Intern’s Log: When Interns Collide (Or, How I Was Abducted By an Alien Who Hates Me)

  Date: [?????]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have been kidnapped, and I am not handling it well.)

  So.

  I woke up somewhere very, very wrong.

  ? Not in my lab.

  ? Not in my bunk.

  ? Not even on Earth.

  I woke up in a sterile, glowing white room, strapped to a table, while a very angry alien hovered over me with something that looked suspiciously like a probing instrument.

  And do you know what I said?

  "Oh, come on."

  Phase One: The Alien Intern Has Lost His Patience

  The alien standing over me was not happy.

  ? Grayish skin, vaguely humanoid.

  ? Big, pissed-off black eyes.

  ? A lab coat (why does he have a lab coat?).

  ? And a very, very judgmental expression.

  "You," he hissed, jabbing a finger at me, "are the source of all of my problems."

  I blinked.

  "I don’t even know who you are."

  He took a deep breath, like he was holding back the urge to strangle me.

  "I am Trainee Observer Zil-Vatek 349, and I have been monitoring Earth for months."

  "Cool. Still don’t know you."

  "YOU." He jabbed at my chest again. "Are the reason I now have to report that humanity has CREATED TWO NEW SPECIES. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IRRESPONSIBLE THAT IS?"

  I shrugged.

  "Look, man. In my defense, the raccoon made me do it."

  Zil-Vatek looked like he was having a full existential crisis.

  Phase Two: The Argument That Should Not Have Happened

  "You uplifted the bears!" he yelled.

  "Technically, the Russians did that!"

  "And now YOU’VE GIVEN THEM FEMALES!"

  "That one’s on Bandit!"

  "AND THE RACCOONS?!"

  "Okay, yeah, that was me."

  He threw his hands in the air.

  "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?!"

  "Yeah. It means I need a drink."

  Phase Three: The Alien’s Actual Problem With Me

  Once he finally stopped yelling, he took a very deep, very long breath and rubbed his temples.

  "Reynolds," he said, in a very forced, very calm voice. "Do you understand why I am angry?"

  "Because I keep making new species and the universe isn’t ready for that?"

  "NO. I mean, YES, but NO."

  He leaned in close, his big, shiny alien eyes narrowing.

  "It’s because your species is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THIS."

  I blinked.

  "Excuse me?"

  "Do you KNOW how long it takes for most civilizations to get to your level of bioengineering?!"

  "Uh…"

  "MILLENNIA, REYNOLDS. THOUSANDS OF YEARS."

  "Okay, but hear me out—"

  "AND YOU?!" He slammed his hands down on the table. "YOUR PLANET JUST STARTED DOING THIS ON A WHIM! I WAS SENT TO MONITOR EARTH FOR EARLY INTERSTELLAR DEVELOPMENT, NOT INTERSPECIES CONQUEST!"

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  I winced.

  "Yeah, uh. Sorry?"

  He just stared at me.

  Phase Four: The Awful Realization We Both Had

  After a very long and very awkward silence, Zil-Vatek sighed and rubbed his temples.

  "Look." he muttered. "The reason I’m upset isn’t just because of what you’ve done."

  "Uh-huh."

  "It’s because you don’t realize what’s coming next."

  That got my attention.

  "Define 'coming next.'"

  "Reynolds." He looked very, very tired. "Do you know what happens to civilizations that start rapid, unchecked species uplift?"

  "…They get invited to intergalactic science fairs?"

  "No. They get noticed."

  I felt something cold settle in my stomach.

  "By who?"

  He grimaced.

  "By things that do not think of you as equals."

  Oh.

  Oh no.

  Phase Five: The Moment I Knew We Were Screwed

  "Alright," I said, very carefully. "So what you’re saying is… we’re about to have some very bad company?"

  "Yes."

  "How bad are we talking?"

  "Have you ever considered what a species that has been perfecting genetic manipulation for millions of years could do to you?"

  "Uh."

  "Because they are going to see what you’ve done, and they will not like it."

  I blinked.

  "So, let me get this straight."

  I held up a hand.

  "We made the Good Boys—highly intelligent, highly dangerous dog-soldiers."

  "Correct."

  "Then the Russians made the bears—hulking, unstoppable warrior-monks."

  "Also correct."

  "And now, we have the raccoons—genius-level thieves with a Napoleon complex."

  "Correct again."

  "And all of that together has put us on the radar of something worse."

  "Yes."

  I exhaled slowly.

  "Well. Shit."

  Phase Six: The Worst Deal I Have Ever Made

  Zil-Vatek took another deep breath.

  "Listen. You humans are insane. But you’re also stubborn. Which means you might actually survive this."

  "I’m sensing a ‘but.’"

  "But… you need help. And I am technically supposed to be observing, not intervening."

  "Technically?"

  "So here’s the deal." He leaned forward, glaring. "You help me understand how your species is doing this. And in return… I make sure you don’t die the second the wrong people find out."

  I stared at him.

  "So, basically… I give you all our secrets, and you keep me from being vaporized?"

  "Yes."

  I thought about it.

  I thought about Bandit, building a kingdom.

  I thought about Goldie, the first mother of a new species.

  I thought about Marlow, Dante, and Harper, out there doing god knows what.

  I thought about the bears, already preparing for a war no one else could see coming.

  Then I sighed, slumped back, and nodded.

  "Fine."

  Zil-Vatek grinned.

  "Excellent. Now hold still. I’m still probing you."

  Final Thoughts (I Hate Everything)

  ? I have been abducted by an alien intern.

  ? He is mad at me for accelerating human evolution too fast.

  ? He is also mad that we are about to attract intergalactic predators.

  ? I may or may not be working for him now.

  ? I am definitely getting probed.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  Earth is not ready for what’s coming.

  End Log.