Intern’s Log: Her Name is Evelyn, and We’re in Madagascar Because of Lemurs
Date: [I Give Up]
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (This was supposed to be my vacation. Now I’m studying hyper-intelligent lemurs.)
Alright.
? Her name is Evelyn.
? She is the nice girl my mother tried to set me up with.
? She is way too smart to be here by accident.
? And I am definitely developing feelings, which is very bad for my mental health.
And the reason we’re in Madagascar?
Lemurs.
Because apparently, we haven’t created enough chaos.
And Bandit thinks lemurs are next.
Phase One: “Why Lemurs?” – A Question I Regret Asking
So after spending several days getting to know Evelyn, I finally asked:
"So… why Madagascar?"
She smirked.
"You really don’t know?"
"No."
"Reynolds," she said patiently, like I was slow, "the lemurs."
I blinked.
"What about the lemurs?"
Bandit popped up behind me, grinning.
"I’m so glad you asked!"
I immediately regretted everything.
Phase Two: The Lemur Situation (Oh No, We’re Doing This Again)
Bandit, now fully in his element, launched into a full presentation on Why Lemurs Are the Next Logical Step in the Uplift Project.
? Highly social, already capable of problem-solving.
? Fast learners, excellent climbers, built for adaptability.
? Genetically distinct from other primates, meaning nobody will see them coming.
? Madagascar is already isolated, making it a perfect control environment.
? They have hands. (Bandit was very excited about this.)
I stared at Evelyn.
"You agree with this?"
She shrugged.
"I think it’s fascinating."
I am surrounded by mad scientists.
Phase Three: The Moment I Knew It Was Already Happening
I turned to Goldie.
"Goldie, please tell me you’re not involved in this."
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She tilted her head.
"Involved? No."
"Thank god."
"Observing? Yes."
I groaned.
"For what reason?"
She gestured toward the trees.
I followed her gaze.
And that’s when I saw it.
High above us.
Perched on a branch.
A lemur.
Wearing a small, custom-made tactical vest.
Holding a tiny tool.
And watching us.
Oh.
Oh no.
Phase Four: The Uplift Project Has Already Started
I turned to Bandit.
"Tell me you didn’t."
Bandit held up his hands.
"I may have done some early testing."
"BANDIT."
"Look, look, I learned from the bears! I started small this time!"
"You put a lemur in a tactical vest!"
"And he loves it!"
At that moment, the lemur expertly dismantled a piece of fruit with a tool he absolutely should not know how to use.
I felt my soul leave my body.
Phase Five: Evelyn Is Way Too Into This
I looked at Evelyn.
She was watching with scientific fascination.
"You’re… not concerned about this?" I asked.
She grinned.
"Oh, I think this is brilliant."
I dragged a hand down my face.
"Of course you do."
"Reynolds," she said seriously, "if lemurs can develop tool use and problem-solving at an accelerated rate, they could become a self-sufficient arboreal species in just a few generations."
I stared.
"Do you hear yourself right now?"
"Yes."
"And you’re fine with this?"
"Absolutely."
I am in love with a madwoman.
Phase Six: I Give Up, Let’s Uplift the Lemurs
Fine.
Fine.
FINE.
Let’s just do it.
? The bears are already their own civilization.
? The raccoons have a monarchy.
? The Good Boys are still out there.
? Now we’re adding lemurs to the equation.
At this point?
Why not?
Bandit clapped me on the back.
"That’s the spirit, Reynolds!"
Goldie nodded approvingly.
Evelyn leaned in, smirking.
"I knew you’d come around."
I hate them all.
Final Thoughts (I Am Now a Lemur Overlord, Apparently)
? Bandit has been uplifting lemurs behind my back.
? They are already showing intelligence.
? Evelyn thinks this is a fantastic development.
? I have lost control of my life.
I don’t know what happens next.
But I do know this—
The lemurs are watching.
And that terrifies me.
End Log.
