Intern’s Log: Bandit Wants to Introduce My Mom to Her ‘Granddaughters’ – Vicky and This ‘Nice Girl’ Will Be There Too

  Date: [I Need a Vacation]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have officially lost control of my life.)

  I was already dealing with too much.

  ? I was abducted by an alien.

  ? I got probed by an alien.

  ? I convinced the alien to drink Earth beer.

  ? My mother now thinks she has grandkids.

  ? My mother is very excited about these ‘grandkids.’

  ? My mother is also trying to set me up with some ‘nice girl.’

  And just when I thought things couldn’t get worse—

  Bandit looked at me, took a sip of MY coffee, and said:

  "Well. I suppose we should go visit your mother then."

  I blinked.

  "What."

  "Your mother wants to meet her granddaughters. It would be rude not to introduce them properly."

  "BANDIT, THEY’RE NOT—"

  He grinned.

  "Road trip!" he said excitedly as he ran out of the lab.

  I hate my life.

  Phase One: The Worst Possible Road Trip Crew

  I should have fought harder.

  I should have locked myself in my quarters.

  I should have stolen a military jet and left the country.

  But no.

  Now I am on my way to my mother’s house with the worst possible group of people.

  ? Bandit, who is treating this like a diplomatic event.

  ? Goldie, the first uplifted female bear, who looks mildly amused by my suffering.

  ? Vicky, Bandit’s three-tailed British-accented raccoon queen, who is far too eager to meet my mother.

  ? And this mysterious ‘nice girl’ my mother has been trying to set me up with.

  This is not a visit.

  This is an ambush.

  And I?

  I am the prey.

  Phase Two: The Ride to My Doom

  I drove from the airport.

  Because there was no way in hell I was letting Bandit drive.

  Goldie sat in the back, watching the scenery like this was a National Geographic special.

  Vicky sat primly in the passenger seat, adjusting her jacket like she was about to meet foreign royalty.

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  And Bandit?

  Bandit had my mother on speakerphone.

  Because of course he did.

  "Oh, I can’t wait to meet you all!" Mom was saying, clearly thrilled.

  "And I’m so excited to meet this nice girl too! You’ll love her, Reynolds!"

  Vicky smirked.

  "Oh, I’m sure we’ll all get along brilliantly." she said, British as hell.

  I gripped the steering wheel tighter.

  Goldie leaned forward.

  "Reynolds, why are you sweating?"

  "I AM FINE."

  Phase Three: The Arrival – My Mom Meets Her ‘Grandkids’

  We pulled into my mother’s driveway.

  She was already outside, waiting.

  Waving.

  Smiling.

  I did not want to get out of the car.

  But I did.

  Because if I didn’t, Bandit would drag me out.

  Mom immediately zeroed in on Goldie.

  "Oh, my goodness! Look at you! You are so big!"

  Goldie tilted her head.

  "Yes. That is accurate."

  My mother beamed.

  Then she turned to Vicky.

  "And you must be Reynolds’ other girl!"

  Vicky smirked.

  "Oh, we go way back, don’t we, Reynolds?"

  I wanted to die.

  Phase Four: My Mom Loves Them, and I Am in Hell

  We were ushered inside.

  My mother fed everyone.

  Goldie ate like a dignified ambassador.

  Vicky ate like she had lived in high society her whole life.

  Bandit ate like a raccoon.

  And the whole time, my mother was absolutely delighted.

  "I am so happy you all convinced Reynolds to finally come visit!"

  Vicky smiled sweetly.

  "Oh, it wasn’t hard."

  Goldie nodded.

  "We simply insisted."

  I drank my beer and said nothing.

  Because there was nothing to say.

  Phase Five: The Nice Girl Arrives – The Final Blow

  And then.

  She arrived.

  The ‘nice girl’ my mother had been trying to set me up with.

  And the moment she walked in?

  Vicky immediately sized her up.

  Goldie tilted her head, curious.

  Bandit grinned like he was watching a chess game unfold.

  And I?

  I was already preparing for death.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Not Surviving This Evening)

  ? I have brought a warlord raccoon, an uplifted bear queen, and a three-tailed raccoon aristocrat into my mother’s home.

  ? My mother loves them.

  ? Vicky is absolutely plotting something.

  ? The ‘nice girl’ has entered the battlefield.

  ? I do not know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  I am never living this down.

  End Log.