“Aaron Kane,” the glowing figure muttered as it entered some information into a tablet that had materialized on its lap. “You’ve chosen option eight, and for your Weapon of Destiny, you want…” I could almost feel the “over-the-glasses” look the entity was giving me before clearing his throat and carefully pronouncing, “Mega Schlong.”
I sipped the tea that had been poured out before the cups floated over to rest on the low table between the two of us. Setting the cup down, I pointed to the pamphlet and said, “Yes. See the name.”
I pictured the entity squinting as it leaned forward, a hand rubbing its glowing chin. “Yes… SchlongLord. Are you perhaps… rushing your decision?”
I scoffed. “What could be better suited for the man, the myth, than the legend that choice would be?”
The glowing humanoid leaned back, tapping on the tablet more as it asked, “Did you not read the details of option eight?”
“I did.”
“And you’re sure you wish to proceed into that world with… well, that?”
“I am.”
The being, whom I could only assume was Goddfried, sighed. I sipped some more tea and the teapot floated over to my cup and refilled it.
“Thanks?” I said, nodding to the magical kettle and shaking my head.
“You know,” Goddfried said. “If you wouldn’t mind waiting here for a moment, I want to check some legal documents.”
I gave him a look, scrunching my nose. “Legal documents in the afterlife? Do you guys really have no better way to operate?”
The entity didn’t respond, merely thumbing where I figured his nose was supposed to be, before walking over to the blank wall behind his chair and materializing a door for him to walk through.
For the next few minutes, I sat there, just drinking tea and browsing through the room. Goddfried clearly had assumed I’d stay seated because I found a couple of files stamped with a large red “CONFIDENTIAL” across them contained within a battered manilla folder.
“Really?” I chuckled. “First heaven has a legal system, and now they leave confidential files just sitting around in… whatever this room is?”
Naturally, I began reading the files. What was my curiosity going to do to me? Kill me?
A picture of my sickly face was paperclipped onto the file. I had my eyes closed, and my face was completely devoid of tension and pain, which meant either this was my death photo, or they’d chosen to grab a picture of me when I was asleep.
Heh. Whoever wrote this was right about what I’d say to sex.
It made me smile to read the notes this person left, though. Compliments, no matter how small, always touched my heart, despite what I showed on the outside.
There were a bunch more papers underneath the cover file, but my eyes fatigued quickly when I saw how much of the other file was blacked out. I grabbed the other folder. The contents weren’t about me, but instead, some guy named Leopold. I didn’t really understand the medical terms used in his death description and didn’t recognize his picture.
Weird name.
I looked through the drawers and cabinets after reading my information and found a bunch of office supplies, like a marker, which of course I used to doodle an explicit drawing on the back of my paper. As a prank on Goddfried, who’d left me here unsupervised, I taped Leopold’s file to the bottom of my chair, and wrote a note which I carefully taped to the front of the table, just out of where Goddfried would be able to see.
Leo,
Find a way to get the glowy dude to leave the room or at least turn around or something and then reach under the chair seat. You may be interested in the files these guys are keeping.
-Your Schlong-Lost Brother
Of course, that whole prank would be pointless if Goddfried could just materialize the file back in his hand, or if Leopold wasn’t even next in line after me. But hey, you can’t control what you can’t control, eh?
Not my fault you left a prankster alone with office supplies, Goddfried!
After rigging up a few more pranks that the deity would have to discover on his own time once I’d departed, I browsed through the bookshelves, intent on finding some way to kill the time. After reading a ton of those “helpful” after-death guidebook titles, I found a book labeled Scourge, hidden beneath some others in a stack in the corner of the room. Several other books were next to it, with titles like Monster, Ancient Construct or Resident, Evolution, and Classic Hero. There were nine in total.
Hmm, I wondered. Nine alternatives to passing on?
I idly considered that there were more than nine options, but since I had no evidence of it, and there was no reason to worry about it, I merely picked up the book entitled Scourge, and browsed through it.
I have no idea how long I was there, but eventually, the materialized door on the wall opened again and Goddfried came walking back into the room.
Yeah no bucket prank, sadly. Two reasons. The first: I didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout my actions wrought. Secondly, there was no bucket, and the tea set was floating, so that wasn’t going to work.
“I’m glad to see you found something to occupy your time,” the entity said approvingly. “I’ve done some reading, and I think I can make the whole ‘Mega Schlong’ thing you wanted work.”
My eyebrows rose and I smiled widely. “Really?”
“Yep! And, since I really didn’t think that your request was at all what we anticipated people asking for as a Weapon of Destiny, I verified that I can also give you a few special bonuses.”
I pumped my fist. “Nice! Like what?”
The god glanced over his shoulder before leaning forward and confiding, “You’ll have to find out for yourself.”
I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Typical.”
Goddfried made a motion that confused me at first, but then I realized was probably him rolling up his sleeves. He glanced at me and asked if I was ready. When I nodded, he shot two glowing finger guns at me.
“Remember, the most important thing about your Weapon of Destiny isn’t necessarily its potency. It’s how you use it.”
I chuckled at that.
And my world went white.
What Matters?
