Intern’s Log: Why Does Bandit’s “Queen” Have a British Accent and Three Tails?

  Date: [Honestly, Does It Even Matter Anymore?]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have made a mistake. A very sophisticated, multi-tailed mistake.)

  Okay.

  She exists.

  The first uplifted female raccoon is alive, awake, and already judging me.

  ? She’s intelligent.

  ? She’s well-spoken.

  ? She’s calculating.

  ? And for some godforsaken reason, she has a proper British accent.

  And the tails.

  The goddamn tails.

  She has three of them.

  And I do not know why.

  I did not do that.

  I swear to every scientific principle I hold dear, I did not intentionally give her three tails.

  But now?

  Now I have to explain this to Bandit.

  And I am not ready for that conversation.

  Phase One: The First Words of the Most Confusing Creature I Have Ever Created

  So, I was expecting her to wake up confused.

  Maybe a little disoriented.

  You know, the usual “Oh wow, I’m a genetically enhanced raccoon, how did I get here?” reaction.

  Instead?

  She opened her eyes, blinked at me, and said:

  "Well. This is certainly a new experience."

  IN A PERFECT, POSH, UPPER-CLASS BRITISH ACCENT.

  I dropped my clipboard.

  Phase Two: The Tails (What the Hell is This?)

  After recovering from the whole “sentient raccoon woman sounds like she should be hosting a BBC nature documentary” situation, I noticed the other major anomaly.

  Three. Tails.

  Not one.

  Not two.

  Three.

  Why?!

  I checked the genetic sequencing.

  There is no reason for this.

  This is not a mutation.

  This is not an error.

  This is something deliberate.

  Which means…

  Something influenced this outcome.

  And that something sure as hell wasn’t me.

  Phase Three: The Conversation I Did Not Want to Have

  So, after an hour of staring at her like she was an unsolvable equation, Bandit finally walked in.

  Saw her.

  Paused.

  Then grinned so wide I thought his face might split in half.

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  "Brilliant." he whispered.

  Then he turned to me.

  "Reynolds, my dear, my genius, my mad scientist—"

  "No." I said immediately.

  "I LOVE HER."

  "NO."

  "LOOK AT HER! She’s perfect!"

  "BANDIT, SHE HAS THREE TAILS."

  He tilted his head.

  "So?"

  "THAT IS NOT NORMAL."

  "Neither am I."

  I wanted to scream.

  Phase Four: The British Accent Problem

  "Alright," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

  "Let’s set aside the tail issue. WHY DOES SHE SOUND BRITISH?"

  Bandit shrugged.

  "Class."

  "WHAT?!"

  "Reynolds, my fine, unsuspecting genius, if I am to build a dynasty, my queen must have elegance."

  I stared at him.

  "You planned this."

  "I hoped for it. And you delivered."

  He turned to her, bowing slightly.

  "My lady. Your name shall be—"

  She raised a hand, silencing him immediately.

  "I shall choose my own name, thank you."

  BANDIT LIT UP LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE.

  "YES. YES! A QUEEN WITH INDEPENDENCE!"

  I am going to die.

  Phase Five: What the Tails Might Actually Mean (I Don’t Like the Answer)

  Okay.

  Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I have a theory.

  There are certain legends—certain mythological creatures—that have extra tails.

  Not in raccoons.

  But in foxes.

  And in some cultures, the more tails they have, the wiser and more powerful they become.

  So, what if?

  What if this isn’t a mistake?

  What if her biology was influenced by something bigger?

  What if she isn’t just an uplifted raccoon?

  What if she is something more?

  I do not like that thought.

  Not one bit.

  Phase Six: What Happens Now?

  ? Bandit has his queen.

  ? She is intelligent, articulate, and possibly more dangerous than him.

  ? She has three tails, and no one knows why.

  ? Her existence is a mystery I may never solve.

  ? Bandit is thrilled.

  And the worst part?

  I think she likes him too.

  Which means…

  Bandit’s dynasty isn’t just a joke anymore.

  It’s happening.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Going to Need So Much Therapy)

  ? The first uplifted female raccoon exists.

  ? She has three tails, and we do not know why.

  ? She has a British accent, and Bandit loves it.

  ? She might be the most intelligent thing I have ever created.

  ? Bandit is now the happiest raccoon in existence.

  I don’t know what I have just unleashed.

  But I do know this—

  This is only the beginning.

  End Log.