Xenobiological Intern’s Log: I Am Going to Anal Probe This Human Like Nobody’s Business

  Date: [Utterly Unacceptable]

  Intern ID: Trainee Observer Zil-Vatek 349 (This is beyond ridiculous.)

  I have remained quiet for too long.

  I have observed.

  I have recorded.

  I have sent my reports.

  And yet, despite all of my warnings, the humans have now created TWO NEW INTELLIGENT SPECIES IN AS MANY MONTHS.

  This is no longer scientific observation.

  This is reckless, uncontrolled, borderline cosmic vandalism.

  And I?

  I am going to find this “Reynolds” human and probe him like nobody’s business.

  Phase One: My Superiors No Longer Think This is "Suboptimal"—They Think It's a Crisis

  ? First, they uplifted the bears.

  ? Then, they ensured the bears could reproduce.

  ? Now, they have created a second uplifted species—sentient raccoons.

  ? And not just any raccoons. A breeding pair.

  ? The male is already building an empire.

  ? The female has three tails for unknown reasons.

  My superior’s response?

  "Zil-Vatek, this is no longer acceptable. Assess containment options."

  Oh. Oh, so NOW we care?!

  When I first reported on the rogue dog-soldiers, I was told:

  "Observe, but do not interfere."

  Then I reported on the bears forming a nation.

  "Monitor for further developments."

  Now?

  Now I report on a self-declared raccoon monarch and his multi-tailed queen, and suddenly it’s:

  "Containment may be necessary."

  No. No, this is what happens when you ignore me for months.

  Now I am emotionally compromised and deeply petty.

  Phase Two: The Tails Are a Problem (And I Hate That I Have to Think About This)

  This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

  Three tails.

  THREE.

  Why?

  WHY?!

  ? There is no biological reason for this.

  ? There is no scientific reason for this.

  ? There is, however, a cosmic horror reason for this.

  I have seen species manifest “extra” traits when touched by anomalous forces.

  The humans have a term for this.

  They call them “cryptids.”

  What if…

  What if this is not an enhancement?

  What if this is an inheritance?

  What if something else has already touched this experiment?

  I do not like that thought.

  I do not like this planet.

  I do not like any of this.

  Phase Three: Reynolds, You Have Some Explaining to Do

  This all tracks back to one human.

  ? He was there for the Good Boys.

  ? He was there when the bears took over.

  ? He was there when the first female bear was created.

  ? He was there when the first female raccoon was created.

  And now I must investigate him.

  And by investigate, I mean abduct.

  And by abduct, I mean anal probe.

  Because I need to know WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS HUMAN.

  Phase Four: The Next Steps (That My Superiors Will Regret Approving)

  ? Locate Reynolds.

  ? Acquire Reynolds.

  ? Perform extensive biological scans (WITH PROBES).

  ? Determine if he is the catalyst for this madness.

  ? Return him before his raccoon overlord notices he’s missing.

  If he is responsible for this chaos, then containment may not be an option.

  We may need to consider…

  Permanent intervention.

  Because if humanity is going to continue creating new dominant species at this rate…

  Then the galactic community needs to step in before Earth turns into a rogue civilization-building factory.

  I will not sit idly by while this planet mass-produces entire new races.

  I will not be ignored again.

  I will find Reynolds.

  And I will probe him.

  Thoroughly.

  End Log.