Intern’s Log: I Am Sober (No, Really) and Now I Have to Make Bandit a Girlfriend

  Date: [God Help Me]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have made one impossible creature, and now I have to make another.)

  Alright.

  I’m sober.

  I’m fine.

  No, really.

  I drank water.

  I ate a sandwich.

  I sat in a dark room for an hour whispering “What have I done?”

  And now?

  Now I have fully processed the fact that I have successfully created the first female uplifted bear.

  And what does that mean for me?

  Am I being awarded a Nobel Prize?

  Am I being placed under government protection?

  Am I finally getting transferred away from this nightmare?

  No.

  It means I now have to MAKE BANDIT A GIRLFRIEND.

  Because of course I do.

  Because of course that’s where this was going.

  Because Bandit is a megalomaniacal raccoon who believes that if the bears get a future, he should get one too.

  And I?

  I regret everything.

  Phase One: Bandit’s Perfect Woman (Yes, This is Happening)

  I tried arguing.

  I tried explaining that maybe we should, I don’t know, FOCUS ON THE EXISTENTIAL THREAT COMING TO DESTROY THE PLANET.

  Bandit?

  Bandit did not care.

  "Reynolds," he said, sipping MY coffee like he owned the place, "the bears have their queen. And now, it’s time for the Procyon line to ascend."

  I blinked.

  "The what?"

  "The Procyon line. My dynasty. My future empire. You know, the logical next step in my reign."

  "Bandit, you are a raccoon."

  "A visionary raccoon."

  "You’re asking me to create the first genetically enhanced raccoon woman."

  "Yes."

  I dragged my hands down my face.

  "You do realize that, scientifically speaking, uplifted raccoons are probably a terrible idea?"

  Bandit just grinned.

  "I’ll take my chances."

  I hate my life.

  Phase Two: The Absolute Worst Science Project in History

  So now?

  Now I am sequencing the first-ever uplifted female raccoon.

  ? I have the genetic foundation.

  ? I have the means to enhance intelligence.

  ? I have literally zero ethical oversight anymore.

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  ? I have Bandit watching me like I’m painting the Mona Lisa.

  And do you know what he told me?

  Do you know what this smug, power-hungry, disaster of a trash panda told me?!

  "Make her smart. But not too smart, or she might challenge me for leadership."

  THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.

  Phase Three: The Worst Part is That It’s Working

  Here’s the thing.

  I thought, Surely, this will fail. Surely, we will hit some genetic roadblock.

  Nope.

  This is happening.

  The sequencing is stable.

  The uplift modifications are taking.

  And if this continues…

  We will soon have the first uplifted female raccoon.

  Which means…

  There is going to be a second Bandit.

  And I do not think the world is ready for that.

  Phase Four: The Terrifying Realization (This is a Power Play)

  Here’s what’s really bothering me.

  Bandit is not stupid.

  Bandit is not just doing this for companionship.

  Bandit is thinking ahead.

  ? The bears have a future now.

  ? They will grow, expand, and survive.

  ? Bandit sees that and knows that he needs a future too.

  ? And the only way to secure that?

  ? Make sure raccoons don’t get left behind.

  This isn’t just about him.

  This is about legacy.

  This is about power.

  Bandit is building something.

  And I am actively helping him do it.

  I have become a goddamn evolutionary engineer for a raccoon dictator.

  Phase Five: The Only Silver Lining (I Think?)

  Alright.

  Deep breath.

  Let’s be rational about this.

  This is happening.

  There is no stopping it.

  So, what’s the best-case scenario?

  ? Bandit gets his queen.

  ? The uplifted raccoons become a stable species.

  ? Like the bears, they will have a future.

  ? And when the real war comes…

  They will fight to protect it.

  Because Bandit may be a power-hungry lunatic…

  But he wants to win.

  And he knows survival means standing against the real enemy.

  So maybe—just maybe—this isn’t the worst thing I’ve done.

  (It’s still up there, though.)

  Final Thoughts (I Am So, So Tired)

  ? The first female uplifted bear exists.

  ? Now I have to make the first female uplifted raccoon.

  ? Bandit is already planning a dynasty.

  ? This is either the greatest evolutionary moment in history… or the worst mistake humanity has ever made.

  ? I am too exhausted to care anymore.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  The future is no longer just human.

  End Log.