I really thought it’d be different-- death. We’re always told, from day one to the last day, that there’s something after. We’re told that we’ll feel great afterward. And movies always make it seem nice to pass on.

  But in reality?

  Death felt cold. I felt numb. You’d think there would be some kind of emotion, but no. Nothing. I looked up towards the entity sitting across from me in the small blue room.

  “Let’s skip the backstory. It’s not a pleasing one. All you need to know about me is that I died, and then I woke up here, in front of you.”

  The glowing humanoid brought a hand to its chin.

  “Tell me about it.”

  I looked around the room, to the shelves with books stacked atop them. How to Deal With Your Eternity and Death, and What Comes After were some of the titles that stuck out. In my hands, I held a pamphlet that I hadn’t put down since I’d opened my eyes in the comfortable room. There was a picture of my face, back when I was healthier. It listed my name, Aaron Kane, with the words “Also known as SchlongLord” underneath it.

  Heh. Ma probably knew I’d have insisted my username be used at my funeral. Both my grisly sense of humor as well as my pride fueled that decision. I’m glad she respected my wishes. A tear fell from the tip of my nose onto my hand, and I sniffled as I wiped my eyes off, before I looked back up to the glowing form of the entity across from me.

  “What? You want to know how I died? You some kind of heavenly therapist? Didn’t I tell you I’d rather skip the backstory? It wasn’t a heroic or sudden death, and it wasn’t pleasant. I did leave behind several people I love, after all, and I’m not feeling great about that. So can we move on?”

  The glowing figure waved its hand, leaning back into the comfortable chair. For some reason, the light it gave off was very comforting.

  “Sure,” it said. “We can move on.” The entity reached over to the wall and pulled a thin book off one of the shelves. It waved a hand, and the jukebox I hadn’t noticed before started playing some classical music.

  “I’d like to bring you to the afterlife, Aaron. I really would,” the entity began. “But unfortunately, we’ve been having fluctuating issues with the transfers, and right now the process can be quite hazardous to your mortal soul. So, we’ve postponed transferring souls onward.” A glowing hand passed the book to me, which I accepted numbly.

  “Now,” the figure of light continued. “For obvious reasons, we can’t just keep souls sitting around, so I’ve got this book here for you. It lists several options which you can decide between. We’ll place you into a new world-- reincarnated, if you will-- and you’ll be able to go from there, with whatever option you choose.”

  It gestured to the book, and I quietly examined it. The cover was a cartoony picture of an undead mage--a lich--crying while the glowing entity scolded it.

  Nine Alternatives to Passing On (for the Serious Inquirer), by Goddfried

  I raised an eyebrow, and looked at the sitting being of light, but didn’t say anything. Instead, I flipped the book over and gave the summary a read.

  Scared of dying? Don’t want to move along to the afterlife, but also don’t want to corrupt your soul by becoming some sort of undead creature? No worries! Here are nine alternatives that we here at ReInc. guarantee you’ll enjoy!

  Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

  A thrilling, yet informative compilation of the many ways one might enjoy living a new life. --Timmortal

  Five stars. I didn’t feel trapped into any options, and at the same time, felt like I knew what I was getting into with each one! --Deedeeity

  If you haven’t read this one yet, get to it already! --Mack, the Celestial

  I sighed, before flipping the book back to the front and cracking it open, reading the first page and shaking my head.

  So, you’re dead. And that puts a damper on the plans you had for your life. I get it. But listen! There’s still time for you to put those plans, or maybe even new ones, into action! You CAN live a fulfilling life. It all starts here.

  The entity patiently sat on the chair while I read through the pages of the thin books. Thankfully, most of the options had bullet points listing their pros and cons. At least there were pictures, too. The cartoonish lich acted out several scenarios. In one of them, he was pretending to reincarnate into a dinosaur, showing some of the pros of that life, but on the next page, he also showed some of the cons. Some of the options had respawns, but the dinosaur one was a one-lifer. If you died (and it was likely to be a gory and painful death, at that), then you were dead.

  Though I guess the pain wasn’t really very important anymore, since it was an indicator of death, and death didn’t seem all that bad. Hell, if I reincarnated enough, maybe I’d go through all nine options!

  A few of the other options intrigued me. There was one where you could enter a world that was basically a game, with levels and character creation and everything, and another where you could be born into a world with some crazy science fiction action going on. Though I imagined the science made sense there.

  I finally settled on an option I thought seemed interesting. The “Scourge” option, which had more cons than pros, but the pros were quite tantalizing. Another one-lifer, but I was planning to make that life a good one.

  The Scourge: a world dominated by humans, which rule with an iron fist. Packets of rebellion from the other races throughout the world are a regular occurrence, but they’re often quelled with great ease.

  However, in the past seventeen months, a new enemy has come to light, and brought with it a fierce vengeance upon the human race. Suddenly, the rebellions have vanished, and non-humans either turn to humanity for protection, or convert to members of the Scourge.

  In this option, you will be reincarnated with only a single life, but you will also be able to choose a “Weapon of Destiny” for yourself, which will help you fight for whichever side you choose. The fate of the world is literally in your hands.

  Beware, because though you wield great power in the outcome of the world’s future, you also place yourself at fantastic risk. Should one of the warring sides discover that you wield such a fearsome weapon, you will surely be targeted with a fearsome wrath. The risks are great, and your chances of survival are low.

  To me, this world was definitely the most compelling. Not only was the lore richer than what I’d read about any of the other worlds, but it seemed like I would actually be needed here, something I sorely desired after living my life in isolation because of my sickness.

  “Alright,” I said, snapping the book shut, and tossing it onto the coffee table between the entity and myself. “I’ll take option eight. The Scourge one.”

  If it could have raised eyebrows I imagined it would have. “Option eight? Interesting. I haven’t had a Natural Earther choose that one before. Very well, let’s talk about the details of it, shall we?”

  I nodded, and the entity continued, waving a hand towards a counter in the corner of the room. Pots began to move around and cups laid themselves out, waiting to have something poured into them.

  “So, for option eight,” the being of light continued, “You’ll be choosing a Weapon of Destiny! It can be anything you want, from a ring of shapechanging to a sword of divine light, as illustrated.” It tapped a finger to the page in the book with the cartoon lich wielding a shining golden sword and brandishing it towards a dark shadow with white eyes. “Just be aware that there are drawbacks to the weapons. Can’t drop you in with something that unbalanced, after all.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “I saw that and I already know what I want.”

  The glowing figure tilted its head.

  “Oh? And what’s that?”

  For the first time since I woke up in my eternal sleep, I smiled. My username had certainly become a part of me, and there was no way I was going to forsake the path I’d already chosen for myself countless times before.

  “Mega Schlong. And make it big.”