Ch 3: Welcome to My Hell

  “Psssh!” Water was pouring down the drain, dense vapor surrounded me. I, feeling and in all honesty looking like a worn-out goblin with those odd strands of hair sticking out, sat motionless on the cold bathroom floor, just inches from the shower; questioning my life's choices.

  What the hell was I doing? How much time has passed since…I must have been trying to do this for what, a week or was it two…unsuccessful…sigh…

  One would think, this was something hard. Nope, not even close. A FREAKING shower. I wasn’t sure why I was like this. It was just…hard to start. Yeah…as absurd as it might have sounded, the were just way too many steps in taking a shower. I never wanted to be like this.

  I needed a routine. I wanted to follow a nice schedule, to actually sleep more than three hours per day. What was stopping me? What could possibly be so darn hard about this? Nobody else had this problem.

  “PATHETIC!” I scoffed. One thing for sure, my mind was doing a darn good job of eating me up.

  “Squeak...” Momentarily, my breathing halted. I felt uneasy, my heart was beating faster. Somebody was walking next to the bathroom door. I heard the sound of floorboards moving. “Creak!” My stomach dropped. It stopped.

  “Bang, Bang!” That startled me. Two, loud, consecutive knocks. “BANG!” I glanced at the door, fighting a rising rush of panic.

  "Mara! Are you in there?" My mom, that was the stern voice of my mom. I felt the air knocked out of me. Not literally of course, but it sure as hell felt like it.

  It was late at night and she just came from work, a work she hated, a work she been at since the first rays of sun. She probably wanted to freshen up and sleep. Too bad for her. There was me. A lazy deadbeat, who couldn’t even do one simple thing. Just not get in the way. I couldn’t even do that much.

  “Uhmm,” I groaned, hitting the back of my head harder than l expected. There was something wrong with me, something rotten in my core. I must have been faulty. I couldn’t see any other reasons as to why I was like this. Everybody else seemed to have gotten it together.

  Annoyed, my mom called me for the second time. “Mara!” This time it was louder and sharper. Fear. Soul clenching fear was taking hold of me.

  “Did she find out?” A sole thought occupied my mind. Her tone of voice suggested she was mad. I thought I hid it well enough. Maybe not. I froze. “Mara” that stern, snappy tone of voice. I was scared of her. I must have left evidence. Of course. For fucks sake! She used to be a criminal detective. How could I have been so darn STUPID!

  I should have known. She was bound to find out eventually. It was only a matter of time. What do I do? How do I answer her questions?

  “MA…RA!!”

  "I am coming...” I replied as calmly as I could.

  I was nervous. I didn’t know how I will face her. I finally got up.

  “Just give me a minute." Hurriedly, I started to dampen my body with water, making myself look as if I came out from the shower. I was rushing. I couldn’t admit to my mom that all I did was sit on the floor as water was running from that showerhead. Honestly, I was also delaying time. I wanted to prolong that talk for as long as possible. Ideally, make it never happen. “Shoot”, I almost forgot to wet my hair.

  And done! I pulled on the handle, turning off the shower’s water splashing on my head.

  "Plop!" I flipped my hair back. That one certainly wasn’t as smooth as in those movies. Not only did some of my hair get stuck in the hook holding the shower curtain, a good handful of it hit me in the face on its way back down.

  “Great!” Tired, dejected, I had no time for something like this, I was pushing the boundaries of my mom’s patience already. I was anxious of what to come.

  Forcefully, I pulled my hair from under the hook, away from my face. And…surprise, surprise…it broke. I had multiple strands of torn hair in my left hand now.

  I sighed, shaking the hair off my hand. The bathroom floor was a wet mess. Water continued to drip from the tips of my hair. The thick linen cloth, I just put on, was sticking to my wet body. None of it mattered tho. My mom was still there, behind the door, waiting. Waiting for me to come out. It was actually scarier now that she stopped calling my name.

  There was; however, some good news. I no longer felt drowsy. Although my eyes were semi-closed and out of focus at times. Delaying the inevitable, I walked closer to the mirror.

  “Mara you are…” I was expecting to look myself straight into the eyes. Condensation wasn’t something I accounted for. “…pathetic,” I finished my previous thought. My head was buzzing. I might have spoken too soon about the drowsy thing, my sleep deprivation was too strong. “Sleep, sleep, s…(yawn)…leeep,” I thought.

  Leaning forwards, putting my hand on the mirror I slid it downwards. My body jolted. I almost fell head first into the sink. I saw my reflection now. Those exhaustion painted dark circles under my eyes were part of it too, unfortunately.

  At times like those I felt like I should dye my hair blond since my raven black hair and eyes just further accentuated my deathly pale complexion. "Maybe I should actually wash my face," I murmured to myself, eyeing my worn-out reflection.

  "Doll-like face and dove eyes…I was often told that my eyes are hypnotizing. Perhaps I am actually pretty?"

  I took a closer look at myself.

  “Pretty? Yeah right! In your dreams maybe.” I rolled my eyes from this sheer passing thought. As always my own reflection brought nothing but disappointments. “I remembered being asked wherever I am a boy. They said I looked boyish. Yep…all this,” my eyes went up and down scanning my reflection, “…needs improvement.”

  Water started pouring into the sink the moment I pulled on the handle, still lost in thought.

  Pulling my shoulders back, I did a small stretch. That back pain from the stiffening sitting position, a pure torture for my tailbone by the way, was bugging me.

  I looked at myself in the mirror again. The drops of condensing water were dripping down.

  Acne. The bane of my existence.

  “Wait!” I thought, “ is that?” I brought my face closer to the mirror, “a WRINCLE!” There was a small line next to the left corner of my lips. “Yeez,” I ended up saying that one out loud. There was a massive, or at least it appeared so to me, wrinkle between my brows. The moment I saw that one I patted it with jojoba oil as I attempted to smooth it out with my fingers. At least it kinda worked for now.

  “Emotions are a drag,” I thought. It was due to all the frowning and occasional smile that those wrinkles came about. Growing old scared me. Sleep. Yes. Today, I was determined to sleep. At this point my youthful appearance might have been the only thing of value in me. I couldn’t afford to screw that up.

  "MARA. You aren't the only one here," my mom yelled. Right…I was in a rush, that completely slipped my mind.

  "Coming, coming." I splashed my face with water and hurriedly turned off the faucet. “Here goes nothing,” ready or not I wanted it to be over with. “Maybe it was for the best,” I attempted to comfort myself, forcing a smile as my eyes met with the grumpy expression on my mom’s face.

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  "Finally. What took you so long? It's already 12:45 am. Why aren't you sleeping," my mom nagged half concerned, half mad as she went into the bathroom.

  I breathed out in relief. She didn’t find out. It felt like a heavy stone just got lifted from my chest. It was easier to breathe now. For a short while, that was.

  The door clicked shut, leaving me in darkness. A sliver of moonlight guided my steps. I heard sounds of running water and electric toothbrush as I started walking forward following the moonlight trail towards my bed.

  My thoughts jumbled, I stretched my arm to pick up those headphones carelessly thrown by yours truly onto the desk. My phone was in my hands. I had it since the beginning. Perhaps this was the reason for my inability to shower.

  I didn’t want to think about any of this. Covering my ears, reaching my left arm towards my ear, I pushed that small button, connecting headphones via Bluetooth to my phone. And on it went.

  My eyes were closed and I dropped head first into the bed. I turned the music on. Forgetting about my body’s cry for sleep, forgetting about my worries, I was drowning in the melody.

  “Sink your bad thoughts to the bottom,” I whispered. My voice was muffled by the thick blanket under me. I turned over, quietly mouthing:

  “You set sail alone. There is no crew. No one on the deck who can help you.”

  Over dramatic, yeah…maybe I was being excessive. There was nothing special about my problems. I was just…dumb, lazy and incompetent, confused twenty three year old. My head was buzzing; I knew a dam of tears would break out from under my eyes if I didn’t suppress it. My shoulders tensed up, both my hands curled into fists. “I am fine. I am fine,” I kept repeating within my mind.

  My eyes were having trouble focusing again. Sleep. I needed to sleep. I knew I needed it. Sleep was the only thing that provided relief to this horrible pain in my chest. I just couldn’t fall asleep when I was supposed to. Staring at the reflected fragments of moonlight on the ceiling, I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe I can still fix everything by working at night.

  Preposterous, wishful thinking. This was all it was. My mind wasn’t completely delusional, I knew better, my past experience told me there was no way I would do any actual work. I was delaying the inevitable. Still the fact I had those couple extra hours taken from my sleep all for me to use as I pleased, calmed my mind.

  The thought that people who I was disappointing were sleeping, not that those people actually cared about me, made me feel a little bit better too. Sorry, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you as to why. I never questioned the rare moments my mind was worry free. Slowly, I was drifting into the peaceful world of dreams.

  My eyes widened. “What if they did care?” That one thought derailed my plans of peaceful night. That would have made this worse. That would have meant they believed in me. They thought I could change, improve, be better version of myself. And I disappointed them. I broke their trust in me with my own hands. The pain within my chest intensified. Guilt, anger, anxiety and a strong feeling of hate, self-hate, those emotions were eating at me. I wished it all just stopped. I wanted all of this to stop, to go away.

  The music wasn’t helping. Resembling a dagger slowly getting shoved into my chest, the dreadful pain persisted. My anxiety was rising. "WORTHLESS, WORTHLESS, WORthless, wort...ttthless" I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. My brain was killing me. In bout of anger, I pulled out the headphones from my head. The sound of croaking frogs in the background and feeling of soft, warm bed under me were lulling me to sleep. My grip on those headphones loosened.

  I closed my eyes. Tears were flowing. How did I not realize?

  “Aaah,” I yawned. “Only for a bit,” I told myself, “чучуть…haaah…” I was trying to fight it. Fading in and out of consciousness I thought, “…just for a sec…” I figured I would only close my eyes for a bit, giving me enough time to wake up and do that thing. Oh my was I naive.

  “Why?? Don't I do what I am supposed to?" was my last thought before my inevitable collapse into the world of dreams. There…there was no pain or worry, but that was only for a short while. Ultimately, I had to and would wake up and when I did, that pain would return again. I didn’t want to think about any of that. Before I could even realize I was fast asleep.

  *

  “Rise and shine, tsk!” My eyes were wide open. I was annoyed, if you couldn’t tell by that tongue click. Mornings were the worst! Not only did the pain return, but the regret filled mind just didn’t allow for rest.

  I should have worked through the night.

  Eyes closed, I was wiggling away from the light. I forgot to close those damn blinds again. I knew it was only me to blame. It was me that was the cause of all my misery. I had the chance to finally fix this. Yet now, now....maybe there was still a chance. Maybe just maybe. I had to try to fix this, right?

  "I just need to start now," my inner voice compelled me. My body was of different opinion. I lay there motionless in bed. It felt like I was paralyzed by everything I needed to do. There was just SO much I needed to do.

  If only, I just did that sooner. This would have been so much easier. This could have been enjoyable. Wasn't the thing I was trying to do something I always desired.

  Finally, I moved and caught a glimpse of sunshine coming from my window. It was a very pleasant early spring morning day. The window above my bed was just slightly opened, allowing the spring wind to carry some of that fresh air straight to my nose. It smelled refreshing. I loved that humid, woody smell.

  This could have been such a pleasant day. Why couldn’t I just start? Was I overwhelmed or perhaps I was afraid to realize how dumb I truly was? “Am I actually dumb?” my mind raced. Pulling my hair back, sitting on the edge of my bed, I stared upon the half moon window wall around my bed.

  I managed to wasted my time and miss out on sleep, AGAIN. Sigh! Yet again another day was left to waste, arching my back forward, I shifted my weight and pushed myself up onto my feet. I was facing the white door leading outside my room.

  I slept for at least three hours, certainly no more than five tho, based on that unfortunately familiar pain within my head. My body was begging for sleep. “Maybe I can call out today?” was one of my passing thoughts. I knew better, I overstretched my limit already.

  My head turned to the right. I took another deep breath in of air. Refreshing, slightly chilling. I pulled up the wooden panel to slide it upward, letting more air in. This side window, reaching the floor, provided a great view of the lake and mountain tops behind it. This very house I was in was on one of the mountains surrounding this lake. The view was to die for! To bad, I wasn’t happy for long.

  "I should have just worked through the night,” my mind complained. I could hear the cheerful sounds of birds chirping just outside my window. So peaceful. This day was so peaceful, unlike my mind. What was all this struggle even for? I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it…

  This was another one of those days. Those bad days which came uninvited and overstayed their welcome.

  Ahrrr. I didn’t care anymore. I was officially too sleep deprived to care or feel anything for that matter. Everything was a blur.

  There was one oddity I remembered clearly tho. A raven looking for something on the red tiles covering the roof beneath my room. It was probably my sleep deprived mind speaking, but there was something suspicious about that bird. That bird looked ordinary and technically it is normal for birds to walk on the room of my home, given that I lived on top of a mountain. However, there was something… I didn’t quite know. Just that…all that sneaking around and poking his beak everywhere, my gut feeling was telling me, that bird was trouble.

  "Perhaps, death is the easiest solution. After all, no person no problem and the pain will go away," I thought. Dumb. I knew that. A piece of shit like me didn’t have the right to die and run away this easily. I had to fix my mistakes.

  I had to at least try. There was still a chance at salvation. Right?

  "If I can start now..." I was standing, motionless, expressionless facing the window taller than me. I was leaning on the edge of the bed frame. In short, I was wasting my life.

  This internal monologue had to stop. I was wasting too much time. "I still need to go to work,” I groaned. I didn’t have the time to continue standing here like a ghost in that Victorian style nightgown. My facial expression rapidly turning sour. My brows furrowed.

  "I DON'T WANT TO!!!," I whined, that was a pure and honest cry of my soul. However, I still got ready to leave. Soulless, dejected I went through all those motions. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed into my scrubs, took what felt like an eternity to find my wallet, keys and phone, even so last the one was in my hands the ENTIRE time. It felt as though I was in some sort of trance, repeating:

  “Yessss. Just put on a smile. Be polite. Work. Just get through the day and as always nobody will notice anything."

  Strangely, even though I had such a huge disgust towards working, work actually made me feel better. I suppose sticking needles into people's arms can be surprisingly satisfying. No, it was probably the desire to be needed and useful that actually made me feel better. I was oddly good at my job, even so I just started doing this a week ago with zero prior experience. It had always been that way with everything. I always had the feeling that I could do and become anything as long as I tried. Yes, all I needed to do was TRY.

  So why couldn’t I just do the thing I wanted? Nothing but myself was stopping me!!!

  Of course I still didn't even start doing that thing that weighed on my mind. I looked at my phone, it was 7 pm. Once again, I was stuck in my room, paralyzed, unable to act and make the right decision. I knew what needed to be done. My mind was screaming at me. Desperate. My consciousness was desperate to kick me into action. "Why Can't I Just Fucking Do It???" That was probably the last strand of reason. "GOD, will this mind ever shut up?"

  “Creak,” the door opened. With a heavy sigh, grandma shuffled into the dimly lit room, her silhouette hunched over like a shadow in the fading light.

  In a stern voice she muttered," Mara, dinner is ready. I made your favorite…" the rest of that had never registered in my mind.

  "Yeah, yeah. I'll be there in a moment," I replied, mechanically, my voice devoid of any trace of the turmoil raging within me.

  “Ding!”