when I sit on it. It’s… what, mahogany? Or just oak… okay, so I can’t identify wood by its appearance. But those were the fancy woods that came up in the Daring Kaliskast. I think mahogany was the dark one.
What is it with thief lords and singers? Is that just the tasteful version of the dancers who would inevitably help Kaliskast to sneak in and steal or murder or whatever because of his raw appeal? I suppose they could be dancing, I think they’re in the next room so they don’t drown out business. Though Darka’s humming along is still pretty distracting. Speaking of business, I suppose as leader I should be paying a little more attention to the discussion. Oh sarx, did I miss her name? That’s going to make cutting in again awkward. Sigh. I just don’t have the best time listening.
Darka nudged Zia in the side. “Hey, we need the letter.”
“Don’t nudge me. Why do we need the letter?”
“Your underlings’ attention span doesn’t speak well of you, Zidrist,” the thief lord said dryly. Underling?! I’m not an underling, I am the leader, I was delegating!
Zidrist sighed and turned to Zia. “To establish that we can be trusted with a delicate task, because we wouldn’t have been recommended to the Royal Society member for an exchange of favors if we hadn’t already performed well.” Zia recoiled mentally from the vitriol in Zidrist’s voice. I’m sorry! I was bored! The thief lord wasn’t interested in my humor and you took over and I just… it’s nice to be around nice things again. I’m tired of adventuring. It’s not glamorous, it’s rarely interesting except when it’s terrifying, and it’s nothing at all like the Adventures of the Daring Kaliskast. I’m going to burn those books when I get home. She fished the letter out of her pack and handed it over to Zidrist, who in turn handed it to… I really need to catch her name. Sigh.
Reading it at an impressive speed, the thief lord turned her gaze back up to Zidrist. “It does not specify the task you undertook for Lord Born.”
“Theft. A thug had gotten ideas above his station and we were sent to appropriate the regalia he had had fashioned for himself.”
“And you succeeded?”
“You are welcome to send by ‘Loon if you wish for details, but yes.” Ah… wouldn’t that be a bad idea? I mean, we burned down his mansion. Oh, wait, it’s bluster. Bravado. She wouldn’t bother. “He never even knew we were taking it.” I mean… technically true.
The woman—I think I’ll think of her as Tough until I can ask someone what her name was—folded the letter neatly and handed it back to Zidrist, who turned it over to Zia. “I have a relatively low-stakes caper that I want done. You’re deniable—” I hate being referred to that way. “—and if you fail, I can make my point a different way. There is a thief lord who keeps her mansion in the curtain wall. It would… entertain me for her husband’s wedding ring to end up in my possession. Born is in good standing with the Society, I will give you your directions upon my gaining possession of the ring, rather than making you wait until I confirm that you aren’t double dealing.”
Zia nudged Drexl and whispered, “What does she mean, double dealing?”
“I quote you when I say, ‘Don’t nudge me.’ She means giving her a fake ring as part of a ploy to lower her status while being secretly in the other thief lord’s employ.”
“Quite,” Tough said. “This room is quite intentionally a bit small for whispers to be inaudible.” And here I just figured you ran out of budget. I should… probably not say that out loud. “She’s known as Lady Amorous, eschewing the neutral title of Lord to emphasize her happily married status. Thus my interest in making off with her husband’s wedding band.”
Zidrist drew back. “You don’t mean to imply he carried on an affair with you? I’m a happily married woman myself,” she grabbed Darka’s hand. “And I will not be party to causing marital strife.”
As Tough began to open her mouth to speak, Zia cut in. “As the leader of the Heirrors, I have no compunctions with causing marital strife, without our spiritual advisor if needs be.” Zidrist shot her a vile look. “You’re the one who started this trend of encouraging defiance of clerical authority,” she hissed.
Zidrist cocked her head and pursed her lips, before sighing and shrugging. “Very well. Make your own mess. I’ll rejoin you when this is over with. Darka, let’s leave our leader to her follies.”
Darka did not immediately move. Tough was watching blandly, and said, “Ah, so you’re Zia. I would think you would pay more attention, as leader.”
“I delegate. Zidrist caught your interest, but the actual bargaining I can handle myself.”
“Can you?” Zidrist murmured.
Darka cut off her humming, and turned to Zidrist. “I don’t mind helping. You wouldn’t believe I had gifted my wedding band to another woman, a union with that much insecurity despite a known dynamic of status thefts is not one that honors the institution.” Ho-ho! Go Darka! Thank you for the vote of confidence! Zia grinned and clapped Darka on the shoulder companionably.
Zidrist closed her eyes for a moment, and then sighed again. “Alright. So this will be a team effort.”
Tough leaned forward, lacing her fingers. “I must say, I have to wonder how you function as a criminal band when you face this much contention over a simple theft. Perhaps I will send to Lord Born before you take this job.”
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
Zia, acting on impulse, replied with, “Well, we know where we’re going already, so we’ll be taking the job either way. If you’d rather we make our own name with the theft, be my guest. Perhaps Lady Amorous would give us directions.”
“Zia,” Drexl hissed. “That’s not how you play the game.”
“Too late now,” Zia replied with a wide grin. “So, what do you say, Lord Not-A-Thief?”
“Ah, so you missed my name as well, while you were woolgathering. You are either extremely competent mavericks or when I hear back from Born I will make sure your name is blackened from here to Starless City. That’s on the eastern coast of Fief, in case you Dragoldians don’t know.” Darka was humming again. Zia paused and listened, hearing faint lyrics about, ironically enough, loving one’s wife. Does all of Fief use the same hymnal?
“And when we return triumphant?”
“I will tell you where to find Lord Spirit. Given that you found me without even finding out I was the wrong Lord, I will be impressed for you to do so.”
“Lord Hew,” Darka began, “would it not reflect poorly upon you to blacken the name of someone you hired? You’ve given the job to, as you say, mavericks. Wouldn’t it be best to let us complete the job and then leave your dominion before you are associated too closely with us? If nobody can find us, nobody can prove you acquired the ring from more than a fence.”
“You speak well. If Zidrist is the brains of your little band, clearly you are the tongue.” Hey! What’s that make me?! “Tell me, how do you find married life?”
Darka’s eyebrows went up, but she replied smoothly, “Happiest twenty-odd years of my life.”
“Really. Interesting. And to what do you attribute that?”
Zidrist swept her arm and replied for Darka, “She has excellent taste in women.”
At this, Lord Hew laughed. “You two are quite the team! If crime doesn’t pan out for you, you might consider comedy, or theater.”
“Is that an offer of employment, Lord? I am an accomplished chorister, one of your altos is matching the sopranos down an octave.”
“You would abandon your quest so readily?” That’s what I’d say! If I’d thought of it! You insisted on coming along to keep Zidrist out of trouble! Then again, maybe Drexl and I don’t need Zidrist along. There are churches here, and they’re a bit more pleasant than the ones in Dragold, even if they don’t properly revere dragons. It’s like… hmm. It’s like they reign through love of the One God, rather than fear of a great and terrible dragon. But didn’t the One God give Izkarzon His—his authority? So wouldn’t it still be following a theistic faith? They’re not atheists like they taught us… I need to pay attention, or we lose Darka and Zidrist.
“I’m afraid without an offer of employment for my wife,” Darka said, “I cannot accept your generous proposition, Lord.”
Hew nodded. “You have given me much to think about. I need a new chorister, for one,” she laughed. “And perhaps I need a wife. But then, it’s hard to find a suitable partner when one has power and wealth. You never know who’s working for someone else, or merely themselves.”
Zidrist preened. “I was extremely fortunate in my choice of mate. I am a deacon at a prestigious church, back in the capitol of Dragold, a position which holds no small measure of power and wealth.” If it comes with wealth, why am I the cash cow?! Wait, that’s what I bring to the table, aside from being named leader in the letter. Sarx.
“You are not a criminal by career? Interesting. What brings you to rub shoulders with, ah, scum such as myself?” Hey! Drexl’s a criminal, and she’s not scum!
Zia cut in, repeating her internal monologue and continuing on with “The criminality of our actions is for the greater good of Dragold! We are seeking out Izkarzon’s heir, to end the civil war and return us to peaceful draconic rule!”
“I had no idea that Dragold was undergoing such unrest. How… interesting.” Why is that interesting to everyone in Fief? He was our God-King, of course we’d want to find the God-Queen to take over with his demise.
“Is it not common knowledge that the Dragonslayer came from the Sevens to murder our Lord and Savior?”
“Fief was the one to murder the Savior. Or do you mean your dragon?”
Zia was at a loss for words, another piece of dogma crumbling around her head. Gotorjod was the Savior of mankind in the garden when the Lord turned His wrath upon humanity, but then the Savior crowned Izkarzon the God-King, which means that Izkarzon was distinct from the Savior, which means our fate in the afterlife… isn’t decided by Izkarzon. Was everything we were taught a lie? Zidrist… she’s already ahead of me. That’s why she was discussing theology with one of the… what do you call them. Wholist priestesses. Zia was suddenly full of a claustrophobic need to get out of the small office of Lord Hew and talk to Zidrist. “Send to Lord Born or do not. My Heirrors need to discuss some things, and then we will carry out your job. We shall return within—” Zia quickly counted the number of days ‘Loon service could circulate a message. “Three days.” She spun on her heel and walked out of the room, brushing aside bodyguards who, fortunately, seemed disinterred in preventing her egress.
Outside the castle-manor, Zia got as far as the next street over before spinning to face Zidrist. “Is it all a lie? Why are you still here? Why didn’t you protect me from the corrupting influence of the outside world?! That was the whole reason we brought you—”
”You brought her to visually confirm the identity of Izkarzon’s heir,” Darka interrupted.
“You were also here to protect us from heretical ideology, but you’re ahead of us in getting corrupted! You were gabbing away with that priestess like you’d done it all your life!”
Zidrist put her hands up defensively. “I was discussing matters of theology independent of Izkarzon. Explain to me what you’re wound up about and I will explain why it’s common confusion, not heresy.”
“You’re a priestess—a deacon, whatever—your job is to point out what is heresy and punish it! Why are you even willing to entertain errors of dogma?!”
“Because you are very devout, and I know this.”
“I don’t need a gently supporting clergy woman, I need structure! None of this is going how it’s supposed to and you’re not helping!”
“Zia,” Darka spoke up, “Aren’t you yelling at a cleric of Izkarzon?”
Zia froze in her frantic pacing, and then creakily turned to face Zidrist, who was looking blandly back at her. “Our Dragon of Mercy, forty times, penitent. Is that the structure,” she spat the word, “that you so crave, Zia? I can work with you, or I can be the power behind the throne. If you want this to be my show, you will speak when spoken to and you will not question who I speak to or the manner in which I speak to them.”
“Yes, deacon. Thank you, deacon. My apologies. Forty Our Dragon—but it’s not Izkarzon who grants mercy! It’s the Savior! But we pray to Izkarzon! I don’t understand!”
“You do not need to understand, penitent. Isn’t that the first lesson of the Icosal Imperatives of Izkarzon? ‘You do not need to understand, only to obey.’”
“I—yes, deacon, thank you deacon. Forty Our Dragon of Mercys. I can lead, with your guidance. I will say my penance, and then we’ll go find Lady Amorous’ mansion and get her husband’s wedding band. Remind me which finger that is?”
Got a Wife
There is one woman I adore
She’s all I need I’ve never wanted more
A blessing who’s come from above
My wife is the woman that I love!
Oh I’ve got a wife, she’s smarter than me
We share the same bed in the night
Oh I’ve got a wife, how can it be
The Lord knows she’s all that is right
Oh~all that’s right and dear
The One God I never will deride
‘Cause of this woman who’s standing by my side
In prayer, to my wife my mind stays near
He’s blessed me with the one that I hold so dear
Oh I’ve got a wife, she’s delightfully sweet
There’s not one thing about her I don’t like
Oh I’ve got a wife, she’s thinks I’m neat
That’s why I thank the Lord each and every night!
Oh I’ve got a wife and she’s quality
In church I’m proudly there by her side!
Oh~she’s all that’s right and dear
Oh~am I making myself clear?
I’ve got a wife
I’ve got a wife in my life
I won’t trade her for anything~
Oh I’ve got a wife, my arm I will wing
Chivalry ‘cause it’s cute and it’s fun
Oh I’ve got a wife, funny thing
Respect her as my number one
Oh I’ve got a wife she’s my everything
With the sole exception of God
Oh I’ve got a wife to her I’m hightailing
After I’m done with my job!
Oh she’s all that’s right and
Oh she’s all that’s right and
Oh she’s all that’s right and dear
