Intern’s Log: I Am Drunk, and I Have Made a Bear
Date: [Who Cares – I’m Too Far Gone]
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I regret. Everything.)
Top of the world, Ma!
You wanted grandkids?!
WELL, HERE YOU GO.
Her name ish Goldie.
She ish the first of her kind.
An’ I…
I did the thing.
I made a goddamn bear.
Phase One: The Whiskey-Fueled Breakdown
Sssso lemme just lay it out real simple.
? Bandit stole bears.
? Bandit gave me bear DNA.
? Bandit gave me a lab.
? Bandit said, "Make a better bear."
An’ I was like,
"No, Bandit, that’s unethical."
An’ he was like,
"Okay, but I already started the process."
An’ I was like,
"Goddammit."
An’ then I did it.
Because of course I did.
Phase Two: Her Name is Goldie (Because I Am a Disaster)
Shhhh. Listen.
LISHEN.
I made a bear.
But not just any bear.
I made…
GOLDIE.
? First female uplifted bear.
? California Golden Bear genes.
? Bigger. Stronger. Smarter.
? Looks at me like she already knows my sins.
An’ you know what?
I dunno how I feel about that.
Becaushe…
She blinked at me.
She freakin’ blinked at me.
Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.
An’ I felt my soul leave my body.
Like she’sh already decided if I’m useful or not.
Phase Three: The Horrifying Realization
Soooooo lemme get thish straight.
? The bears already had a plan.
? The bears already wanted a civilization.
? The bears already don’t need humans.
? An’ now they have her.
Do you unnershtand what that means?
Thish ish not just a military force.
Thish ish not just an experiment.
Thish is a species.
An’ Goldie?
She ish the first.
The First Mother.
I shaid it.
There.
Itsh done.
Phase Four: I Am Too Drunk For This
Bandit came in to check on me.
An’ I yelled at him.
"YOU MADE ME GOD, YOU LITTLE TRASH PANDA."
An’ you know what he did?
HE TOOK A SIP OF MY WHISKEY AND TOASTED ME.
THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
Phase Five: The Only Thing Keeping Me Sane
Lishen.
Shhhh.
If the bearsh are a species now…
An’ if they want a future…
That meansh…
When the existential threat comes…
They are going to fight for it.
They are going to fight for HER.
An’ that means…
That meansh…
Maybe…
Maybe thish isn’t the worst thing.
Final Thoughtsh (I Need Water, and Maybe a Therapist)
? I made a bear.
? Her name is Goldie.
? She is the future of a species.
? I am too drunk to process what I have done.
? Bandit is still drinking my whiskey.
I don’t know what happens next.
But I do know thish—
The bears have a future.
An’ when the world ish ending?
They will fight for it.
End Log. (…Or whatever. Someone get me water.)
