Lawg, Duffy and Marley all peered down at something, like a football huddle of silent speculation as the camera looked directly up from the object's perspective, assuming the object has a perspective. Best to not speculate on such things.

  "I bet it's a sex toy." Lawg nodded.

  "Dude, again with the sex. It could be literally anything." Marley sighed.

  "Looks like an angle-grinder." Duffy guessed.

  "You don’t know what kind of kinky stuff they are into." Lawg said looking preachy. "I don’t judge."

  "OR…it’s a tool for any of the hundred repairs needed on a starship." Duffy suggested. "Like grinding metal."

  "My money is on sex toy." Lawg said confidently.

  "I dunno. I'm not seeing it." Marley pondered, rubbing his furry chin. "I'm guessing a weapon of some kind. Greg doesn’t seem like the sex-toy type, he does seem like the guy who leaves killing devices on the floor of his room." he said.

  "What's up?" Greg asked, strolling into his room.

  "Heard a noise, just checking it out." Marley bluffed.

  "Probably just creaking pipes." Greg said stomping up and grabbing the massive mechanical device. He whistled nonchalantly and walked to the mirror where the prison cell's sink was. He turned it on and the wheel spun violently. Greg yawned a ridiculously terrifying yawn, dislocating his jaw and extending it slightly like some kind of biomechanical werewolf. He began running the grinding wheel on his face as sparks flew off.

  "Okay, nobody has personal grooming device, so we all get our money back." Marley nodded.

  "Bullshit." argued Duffy. "That's totally an angle grinder; he's just grinding his face with it."

  "Nope. personal grooming device. Everyone loses." agreed Lawg.

  "Hey Greg…" she yelled over the motor.

  "Yea?" he asked, turning it off.

  "That an angle grinder?" she asked.

  "More or less." he nodded.

  "Awe frig." Lawg sighed, handing her a wad of singles.

  "That could also be used as a weapon." Marley insisted.

  "It could also be used as a sex toy…probably." Lawg defended.

  "Yea but he's not murdering anyone or whatever horrible things you are implying either… he's using it to grind…stubble." she finished, accepting the cash. The motor whined down and stopped. She flipped through her winnings as the old wheel was tossed aside and he screwed a new one on. Halfway to a well-groomed beard, perfect for video.

  Greg's fleshly trimmed and edged beard-face abruptly swooped in front of the webcam, as the video rolled.

  "Welcome back pickle-ticklers and Nug-Jugglers. Santa-Greg here with another delicious treat bout to turn your taste buds into shrapnel." he said "On this exciting episode of Cooking with Greg."

  "And I'm Marley, I'm here too!" he said poking his face up to the camera.

  "Today's recipe if for the cold nights when you wanna get more than your apple pies baked. You like eggnog? Of course you do, but don’t you hate that every time you drink eggnog you don’t get high? Well do we have a fun recipe for you…tell them Marmalade." Greg said, backing up.

  "Yea. That's right…people. We got eggnog, and we're putting weed in there. Gonna be nice." he said nervously unenthusiastic.

  "You gotta sell it. Make them feel like this is the best thing ever by how frigging pumped you are just talking about it. Insult them a little, but make it playful so they don’t think you're serious. Then throw in some slang for the kids and some creative profanity."

  "Man, I'm just not good at this. I'm just here because I brought the chocolate edibles and I wanna see how this turns out." Marley whispered.

  "You heard him swizzle-dicks, Cannabis-powered eggnog for your after-school party or your holiday sleepover." Greg said, almost yelling. "They're gonna rock your face-hole off!"

  "No, no their not." Izzy interrupted. Marley ears drooped.

  "But…we're making Nug-nog." he sighed, pouting slightly.

  "Firstly, OMG, kids watch this." Izzy sighed. Greg scoffed.

  "Obviously, that's why we keep the instructions simple and tell them to have adult supervision around fire and knives."

  "Okay, we'll discuss this later but the main point is we need everyone in the cargo bay because we have a guest." Izzy smiled politely.

  "Awe, man. Guests usually blow. Why can't we just have no guests and make nug-nog." Marley said, kicking the air.

  "Ugh, I'm already offended by the way that sounds, let alone what's in it." Izzy gagged.

  "I think it's just blended up hash edibles and eggnog." Marley shrugged.

  Greg impatiently stood waiting, and Marley yawned as he pulled up a chair.

  "Alright everyone." Izzy said. "We have a guest that most of you already know and since morale is down I told her she could visit and help us on our next cargo run. Greg, you haven't met her, don’t say anything about her looks, just be nice."

  "I'm always nice." he said.

  "Not Greg-nice, like the kind of nice you are when you're trying to get laid, where you actually seem like a gentleman for a short time. Do that, but with her, and obviously not for the reasons you do that with me. Just be nice." She snipped.

  "Man she is really holds that against you." Marley whispered.

  "If she was holding that against me…I wouldn’t need to beg for it." he said offering a fist bump. Marley bumped.

  "When did you become dude-bros?" Lawg asked.

  "When you were drowning and ruining the ship." Marley yawned.

  "Anyway, this little lady is really excited to see one of you in particular." Izzy hinted. Marley's ears perked up.

  "…Panda." he whispered ominously, smiling enthusiastically. The door opened and there was a rather smiley Green chick with open arms.

  "TINY DELMARIAN!" she yelled.

  "NO!" Marley yelled, jumping up and running away as Menace darted for him, like she wanted a hug.

  "That was interesting." Greg yawned, slowly strolling to the kitchen. He strutted to the den with a couple of frothy mugs. Menace was watching "top ten space-race crashes" and crunching some plastic spoons, holding Marley like a stuffed animal and petting him.

  "Please help me." Marley said with a defeated tone as Greg approached.

  "Brought you some nug-nog." he said passing it over.

  "Why is it so brown?" he asked. Greg immediately swapped mugs and handed him the one that actually looked like eggnog.

  "Sorry, that one's mine." he apologized

  "Not even eggnog is it?" Mar asked.

  "It's definitely topped with eggnog. The rest is Marker's Choice and a twist of butane. I call it an Irish breakup." He said taking a sip and blowing a little puff of yellow flame. Menace squealed and clapped excitedly. Marley jumped for it and she caught him, dragging him back and giving him a light playful noogie before returning to her program.

  "Crap." he muttered.

  "Cant get away there?" Greg asked.

  "I keep trying but she always snags me. I just don’t think I'm gonna try anymore. Sometimes she bites my ear."

  "Does she realize you are a sentient being or does she just think you're a puppy or something?

  "It's hard to say. She's supposed to be an intelligent species and she passed the training exams, so she understands what a Delmarian is…she seems to struggle with English though. None of us speak fish, so it's difficult. Anyway this is Menace, she was our pilot and security on the Taste-E-Nightmare for a while, until she joined a parade and refused to come back that one time. Guess she's back now…yay."

  "She doesn’t seem like very clear choice for a tactical anything." Greg pondered.

  "You'd be surprised." he said clearing his throat. "Menace." he said pointing at Greg "Danger!" he shouted. She immediately climbed the couch cushion and jumped like a cat into Greg's face, letting out a horrifying high-pitch scream and clawing frantically, her sharp needley teeth dripping with grey goo as she clawed for the face. Greg held her at arm's length, waiting for her to get tired of that insanely fast-burn burst of attack.

  "Make it stop, this annoys me." He casually suggested.

  "Menace…just a joke, no danger. He's a friend." he said. She turned and smiled in a horrifyingly cute manner. She reached out and lightly poked Greg on the nose, swinging herself backwards and out of Greg's grip to scuttle back to the couch.

  "Okay." Greg corrected. "I gotta admit I kinda like her." he added as Izzy approached from the kitchen.

  "Greg don’t make problems." she said scooting past with a sandwich plate for the guest. "Got you some snacks, sweetie."

  "I kinda want to keep her." he said.

  "No, Greg. don’t even think about it. That's disgusting."

  "Wow, I meant as a pet. You are paranoid and filthy minded."

  "I just know you're filthy minded." she said handing Menace the plate.

  "Obviously, but not in every possible manner with everyone, usually just you. You should be flattered that the majority of my obscene thoughts are Izzy-centric. Plus, what if I did show interest in someone else, maybe not a fishchick, but someone in general? I don’t remember us being an exclusive item…are you saying you consider us an item?" he asked. She froze. Marley and Menace both looked back on the edge of their seats.

  "I didn’t say that." she stalled.

  "Because even if I did flirt with another woman, that's only breaking the rules if there were rules in the first place. Some chick you bang sometimes isn't the kinda person who gets to make rules, that seems more like girlfriend territory. Marley, doesn’t that sound like the case: in order to have a monogamous relationship that you need to be in a relationship first?" he asked. Marley nodded, Menace nodded as well to be part of the group. Maybe she understood. Nobody knows. Not even Menace.

  "Well…" Izzy started, looking like she had a counter point to fit her attitude, as she froze open-mouthed and silent. "The thing is…" she stalled. "I mean go ahead and flirt, not a lot of options, see if I care."

  "ICE CUBES!" Menace replied, crunching down a spoon.

  "See?" Izzy finished.

  "Oh wow, this is really bothering you and I wasn’t even remotely flirting with the green froggy-girl. That's irrational jealousy." He smiled, now entertained.

  "Jealous?" she scoffed, taking a pose and lowering her hands as if to present herself like a prize.

  "Yea, I've seen that argument before, unwrapped. So if you know how good you look, why does imaginary competition threaten you?" Greg pondered.

  "It doesn’t, do what you want." she said storming off as Menace sniffed the cucumber sandwiches and peeled one open, inspecting it inquisitively."

  "I think I'll just have a snack. You know what sounds good right now? Cold shoulder." he yelled to piss her off. He chuckled and turned back to see Menace dig around in her pocket and produce an actual frog, either freshly dead or partially alive. She smiled in a cheerfully creepy way with her buggy black eyes and grey teeth.

  "Inside joke. Not hungry. All yours." he muttered. She made a strange purr and popped it in her mouth, chewing happily as she bobbed side to side and picked the one tiny piece of ham from the cucumber sandwich and tossed the rest aside, adding the ham to the frog tar-tar.

  "Good talk." Greg muttered, walking away. "Glad we got this new pilot who's in no way unstable and random, to help us navigate this dangerous cargo haul." he muttered.

  The crew stood around looking at the hologram Marley had sketched up, as silence filled the cargo bay.

  "This is just asinine." Izzy said with little faith in anything anymore.

  "I think it's kinda great. I just don’t know about the name Greg-launcher." Smiled Greg.

  "GREGLAUNCHER!" yelled Menace, excited as usual.

  "It's just so…stupid." Izzy said trying to open her mind to the concept.

  "It's pretty logical actually." Marley explained. "We have no guns on this floating trash can, the power grid wont handle energy weapons, printers are too small to make any real significant weaponry, weapons are expensive, and so what do we have if we run into anything hostile while delivering the goods?"

  "Greg." answered Duffy.

  "Right… Greg. We have a living weapon that can survive in space and tear through most ships like tinfoil, even the ones that aren't made of actual tinfoil like ours. The problem is getting him aboard an enemy ship to do the damage. Luckily we do have a pretty basic secondary trash disposal, which is essentially a tube that poots the garbage into space with enough force to clear the exhaust. We never use the forward disposal because why would we shoot our trash ahead of the ship and run into it? It's a really dumb design, but with a little modification we could ramp the pressure up and make a Greg-launcher." he explained.

  "GREGLAUNCHER!!" yelled Menace again.

  "She's gonna do that every time we say that phrase, isn't she?" asked a stressed out Izzy.

  "Probably…Greg Launcher." Marley said.

  "GREGLAUNCHER!!" Menace yelled.

  "Yep, looks like it." Marley shrugged.

  "We ARE cleaning that thing extremely well first, and by WE I mean someone that isn't me." Greg informed. "I'm already the ammo, ammo doesn’t have to clean its own gun."

  "That is technically correct. Anyway let's get to it. We need this thing working before we make this cargo run. It's just way too dangerous to go into Twick Territory without something, and despite space being absolutely huge, we always run into the Captain Rage, and the stupid Bloodstorm." Marley yawned.

  "Okay, back that up a second. Twick Territory." Greg said. "So a ship full of them would be a pack of…?" he asked.

  "Yep." Marley nodded.

  "We're not even gonna talk about that?" Greg asked.

  "Nope, nothing to talk about really, they are an aggressive lizard species with ridiculously over-compensating ship names. They're dumb, but heavily armored."

  "So you want me to crunch some Twick?" Greg said with a snicker, looking around for a few bites from the crew. "Nobody else hears that?" Greg asked.

  "I'm aware, I just choose to ignore it." Izzy sighed. Everyone else looked at him like he was from Mars or something.

  "Alright, fine. Let's go. Anyone know what's in the barrels we're hauling?" Greg asked.

  "Lothian Caramel. Most expensive Caramel in the Universe, or at least the Milky Way Galaxy. "Duffy answered. Greg tossed his hands up and did a frustrated spin to face his trailer and dramatically walked off.

  "Man, he's really salty about that caramel." Lawg snickered. "That guy's about half nuts if he thinks he's ruining our big payday. This is a king-sized payday with all this caramel on board. I hope he's not gonna be bitter this whole 2 week trip."

  "SCISSORS ARE FUN!" yelled Menace giving a thumb's up.

  The webcam clicked on to reveal a green blurr. The green blurr panned back just enough to see that it was actually a green nose. Menace licked the webcam, just as a Greg's hand yanked the laptop away and sat it higher than she could reach.

  "Evening, sluts and scallywags! It's ya boi Greg here with another fantastic product."

  "CALMARI!" yelled Menace.

  "Wrong!" he smiled sarcastically. Her look faded to a sad disappointment.

  "It's called cooking with Greg and it's gonna knock your ass off and then your socks." he said enthusiastically.

  "Is there a reason you have to start the into in that manner?" Izzy sighed.

  "The internet has expectations. If I don’t fulfill them, it could be the end of all entertainment as we know it. Think of the children." Greg said to Izzy, patting Menace on the head as she sat on the counter and watched.

  "Just cook." she sighed.

  "This is my can-opener, Menace." he said tilting the camera as she waved and gnawed on a tuna can. "And this is my Sous-Chef, the arguably lovely Izleena Del-Taco Sanchez."

  "I have 4 names, you got one of them right. Even missed the last name that's ironically the same as yours. Good job there Gorton Rammrod." Izzy shook her head.

  "For today's wonderful culinary treat you can make at home without your parent's permission, we're roasting an entire dead cow." Greg announced.

  "TACO!" cheered Menace.

  "No we're not." Izzy corrected. Menace gasped, then looked shocked and befuddled.

  "Roasting an entire… this piece of steak." he said flopping down a fairly sizeable hunk of beef. "And since it's probably some holiday on some planet out there, we're gonna do a 15 hour natural smoking, using Lawg's hardwood decking and this piece of air duct I found in the cargo bay." Izzy's eyes got immediately large.

  "What the hell? Why even mention that if you know I won't let you?" She scolded.

  "Because it got your attention and this video is gonna suck serious meatballs because you have restricted me from using anything fun. No fire, no weaponry, no drugs. The only thing I have left right now is the personal satisfaction in knowing I can still piss you off." he said

  "I thought we were over you trying to annoy me on this show?"

  "It does not appear that way now does it? I considered it, but then you started critiquing my cooking like old Izzy did, and giving me rules and restrictions like old Izzy did, so I'm annoying you till your eye twitches, like old Izzy's did."

  "You make it very difficult to like you." she sighed. He leaned towards the webcam awkwardly close to whisper.

  "She does like one specific part of me, but don’t tell anyone."

  "Toast!" whispered Menace.

  "And speaking of oversized steaks…" he said grabbing a pan. "For the steak seasoning, I'm told I won't be seasoning the steak myself because everyone is sharing this food. This here is our very special guest, Dufflyn Mc…forgot the joke I was making…Ireland, something, something, potatoes and beer." he said.

  "Very original." said Duffy, stepping in with some seasoning. For this steak that we are all unfortunately sharing today, I'll be supervising the spices. We start with-Greg what are you adding?" she asked.

  "Just taste it." he insisted, holding a spoon at her face.

  "Greg, I'm not eating that." Duffy objected "I don’t know what it is, but your food is usually really bad and you sometimes eat people, so I'm not grf-" she said as Greg quickly poked a small piece of bread into her open mouth with some of the paste on it. She spat it out on instinct and then paused awkwardly, looking very uncomfortable.

  "So?" he asked.

  "I'm really troubled that I like this, and I don’t know what it is. Don’t you dare tell me what that was, just tell me if it's toxic." Duffy froze.

  "It's absolutely harmless. It's something one of my ex wives made all the time. It's called Troll-Butter and it it's amazing. It can have a slightly disorienting effect in large doses but you have to eat scoops of this and I only have one jar." he assured as Menace looked guilty, licking her fingers and placing down the remaining half a jar.

  "Is it actually butter?" Duffy asked. "Does it contain butter, or even dairy?"

  "Um…no, not at all." he admitted.

  "Greg, please don’t ever tell me what is in this spread." she said finishing the bread and pretending to have not tried it.

  "Oh you really don’t want to know. Humans find it…troubling." he said with a hesitant thought. Lawg strolled in with a yawn and grabbed a piece of bread, tossing it in the toaster and opening a morning daiquiri-in-a-tube.

  "What's with the goop?" he asked. Greg shrugged and buttered a piece of bread to eat.

  "Is that peanut butter?" he asked

  "Troll Butter." he corrected.

  "Is it just ground up trolls? Are trolls even a thing?" he asked.

  "It's just a name. Back in ancient times, Osirians got labeled a lot, big tall monstrous things with the tusks." he said displaying his lower canines. Ex wife who had exceptionally tusky-lower canines, made it. It kinda looks like butter and it's made by a troll…troll butter."

  "So what's in it?" he asked, nervously approaching it with his toast.

  "Don’t worry about that part." Greg dodged.

  "Smells…kinda great." Lawg said dipping a corner and his eyes got big with surprise. "Oh wow, this is insane. We need this on everything all the time. Do we have cookie dough on the ship?" he said as Greg pulled back the jar. Marley walked in, rolling his eyes at the gaggle of dumbasses blocking the fridge.

  "Can I just get some coffee and my salad?" he asked.

  "Try this." Lawg said enthusiastically, shoving a piece of toast with a dot of it at Marley. Marley gave it a light sniff.

  "What am I -HHaaaauuughhh." he violently wretched aloud as he scrambled for the trash can. "Oh screw you all." he heaved, thinking he was being pranked. Greg didn’t look shocked.

  "Oh yea, like 1 in every 7 species finds it absolutely revolting, otherwise it's universally irresistible. That was bound to happen." Greg muttered with a mouthful of bread.

  "What the hell is that?" Marley said, sipping some water and looking revolted.

  "Troll Butter." Said Lawg

  "Nope, not another word. I'm grossed-out enough about butter in general, even without that death-smell." he said almost heaving again.

  "Apparently it's not remotely made of butter." Lawg said trying to snag the jar as Greg slid it back out of his reach.

  "What, do they just scoop it right out of the troll's ass or something?" Marley said chugging some citrus soda to kill the smell with bubbles and lemon.

  "It's metaphorical." said Lawg.

  "It's something made of dead animals though, I'm sure of it." Marley wheezed. Greg pondered the technicality.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  "Where do you draw the line on your definition of dead?" he asked.

  "I don’t care, I want more." Duffy insisted.

  "No." Greg said, pocketing the jar. "It's very expensive and hard to replicate with the printer. It's also potentially addictive and I don’t wanna share anymore. Y'all made fun of my cooking, so no goodies for you. My butter."

  "Oh thank balls!" Marley said stomping out of the kitchen with his soda, as angrily as soft padded feet can stomp away.

  "You know what it is, right?" Duffy asked Izzy, who was finishing her toast and licking her fingers.

  "Of course." she shrugged.

  "What's it actually made of?" she asked. Izzy blinked with a fake smile.

  "So I'm going to let you finish up with Greg, just don’t let him burn the food. I have to fix a …venting… wires." Izzy smiled suspiciously as she put her plate in the sink and scuttled off.

  "None of us will ever know what we just ate, will we?" asked Lawg.

  "Not ever. So to go with the steak we have something resembling a potato, I think cheese and chives would suit it fairly well." he said moving on as if nothing ever happened. Suddenly the ship shuttered and alarms went off. Greg's steak flopped over and landed on the floor, right in a particularly dirty spot near the trash. He stared blankly, breathing heavily. Duffy rushed past, checking the emergency checking thing.

  "A pair of Twick battle cruisers, firing at us." she said.

  "Those Twick spoiled my dinner." Greg said looking annoyed. "I was always warned about this, but until now it never actually happened. Someone get that damn Greg-launcher-"

  "GREGLAUNCHER!" Menace interrupted.

  "-ready to fire." Greg growled. "They murdered my steak and I'm gonna get my sugar fix on like it's frigging Halloween at the rich neighborhood."

  The Tast-E-chill made a wild turning arc, the trailer almost flipping them over, which would have been harmless in space, but still. They lined up for the shot and Greg lowered his sunglasses, tucking in his pair of reverse-blade daggers and laying back in the launch tube.

  "Let's make some crumbs." He snarled. The light went red and the lights also started going out, leaving no lights on, and silence filled the chamber. "Is it supposed to do a lot of nothing? You guys aiming or something?" he asked.

  "It's just not launching." Duffy said kicking the panel.

  "It should work. It's like 3 valves and a solenoid, the rest is just fancy lights and sound. It's locked the hatch, why isn't it firing?" Marley asked.

  "We can't fire it now, they've already started moving past us." Objected Duffy.

  "Crap, well, can we try and land on that planet for cover?" he asked. Menace yanked the controls and everyone rolled to the left, the ship narrowly evading a missile and headed to the planet.

  "Still in here." hollered Greg. "Can I just break out, or will that depressurize the ship and dead everyone?" he asked.

  "Launch tube pressurized." said the computer.

  "Awe, piss." Greg said as the plastic cover he was looking out was currently facing a very large planet, not a ship. The tube made a very discreet "poot" sound as Greg became an angry blue streak, angling rapidly down to the planet below.

  "Okay so nobody freak out or anything." Duffy said as the others looked freaked out. "You saw that thing just zip past us, right?" they nodded. "Pretty sure that was Greg."

  "We have to go down there and get him." said Izzy.

  "Good news then," Duffy said. "We are actually headed down right now…not by choice, mind you."

  "This is how I die!" Hollered Lawg, grabbing the seatbelt and using it like a saddle harness as he took a Captain's pose.

  "Lawg, you always say that, every time we crash." Duffy sighed "This time we have a ship capable of landing and an experienced pilot-"

  "Blanket!" Yipped Menace as she left the steering console, and dove into the emergency crate, closing the lid.

  "Is it worse or better to crash with a 9 thousand ton trailer on your ass?" Marley asked.

  "Probably about the same deadness." Lawg shrugged.

  "Is Greg dead?" asked Marley. Izzy shook her head.

  "Not a chance, but he's gonna be pissed that he missed this dramatic landing, or crashing, depending on how this goes."

  "Why don't you land it, Izzy?" Lawg asked. "Aren't you learning to pilot?"

  "Seriously? It's a metaphor. Piloting is just a fancy way of saying remote controlling more than one surrogate. It has nothing to do with flight or the physics involved with landing a ship. I don't even play space video games." she said looking at Marley.

  "Yea cuz that's the same thing, obviously." He snipped as Duffy took the wheel and struggled to straighten it out.

  "I keep telling everyone that this isn't like piloting a shuttle in manual, this trailer is fighting me like crazy." Duffy yelled. "Wait…we lost the left engine to the Tast-E-Chill, right?"

  "No… Left." Marley corrected.

  "I mean the trailer is fighting because the trailer is trying to land us, we shouldn’t be doing anything, that's why Menace bailed." Duffy said letting go and turning off the right engine. The ship leveled out and began crashing more like an aggressive landing.

  "That's way less dead-making." Lawg clapped.

  "Still, no guarantees the trailer hitch will hold." Duffy shrugged nervously. Greg is gonna be mad he missed the drama. This is a terrible time to suddenly be taken out of the action."

  "WhEEEeeeeee." Menace whee'd from the crate.

  Join us next season, on Dipshits in space.

  …Just kidding

  "Boy, that was an unexpectedly soft landing. This trailer makes it a pain to steer but when you need to land it sure beats a crappy ice-cream truck that isn't designed to ever land in atmo." Duffy sighed with relief.

  "I'm guessing Greg's landing was way less graceful. Izzy muttered.

  "Ow." said a breathless wheeze from within a smoldering crater, somewhere else on the planet where Greg entered atmosphere.

  "He's fine." Izzy shrugged.

  "…Candy!" Insisted Menace, producing a handful of something from the bottom of the crate. Possibly candy, possibly just scented crate fresheners, the world may never know. She popped one and chewed, unfazed, proving nothing.

  "We need to find shelter." said Lawg. We don’t know what this planet's climate is like. Is it a desert planet?"

  "No, I think we did that already. We did grasslands too. We haven't done water world yet but that would have been mentioned in the crash since we would be splashing rather than landing." Duffy explained.

  "Well we better figure out what kind of planet this is very soon before we waste any more time." Marley noted.

  "Surprisingly Earth-like rainforest planet?" suggested Lawg.

  "Yea that's new, we haven't done that yet…and look there just beyond where we landed in this small clearing…a surprisingly Earth-like rainforest!" Marley noted.

  "The hell just happened?" Izzy muttered to herself at the logic, as Lawg smiled.

  "Okay guys, survival 101 in space-planet crashing survival 101. We need to gather some drinking bottles full of water but no food, and then take like 1 or 2 tiny weapons and start hiking away from the ship to high ground looking for shelter." he said.

  "Why?" Duffy asked as they followed Lawg through the grass and shockingly Earthlike vegetation, so similar in fact it could just be South America.

  "It's just what you do, to LIVE!" he reminded.

  "You know what would make a pretty good shelter?" suggested Izzy. Some form of airtight, watertight, spaceship." she reminded

  They strolled back into the ship and closed the door.

  "It's like nobody realizes an air-tight armored spaceship would make a really great shelter, even if it had no power and was grounded." Marley yawned, flopping on the couch as Menace flopped beside him and dragged him over, to be pet against his usual wishes.

  "Yea leaving the ship seems like the one thing you wouldn’t do, even if it was just a shuttle pod." Duffy yawned.

  "But…high ground." Lawg protested. "High ground defeats everything!"

  "We have radar and radios and lights, what could you possibly accomplish with a slightly higher vantage point, except a reason to make everyone leave and enter perilous danger?" Duffy noted.

  "Well…it's boring to just sit in the ship. Nobody likes watching other crewmen just wait for a rescue. It's way more badass to hike to high ground, plus you can see your surroundings and know where you are." Lawg pointed out.

  "You didn’t see the spectacular vantage point we had when we spent like 12 minutes entering atmosphere? Did you see anything of particular value other than trees and more trees, when we were thousands of feet high and angled downward?" Duffy noted.

  "Huh." Lawg pondered. "Why does the manual tell everyone to leave the ship for high-ground?" he asked.

  "Because you wrote it, and you based everything you knew from TV shows. TV shows know it's boring to sit in the ship waiting and having to deal with dialogue. If they wanted just dialogue they could have stranded them in a shuttle pod the whole episode. Instead they rely on painfully trekking into darkness or beyond, with just your handy pistol and a day's worth of water. Otherwise they would need some other form of drama to keep peop-" Duffy said, interrupted by the dramatic sound of a door being forced open.

  "Captain Lawg." said Rage

  "Captain Rage, replied Lawg.

  "Hey, Izzy. You're sorta invincible." Marley whispered. "Cant you just run up and kill him and take his big gun?"

  "Marley, that's barbaric. I never killed anyone, since my memory wipe and cloning and then that cloned was cloned. So from my perspective I've never killed anyone. You can't just ask me to go violently kill people, maybe there is a way out with words."

  "Nope, this guy's shot us down before. He's a real dick, just kill him."

  "That's shocking coming from you." she noted.

  "Yea, tells you how bad the guy is when the ACTUAL vegan pacifist is perfectly fine with it. Kill away" Marley muttered.

  "Wow, vegans really do have to bring that up every time they can. It's almost pushy at this point."

  "Just go murder some lizards, please, so we don’t die, please?" he asked.

  "Excuse me…Rage of the-" she rolled her eyes "Bloodstorm. As acting captain of the ship I speak for these dumbasses now." Izzy announced.

  "Surrender the supplies or die." Rage growled.

  "Okay, let's just discuss this for a second, we need the money pretty bad, so can we give you half and then still go buy enough food to live off of?" she suggested.

  "It seems reasonable, but these guys have really pissed us off so we're actually taking the ship as well, and leaving you here to die with nothing but a few bottles of water and some tiny pistols, no shelter and only a guess which direction is the high ground." he shrugged.

  "See?" whined Lawg. We could have been halfway there by now." he said sitting down.

  "Okay I do understand these guys pissing you off, believe me I very much understand that." Izzy started.

  "Did they total your ship, twice? The ship your grandmother gave you when you were a young adventurer and you had to save up and get it fixed and cleaned over the course of years, sacrificing your time and energy, just to have your dream ship turned to shit by a bunch of idiots who are luckier than they are useful, then having them get away at least twice, unharmed?" Rage asked.

  "N-No, not quite that bad, but they do constantly use all the shampoo and leave the empty bottle on the shelf like it still has shampoo, and then it doesn’t, so you have to dry off and get dressed just to go yell at-" she said as she was interrupted by weaponfire. She looked down and there was a slightly wet spot just above her navel with a hint of blue to it.

  "No negotiations." he finished.

  "OMG, you just shot me mid-sentence!" she said looking offended. "That's so rude, and it really hurts." she groaned, poking it and looking sad.

  "Told you…real dick-holes." Marley muttered. "These stupid Twick are heatless and dry on the inside, nothing but chalky, bitter and stale, merely hiding under a sweeter exterior coating that is less thick than your clothes. It's a deceptive way of living, but in the end you just have to stoop to their level, break some Twick and put them in plastic bags…you know like body bags, obviously." explained Marley.

  "I'm trying to be cooperative and negotiate, you scaly bitch." she said as her eyes glowed. "You're lucky that was a shallow hit." she snipped. The other guard standing behind her pulled a form of high-tech energized sword, and with one swing, he hacked off her arm at the shoulder, dropping her to her knees with a scream of pain and anger.

  "Oh, yep, yea that did it, here we go." Marley nodded, stepping back. Izzy lifted her head, canines extended and eyes white. Rage looked like he regretted many things in his life.

  "So, about that deal you were proposing..." Rage said nervously.

  Greg finished climbing the big tree, carefully trying to not fall again, as he peered into the distance.

  "What the hell? I can't see anything from up here. It's just more trees and the same damn foliage. This was completely pointless. Why does everyone think this is such a good idea?" he grumbled to himself. "If I had even the most basic hand scanner I could make a better map than just looking from a high tree. I'd kill for a shuttle pod right about now, even a crashed one to sit in while I wait, I swear if it starts raining…" he said starting to climb down.

  Marley opened the hatch to get some fresh cool air as the rain gently came down on the ship. Mostly he was just trying to get away from the mess and the smell.

  "You'd assume as much sugar as they consume that melted Twick would smell okay, but they don’t, especially when you burn them." he yawned.

  Duffy extended an arm slowly to tap Izzy on the shoulder, pausing to reconsider a plan B.

  "You doing okay there?" she asked with a terrified look.

  "Oh, god this is so much better than cloned meat." Izzy said with a primal snarl, wiping her mouth with her good, and only arm. "I never though I'd be so happy to be eating a Twick." she added, leaning back in for more. "I know it's reptilian but let's be honest, there's not much difference between this and a human with a rubber mask and some green makeup. Every alien in this cheap-ass universe is essentially just humanoid with paint." she sobbed.

  "Yea but you've had like 3 already, and I know it's normal to do that in even numbers, so I'd save the rest for later, maybe when nobody else is around to watch it, cuz once you open another, you known you're gonna eat 2, and that's how you get a stomach ache." Duffy said like a horrified mother.

  Izzy let out a sigh of relief, licking her fingers.

  "That's a hunger you can't satisfy with just anything." she sobbed to herself.

  "Well I guess you were right, this is the real Izzy after all, turns out you become someone else when you're hungry." Duffy said, stepping back. Greg stepped up into the ship looking tired.

  "Wow, so there goes your diet." He smirked.

  "Don’t look at me, I'm hideous." she sobbed.

  "Oh come on, you know I like thicker gals, you probably had low bloodsugar from all that veggie grazing anyway. Did you save me one or did you just eat all the Twick?" he asked.

  "I kinda saved you one." she said, trying to wipe her face and then remembering she didn’t have that particular arm, so she lowered the stub and wiped with the other one.

  "Awe, seriously. I can't eat that." he said kicking the carcass "You just scraped the good stuff off the top and left the shitty part. You may as well have just eaten the whole thing, nobody wants that now."

  "Talkin about dead people…just a reminder." Marley hollered.

  "I thought maybe I could sorta cheat by just eating the chewy part and leaving the carbs. Now I feel like I just wasted a lot of food, and also I'm a monster for destroying a whole pack of Twick." Izzy sniffled.

  "We've all been there with some treat or another. You've been in this universe for a long time without your synthesized replacement, you're just acting on primal impulses, it's not your fault." he said giving her a hug as the others stood frozen in horror at the absolute massacre around them, with the dismembered aliens and whatnot. There was a whole foot just stuck to the wall. Really troubling gore.

  "I didn’t even share or put one in the fridge." she sobbed.

  "I'm sure there are more around here, with the good parts still there to enjoy. Are they good?" he asked.

  "Not really. When you need a craving fix they do the trick, but after the craving is done they really are kind of dry and tough, kinda generic and overrated." she nodded.

  "I bet with a little peanut-butter they'd be fine." he muttered.

  "So I'm grossed out." Duffy said randomly.

  "Anyway, now that that's basically over, you wanna raid the other ship for anything good?" Greg smiled.

  They strolled back from the quick-raid to the Tast-E-Chill.

  "Izzy, don’t beat yourself up over it." Greg chuckled, still patting her back and being supportive.

  "I just thought I was doing so well." she sniffled.

  "Being Osirian Vegan is tough, I keep saying it's not natural, and it can't be healthy. It never hurts to diversify and eat better, maybe show restraint and moderation, obviously I don’t, but I'm huge. I keep telling everyone that it's not what nature intended and if you have to synthesize artificial supplements to fight your body's natural cravings, then how can it be healthy? Just cut back on junk, or run it off. I don’t know why everyone is trying to make cloned meat more real when you can just have meat. It's gotta be healthier than the 3-d printed and processed crap. Biped is organic and full of vitamins you can't get in cloned meat or plants. It just seems like a radical move to go from the diet our ancestors survived on to this fancy printed fake crap. It never tastes right either." he said with a look of sadness

  "I think it's the murder aspect people are turned off by, mostly" Izzy sniffled.

  "Oh good grief, aliens species eat other alien species all the time, that's how they do it, just because we have bigger brains and better technology than primitive species like humans, doesn’t mean we cant have the occasional biped snack. Back in my day, they weren't even the fatty domesticated kind of humans, you had to grab a sword and find a good battlefield and hunt one down, and they tasted better when you worked for it. Now the elders all act like they never ate human, ooh it's so horrible and morally wrong, because you gotta kill a living thing. They die all the time of natural causes, and what about criminals? Some of the lifers are gonna die anyway in confined little pens, miserable and suffering anyway." he justified.

  "It's not sustainable. Thousands of Osirians could eat 2 or 3 humans a day each and quickly decimate a population, and where do you find the resources?" she objected.

  "Well obviously you cut back, and you ration it, determine what IS sustainable and then portion that out, like for a special occasion. Have one serving, and then fill up on something else, like cow. Pork can even be made to taste jut like humanoid, it's insane. Mix them together and you won't know the difference. It's not like I've eaten people on a regular basis, sure when I was younger and didn’t understand how much time and feed went into it, but you get older and you just learn to treat it more like a reward, and eat other stuff too to fill you up and curb the cravings."

  "I guess. Maybe I'm just young and stupid. I didn’t really think about it as much as just following a trend I guess. Sis acted like it was the only way to do things. It's just horrible they way they suffer." she said looking back at the blood Duffy was mopping.

  "Well you try and make it quick, but feeding is messy. Obviously I don’t enjoy watching sentient bipeds suffer needlessly, I'm not a monster…unless they shoot me with an arrow in the eyes or nuts, then I get kinda vindictive. Primal self preservation."

  "You don’t think I'm disgusting?" she asked.

  "I do!" hollered Marley.

  "Of course not, if anything you're more beautiful in your natural element the way the factories back home intended it." he smiled.

  "Even with this?" she said holding up an arm with no skin and only sparsely regenerated muscles, fairly wet and glossy from the lack of covering and exposed tendons on oddly purple and metallic bone.

  "That's a little less attractive than usual but those heal right up. You have no idea how many times I've been impaled or had an arm sliced off with an antimatter beam." he shrugged, looking back to see the rest of the crew still looking horrified. Marley breathed first.

  "Everything that just happened here was bad." Marley said nervously. Even Menace looked half fascinated and half disgusted as she poked a carcass with a stick.

  "You gonna tell your sister/mom you eat biped now?" Greg asked with a childish grin, anticipating the shock.

  Izzy paced the room as the laptop communication feed cleared up, making her a slightly less dizzy Izzy. On the screen was Older Izzy. Older Izzy was in quite a tizzy.

  "You're sleeping with Greg? You Eat people, and you're still sleeping with Greg! How can you be sleeping with Greg? The same Greg that basically ruins everything he goes near? Big-giant immature man-child monster with the stupid jokes and the pranks and the bullshit? THAT Greg?" she asked, sitting down on a finely printed marble chair.

  "You homeschooled me, wouldn’t let me stay over at any human's house, couldn’t date until I was 17, and wouldn’t even let me pilot an extra body because you couldn’t keep track of 2 of me. I've been raised in captivity, sis, I guess this is what a wild Izzy does without the shock collar…exactly what you did. Maybe we're just born to make bad decisions." she snipped. “Also everyone on Delmar has seen your tits now.” She added, sticking out her tongue.

  "Hell yea." Greg said doing a fight-the-power fist in the air.

  "Young lady, you have been given every chance to be smarter and more successful than I did, and just because you got accidentally sucked into another universe doesn’t mean you get to just disregarding the rules." Older Izzy said.

  "I'm 22, I have my own apartment, I get my own groceries and clean my own house, I'd pay my own rent but we're rich and I'd be paying my own taxes if we had a tax system in our culture. I haven't been you're responsibility for 4 years, and you can't just decide I'm conveniently a child again because I grew up to be the same sexually adventurous young lady that you did, and a carnivore, like you were." she rebelled.

  "Whorepower!" Greg proclaimed. Young Izzy looked back with annoyance.

  "You're not paying me for sex, I'm not a whore." she muttered to him.

  "Slutpower!" he corrected. Izzy didn’t have an argument but she kinda thought the way the first one sounded slightly less bad, regretting the correction.

  "Izleena, sweetheart, I'm not ordering you around, I'm just asking you to trust me here. I've lived numerous longer lives. I know you're an adult, but technically your clone was an adult, and this print of you is only 3 weeks old."

  "By that technicality, so is most of Greg." she scoffed.

  "Children are the future." Greg chanted with a mouthful of pork rinds.

  "Okay I admit that argument was weak, I'm reaching for anything here." Admitted older Izzy "Just please consider my experience and all the other me's experiences, including the other you that is still a nice girl who goes to college."

  "Sis, that other me dropped out a year ago. You can't make us what you aren't, but maybe I can make me what I want, instead of just another you, spiffed up in the way you want." she said as the feed got glitchy and cut out. "Damnit, this crappy technology." she said clicking the table.

  Greg shook his head.

  "Parents…what a drag. She's not gonna let us take the minivan to the prom, is she?" Greg asked.

  "Are you really such a bad influence?"

  "Oh yea." he admitted, swigging the last of a bottle of vodka down.

  "Sis insists you are the literal devil. You aren't the actual devil, right?"

  "Of course not" he chuckled, lighting a cigar with his tongue. "That's just paranoid Izzy-conspiracy and grossly exaggerated details. I'm just a regular, everyday, fire-breathing Immortal demigod of dragon-like lineage, who happens to be a terrible role model and fairly bad person, with a dark and bloody past that made me the monster I am today." he winked, tuning his fiddle. "Before being exiled out of the empire."

  "I feel like that's exactly what the devil would say. Where you going?" she asked.

  "Probably just go chill in my man-cave under the new chandelier of skulls, listen to heavy metal music and drink fortified wine out of a gold chalice, as I soak in a hot tub full of molten copper." he shrugged. "Maybe watch some who's line, if this universe has that. Does the Tast-E-Turd have interdimensional cable?"

  "Ugh…I hate how cool that actually sounds." she muttered to herself. "Don’t overfill the copper, I'll be there in a minute." she shrugged, powerless to deny her very nature, and the nature of the other Izzy's, who were also powerless to defy their basic natures.

  "Frick-on-a-stick, this electric bill is just insane." sighed Duffy, going through the monthly utilities.

  "I thought their trailer was Greg-powered?" noted Marley. "Didn’t he construct some form of Osirian reactor that uses the heat from their vigorous shagging?"

  "Yes, the Shagatron 5000, powered by lethal sex radiation." Lawg sighed.

  "I guess the static overflow regulator is going bad, must be pulling some of our power through induction. I'll have to move them further apart." Duffy said, shaking her head.

  "That sounds too fancy to argue with. Definitely do that thing with the Inductors and the fragulator." agreed Lawg.

  "I also need more money for things." Marley said, completely winging it.

  "Why?" Lawg sighed.

  "I got Fragulators too, they might need inducting. Need special tools for that." he said handing him a tablet.

  "A game-buddy 360? This is just a video game console." Lawg shrugged.

  "Yea, but it fragulates. Why pay 220 credits for a single fragulator pad alone, when you can get a game system for 200 that fragulates AND plays Mêlée Dome 4?"

  "I feel like you're just making this shit up for a game console." Lawg squinted.

  "I personally promise if you buy that, my fragulators will NEVER need replacing. If a fraguilator ever goes bad on my side of the ship, I'll pay for it myself and buy you a new chair." he nodded.

  "That seems pretty fair, but I want that in writing." he added.

  "Yes sir." Smiled Marley.

  "This ship is getting expensive to run." he sighed looking at Duffy. "Is a fragulator a real thing we need?" he asked. She blinked a few times.

  "Yes…it keeps the combobulators stable and prevents them from discomboulating." bluffed Duff.

  "What does that comb-over-ulator thing do?"

  "De-frags the fragulators."

  "God, it's all so complicated. I remember when ships were simpler, before all the government required components. The damn mechanics anymore can charge you anything they want for a new Johnson rod, and these new ships have like 6 of them."

  "Boy, it’s a good thing you found me, most captains with a crew under ten would kill to have a good mechanic living onboard, even a girl. It's your good fortune that you have a crew that wouldn’t take advantage of your ignorance. Anyway, sign here for this tool I need." she said swiping left.

  "Doesn’t look like a maintenance tool."

  "You'll be glad you got it if the snifters valve's start snifting again."

  "We can't afford this kind of stuff all the time."

  "Actually we can. With Greg and Izzy, we have boosted the ship's income by 3 times. Having 2 crewmen that can drop right into hazardous quarantine zones for cargo is a real lucrative jump. Those supervirus infected crates of Tamarian Cheese nearly paid our entire budget for a month."

  "It's amazing how conveniently versatile radiation is, especially when its some vaguely referenced and totally unknown form of it that nobody can argue with, because they never heard of it before. Science is great." Lawg signed.

  "Science fiction is even better." Duffy corrected.

  "I dunno…" Lawg shrugged as the ship's lights went red and the big booty song began playing in a tremendously slow and lower pitch.

  "What happened? Did the Chernobyl twins overload the power grid with their nuclear screwin marathons again?" asked Marley, rushing in to help.

  "No…we just took weapons fire." Duffy informed

  Greg sat up abruptly and looked alarmed. Izzy turned with the same sharp alertness. Greg sniffed the air.

  "Why does it suddenly smell like the color blue, and burnt toast?" he asked.

  The viewscreen showed the little phone icon and Lawg let it ring as he took his posts.

  "Do we have time to load the Greg-" he said pausing as Menace opened her mouth to yell GregLauncher. "The thing that shoots a Greg." he finished. Menace slowly closed her mouth, pouting.

  "No time." Duffy said. "They won't wait any longer to be replied to."

  "Screw it." Greg yawned, entering the bridge. "On screen" he said pushing Lawg aside and sitting in the Captains chair as Lawg tripped over the trash can.

  "I AM RAAAGE!! said the Twick.

  "Um…don’t I have your skull in the music room, as an ashtray?" Greg asked with a look of confusion.

  "You speak of RAAGE, captain of the Bloodstorm. I am his brother RAAAGE, Captain of the Bonegrinder. And I seek vengeance for my brother. And his crew, and in honor of his death I hereby rechristen my ship the Bloodstorm 2"

  "I sense a pattern here." Marley whispered.

  "Let me make sure I get this." Greg said rubbing his face. "You all look alike, and you take the name of the captain you are here to get vengeance for, and rename the ship…so that means no matter how many get killed, there is always going to be a virtually identical Twick named RAAAGE of the bloodstorm, like some kind of recyclable generic villain that never get's truly vanquished, that about right?" Greg asked.

  "That sounds accurate." Raaage nodded.

  "Okay, well guess we have a lifetime supply of Twick." he chuckled, looking back at a few blank faces. "Right… different universe, joke falling on deaf ears. It's funny where I come from, damnit!" Greg snipped.

  "Mr. Rage…" Izzy said politely.

  "RAAAGE!!" he corrected.

  "Okay fine! Mr. RAAAGE." she yelled. "I would like to apologize for eating your brother and his crew, with full sincerity."

  "What?" RAAAGE asked

  "Ignore her." Greg smiled nervously "It's a metaphor we use, Everyone eats everyone, inside joke. Nobody is literally dead, and if anyone is, the blame falls directly on Lawg, and not the crew. If you'd like to discuss this or just take me prisoner you can send a shuttle pod and pick me up, no questions asked." Greg winked to Izzy.

  "CANDY!!!" yelled Menace.

  "What kind of candy?" RAAAGE asked.

  "Bout 15 barrels of salted caramel" Greg muttered.

  "That's a lot of caramel," he said salivating "I have many hungry men on this ship. That much caramel could cover dozens of Twick." he nodded as Greg sighed to himself.

  "It's like I'm the only one who hears it." Greg muttered. "How about we give you half the cargo."

  "All of it, or I destroy your ship." Raaage countered.

  "That's a really good offer." Whispered Lawg.

  "No way we could discuss this in person, on your ship?" Greg asked.

  "RAGE may have been that stupid, but RAAAGE is no fool."

  "Can't blame a guy for trying. Okay, all 15 barrels are yours. Give me 5 minutes to clear a path and you can scan them before taking it onboard."

  "I thought we had 30 barrels." said Lawg. RAAAGE smiled at him as Duffy threw her hands up and Greg face-palmed harshly.

  "Oh for shit's-sake, you margarita-pickled 2x4, I was trying to make some profit here. Why are you still the captain? Who gave you leadership rights? You can't be trusted with a pointy stick." Greg barked angrily.

  "My bad." Lawg said hanging his head.

  The Twick cruiser sped off with all 30 barrels and a compensation crate of jerky. Greg drummed on his arm with his fingers, and contemplated the last time he ate someone, while staring at Lawg as he approached to give advice.

  "You know, it's just good that we all made it out in once piece. Except Izzy's nasty arm. Apparently that heals. That's what's important." He said approaching Greg.

  "Lawg, I don’t give a damn if this is your ship. I'm going to clone you, just so I can shove yourself up your own ass."

  "I'd run." Marley whispered as Lawg scooby'd in place and then zipped off rapidly. Menace tapped Greg on the arm and smiled, handing him the jar of troll butter.

  "Thanks, little pal." he smiled, still gnashing his canines. "But I won't be needing anything lubricating. Go play." he finished, patting her on the head as she ran off. The camera panned from the ship, despite no air meaning there isn't any sound, the sound of Greg chasing Lawg through the Tast-E-Chill preceded some light banjo music in an ironically calming manner. Greg attempted to catch Lawg and convert him into a turducken. The series of redneck ships and trailers puttered along its merry way, as the music reached a final chord and credits rolled… most of them being MY name, of course. I wrote this shit, drew all the damn cover art too. Nobody cares. Shut up and eat your damn checkers.