I had been left in silence when Amoriana left the room. A deafening quiet that forced me to confront the uncomfortable thoughts I had been avoiding. Cordelia clearly despised me, and the "Demon" that haunted me would likely finish me off in the next few days...
Sighing, I collapsed back onto the bed, covering my eyes with my wrist. Four years. My brother's child might be a few years old by now. "Pfft... pahaha... hah..." I laughed bitterly. I could have been an aunt if I had just stayed still that day. "Fuck..." The word slipped out as I pulled at my hair, taking in a sharp breath. Slowly, I exhaled, trying to suppress the rising tension in my chest.
Amoriana returned not even five minutes later with bandages and what seemed to be a bowl of water. Another maid had opened the door for her, and Amoriana had quickly walked over to me, her footsteps urgent yet strangely quiet. They felt delayed, as though the sound belonged to something else entirely. I blinked, briefly seeing double, before dismissing it as a minor concussion.
"You're back," I murmured, my voice softer than intended.
"Of course." Her tone was steady, reassuring. She gently turned my head to the side, her fingers trembling slightly. I wondered how bad the wound really was. I hadn't touched it since it happened, and there hadn't been any real pain, just numbness. Her hand moved from my cheek as she dipped the cloth into the water, then dabbed it against the wound.
Still no pain. Was it possible I had lost the ability to feel it? The thought unsettled me. Before, every sensation had been too sharp, unbearable, and now—nothing. I almost missed it.
"You're so strong, My Lady..." Amoriana's voice was soft, pulling me from my spiraling thoughts. I shut my eyes, exhaling slowly.
"I don't know about that..." I said, trailing off. "I just don't care about... most things."
I had almost said "anything," but that would have been a lie. I cared about Amoriana, and—Fane...
My heart ached at the thought of him, memories of our time together rushing back. He had always been my anchor. No matter what happened, Fane was supposed to be there for me. But he wasn't, and I hadn't seen or heard from him in years. That truth hurt more than any physical wound ever could.
"My Lady?" Amoriana's voice cut through my thoughts again, pulling me back to the present. I must have been staring off into space.
I sighed, leaning forward, pressing my forehead gently against hers. I didn’t want her to leave my side. Without Fane, I had felt hollow, lost in a world that had no mercy. But Amoriana... Amoriana had been there, filling the empty spaces in ways I hadn’t even realized.
"What's wrong?" I asked, noticing the worried crease between her brows. Her angelic face was a picture of concern, and for a moment, I thought I could drown in the warmth it brought me.
"I was calling for you. Are you alright? There's no pain? What about a headache?"
Her voice was so soothing, I almost wished I could just fade away into it. I had already died once—what would be the harm in slipping away into her care now? But the worry in her eyes tethered me to the present. She cared. Truly cared.
My hands moved to cup her face, my thumbs gently brushing her cheeks. She flinched in surprise, her eyes widening slightly.
"Everything's fine," I whispered. "No pain... I'm just tired."
I paused, searching her face for something—what, I wasn’t sure. Did I love her? Or was I clinging to her because she was the only thing keeping me sane? The questions swirled in my head, making it throb, but I pushed them aside.
All I knew for certain was that I couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving. I wanted her close, always close. I wanted her to whisper to me, to soothe me, to tell me that everything would be alright—even if it was a lie. I would do anything to keep her by my side.
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"Everything... is fine," I repeated, more to convince myself than her, I believe. "Just tired."
For now, I would cling to the comfort Amoriana provided. Fane’s absence, the nightmare that was my life—I would deal with those things later. Right now, all I needed was her.
She checked over the bandages she wrapped around my head before nodding. "My lady, I think it would be best if you got some rest." They told me, tucking me into bed far too early today. I understand I got hit over the head, and likely got a concussion, but going to bed didn't sit right with me. As I sat up again, Amoriana spoke up, and almost barked at me to lie down. This was as stern as she had ever been with me. "I don't wish to bring in your Lord Father and Mother to chide you, but I will if I—"
"but I will if I—" As soon as I mentioned her parents, I saw the change in her. Her entire body went rigid, eyes wide like she was bracing for a blow and her breathing became shallow as if she was trying to make herself invisible, with her hands clutched the sheets so tightly her knuckles turned white.
Then, without warning, she bit down on her lip—hard. Blood welled up, staining her teeth, but she didn’t flinch, didn’t even seem to notice. Her gaze was far away now, locked somewhere I couldn’t reach. A slight tremor ran through her frame, and for a moment, it was like I wasn’t in the room at all. She was lost in something terrible, something I didn’t understand.
I tried to reach for her, but my hand stopped in midair, afraid of what I might do to make it worse.
Was the doctor right? Could she not feel pain? I had noticed scarring around her bottom lip before, but I had thought they were simply chapped. But had she been biting them without realizing?
"Excuse me, My Lady." I said, and reached for her again, only to feel her hand slap mine away. The betrayal in her eyes was palpable, and I felt like I had stepped upon a line I shouldn't have. "My Lady. you are injured, please." I spoke softly, and her small lips pulled into a straight line before seemingly relenting. I had never seen My Lady like this. The fear and anger in her eyes was raw, visceral—like she wasn’t even seeing me anymore but something else. What had changed? What had I done?
As I pulled her lip down with my thumb, a cold wave of dread surged through me. The damage was worse than I had imagined—her lip wasn’t just chapped; it was torn, a small chunk missing from the inside, scarred over like a wound that had never properly healed. My hand shook, and I felt an icy grip tightening around my chest. How long had she been doing this? Had she been in this much pain, or lack thereof, all along, and I had failed to see it? The thought made me sick.
"Oh…" I whispered under my breath, struggling to keep my voice steady. What if she bit off her tongue next? What if she’s been hurting herself for weeks, months, and I never knew? I swallowed the rising panic, but the thought stayed, clawing at my mind, leaving me breathless with fear. I had been entrusted to protect her, and I was failing her.
The idea scared me more than anything.
My dear friends had entrusted Lady Lorena to me and I nearly failed them to a point I could not repair. Not only had I failed to protect her from her own sister, but I was ignorant of the damage she was causing to herself.
"My lady, are you aware that there is..." I began, but the words stuck in my throat. I swallowed, my heart pounding against my ribs. How could I tell her? How could I look her in the eyes and say, ‘You’re hurting yourself without even knowing it’? Would that make her withdraw further? Would she resent me for bringing it up? Or worse, would she simply stop caring altogether?
I hesitated, the weight of the words I could say crushing me. I could feel the chasm widening between us—the distance created by her silence. If I crossed the line now, I might lose her trust completely. But if I stayed silent, how could I live with myself, knowing she was spiraling, knowing I had done nothing to stop it?
My throat tightened as I sighed, forcing the words back down. "No, nevermind." I mumbled, feeling a pang of guilt tear through me. Maybe she didn’t need to know right now. Maybe I was just a coward, afraid to tell her the truth in fear of her hating me. But the terror in her eyes... I couldn’t add to it. Not today.
There was a silence between us that left me feeling that there was a gap that would be hard to cross. I tilted her head one way, then the other, checking for any other damage that they might have without realizing. Thankfully, there hadn't been any. I would need to keep an eye out for her biting her lip, though.
Finally, when my check-up was done, I looked into their eyes before bowing my head. I saw the fear in their eyes had subsided, but it clearly was still there. And I had to wonder just what had caused it. I looked back through my memories, and tried to remember every time I saw her flinch or freeze up. And it took me a moment.
But in the end, I found that it was always when I mentioned her parents, Lord and Lady Winthrope...
"My Lady..." I looked up at them slowly. "are... you afraid of Lady Winthrope?" There it was... she flinched again, and gripped the sheets tightly and, after a brief moment of shaking, she nodded her head. "Can I ask why?"
She hugged herself close, her teeth chittering inside her mouth as her eyes narrowed and her lips pulled tight together before shaking her head.
"Are you done with... the check-up?" She asked shakily, avoiding looking at the basin or cloths. I nodded in response. "Then leave me be... bring dinner to me later, and..." She looked at me once before going beneath the covers and blankets. "make sure to tell Mother that I want to be alone."
"Understood, My Lady..."
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